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Russky 3 years, 3 months ago.
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I just spent 18 hours in Jail for assault. Apparently hit my wife. I didn’t but they didn’t care (UK). I’m charged with assault and out on bail. Wife borderline/Narcissist. Not allowed contacting her until trial which is good, but hear through people she wants me back bla bla, marriage counselling etc. How do you stay strong, been married for more than 20 years but always controlled and manipulated. She uses my love for our children including 3 year old to manipulate me … No money, not easy…Need strenght
Anonymous18Welcome, sorry to hear what happened to you.
Sticky situation you’re in. If there is no option hint willingness to go back to her. Especially if it helps with the trial.
Keep us posted.
I hope you weather the storm out. You married a she-devil.
You are welcome here. Do not initiate contact. Have proof that she keeps baiting you. Send info only via word of mouth – ie that’s what she’s pulling on you. Never answer her at a higher level of communication: via friends, then via friends. She Via text, then you via friends or via text. You ‘have to’ be able to prove in a legally binding way that she initiated all contacts.
If she emails you, Try to answer via email rather than only text. The Email might get her to talk more and “do herself in legally,” although the texting at a busy time might get her to text incriminating info without thinking about it. Do it all IMO for God, and for your children. Be circumspect. “shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”
Get sleep. You will require more sleep when under this level of stress. When you go to bed, shut off your phone ringer, let everyone leave messages, save ALL of them. Wear earplugs, tinfoil the windows, make it clear that your door is not to be knocked on. Try to keep that room cool.
Keep us posted.
Do not trust her friends, even co-friends.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Also, while this is all fresh and she hasn’t been briefed, she’s likely to be more of a “Chatty Kathy.” If you are told she said “xxxx,” “xxxx” being incriminating, then immediately write those exact words down and get the person telling you this to sign it [and date it, etc]
If someone does a bank job, the authorities want all the details said, written, and signed[notarized may be needed]. The reason they do this is to get it accurately, fresh and correct, and most important of all – to cut the crap of eg. “well… he didn’t really point the gun at me and scream[when he pointed it half an inch to the left] and maybe he yelled and just asked loudly and needed the money yeah that’s it he came in with a water pistol, no water pitcher and politely requested money so as not to starve……
Sleep/eat/……….strike mentally while the iron is hot.
stay in touch with the guys here, they will help you a lot.
Also, you my friend are entitled to ask 10,000 questions here, you need all the help.
If you get back with her, always wear a voice activated voice recorder unbeknownst to her. Two different women: the one you were married to let’s say five years ago, vs the entity with the current track record of what she just pulled and will pull again. Do not ever allow yourself to make the mental error of thinking of her now as being who she once was and no longer is. She will do everything to try to get you to do this-don’t allow her to.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Thanks for all the comments so far. My biggest fear is to be weak and walk back home eventually and crawl back under her rule and live the rest of my life in misery and under constant threat of some other crazy thing she would pull because I don’t behave the way she wants me to. She’s already started to text me with love messages etc. Of course I’m not replying, I would break bail conditions. But I need emotional strength.
How do you stay strong? Because you love your children. She wants to use that against you, but it is your strength. Your children need to know that they deserve to be treated well, that they do not deserve abuse. Give them the example of how to stand up to this kind of abuse, that they do not have to take it. Your child may not understand while Dad’s not around right now, but they will see the truth one day, and want to follow your example.
Ok. Then do it.
I get what you say but the kids may see the part of her asking for forgiveness and think should give her a chance. They may not remember that I given these chances many times and fell for the same s~~~ over and over again only to be back under her thumb again 5 minutes later.
I will go through with this but Fear, Obligation and Guilt FOG, despite what she’s done, is somehow here. When will the FOG go away???
Keep all records including text, email, etc. Write all events as they go and get a recorder to record all events. You can use those texts against her during trial. Good luck mate you’re going to need it. If feel need to vent we are here for you.
"If pussy was a stock it would be plummeting right now because you've flooded the market with it. You're giving it away too easy." - Dave Chapelle
Get a restraining order against her for communications if this is causing stress. Key here is to now internalize she doesn’t give a damn about your stress, only her wants. If you don’t get the restraining order against her harassment of you, at least know you can pull out a dead sea scroll across the courtroom floor to get it into everyones’ heads, the degree to which she’s a bitch. get your attorney, when the time comes, to push HER anger buttons when she’s in the stand. She won’t ‘get it,’ she’ll react, and all will see what a jerry springer c~~~ she is. that’s right she’s a c~~~. the proof is in the jail time you did because of her. no man wants a c~~~ influencing his kids. hope this helps . do stay in touch with all of us here.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Robert,
Yes, you’re kids may think you’re doing the wrong thing, they may not like you for it. Your job as a parent is to do what’s best for you and your children, not to do what’s going to get you well liked It’s no different then telling them they can’t have candy for dinner. Yes, they may even hate you for it, but giving in to that is not loving.
And your kids aren’t the only one that’s going to question and doubt your actions. Family and friends will as well. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the truth. It can be very hard, but you know what you need to do.
