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This topic contains 231 replies, has 51 voices, and was last updated by 
Russky 3 years, 3 months ago.
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I have litterally been there twice.
As my expensive criminal defense attorney charged me 8000 dollars to tell me that once accusations like this start they always get worse. He advised me to never let her near my place, get a restraining order ASAP just to show symmetry in her aggression.
As I can tell from your posts you know this relationship is dead.
She he may block access to the kids for a while but when she soon needs a baby sitter so she can get back on the c~~~ carousel
#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.
H.R. Pufnstuf’s right. Believe it or not, she won’t care about time with the kids, all she’ll care about is time for f~~~ing her boyfriend. This’ll be your golden opportunity to spend as much time as is humanly possible with your kids, and get a logbook and log every minute of it. A professional logbook turned in to the judge will help make your case for max custody. They like that sort of stuff. You can probably get an accountant or truckdriver or pilot type logbook for not that much cash. Fill it in religiously and neatly, with different pens and maybe notes on the occassion to drive into the courts mind that you are legit vs she f~~~s her boyfriend a lot. [where’s her logbook? none exists-she doesn’t care, period.]
IMO, Every time she lies, you point out the truth to the kids in as few words as possible. You speak factual truth to them. I know I’m out on a limb here, but what you don’t want to do is spend years a hoping and a hoping they’ll figure it out. For what it’s worth, the less I spoke, the better, however, I did not let lies go into my kid’s head without vocalizing the truth to him. Also, you can’t say, mom’s a bitch or a c~~~, they’ll figure it out from the facts otherwise they will get brainwashed by the witch. I’m sorry this all sounds so negative, you’re getting rid of a s~~~ and things get that way.
“Churchill was in the lavatory in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said: Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak to you. After a pause Churchill replied: Tell His Lordship: I’m sealed on The Privy and can only deal with one s~~~ at a time”"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Everybody on here has been given fantastic advice! Thank you all, I’m glad I found this place!
Just a quick update now that I have been given a message that she wants me to see the kids everyday so I can help. She also wants me to do the shopping. (Remember she accused me of being violent towards her but wants me to see the kids everyday and and do the shopping)
Rest assured I won’t do the shopping and I’m also not able to see the kids every day simply because I work and I now live at a bail address in a different town. Plus I’m planning to go away a few times to see friends and family I haven’t seen in a long time whilst under her control. (I’m talking years of pretty much isolation)
This however is clearly another attempt to make me feel guilty and look like a bad father who doesn’t want to see his kids everyday.
Sorry to hear about this bro. I’m not sure what I can offer that hasn’t already been said in the great posts above, but I might suggest you follow the one about giving her the impression that you want to work on things and keep communication as friendly as possible. Suggest that at least while the charges are pending and until that whole situation is completely resolved that you keep separate residences “to give you both a chance to have some breathing room and time to sort things out, etc etc.”
Do see the kids every day if at all possible, even if it’s just to stop by and kiss them goodnight and read a bedtime story. LOG IT in the log book mentioned above. Quick trips for dinner and/or ice cream are always good too. The amount of time you’re spending with them doesn’t matter nearly as much as THAT your spending some time with them regularly. That goes for both them and for the courts.
"Data, I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." --Captain Picard,
I feel your pain bro.
Having been through a lot of similar b.s and a long stint in jail thanks to a psychotic manipulative ex there is a few things I would have done differently and wish there was someone to give me the right advice back then. My ex actually got arrested for vandalism/assault and all sorts but me being the idiot back then give her another chance and didn’t cooperate with the Police, which didnt humble her but empowered/encouraged her bs even more.
What I have applied myself as far as possible is what I would call ‘taking away all the weapons’ that a partner or ex is using. You are definitely doing the right thing imo by standing your ground and not agreeing to do shopping and see your kids every day. The best thing to do with someone who is controlling (especially when you are in the right & them in the wrong) is disengage, act like you dont give a f*** even though deep down you do and tell them its your way or the highway, not theirs.
Perhaps you could tell her that she needs to put it in writing to the Police that she was lying to the Police about the assault or else you are gone and you will see your kids when they are older and it will all backfire in her face then and be her fault. Using reverse psychology has helped me a lot and when the manipulator realises you’re not playing their game anymore, you’ve won as you are in control not them.
I don't need pussy
Anonymous42@Robot112, I wish I could lend you my freedom and positive position. I don’t like to recommend divorce, but in your case (from my position) I still won’t recommend divorce, can you take her to Mars and leave her there? Your wife is a classic narcissist, I’d divorce her in a New York shuck’n’jive minute!
