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Russky 3 years, 3 months ago.
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robot,
One of the things that has helped other people when having to start a completely new life is to start by taking some small part of the day and putting something new in it that is 100% from you. For example, take a 15 minute walk in the park, or a run on a treadmill, or an ice cream cone for that matter. Do it at the same time, everyday, regardless of whatever else is going on. Pick a snack to eat, a show to watch, a video game to play… whatever. It doesn’t matter so much what it is, just that it is 100% for you, and something you can easily commit to doing everyday. Other, bigger changes will inevitably come later. But for now, whatever you choose is all yours. However small it is, no one can take it from you, or stop you from doing/having it.
Some day, not too far off, there will be other things that weren’t there before. Right now, this is the anchor. It is the first brick placed in the construction of the new life. It is the first small piece of the new routine. Start small. The size of the change doesn’t matter so much. What matters is that it is 100% from you and for you, and that it is 100% consistent. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
Even something as small as a new kind of soap in the shower is a continually repetitious reminder that your life is yours now. It will feel disproportionately novel, strange and a little scary at first. It might even feel a little selfish. Lean toward that. It’s the sign that things are changing. Press into that as hard or as little as you like. But let no day go by without that ice cream cone, or that new soap, or whatever else it is you choose that makes you feel that way…just a little. Every single day should have small dose of “all new and only for me” in it.
Starting small doesn’t matter. What you choose to start with doesn’t matter. How intensely you choose to lean into that feeling of new and novel and possibly selfish also doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you start now, and that you never miss a day.
I had heard this advice before I ever got married. I decided to follow it during the divorce. For me, it was a type of soap she didn’t like the smell of. I liked that soap, but while I was married, it wasn’t worth hearing her bitch about it. Lots of guys get a divorce and immediately buy a motorcycle, or get a tattoo. Trivial as it sounds, my first ‘free decision’ after the split was a bar of soap. But every morning for me, first thing out of bed is a hot shower. And when I’ve been awake less than 60 seconds, I would smell the new soap and get a small, but very consistent reminder that my decisions were my own now. Some days, that was the only new thing I was ready for (the only new brick I could bring myself to place). But over time, other bricks: clothes, food, music. Eventually, a completely new life without her in it.
The lesson I learned from that is that a person willing to make a small change… is able to create a completely new life.
A good brick layer is never really homeless…
Keep us posted, and start laying bricks.
Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you
Anonymous11Robot, we’ll keep posting for you, and it does get a little better every day. Eventually, you’ll reach indifference. The number of years you spent with this woman and having children with her mean you are going to be dealing with her at some level for many years to come. The road will be difficult, but there are great rewards for you at the end of your journey.
I only spent three months with a borderline and flew the coop when she pushed a boundary I would not accept. It was the worst breakup I’ve ever been through yet I came out a better man for the experience. Mine got me by playing the White Knight card and laying down some insane sex while doing her ex pretty much exactly like yours is doing to you except the fake charge was rape. She forced me to kill my White Knight so she did me a big favor long term, actually.
These PD people operate and exercise control by keeping us constantly on the defensive. EVERYTHING is your fault according to them. Realize they are delusional and literally believe their ever changing lies of the moment. It’s also very common for them to keep coming back after you sometimes for years even when they are in another relationship. They cannot stand to be alone so if yours does not have another victim she is going to be more difficult to shake. This is where they can get really nasty. Adding a personality disorder into a woman makes for madness cubed. I’m hoping she finds a White Knight to occupy her while you disengage. If that happens, keep a very sharp eye out for him as he has been hijacked and take satisfaction in knowing he’s soon to be schooled himself.
I’m also assuming based on the age of your children that she is post Wall and therefore less able to bag a man quickly. Most PD women will have another relationship already lined up before dumping someone even more so inclined than normal women. If she does not have another man, she is going to be very unstable. She has to be in total control or tricked into thinking she is by you. Mine kept coming back for about 18 months trying to get me to cheat with her on my replacement. I was a professional spin machine as far as she was concerned.
