Home › Forums › Introductions › Lost Boy, Idiot or Madman? I'm not sure who I am anymore.
Tagged: AA, Drinking, Single Father
This topic contains 52 replies, has 29 voices, and was last updated by 
Atton 2 years, 5 months ago.
- AuthorPosts
First off… I need to stop drinking. I hope I’m not the only one with that sentiment at the forefront of most of the dumb crap I’m responsible for.
Seven years ago I met a terrible woman. Immediately I didn’t know it, but after a trip to my home town in CA with her I found out. She showed herself to be an insufferable alcoholic and violent woman. I decided I had seen enough red flags and this woman wasn’t for me.
I wouldn’t be here in the MGTOW forums if it would have been that easy huh?
Unfortunately for me when I get hammered, I like banging chicks without rubbers. The week I had finally formulated my plan to break up with the woman she called me. She was frantic and on the toilet with a little white stick in her hands. She was pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so I talked her off that ledge.
In retrospect, I’m lucky she listened. She was a selfish woman and to get her to do this for myself and the child is still to this day surprising. The next 10 months were actually “nearly” fantastic. I watched her belly swell. I fell in love. I gained a hilarious labor story of rushing my significant other to the hospital in a blizzard. I saw and held my son.
That was the end of the fairy tale days. Once that kid passed those pink gates the honeymoon was over. She could drink again. She could go to bars, she could do whatever the f~~~ her heart desired. Her heart wasn’t in having and being a part of a family.
On my birthday that first year she assaulted me. It took two of my good friends two restrain her. At a 0.3 BA she was only given 4 days in detox when the police game and took her from the house. It took my black eye longer to go away.
A mere 3 months later she assaulted me again in a drunken rage. This time I was alone in the house with her and when the police came she had bruises from running into a door i slammed on her as she chased me to a room. I was taken to jail, labeled an abusive boyfriend and charged with domestic violence. Her BA was .2+ mine was .06.
What no one knew at the time is after she had assaulted me the first time on my birthday… I had bought a plane ticket. And a couple of weeks later I touched down in merry old London. It was my first MGTOW experience even though I didn’t know it at the time. I would just wander Europe for a while and then figure it out.
It wasn’t my first time in Europe. I was a little too comfortable drinking and partying overseas. I got drunk and fell asleep waiting for a bus to Germany. I was robbed in Spain for the majority of my money and my passport. I didn’t make to Germany. I spent two months in Switzerland sleeping on a friends couch.
This is where I made yet another stupid decision. Via social media, the drunk woman and mother of my child found me online. She apologized. She confessed her wrong doings and swore she wouldn’t repeat the behavior. I wanted to be there for my son. I really convinced myself I could make a future with this broken turd of a human being.
Fast forward 3 years from that time. We’re living in separate houses in California. She’s had two drunk driving incidents. I’ve still got the DV case hanging over me in another state. We’re playing the custody game with my son. I can have him when it’s convenient for her and she does whatever she wants with him when it isn’t. She’s filed for custody and child support. It hasn’t happened yet but it’s coming. Life is hell. I regret not staying in Europe penniless.
The worst moment that immediately comes to mind was the morning of a custody exchange. She showed up looking like a tramp, makeup smudged wreaking of booze, driving illegally… since she’d been forbidden to drive without the breathalizer start in her car. She demanded my son. He wanted to go with her because he didn’t know better. I told her “no”. I said she could even come into the house and sleep it off. Just hang with us.
She refused and again I told her she should not take my son. At this point she turned to me near frothing at the mouth, screaming “What are you gonna do? Hit me?” At this point she garnered the attention of the neighbors. I let my son go and immediately called the police. They refused to act on my tip because what I was offering (her intoxication with my son and her destination) was only hearsay.
At this point I have to take a break and ask myself why I’m rehashing all of this stuff here. It hurts but feels equally therapeutic to put it down in words. I can’t believe that was actually my life at that point. It was entirely out of control and crazy. I couldn’t see through the BS at the time. I needed help but was always told to suck it up.
One morning in 2014 I was waiting for her to drop off my son. She was never late dropping him off. She loved her freedom. It was weird because I couldn’t get a hold of her either. She wouldn’t have missed her opportunity to talk s~~~ to me during the exchange either. Something was wrong.
Now remember, she had been driving around on no license, no insurance, on probation from a DUI from less than a year prior. I had notified authorities about her behavior on 3 separate instances (i notified CPS, Probation and the Police) and had been entirely ignored or even told I was wrong. I felt like the boy who cried wolf. But why wasn’t she there that morning?