I’m going to go watch a movie, at the same time I’m going to be grateful to my own personal god that I’m not in your predicament, I’m not joking, you’re in a sticky mess that will NEVER end! The best you’ll get from her is suspended rejection, that’s no way to enjoy “YOUR” life! Narcissists can only be cured by total deprivation, endless deprivation, and absolute deprivation. She needs to feel the damage she has caused, simply by the destruction of her own marriage. You will never be happy or fulfilled as a human being when trying to reciprocate with a narcissist. I recommend identifying every narcissist in your life and slating them for immediate, or eventual removal. It worked out very well for me, the caliper and quality of my friends are much greater than before the time I took my own advise…. @Robot, It really pays off to understand the character defects in others, and that these flaws are not our personal responsibilities. Bearing the unnecessary emotional burdens of a narcissistic woman is tantamount to spending your life in prison. Good luck, we’re only here to spread the joy, and release the misery! I hope you reconnect to your joy of living, and guard it with your life. Hang in there brother, we’re here to diligently serve…..
Mate, I hope you get through this. I really do. Walk away, never look back at how she was or believe for a second that shes willing to change to get you back.
As the fine gents here have already said a few times, document everything. Seriously. Doing that is how I contain my own ex from being a monstrosity like yours is being. She knows I’ve documented everything and she knows that if she ever takes me to the legal system, I’ll either have her on the ropes or drag the fight out long enough that she just runs out of money for it.
Lastly, one disheartening piece of advice but hopefully it helps you prepare. She WILL use your kids against you. Firstly she’ll try and use them to control you. ‘Do this for the kids’, ‘Do that for em’, ‘Do you really wanna do that? What about the kids?’ and if that doesnt work, she will turn them against you in one last act of petty vengeance for you rejecting her. Take steps, my friend, do everything you can to counteract that."If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run,"
You are at the beginning of a very long process. You will have some highs and many deep low points. Right now is a high point and you are drawing strength from it. Good. Etch this feeling in your memory.
But the valleys will come and you will be severely tempted many times to compromise, give in, accommodate the lies, think things could work again, etc. When that happens you MUST immediately come here for encouragement and clarity.
Make a commitment to yourself to check in here at least once a day no matter what. The brotherly concern and love you are receiving here is of a far better quality than what your soon to be ex-wife gave you. Try to find other MGTOWish men that you can meet up with regularly.
Tonight draw up a rough plan for your path to better physical and mental health, to fully developing your capabilities, and a new life. Then flesh it out over the next few weeks and dedicate yourself working it to completion. Do this for yourself, but also as an example for your kids.
They will experience some hell for a while, but I can tell you from personal experience that in the long run it will be MUCH better for them that you divorced and got yourself healthy. Their mother’s insanity will eventually turn them back to you if you stay steady, true, and strong, and they will need that.
All of this I believe you can do, but it is up to you.
It is for very good reasons the Devil chose to tempt Eve not Adam...
Actually, a Psychologist told me that Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a diagnosis is almost incurable. How can you see your “problems”, address them, and “grow” when you are convinced of how special you are, that everyone should know/meet your needs, and when interpersonal issues arise it surely has to be the fault of the other person. Her personal experience with many clients was that no amount of counselling or reasoning can put much of a dent in this.
The only thing you can do with people like this is to get away and stay away. After knowing this, if you don’t and get hurt or burned, you share the blame.
It is for very good reasons the Devil chose to tempt Eve not Adam...
Keep all records including text, email, etc. Write all events as they go and get a recorder to record all events. You can use those texts against her during trial. Good luck mate you’re going to need it. If feel need to vent we are here for you.
This is critical. She is a liar and a manipulator. You need to protect yourself.
As some here have alluded to, one of the most risky period for committing suicide is having the type of trouble your in. Get a lawyer first then get a psychologist or some adult, on your side that can help you.
Divorce 50 years ago was punitive. Now with no fault divorce only men are deserving of punishment.
Its emotional torture and will come from all sides, yours and hers.
You are now entering their torture room. You’re kids are next. Your ex will laugh because everybody jumps to her clap.
#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.
If you can pick up the kids and drop off the kids you will have more time with them and more time in your favor to log to the judge.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” is an excellent start because there are things you can and can’t change.
Keep a notepad and pen close by your bed so when you wake up during the night and anything at all is bothering you, you can write it down. This will help you find solutions in the morning and allow you to go back to sleep at night.
A buddy of mine was told to write down what dream he’d awakened from in detail. He’d tell how the next day it would provide clues and insights into the things his mind was wrestling with.
Maybe get a pet dog ferret rabbit. When you wake up, it’s a diversion, it depends on you, and it’s something new and your kids will probably love it.
I was warned multiple times that no good deed goes unpunished So Absolutely do not allow the witch that put you behind bars to “tell” you anything.
You are your own man now. She will not repay any favors. Expend/invest your energy wisely. Consider verbal tools such as, “I’ll get back to you on that” “I’ll need to think that one over” “By all means, but please do put your request in writing(said to her).”