And honestly, you do not have to completely write her off. You can setup realistic conditions for forgiveness. I did this with my ex-wife. After the divorce, I considered what conditions needed to occur in order for me to consider remarrying her (for the good of the children and all). She needed to illustrate the ability to handle money wisely for a couple of years. She need to illustrate that you could accept live without constant change, that she can follow through with her commitments. She would have to show respect and not attempt to manipulate. Not difficult things, just things you could expect for a typical human being.
And of course, she’s done none of these things. Sure, be willing to forgive her, but forgiveness is a 2 way street. She actually has to demonstrate an apology AND a change in behavior in order for the forgiveness. Otherwise, your just a fool looking the other way. The burden is on her, not on you. It may seem like you have the control, the power to make things work, but her behavior is the problem. Without her changing behavior, there is nothing you can do to make things right, you can either accept that, or live in denial.
If she loves you so much, if she can behave like a proper wife, then she shouldn’t have any problems illustrating that for 6 months, a year, maybe two years, and EARNING your forgiveness. And if she can’t do that, then she doesn’t get to be your wife. And no, I’m not saying you should move in for a trial period (she should probably move out if it’s your home). She can start showing go behavior from a far and earn her way back in if that’s what she truly wants to.
Ok. Then do it.
Forgot about the ‘fog’ part. It’s hard to say when exactly, but I think it’s highly dependent on how much you use your head to interpret what you’re seeing. You already know you can see through this fog. You’re recognizing the manipulation and other behaviors. So focus on those. When you see that behavior again, recognize it for what it is. The more you do that, the more you’ll be able to see it again the next time it comes up. The more confident you will be that making a stand for yourself is the right move.
Ok. Then do it.
thank you great advice!
F~~~ f~~~ man I’m on a fast turnround and haven’t got the f~~~ing time … I’m off the ground in 15mins.
Stay on here if you can later. The advice will keep coming.
It time for you head to rule. Cool down. Make your space quite.
Knowledge is power. The guys here will point the way.
You kids love you but don’t like seeing this.
You must now think of yourself and them.
F~~~ .. i gotta go.
Thinking of you man. Stay striong talk taler with luck
The fog is still sometimes there for many of us. Time will help dillute it, but it won’t ever be purely gone, so it seems. Why did she do thus and such? For this reason:______, How could this only have happened? Because she was___________ . Can’t give the details, but sometimes the truth is so big it’s incomprehensblurr.
Sometime every day you need to physically work/workout to exhaustion. Skip Sunday. This will help you sleep and get an early nap in. It’s almost like a coma situation where you will have to, by action by decision get yourself exhausted and when you awaken from sleeping at other points in the day, you will have recovered to a greater degree than only sleeping due to the stress of the bitch exhaustion. Also, know it’s a fact that most weightlifters put on a good ten to twenty pounds of muscle when a s~~~ty relationship is ended by them.
Take FULL spectrum B complex. Chain is only strong as weakest link ie don’t purchase the b complex that has >100% for all but one B vitamin and it’s 10% – don’t buy it. buy what has full >100% for every breakdown of B.
EAT – forgot how all that bitch kills the appetite. Get the essential amino acids, the essential fatty acids, avoid eating crap, but don’t drop forty pounds by depriving your body of spare parts when it needs them – that iron is only hot for a limited time.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
My biggest fear is to be weak and walk back home eventually and crawl back under her rule and live the rest of my life in misery and under constant threat of some other crazy thing she would pull because I don’t behave the way she wants me to.
Damn Son, while this may be a s~~~ty situation, it looks like a perfect time to crawl-out from under fear. Her rule? Her rule? F~~~. A woman needs a man. WE DON’T NEED S~~~. A man who allows himself to be ruled by a woman deserves everything that’s coming to him and more. Are you prepared to take another 20 years of her s~~~?
All women are neurotic children, which is why she throws you in jail, and not less than a hour later, is sending you love messages. Stay away for just one week and her life will completely fall apart. As men, WE make it all work. Women are just scared little children playing house. I say haul-ass and don’t even look back. The kids will understand later that dad was right to leave this bat-s~~~ crazy woman. They’ll leave her too when they can.
Good luck.
Hello, and welcome. Wish it was under better circumstances. Very moved by your story.
“Strength” is not something I would have a problem having in a situation like this. I’ve had my hands tied before, and I busted free using every bit of strength I had left….. times 100. I even surprised myself. I won’t bulls~~~ you and tell you “all that’s missing is the will”, but perhaps that’s all that’s missing.
Twice, I spoke personally with MGTOW Messenger (“Messenger Rising” on YouTube) for a few hours. He is also from the UK. Very down to Earth and has experienced hell – and prison – through no fault of his own. Was fascinated listening to him and his story of how a woman f~~~ed his life up – for 10 years – and what kind of awakening he has had. Forget quitting smoking, this guy effectively made me want to START smoking.
Fortunately, it requires less will to make sure something DOES NOT happen to you… than it does to MAKE something happen.
How much strength do you need to make sure something does NOT happen to you?