At a .3+ BA she had hit a 20 y/o kid on a motorcycle. She did this as she was turning into the daycare to pick up my son. The motorcyclist lost his leg. My son was taken to CPS and no one had bothered to leave a message as I was at home sleeping. Waiting for my son in the morning.
I barely beat the grandparents to retrieve my son from CPS. Now I had CPS in my life thanks to this woman’s actions. I endured a series of interviews where my ability to parent was questioned. I asked the CPS woman about my report to them and why they ignored it. She changed the subject told me that if I knew something was wrong… I had endangered my son by allowing him to go with his mother. Mind blown. I was at a loss.
I had just become a single father. Lucky in some regards. The struggle was real however. Resources for single mothers were much more prevalent. Many agencies turned me away. I don’t have a mother or father in my life. No siblings and no extended family. So besides a couple of supportive friends. I was alone. The grandparents (her parents) were the only ones trying to help. Unfortunately they were still on her side 100%.
In their eyes. It was my fault she’d done this. I (still labeled the abusive boyfriend) had brought this on. They spent their resources for her defense and not on helping their grandson. So I was relieved when a woman I had been seeing at the time really stepped up. Any woman at that time who would have come anywhere near my situation, should have been a walking red flag.
I fell again. I yearned so much for the help that I accepted this woman. I was alone scared and desperate. I accepted her even more because she didn’t drink. But she was a 12 stepper… another big red flag I ignored. This was the moment I needed to buck up and accept being alone. Stand strong and go it alone. Stay stoic and fix my life. Not quite the choice I made and in under 3 months we were pregnant.
Fast forward 3 years. Life repeats itself because I keep making the same stupid decisions.
In sequence: We have our daughter born. It’s amazing. I return to the other state and clear my name seeing as the evidence is overwhelming of who was the asshole. The grandparents get visitation rights from the courts. We’re married. Things seem fine. I am building my nuclear family. I’m legitimately happy. Cracks begin in the shell. She’s unhappy with our life. She wants more. She falls off her 12 step wagon. She causes us to crash our vehicle drunk. She nearly killed me. She crippled herself. I refuse to press charges. I want out of the marriage. I get hired by the US Forest Service. She refuses to end things…clinging to the lease we are in together as armor. Holding my daughter over my head is her new favorite game. Threatens custody battles and child support. Remember I have no where to go. She does, but refuses to leave. She claims she can fix it.
F~~~. I give up.
I start looking to the internet for options. I find red pill type websites and get a bit inspired. Although helpful, the other sites are plagued with trolls and wanna be PUAs. I buy a one way ticket again. I tell no one. I leave.
And here I am sitting in a rented room in Europe with two bags of possessions to my name. Lost, sad and tired. I’m utterly defeated. I’m confessing my failure to a forum of complete strangers with the hope I will be accepted. I’m sure I face some insane court dates in criminal and civil court if I ever return home. So I don’t plan to. I hope I’ve found a good online community where I can be inspired. Maybe someone who can lend some knowledge from their own experience. Maybe I can be a cautionary tale. Maybe I can help someone with my experiences. Maybe…
That’s my intro,
-BlackeyeFatlipWelcome brother!
Self-improvement is my religion. Sovereignty is my god.
And to any lurkers working in the us government or any county child support agency or and cps agency. This is what you have created. This is your legacy. May God smite you all heartless c~~~s.
Anyways
Bro your here and I accept you. I’m sure others will. Sounds like you have tried to be a man this whole time and women and their puppet government have interfered. You have my condolences. Anyways welcome to the forums and if you ever need help were here. That being said the fridge has a nice selection of beer and cool beverages.God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change: Courage to change the things I can: And Wisdom to know the difference. -Reinhold Niebuhr 1951
Anonymous7Welcome home.
First off… I need to stop drinking. I hope I’m not the only one with that sentiment at the forefront of most of the dumb crap I’m responsible for.
Nope!
This is the final step of the great Un-C~~~ing of 2017 for yours truly.Good luck.
Anonymous13Welcome.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
All that is standard s~~~ vortex M.O.
All you have to do is get out of it ANY which way you can.
It’s hard, but if you want something bad enough….
ONLY then will you find peace.
That PEACE is so worth it.
Good luck Bro.
I would rather be penniless than to give a woman anything at all. It sucks now, but the longer you are away from that woman, the better you will feel. Here, you will find many who have done this journey before, some going through it now, as you are, and if you stick around, others that will be as well. You are not alone.