Anonymous42They should make men take suicide protection courses before men are allowed to marry.
@H.R., that’s placing the cart ahead of the horse, cut loose from the cart and run free! F~~~ being a work horse for your own destructive ends!
The days of MGTOW caring when women say “IM NOT HAAAAAAAAAAPY” are f~~~ing OVER.
Ahhh, that felt good! I think I’ll read it over and over until I can’t forget it! Thanks K.M., you’re always good for a morning reality “slap in the face”, or that warm fuzzy feeling of literary justice you provide in your words of mutual and absolute indifference…
@Robot, stay real busy, don’t lay around for a second and allow depression to set in, Go for walks/runs in the woods, admire the world around you and realize that YOU have been violated according to the absolute and unbreakable laws of nature, your manhood has been compromised and molested by the awesome power of the state harnessed by your narcissistic wife and used to hobble your spirit into submission for her to gain control only to abuse. I know this personally because I did time over a woman calling officer New God, of the gynocentric feminazi man eating hive.
Most of us MGTOW will never let a woman get their remote control cable attached to us by the gynocentric conduit of law and subsequent contract of business or marriage, we cut the cable for our own benefit and survival, we don’t care about the backlash when that cable wraps around the throat of society and tears of it’s beastly head (feminism).
I had a mental breakdown from this toxic society and its female manipulation that leaves men opting to step out forever, instead of removing myself, I removed the cause of my unhappiness (modern f~~~ed up women). My life was saved! I was spared from ever feeling like that again! I value my life much more now, I’m never going back to the spiritual destruction all to many women trade for their narcissistic companionship (value 0.00, risk 100%)
I can only tell you one thing for certain, life gets f~~~ing great when you rid yourself of all female manipulation and contractual devastation. Your head is in a whine press for now, don’t forget who’s controlling the screw! Stay tight! Stay steadfast! We’re here to kick in the lattes, smash out the bottom, free you from the press, and leave her holding the screw wheel as a souvenir to remind her “men are not to be molded, manipulated, screwed, and pressed by a women!” F~~~ that C~~~, I’d have her ass strapped on the first rocket to Mars!
Said, “There is no way I will allow my kid to take the witness stand. None. Period.”
The child can have a private meeting with the judge, in the judge’s chambers, out of sight and out of earshot of Everyone.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Have you seen the movie “The Matrix”? It will help you understand what guys mean when they refer to being a Blue-Pill and Red-Pill man. When someone “swallows the red pill” it means they want to stop believing and living the unreality in their life. It leads to true freedom but can be difficult to choke down. Some guys can’t take it and decide to go back to their blue-pill days. Very sad.
Once your eyes start being opened, you may get real angry at times. At others and especially yourself for all the crap you bought into and put up with. The regret that comes with it can contribute to depression and the desire for revenge can eat you up if you let it. I had to learn the habit of acknowledging the thoughts/feelings but then deciding to not let my past hold me hostage.
As you build your new life it will get easier. For me the thought of better relationships with my kids helps me get back up again. I think MGTOW should have a “Battle Victories” forum for threads like this. Then when wounded and war-weary men come here we can more easily point them to the resources they need and give them hope.
It is for very good reasons the Devil chose to tempt Eve not Adam...
She’s kind of getting the message since I didn’t respond to her. She seems to have dropped her demand for me to go shopping, which I ignored, so only asks for shopping money, food etc. Of course I send a budget, but only enough for a day at the moment. She apparently says if I want a divorce then she will raise the youngest in the USA (she’s american). Maybe just to scare me or for real, I don’t know. Everyday there is something else.
@dilbert I’m taking the red pill, yes I have seen the Matrix
@Tower I don’t understand why she has been able to control me like that for so many years. I look back at this all the time and I’m clueless. I can assure you it’s not love. I mean early on I used to travel here and there for business, and she would call me 50 times a night easy. Before mobiles she would trace me through a hotel or restaurant until found, to say absolutely nothing, only shout. And if I would hang up the phone, hell would break lose, potentially destruction of property etc. She on the other hand could hang up in my face anytime. (I was happy when she did)
It’s fantastic that you didn’t respond to her.
