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RegularJough 3 years, 4 months ago.
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Thanks for the help though.
I’ll keep my eyes open to find my niche in life.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Hey everybody.
Figured I’d post an update to my life. It’s not too great, but it’s moving forward, one day at a time.
Had a company picnic on Saturday. On the way there, drove past my ex, and noticed she still hasn’t registered her car yet, still had the old plates. When I said WTH, my oldest daughter commented that Mom must be too busy drinking to take care of the car. Upon further questioning, I find out my ex has accelerated her drinking, probably in leu of her intense pot habit, and got it to the point where my kids are very concerned.
After the picnic, I contacted my ex, said we needed to talk. Drove over, just me, and brought the kids concerns to her attention. She lost her mind. Almost immediately, it became personal attacks ON ME, and grilled me up and down about my thoughts and what I believed to be true.
Turns out, the nip bottles rolling in her car, the vodka bottles in the house, the wine.. All just her attempts to fit in a little more with new dudes. The beer in the fridge, which was there for a while, that no one drank (I don’t drink at all) was consumed by some other new guy, not my ex. My ex believes she is hiding the truth from the kids, by telling them “if I have a boyfriend, I’ll tell you guys”, but the kids don’t understand that mom is just screwing a bunch of guys. So, because the kids think there was NO men around, surely all the alcohol was drank by mom. My ex lost her mind, began yelling at me, so I left. Went home, told the kids the truth. Mom has no new husband or boyfriend, mom is currently not an alcoholic, and mom is screwing dudes who are just “friends”.
The next day, my oldest was out volunteering, and time was closing in for when they’d go back to Moms house. I told my youngest to be prepared for a speech from Mom about alcohol, and she said she didn’t even want to talk to mom. She say mom just tells her everything she thinks is wrong, everything she feels is wrong, then mom tells her what she should think and should feel. To the point where my daughter says “and if I don’t, mom will say something mean like ‘if that’s how you want to feel, then I’m sorry you choose to feel that way'”
Real f~~~ing nice. This is the exact same stuff we were talking about in counseling.
I should mention, because I know what everyone is probably thinking…. Yes, my ex was just a sliver away from being diagnosed with BPD, but the feminist c~~~ therapist chalked it up to her being in a tough spot during the initial separation. However, I know that s~~~ has been who she is for a long time. It’s the most screwed up s~~~, to see the face she would put on for years in front of people, but I’m the only one who (kids too, now) got to see the real her.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
So I guess that her bragging that she is having a great time without you was just a front. Anyways, I hope that your ex can get some help because it looks like she is in a downward spiral trying to fill a void with all the self harm she is doing to herself. Not saying to not divorce her, but at least try to help her out for the kids, if it is not for yourself obviously. But don’t try to help her out by doing all the work for her, since you have to meet her half way, because she has to work at it too. I think that she is doing what she is doing to cope with her situation and it is obvious that that is the case. The worst thing that can happen is that in you trying to give it your all in trying to help her out, she might actually sink you in with all of her problems. Here is something from a book that I read:Link
Law 10: INFECTION: AVOID THE UNHAPPY AND UNLUCKY
You can die from someone else’s misery—emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
The advice I will give for you is to try to find your own balance in trying to help your ex without drowning yourself with her problems too much as well. She might actually be helpless though as a way to act incompetent as a way to be passive aggressive with you to get back at you for some reason though, so you might have to look out for that as well.
"Question everything" - Albert Einstein
Excellent advice.
I think she’s just overwhelmed with her decision to leave me. Of course, every one here has heard the same story a thousand times now.
But, for her, this is all new. And for me, it’s like I’m living post-to-post on this forum. Every bad story, every screwed up thing, I get a small piece of each pie.
To me, I’m not shocked at all, it’s nice to know what’s happening is actually to be expected. I just worry about my kids, and their potential mixed up views of what women “are supposed to do” after a divorce.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Anonymous3I just worry about my kids, and their potential mixed up views of what women “are supposed to do” after a divorce.
And what women are supposed to do?
Sane and rational behaviour? Have everyone’s best interest at heart?
With divorce there is a popular notion that all men are bad and that is why women divorce. Even if women cheat, it was the man’s fault, because he failed to appreciate her or something.