King Solomon really had his stuff together in Proverbs. Many of his sayings and riddles perfectly fit into what you’re going through. Also, “The Lord is my shepard …” will strengthen you. You can lean on it a lot.
Stay in touch with us. Ask us Questions. Don’t immediately answer most any of her Questions. Women USE questions as a tool of manipulation. Have your “radar on” regarding this. Pretend she were non existant and… what would you do with your kids- go where-do what-eat where-etc–All You.
Remember…”Just out of jail” is a huge negative event that she caused. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it So don’t even try to shoulder all reponsibilty regarding that, but …jail… No that’s a whole different thing….100% HER!
Keep, “moving” cleaning, calling, doing, when resting and not asleep, watch a DVD or YouTube, read a book, etc. You want to avoid time where you’re not really working on something. Usually solutions seem to present themselves while working on something vs it seems negative thoughts try to creep in if you’re not kind of busy. Do stuff to beyond exhaustion and then sleep til you’re well rested. Maybe tune up one of those ten hours of rain or ocean beach sounds on youtube, and have it playing while you sleep. Sometimes the drone of a fan also helps.
For what it’s worth, Some guys will immediately get rid of all their weapons. Doesn’t have to be permanent, leave them with your brother or a good friend so that you aren’t tempted to do something to a possible boyfriend’s kneecaps, and feet, and toes, and privates, and hands and elbows….anyway you cansee why yours truly got rid of his. (puts a whole new light on the Sesame street “head and shoulders knees and toes song.”) Always remember you can’t help your kids from behind bars. A private investigator told me that and it really made a difference.
If you can afford one through work etc, get a therapist. MALE ONLY (repeat MALE ONLY). There are good ones with PhD’s in clinical psychology and there are terrible ones(totally full of crap), so be careful choosing one. I’ never believed in them.. never, but won’t forget, “this is the last day with him” – – he made a world of difference.
“Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.”
Stay in touch with your friends acquintances siblings etc…but be careful as sometimes they are well meaning but not very knowing. Also you are free to do this with ANY advice. You’re calling the shots.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Don’t contact her by any means!!! I made that mistake and was lucky not to receive a custodial sentence (Australia). The Bain of my existence also claimed I assaulted her and I was put on an apprehended violence order, she continually texted me for months, one night while drunk I answered a message from her, telling her to f@€# off and leave me alone, she deleted her texts off the phone and took my message to police who charged me with breaking the AVO by contacting her. I then moved 1500 km away to get away from her, then one night I get home from fishing to find her on my doorstep, a mate slipped up telling his missus where I was and she in turn relayed the information to the spawn of hell that is my ex. As I approached my doorstep she said I want you back, your mine and you know it, I replied ” I’d slit my own throat before I’d get back with you. She then smashed a bottle over my head and proceeded to wreck my property. I finally got her away from myself and my property, when the police arrived, as soon as she seen them she started crying saying “he hit me and hit me” “he assaulted me”. The police proceeded to handcuff me even though I protested my innocence. Then a neighbour walked down the drive shouting to the police, why are you locking him up for he didn’t do anything. He then told the police what had happen and stated he was willing to go to court as a witness, the police un-handcuffed me listened then to my side of the story, even though I was assaulted and she lied, she was not charged for any of it. If it wasn’t for my neighbour I would be sitting in prison an innocent man who was the victim of assault not the perpetrator. So my advice is walk away like my ex she lied once she will again to further complete her agenda. Good luck
There are plenty of good advices from the guys. One advice I can give, that works for me in tough situations, is to have a photo of a tiger(lion, etc.) looking at you in many places at your house also including your cell phone. Whenever you feel down, defeated or depressed, look at this photo and think “I am the tiger, I will win”. Might sound stupid, but as I said, works for me. Fuel, control and use your rage as a motivation and courage.
Welcome Robot,
There is much very good advice in the posts above. If you can learn from the experiences of these others who’ve been through your situation, you can benefit greatly from their hindsight, and the fog you describe will become easier to navigate. Having been targeted for what you are experiencing now, by someone very similar to the person presently targeting you, and having just narrowly escaped the experience you are now enduring, I can relay the following:
What you care about most here are you children. Under the circumstances, the best that you can presently do for them is to take very good care of yourself. One parent is enormously pathologic, and probably beyond recovery. The remaining parent is not valued by the state, the courts, or most of the rest of society. You have to take care of that person. You have to take care of you in order for your kids to have at least one sane, healthy parent. Re-read the advice above on sleep, exercise and nutrition. I’m a medical doctor and would recommend this anyway for your own benefit. But for your kids, it’s a much more important priority.
The other thing you should re-read until you believe it better than you do now is what KM pointed out to you about her wanting you back. What she wants back is her punching bag. If you volunteer to be that punching bag, all the sleep, exercise and nutrition in the world won’t be of any benefit to your children. Your soon to be ex can destroy sanity faster than you can build it.