If there’s any way to increase the $ interval from one day to two days, it will give you a breather.
Let her keep demanding for you to go shopping, and she can shove all her demands up her ass. That’s a demand. DING. and I know it goes up her ass.
Never think in terms of “she’s only asking for…” She made her bed, now she can sleep in it. Always view it as, “She’s asking for……”
Always remember the name of your post, ie. “Just out of Jail” SHE DID THAT. HER. SHE DID IT. She’s so strong and independent,fine,she can handle the crap-pile she’s unloaded atop her head.
She apparently says if I want a divorce then she will raise the youngest in the USA (she’s american). Maybe just to scare me or for real, I don’t know. ——–the c~~~ is pushing your buttons mercilessly. as KM said, ignore ignore ignore. My thought is she’s bluffing.
Everyday there is something else. No please think of it as,”everyday she is pulling some sort of self serving bulls~~~.
I don’t understand why she has been able to control me like that for so many years. — This is what women do, they break you, like a horse, but you my friend have gone back to wild, untamed, unbroken, strong, lion. A lot of stress points were probably pre loaded in your childhood – just like all of us here.
I look back at this all the time and I’m clueless. I can assure you it’s not love. Of course it’s love – it’s her love of herself – and she will, she will! end up paying for it. You have to keep the faith, really. You are not like her, thank heaven.
I mean early on I used to travel here and there for business, and she would call me 50 times a night easy. My ex was the same way – I knew something was wrong, but denied it because of wove.
Before mobiles she would trace me through a hotel or restaurant until found, to say absolutely nothing, only shout. Yup, she’s a nutcase, the sex was probably great, it usually is with the nuts, total romper room all over everything sex. But as we all learned here, not worth it in the long run.
And if I would hang up the phone, hell would break lose, potentially destruction of property etc. See, you were strong then and you are just as strong now – just a hair shellshocked maybe, but just as fundamentally strong. And you will end up stronger. She will end up weaker.
God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble.
She on the other hand could hang up in my face anytime. (I was happy when she did). What they do with the small things, they will do with the larger things. back up one mile and look at this in it’s entirety – she Hung up on you when she sent you to jail. The marriage like the hung up on phone call …is in the process of over. AND”I was happy when she did” is what the big picture has in store for you. Years from now you will see this, but this minute, It’s like a heavy military parachute pallet above your head is swinging to the left this second, but it’s ground track is to the right….don’t run to the right. You’ll get out of this war victorious, but it’s a war in the meantime.
Please stay in touch with all of us here. We will be waiting.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
She apparently says if I want a divorce then she will raise the youngest in the USA (she’s american). Maybe just to scare me or for real, I don’t know. Everyday there is something else.
Just remember that if this ever comes to pass it is not because she unilaterally took control and made it happen on her own – it can only happen if the courts permit it. For better or worse we are all subjugated under the law. Fundamentally she has as much control over you as she does over me. Don’t let her threats wear you down. They are truly hollow.
Anonymous11@Robot: She’s an American woman. God be with you Brother.
Calling you all of the time. Alienating you from friends and family. Always keeping you on the defensive with insane accusations. These are some of the things she used to control you.
Look back in your relationship with her. It probably started with you thinking you had met the most amazing woman in the World. A perfect match made just for you. Then a few trivial odd things appeared like maybe telling you what type of underwear you had to wear. You glossed over them. The odd things began to slowly mount and get more progressive almost like the tide rolling in imperceptible.
Think back to the very first time she raged at you. What was it about? How did you react?
I just sorted the next 8 nights accommodation, which I’m really happy about. Very cheap. Tomorrow I have therapy, the depression is getting worse and I don’t know why. It’s as if I feel sorry for her now. I keep having to remind myself about the s~~~ I’ve been through, but she appears as the breakable little women know, but she’s the one who has been spitting in my face daily…Then I wonder is my head alright, or am I nuts now ??? I keep re-reading your posts, it helps…
Is your therapist male or female?