Welcome brother…enjoy the forums and learn from other brothers who had it worse than you and are still struggling…All because of the illusion that snowflake can love us the way we love them…Nope…they cant…Lesson learned and keep taking the red pill to educate yourself…
I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...
You like banging chicks without rubbers and you’re against abortion? That’s a recipe for disaster if ever i heard it.
"The secret to happiness is freedom... And the secret to freedom is courage." - Thucydides
You like banging chicks without rubbers and you’re against abortion? That’s a recipe for disaster if ever i heard it.
Yeh it’s not been all sunshine and rainbows that’s for sure. I open the intro saying so… I’ve made some really stupid decisions drunk. I should probably stop drinking. But that’s been a harder relationship to walk away from.
And I just want to clarify. I am not against abortion at large. Everyone has their own prerogatives and decisions. I’m just against it in my own life. Although some might say it would have saved me a s~~~ ton of heartache.
Anonymous3You are definitely accepted & welcome here. Now that you have physically distanced yourself start the process of only taking care of yourself.
I only do things in my own best interests, that does not mean I am a selfish, ego driven man. I am a man who goes his own way & takes care of himself.
Stick with the winners.
Stick with MGTOWFirst off… I need to stop drinking.
Gee, you think?
Lost Boy, Idiot, or Madman? Nah. How about worthless stinking drunk who has destroyed everything he’s touched?
The world is a worse place with you in it.
That story you shared is absolutely mind-boggling. Not only did you knock up worthless stinking drunk and then convince her not to abort because you don’t “believe” in abortion, after several years of horrors involving her, her drinking, you, your drinking, and the innocent child you both were torturing – plus a crippled motorcyclist – you went right out and knocked up another drunk and had another child only to see that “relationship” implode too.
I don’t care what happens to you or the filth you impregnated, but those two children? They never asked to placed in the care such reprehensible people. They’re f~~~ed for life because of you.
And where are you now? Hiding in Europe several thousand miles away from all the s~~~ you’re responsible for.
As a tax payer I’d like to thank you for all the burdens you, your idiocy, and your deliberate dysfunction have imposed on society as a whole.
There’s a recent thread here about some Florida millionaire caught in the divorce from hell. Despite being caught in a seemingly endless cycle of motions, accusations, and court appearances fighting his ex-wife over alimony, he shows up at one hearing with his new fiance – a divorced mother of two.
Even he isn’t a stupid as you.
Maybe I can help someone with my experiences.
Help someone? Score a laugh point. You can’t even help yourself.
Do not date. Do not impregnate. Do not co-habitate. Above all, do not marry. Reclaim and never again surrender your personal sovereignty.
You like banging chicks without rubbers and you’re against abortion? That’s a recipe for disaster if ever i heard it.
Yeh it’s not been all sunshine and rainbows that’s for sure. I open the intro saying so… I’ve made some really stupid decisions drunk. I should probably stop drinking. But that’s been a harder relationship to walk away from.
And I just want to clarify. I am not against abortion at large. Everyone has their own prerogatives and decisions. I’m just against it in my own life. Although some might say it would have saved me a s~~~ ton of heartache.
Don’t be afraid to speak your mind. For instance, I am against abortion completely. I feel it is horrible. Be honest, and do not sweat that not everyone agrees. Guys can disagree and get along.
I used to drink heavy. I would clean out any liquor cabinet that I saw. Now, I rarely even think about having a drink. It takes time. Keep the mindset always, and it is a lot less difficult. I would say easier, but there is nothing easy about it.
Lost Boy, Idiot, or Madman? Nah. How about worthless stinking drunk who has destroyed everything he’s touched?
The world is a worse place with you in itSome tough love from Old Bill. He speaks the truth and it is hard to hear. I hope you can get some help for your addiction and reclaim your life back at home. Hiding from your problems only makes them worse.
Your intro is a hard read, but welcome.
First off… I need to stop drinking.
Gee, you think?
Lost Boy, Idiot, or Madman? Nah. How about worthless stinking drunk who has destroyed everything he’s touched?
The world is a worse place with you in it.
That story you shared is absolutely mind-boggling. Not only did you knock up worthless stinking drunk and then convince her not to abort because you don’t “believe” in abortion, after several years of horrors involving her, her drinking, you, your drinking, and the innocent child you both were torturing – plus a crippled motorcyclist – you went right out and knocked up another drunk and had another child only to see that “relationship” implode too.