Translating this ‘womanspeak’ to rational sentences: it is expected that women act vindictively and destroy the man. Just because…
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
So, maybe you are projecting you own male expectations on your kids. You know… Positive and constructive actions.
That is not how women behave.
I fully understand were you are coming for. How can you see the mother of your kids destroying herself? Deep down every men knows a woman is like a child that needs to be taken care of.
Unfortunately the kids have taken over the boat.
If you try to plug the holes in that boat, they will push you from behind and plug the holes with you!
I am not saying here: leave her sinking. But be aware that the boat is no longer yours.
If you offer some boards and a hammer, and she spits back at you, are you going to keep saving her from herself?
Keymaster says “one chance, per woman,per lifetime”.
How many chances have you given her already? Thousands?
Time to think on yourself for your kids sake. That other boat has departed and gone with another captain.
Again, I am not saying don’t help her. But emotionally you must detach yourself from that wreckage.
You are no longer responsible.
A member once said:
Not my circus, not my monkey.
Hey RegularJough, the inevitable day is gonna come were she’s gonna come back and try to make it work again, by then your gonna be way beyond trying to even go there, you’ll probably just upgrade to a hot fresh 18 year old, anyways, I just want you to remember my words when that day comes, and please, make sure you tell her to f~~~ off, and when you do, please post it here, thanks, have a blessed day.
I doubt that!
After she texted me today, I laid some serious heat on her.
Told her she’s hitting the wall, that she’s setting a bad example for the kids, that she’s just looking for a guy to continue her meager existence, among other things.
She didn’t take it well.
To add to the stresses, my 12 year old daughter is convinced she is transgender. Wants a boy name, all boy sports and boy clothes.
I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for this.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
I just worry about my kids, and their potential mixed up views of what women “are supposed to do” after a divorce.
And what women are supposed to do?
Sane and rational behaviour? Have everyone’s best interest at heart?
With divorce there is a popular notion that all men are bad and that is why women divorce. Even if women cheat, it was the man’s fault, because he failed to appreciate her or something.
Translating this ‘womanspeak’ to rational sentences: it is expected that women act vindictively and destroy the man. Just because…
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
So, maybe you are projecting you own male expectations on your kids. You know… Positive and constructive actions.
That is not how women behave.
I fully understand were you are coming for. How can you see the mother of your kids destroying herself? Deep down every men knows a woman is like a child that needs to be taken care of.
Unfortunately the kids have taken over the boat.
If you try to plug the holes in that boat, they will push you from behind and plug the holes with you!
I am not saying here: leave her sinking. But be aware that the boat is no longer yours.
If you offer some boards and a hammer, and she spits back at you, are you going to keep saving her from herself?
Keymaster says “one chance, per woman,per lifetime”.
How many chances have you given her already? Thousands?
Time to think on yourself for your kids sake. That other boat has departed and gone with another captain.
Again, I am not saying don’t help her. But emotionally you must detach yourself from that wreckage.
You are no longer responsible.
A member once said:
Not my circus, not my monkey.
Intense stuff.
The detaching part is getting better. I’m much more able to control my emotions without becoming irate. This is now just business with her.
While I don’t foresee the chance she’d swallow her pride and even think about trying to get back with me, I’d love the chance to laugh in her face and tell her no.
However, I think if there were to be a catalyst, it would be her car breaks down, like dead (because it almost is, I would’ve bought her a new one, blue pill style if we were still together) or if she loses her job. More than likely, if the car dies, she’ll lose her job anyways. At that point, I think she’d consider it. And, because her longest job run has only been about 1.5 years, I’d say her clock is ticking anyways.
I bought her…
202,000 house
9,000 car
10,000 car
13,000 car
4,000 car
5,500 Disney
9,600 for pot, (easy guess, 8 years, 96 months, $100 a month, I know it’s more but whatever)
Plus all the extra bulls~~~ for her “feel good” lifestyle, like her cake “business”.Looking back, I don’t know what the hell ran through my head, except “KEEP HER HAPPY”, only it never really worked.