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Sorry to keep harping on the mental health effects of breaking up. Here is an article documenting what I’m saying:
Suicide?
In the early morning hours of Jan. 7, 43-year-old Derrick K. Miller walked up to a security guard at the entrance to the San Diego Courthouse, where a family court had recently ruled against him on overdue child support.
Clutching court papers in one hand, he drew out a gun with the other. Declaring: “You did this to me,” he fatally shot himself through the skull.
Miller’s suicide is symbolic of a frightening global trend: an alarming rise in male suicides. According to a round of studies conducted in North America, Europe and Australia, one reason for the increase may be the discrimination fathers encounter in family courts, especially the denial of access to their children
#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.
Anonymous11she appears as the breakable little women know
She’s doing this to try to rope you back in Robot as in trying to regain the control of you which she knows she is losing. PD people instinctively know how to play people. She learned these tactics to cope with her dysfunctionality. She uses them, because they work on those susceptible to them.
It’s good to hear you have a therapist. Make sure this person is proficient at dealing with cases of victims of people with personality disorders if not find one who is.
Get out a pen and paper and start making a list of every negative and bad thing you can think of that she’s ever done or said to you. Refer to it whenever you begin to feel yourself weakening towards her. You’d be surprised at how quickly you will come up with so many things.
Be steadfast and learn all you can about what you are facing with her. Always remember that you are the only normal parent your children have. Let that guide you.
Congratulations, you succeeded at finding 8 nights lodging into the future. Compare this to how you felt before that – vs now, you can do it. Confidence is built on successes.
Write out all your options. all of your options. Start by putting at the bottom of the page,”this list is to be and will be expanded”
A) divorce
B) go back
C) stay for X years
D) go live with my dad E) my brother F) my friend
G) go be a bartender in hawaii for a year
H) :
Work at thinking of every possible other option and write them down immediately, even the last choice ones. Think of this at bed time and in the morning your brain will give you new answers.
By knowing that you, are making a choice and that you do have other choices, it will take away pressure and fear of the unknown.
Those Navy guys, yeah, the squids, know that when they run out of fuel trying to land on the aircraft carrier, they can eject – not the most appealing option, but an option none the less. The delivery room doctor knows if the crap hits the fan he can do a C section.
I respect what HRPuffinstuf just said. You can Always change your mind.
Pray. Pursue the positives vigorously. Leave no stone unturned. You always have choices, your free will belongs to you and you alone.
Listen to what the other guys say here, esp BrainPilot/KeyMaster and many many fine men.
Breathe deeply three count in , three count hold , three count exhale , three count before repeat. Wiggle your fingers and especially your toes – your body won’t allow you to be tense while wiggling your toes.
Keep in touch. When you’ve got a few minutes, please read one or two newest guys introductions and Do send them a word of encouragement. It will mean a lot to them. A lot being the understatement of the century. You’re going to end up one of their best supporters here. It doesn’t have to be a long boring message like yours truly succombs to writing, but a ‘welcome to mgtow’ and tell them in a phrase how it’s helping you. MEN are wired to be supporters – give these guys the support they need.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Her telling you through others that she’s unhappy and miserable is simply to make you feel as guilty as possible. And as of now it’s having an effect. If it were me, I’d have the bank auto transfer the budget to her account everytime.
Then I’d take a vacation if you can get the chance. From your job. For two weeks. If not, just take two weeks out of the situation. And do the things you like to do. Just by yourself. Eat the places you want to eat, watch the films you want to see, do what you want for that time. Rebuild your ego. It’s been trampled too long.
Now when you do see your kids the rule is they can’t talk about her. This is a time for you and the kids to have fun and make the most of the time you have in a positive way. Hell introduce them to any interests you have. Exact same goes for any male friends you spend time with. Basically pretend your wife doesn’t exist for at least six months. If you visit your kids do so when she isn’t there or when they’re by their grandmothers or some other extended family. Should said extended family talk about her then tell them you’d rather they didn’t. If they keep at it, just play a funny tune or comedy sketch in your head while they’re talking. Try your best to completely forget about her and erase her negativity. You have to diminish her presence as much as you can. Do this and one day she’ll just be that vague entity you remember from what feels like another life.