I don’t care what happens to you or the filth you impregnated, but those two children? They never asked to placed in the care such reprehensible people. They’re f~~~ed for life because of you.
And where are you now? Hiding in Europe several thousand miles away from all the s~~~ you’re responsible for.
As a tax payer I’d like to thank you for all the burdens you, your idiocy, and your deliberate dysfunction have imposed on society as a whole.
There’s a recent thread here about some Florida millionaire caught in the divorce from hell. Despite being caught in a seemingly endless cycle of motions, accusations, and court appearances fighting his ex-wife over alimony, he shows up at one hearing with his new fiance – a divorced mother of two.
Even he isn’t a stupid as you.
Maybe I can help someone with my experiences.
Help someone? Score a laugh point. You can’t even help yourself.
Easy to judge, but tougher to live. I see a guy picking the pieces back up and doing the right thing. He is first getting his life straight, then he can do the next right thing in a better state of mind. What good would he do for his son inebriated and unemployed. You must first be able to stand before you can carry someone else, and he is getting back on his feet. If he leaves it there for good, then sure…
I’m not sure who I am anymore
A profound scene from a movie that made a lasting impression.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.First off… I need to stop drinking.
Gee, you think?
Lost Boy, Idiot, or Madman? Nah. How about worthless stinking drunk who has destroyed everything he’s touched?
The world is a worse place with you in it.
As harsh as the words are. I appreciate your honest response. I feel similarly. I have a lot of guilt over it and a lot of self loathing. I’m not happy to be the low bar you can scoff at. This wasn’t what I told my kindergarten teacher I wanted to be when I grew up. No I can’t help myself. But I was honest with what I shared and told my truth. Slowly I’m trying to sift through the s~~~.
I should have added that I send monthly support home to the kids. I have since the second month I’ve been gone. So you won’t guilt me on that taxpayer line. I also should have added where I became a stinking drunk. In the US Army infantry. On those same tax payer dollars I joined the worlds greatest frat and became a terrible alcoholic.
I’m not a sole case. I have a list of brothers in arms who are going through the same crap. Same s~~~ty choices. Same s~~~ty women. Same children (some even have more) Same broken homes.
I admit. I am a problem. I’m not here on the forums to hide from that fact. I’m here to ask… what do I do now?
Anonymous43oldbill is the voice of reason here. you do not need a safe space, you need a stern talking too, but it is years too late. go get snipped. today. take yerself out of the breeding pool. you have demonstrated to the whole f~~~ing world that you can not handle the basic responsibility of maintaining yourself properly, let alone minor children.
stop drinking. stop f~~~ing. get snipped. this is your mission this week. get those three things done, and then come back.
stop drinking, stay the f~~~ away from women.
you gave the world 2 children with 2 different women. with out a father. good job dude. honestly, id say stay away from your children as well.
what a disaster.
clean up your life, stay away from women, and your kids.I am sorry this is not the welcome bro the beer is in the fridge you were looking for or thought you were entitled to.. this is the part of MGTOW where ya decide to stop being a f~~~ up, and regain sovereignty in your life.
Anonymous3Old Bill gave you a wake up call. Sometimes a good swift kick in the ass is what is needed to jump start a recovery from your very obvious alcohol fueled life.
But your here & the process can start today. MGTOW is a path to freedom & as all ready been said ” the peace is worth it ” I would add nothing can compare to the peace & satisfaction that comes from a life based on your own sovereignty. I live off my last best decision. Your best thinking brought you here. ( Good stuff Old Bill, a little harsh but somebody had to do it)I was not infantry, but a very similar road. I worked my ass off as my first distraction from the combat memories. After my daughter was born, my ex pulled this s~~~ to get money. I fought her for 12 months and won, but in that time, my daughter became ill due to my ex’es actions. My daughter passed two months later. That was when I stopped seeing anything but the bottom of a bottle. You still have your son and daughter, so you have no excuse to give up. The first step is recover emotionally and kick the booze.
I’m here to ask… what do I do now?
You already know the answer to that. You knew it before you posted this thread.
You knew it already.
- AuthorPosts
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
921526
921524
919244
916783
915526
915524
915354
915129
914037
909862
908811
908810
908500
908465
908464
908300
907963
907895
907477
902002
901301
901106
901105
901104
901024
901017
900393
900392
900391
900390
899038
898980
896844
896798
896797
895983
895850
895848
893740
893036
891671
891670
891336
891017
890865
889894
889741
889058
888157
887960
887768
886321
886306
885519
884948
883951
881340
881339
880491
878671
878351
877678