I’ll admit though, this isn’t actually feeling better yet, but I know it will. One day at a time, and I’ll reclaim all my sovereignty. Like, last night, went fishing, in the rain, until I was soaked. Do any of you realize the amount of questions I would have had to answer if I came home after dark from fishing? It never would have been worth it. It’s the main reason I got so used to doing nothing, I couldn’t put up with the aftermath. She both covertly and overtly controlled my actions by giving me indirect negative feedback if I did anything that I enjoyed. Either I “owed” her by means of her going off with friends, or just being straight bitchy about how long I was gone. Eventually, it was never worth it. She got her way, but hated that she couldn’t hold it over my head when she wanted to go see her friends, so she’d fight about something, so then feeling angry, she could not feel guilty about leaving.God….. This is so stupid.
I think I need to buy a laptop, maybe I should just write the highlights of the last 15 years and post it somewhere, maybe print it so other young men aren’t caught off guard one day….
Shit tested, Brother approved.
You wish it was $100 a month for weed
lol
I dated a pothead and it was like $100 a week.
I’m seriously considering the Vasectomy…
I’m 34 and no kids. No wife.
Just starting to enjoy my life.I’m seriously considering the Vasectomy…
I’m 34 and no kids. No wife.
Just starting to enjoy my life.Yeah, the pot expense….
I guessed $100 a month to be fair. Sometimes, we were so broke, I’m sure it was only $100 a month. But, if I had cash, she never ran out of pot. I couldn’t put up with the attitude when she wasn’t high.
Truth be told, a few nights ago, a skunk must have been out side, and the Windows were open at my apartment, and I smelled the skunk. Instantly, I had an emotion pop into my head… It was like, “Phew, she has pot, she’ll be happy for a little while, I can’t wait to chill and not worry about fighting, maybe have sex too”. I could have lost my s~~~ once I realized why that s~~~ popped into my head.
On the other note. Vasectomy.
Do it.
At 34, (my age too), your much too old to even worry about something as foolish as having a baby now. Seriously, it’s too late. Babies are for 21 year old kids, who don’t realize the gravity of the situation.
If you have health insurance, it’s probably almost free. It doesn’t hurt, but you may be sore for a few days or a week. About 10, give or take, uses of the flesh light, or what have you, will rid you live sperm.
I can’t tell you how good it felt afterwards knowing I’d never have to worry about having another kid. Simple the most freeing feeling. I can tell you a funny story though.
I get the vasectomy. No big deal, I was nervous though. I was 24 at the time, 2nd youngest guy this doc had done this for. All set, good to go, make an appointment to be checked out in about two weeks, for a sperm count. I had the option to ether bring in a sample, or provide one in the office. Kinda weird, didn’t feel like rubbing one out in there, so I brought one two weeks later in the provided cup.
The cup had a screw on lid.
I collect the sample before I head there. Put it in my jacket pocket, it was winter, so I had a coat. Get there, check in, lady asks for the sample, said I already had it, and whipped out the bottle. Put it in the desk/counter while a form or something was signed. She takes it. My hand felt wet, or something, then I noticed the paper form was wet, on the counter. I was like “man, wtf is wet around here??” I put my hand in my now wet pocket and realize what happened. The damn screw cap wasn’t all the way sealed. I had nut in pocket, on my hand, on the paper, on the desk, and in that moment, the chick grabbed the bottle and brought it back to someone for a two minute run through with a microscope to check for sperm. When she walked back (this all took place in like 45 seconds), she wiped her right hand down her pant leg to dry it off.
Me? Kinda germaphobe. I’d probably not work some where if there was much chance of leaking bottles of dudes cum. But, apparently, it never crossed her mind that the bottle could be the source of the wetness.
No sperm after two weeks.
I got the hell out of there. No kids since, or ever again.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
I don’t need a woman for anything except getting laid.
In that case, visit someplace where renting one is legal. The expense involved is bound to be less than getting married. It’s probably on a par with dating, and comes without the waste of time but with the certainty of desired outcome.
When you have been with a person for a long time breaking up is hard even if you want the break up, I was married 18 years and being alone was difficult to start with.
Its why many marry on rebound, once you learn to be alone and it takes time you will be fine, I took a series of girlfriends like you I had to have someone, but its the wrong thing to do.
A lonely guy on rebound is vulnerable.
You are in the right place though, many have the guys here have great strategies plans and mindsets, read a lot here I would say is a great way to start.