@unbelievableyetnot Great idea. “If it were me, I’d have the bank auto transfer the budget to her account everytime.”
@chauvinistpig, could you please site a source on how the victim deals with PD or BPD people. I tried looking up stuff and was in over my head and it seems backward as far as offender vs receiver.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Anonymous11Experienced: Robot’s case reeks of Borderline exposure. I only spent three months in that bizarro world, and it was pure hell. I’ve come to the conclusion BPD’s are just like black holes. You cannot ever fully comprehend one, and they will destroy you. Borderlines were originally called that as the psychs had trouble comprehending if they were sane or insane. It is a fascinating disorder to study. Ted Bundy the notorious serial killer was a diagnosed Borderline though the majority of Borderlines are women.
I know he’s hitting shrinkformen.com which is a very good resource too. I found the above to be a better resource though as it’s way more extensive with moderators who are very good and lots of good reading.
I’m just worried he will succumb to her as she is now pulling out all of the stops on him. The more he info feeds us the more confident I am in calling it Borderline. I have a special hatred for Borderlines for obvious reasons. My experience with one was the first stage of my going MGHOW though so there is a gift at the end of the tunnel. I’ll never forget Googling “Hit on bartender in front of me” and following a link to bpdfamily. It was like reading a damn movie script of that relations~~~.
@Robot: I highly recommend you check out that link. It is an excellent place that will provide you with massive amounts of Borderline specific information. You will find others who are going through the exact same thing you are. It’s very similar to mgtow.com as far as having a great and caring community involved with it. Handling a Borderline is a very tricky piece of work, and there is so much good information there on the subject. When mine tried to reengage me, the things I learned from them had me handling her like a pro.
One more piece of advice is try to not engage in schadenfreude, the idea that you’re going to take joy out of her “suffering”. While that may seem like the way to go, it still places her in the center of your life and it’s a negative way to think. The goal is to get to a place where what she feels matters no more than a fart in the wind. Take joy out of your freedom instead. Because that’s about YOU.
When she told others that she’s unhappy and miserable, “Her telling you through others that she’s unhappy and miserable” , the same others should have immediately told her, “Well that’s what you get for doing what you did to him![and then as Al Pacino said in Scarface,”you stupid eff, well look at you now!”]] and IMO not even told you about this. Be careful in that sometimes people who appear neutral are later found out to have been not neutral at all. There’s ways that they draw out things for the effect that they desire.
Thank you ChauvinistPig for:
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Anonymous11Happy to provide it. Be aware that BPDs are maestros at organizing smear campaigns against the victim to get others to gang up on their targets. She’s already put the guy in jail on false charges which is a fundamental play of theirs.
I’m across an ocean from him and a 1000 miles further South and not qualified to diagnose her, but it has BPD written all over it.
The MGTOW way is very damn effective in keeping BPDs away from you. However, safely disengaging from one is part art and part science and going full blast hardcore MGTOW on one could set her off like a bomb if she is already attached to you. You’ve got to be a secret agent MGHOW with them to safely get away.
That site has the formula to handle one for any situation. As Key mentioned, you basically use their hubris against them. BPD women commit suicide at a higher rate than normal once their looks begin to fade too. A BPD without a host basically weirds out in a state they call dysregulated in BPD speak and goes frantic. I remember whenever mine dysregulated around me. There was some really, really weird s~~~ that she would do.
I remember one time I ran into mine at a bar about 4 months post breakup, and she was hanging all over me trying to get me to cheat with her. She was a very attractive woman who would f~~~ you like a jack hammer. I felt like I had a man doing it to me as in I turtled big time. I used the knowledge from that site to manipulate the s~~~ out of her and get the hell away w/o her blowing up on me.
Some people actually try to save BPDs willingly and will knowingly stay with them that site has a forum for them too. I hope he leaves her successfully. I’m of the hit the eject button school of thought though.
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