Muster it together, and remind yourself, she wants you back because every narcissist NEEDS a punching bag. They will do everything to keep that punching bag. Pull it away, and you can see some pretty intense hostility. But it takes minimal effort. Just an awareness can make all the difference. I had a friend who was an extreme control freak and manipulative. It took me 4 years to realize it… but he was OFF THE CHARTS. I don’t need to get into because this is about you, but perhaps connecting with someone who has been there will help. ….
If you need another voice who may help you make sure it does NOT happen to you.
“The exploitation of male virtues” is a featured video in the top center of our homepage. That’s him.I’m quite sure he wouldn’t mind if you reached out to him.
••••••
She wants you back. Who cares what she wants.
When SHE cares what YOU want, you can begin to care what she wants. That’s how I would think of it. I would never care about someone so uncaring, no matter how many years were invested. Women know that 20 years invested means something to you. And they exploit it. Don’t let them.
I can offer you a very useful tip:
Manipulators think they are in control of everything. That’s their hubris.
Fortunately, NOBODY is easier to manipulate — than a manipulator.Just knowing that (and understanding how it works) is a power position.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.Lots of great advice here, I would add that if you can afford it a private investigator would not necessarily be a bad idea. Odds are she is doing several questionable things and probably some illegal ones.
Unfortunately the burden of proof is on you and the court will try to side with her so provide a s~~~storm of evidence. I am not sure about UK law but signed statements count as Hearsay in the US so you might want to look into that situation for yourself.
The fog you speak of really only cleared for me once I was able to remove all emotions for her. You cannot be confused by someone you don’t have any emotions for. unfortunately that is more of a long term thing, you need to think short term e.g. What do I need to do to protect myself and my children? Part of that answer has already been provided.
1. Stay away from her
2. Take care of your health
3. Record everything you can audio or video
4. Any communication should be initiated by her
5. If there is any formal communication have a trusted friend who has no loyalties to her be a witness and record everything.
6. Remember to try and keep your problems simple and what I mean by that is make sure that you break any problems you see down into manageable pieces. This will help to keep from feeling overwhelmed.
7. If you have a joint account take all of your money out NOW or sooner. Believe me she will drain it if possible. Cancel any joint credit cards.Stay strong. Contact us as much as you need.
Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self. -Terry Goodkind
So this is the advice I would have given myself if I could go back in time. Slightly different situation (no marriage, no kids) but I hope it helps.
- You are alone in this. Nobody gives a s~~~ about you. There is no support or safety net.
- Recognize that it is over and that there is no turning back. It was probably a long time coming. Ignore the texts and other attempts at contact no matter how much you want to respond. You need to look after yourself now.
- Try to look at the arrest as a good thing if you can – the forced separation is exactly what is needed.
- Take responsibility. Understand that you should have walked away a long time ago and that things were beyond repair. Don’t let yourself feel like a victim even if you have every right to. Being a victim means weakness. You need to be strong.
- Know that the system is in favour of women and use that to your advantage if possible. I avoided a criminal record because the system would rather have had me plead guilty and hand me a conditional discharge than have me plead not guilty and turn a woman into a criminal.
- Go through all the counselling and anger management bulls~~~ like a dog on a leash. Just do it with a smile on your face and say that “you’ve changed your ways”. It is the path of least resistance and once it is behind you it will be forgotten.
- Understand that this won’t be over any time soon. The fog will eventually lift a bit, but it might not ever go away. It takes time.
If I had kids I’d like to think the above would not change. Look after yourself first and foremost – the stronger you are the more you can do for your children in the long run.
Take care man. You’ll make it through this.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THERE IS ‘HERE …US’
It’s surgical time. You can’t ‘operate’ if you’re all over the place.
You can’t stay emotionless all the time at the moment but you CAN be emotionless and surgical for certain periods.
So when dealing with what’s coming … steel yourself for that time. Tears can wait … for down time.
You know your enemy … her weaknesses …. USE THEM.
There are several plans of attack & defence we can all give you but it depends on what you’re about to do next.
LISTEN TO INNER WISDOM . Feeling bad has been injected into your soul since birth. IT’S AN ILLUSION.
Keymaster has given you golden advice … as have many others. Absorb it … reach out.
You have been severely unplugged and that’s going to shock and hurt. WE KNOW THIS PAIN.
It’s what will focus you eventually … but not know. Use us for sounding.
AGAIN
YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT ALONE.
I sit corrected and thankful to Lazarus Long for,
“signed statements count as Hearsay in the US so you might want to look into that situation for yourself.”
What you do is get: “sworn,witnessed, notarized affidavits.” That’s what worked in US court for me anyway. The private investigator is also a great idea. Does anyone have any thoughts as far as liabilities and how far your friends can legally spy on her. Also LOL in my case someone got a hold of ALL my texts, great, because they are all legit and free from any wrongdoing. Maybe you share joint textphones etc that you can get records of before she burns her papertrail. Also, put, unbeknownst to her, one of those programs that reports all keystrokes on her computer to your chosen computer…some of the guys here are experts on that type of thing.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
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