When you have been with a person for a long time breaking up is hard even if you want the break up, I was married 18 years and being alone was difficult to start with.Its why many marry on rebound, once you learn to be alone and it takes time you will be fine, I took a series of girlfriends like you I had to have someone, but its the wrong thing to do.
A lonely guy on rebound is vulnerable.
You are in the right place though, many have the guys here have great strategies plans and mindsets, read a lot here I would say is a great way to start.
[/quote]
I hear that Buller
I was with my missus for 21 nearly 22 years..blue pill extreme,but I was happy, or so I believed at the time.
When i got the “I love you but Im not in love with you” any more speech and then found out about the cheating with the guy 16 years her junior ..it all went downhill.The loneliness is f~~~ing hard.I have the kids ,but still waking up every day to go to work where there is no one in the bed next to you , the coming home to talk about your day,all the blue pill stuff that was normal for so long .gone in the space of a couple of months .
It hurts ,its depressing and plans need to be made so you dont get lost and just aimlessly wander in the wilderness.This place has helped me a fair bit,I am still learning, probably the same as you.Learning to find out what it is that makes me happy,who I am and what I want from the rest of my life.
21 years of blue pill and existing to keep other people happy takes its toll.Sure,there were good times for me ,a lot of good times and those memories will always be there. Im 43 with 2 sons aged 20 and 15 , and have been put back at least 10- 15 years by this s~~~ .You are not alone dude.we are all learning here ,some faster than others.Do I want to go back to blue pill sleep ….I honestly dont know what i want at the moment.The red pill is bitter and hard to swallow,as the fear of going my own way and being on my own can be daunting sometimes.
I will keep reading ,keep lurking and keep following this thread in the hope that what i take away from it will be what I need to get me closer to the edge of the abyss of going my own way and happily throwing myself off.
Your story is not individual.Share please, even if only for my sake.Fed, Fucked, Appreciated. The three simple things men want, but women will never grasp.
The loneliness part is getting better for me. I should say, I’m still lonely, but getting “used” to it.
Before the separation, I had already decided to not date or seek out women. However, giving the chance, I wanted to get laid, if I could. It was just a never ending game of finding and talking and spending cash.
My mindset really changed when I blue-pulled my head to thinking “what I had to offer a woman”.
Wrong thought!! Offer, turns out, is synonymous with PROVIDE. I don’t want to provide for anyone, EVER AGAIN. If some chick wants to be with me, fine, but she’ll never get a nickel from me, nor will my time bend for her.
I suppose, that just eliminated 99.9% of chicks, but if that’s the case, nothing much to worry about.
Got my passport paperwork yesterday. I have the rest ready to go, just need a 2×2″ picture. My appointment is two weeks from now. Peru, here I come, without a bitching woman in tow.
My ex has a new habit of calling me selfish, just to shame me into conforming to “provide” to her or other women.
I can’t wait to hear it again. I know exactly what to say. “Yes, it’s all about me now. Thank you. I’ll keep my money, my time and my sovereignty.”
My two daughters are now lucky to have a dad whose focus is maintaining his own happiness and theirs, as opposed to the bottomless pit of want and vanity and narcissism that was my ex.
Selfish? Ann Rand called it a virtue. Thanks, I’ll take it.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
It’s 9:15pm. I got out of work, like always, at 3pm.
A quick stop at the grocery store, and then home. Ate dinner at five, while dinner was in the oven, I showered. Then, cleaned what needed to be cleaned. Played video games for 30 minutes or so.
After that, nothing.
I’ve been sitting on my couch for a total of probably 16 hours the last four days.
Yes, I’ve been out fishing, I’ve worked every day and my house is not messy at all. It’s quiet clean. Chores are quick and efficient without a woman here. My life is so simple, so basic, adding anything feels like stress.
Yet, sitting on my sofa feels like such a waste…. I’m not sure what to do. I have ZERO money right now, and I’m basically living to pay credit card debt. I work seven days a week, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my ex will NOT hold up to our agreement for just $700 a month in child support. If she wants to break my b~~~~, she can take about 1150-1200 a month, even with us doing 50/50 with the kids. If she does, I’ll need to get a part time job, there’s no way I can afford it.
Strange how I find myself staring down having to find a part time job, to supplement my full time (52 hours a week), while my ex works 24-32 hours a week.
I mention money because I’d like to start painting again, or maybe buy a keyboard and finally learn piano, but I can’t bring myself to get deeper into debt.
This s~~~ sucks.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Anonymous3Yet, sitting on my sofa feels like such a waste…. I’m not sure what to do.
Listen to yourself.
You say it is a waste, it is a waste.
So, you can get productive instead. Learn a new skill, teach yourself to play the piano. Or, if you are worried about money, go for a new career or a boost in your present job.
Is there a limit to what a man can do, with enough time and will?
Yet, sitting on my sofa feels like such a waste…. I’m not sure what to do.
Listen to yourself.
You say it is a waste, it is a waste.
So, you can get productive instead. Learn a new skill, teach yourself to play the piano. Or, if you are worried about money, go for a new career or a boost in your present job.
Is there a limit to what a man can do, with enough time and will?
Your right.
Found a keyboard on Craigslist.
I’ll pick it up Sunday at 4pm.
I’m going to park my ass in front of that thing until my hands cramp like that woman from “Needful Things”.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Also, work is still stressful, but I think I’m making inroads towards being a supervisor.
I know, it’s not exactly braggable blue-collar work, but it will be a pay increase and a hour per week decrease, win-win.
I now have a daliy meeting with my plant manager to go over pressing issues and future plans for the company. I work in tandem with the 2nd in command and I’m the “responsible” person for weekends.
Today, I outlined a $30k purchase, along with another $6k in equipment. Our industry is under constant attack from innovation and over seas competition. Today, working on the baby steps, but soon, we should have room to grow. I’ve had plans for this place for years, and now my voice is being heard.
I love the haters. I walk around with the bosses, and they all know I’ll be their boss one day soon, and the animosity is there. It’s all good, work is for work, not friends.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Anonymous3YouTube has a lot of videos of guys teaching folks to play instruments.
You can get the basic stuff, and even learn to read music for free.
At some point however you might feel like you are not progressing, and then its time to get some teacher.
I know this because my daughter learned the electric guitar this way.
And regarding your job, there is always stuff to learn that might help a career. Even a blue-collar job, and I for one have the highest respect for competence of any collar.
As an example (I dont know your area), there must be some safety regulations that apply to your company. It is very good to learn these things. You can even take free online courses about these subjects.YouTube has a lot of videos of guys teaching folks to play instruments.
You can get the basic stuff, and even learn to read music for free.
At some point however you might feel like you are not progressing, and then its time to get some teacher.
I know this because my daughter learned the electric guitar this way.
And regarding your job, there is always stuff to learn that might help a career. Even a blue-collar job, and I for one have the highest respect for competence of any collar.
As an example (I dont know your area), there must be some safety regulations that apply to your company. It is very good to learn these things. You can even take free online courses about these subjects.I had a keyboard before, even took lessons. It was nice.
I started because I was inspired, from the Jewish girl I had mentioned before. She gave me new life, just talking to her made me feel like I was more than just what I had told myself I was. Turns out, she was a temptress. Her end goal was to steal me from my ex. My ego was stroked beyond what I had yet experienced. Suddenly, goals seemed in reach, nothing was too large. That same girl, who I would have considered eating blue pills for, couldn’t remember to say happy birthday, and that was all I could take. Now, I’ll learn the piano for myself, it’s all that matters.
As far as work goes, I’m blue collar at the moment. It’s a union shop, so to advance to a supervision role is huge, it almost never happens. If anyone can do it, it will be me.
I know I can seem down in my posts, but I’m actually an upbeat guy, it’s just things can really get to me sometimes. I’m a born leader. My charisma and leadership has always taken a spot in the back burner since my army days, I never needed it. But now, time to exercise my strengths.
Shit tested, Brother approved.
Anonymous3I know I can seem down in my posts, but I’m actually an upbeat guy, it’s just things can really get to me sometimes. I’m a born leader. My charisma and leadership has always taken a spot in the back burner since my army days, I never needed it. But now, time to exercise my strengths.
No, you dont sound that downbeat at all. It has been clear to everyone the caliber of the man behind these posts.
I may offer some ideas from my experience, but in my mind you are a role model. I wish I had the willpower to do much of what you told us here.
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