The first step in navigating the fog is to realize that there are two women in your story. One of them is a person who is your life partner, the mother of your children and someone who is worthy of all the forgiveness and trust you are tempted to offer. THAT WOMAN EXISTS ONLY IN YOUR HEAD! For very legitimate reasons, you want very much to have a relationship with that woman. And if she existed outside your head, I would advise you to make whatever sacrifices were necessary to preserve that relationship with her for the benefit of both of you and for your kids. Somewhere inside your own head, you know how important those benefits are, and how detrimental to your lives it will be to have those benefits disappear. Your reasons for wanting to preserve those benefits of an intact family are very legitimate reasons. But the enormously painful truth is that those benefits have already disappeared, and are no longer available at any price. Don’t shy away from that truth. It hurts, but it will not kill you.
Those benefits have been eliminated by the second woman in your story. This person is a tyrannical, tantrum throwing child masquerading as an adult and wielding power recklessly bestowed on her by the state that NO CHILD should ever have. She could not be more toxic. While some may advise that you forgive her (someday) just because carrying resentment for what she’s done forever is unhealthy for you, most would also advise that forgiveness for an offense does not come, and should not be expected, while that offense is still occurring. And while Christians would say that forgiveness is a virtue exemplified by God, even God requires some measure of authentic remorse first. Any remorse from her that you may currently see is only a regret over the loss of her punching bag, not for any loss or damage to you.
Once you can distinguish between the woman in your head, and the woman you are now engaged in a hostile socially, emotionally and legally abusive relationship with, you can reliably navigate the small day to day decisions you have to make. As you begin to distinguish the difference between these two women, the next thing to distinguish is the difference between forgiveness and trust. You may (someday) get far enough past this to forgive her for what she’s done to you and to you children. But trust is MANY years down the road beyond that day. It is so MANY years of trustworthy behavior beyond that day that it is not even worthy of discussion at this point. She forfeited ANY trust privileges when she lied to the police. Trust is dead here. Minimum resuscitation time would be 5 to 10 years, assuming an unbroken chain of trustworthy behavior that has presently not even begun.
In the short term, here are some landmarks to help you navigate:
Keep every message she sends, but do not respond to any of them. They will fluctuate between themes of denial, bargaining/baiting and rage.
Download a voice memo app to your cell phone. Plan to use it to record any conversation you ever have with her for the next 3-5 years. No exceptions.
Do not answer them or otherwise violate the rules of any bail agreement. No exceptions here either.
Do not allow yourself to be in a room with her alone for at least 5 years. If you have to enter a room with her to hand off children, make it a bank, casino, race track or airport (security cameras record everything that happens). If you need a witness, or a restraining order, get them!
You can either:
1) estimate the risk of her perfectly, and take a perfectly matched set of precautions…
2) Underestimate the risk of her in your life, and take inadequate precautions to protect yourself, in which case she will do an ENORMOUSLY greater amount of damage than she already has… (you’ve done this once already and landed in jail for it)
3) Get and stay as far from her as you can emotionally and geographically and take what you believe are every possible precaution that you possibly can until you KNOW you are over reacting to whatever the risk is, and over protecting yourself from what she might do next.
From the options above, it is impossible to be perfect, so #1 is unrealistic. #2 is bad for obvious reasons. Therefore, the most valuable thing you can do for you children is #3 because this is the only option that best assures them that they will have access to even one sane parent. If you will protect yourself and your own sanity, one sane parent may very well be enough. If you do this, you will at least have allowed them to see what sanity looks like. But if you let your soon to be ex ruin your sanity, it will not make her any more sane. It will just eliminate from your children even the chance to see and mimic one sane person…
What your kids need most is an example of one sane parent. Focus on that, extricate yourself from this clearly pathologic, insane relationship and BE THAT PARENT!
Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you
All of the brothers are standing behind your back. But this is your fight. You have our support and advice, use them and fight.
Guys the advice here is incredible. It gives me mental energy.I am so very thankful. I have a weekend ahead of me which scares me. And I have began to feel sorry for her at times and it helps to know that the person I am sorry for only exists in my head. I feel like the “freedom” I have now isn’t right, I shouldn’t have “freedom”. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for too long (20+ years) and to tell you the truth, I’m worried that I am addicted to this behaviour/situation. I am seeing a therapist next week. I will never go back to her.
Buddy, you just made my morning by checking back in again. Like your new avatar too.
The pity you feel is a conditioned response, as well as the guilt for your freedom. They are not logical given the facts of the situation so treat them like the dangerous emotions that they are. Dismiss them from the life of the reborn you that is growing.
Every time the old habits/feelings/thoughts start come right back here and read through the seasoned advice of men who have walked your path. Maybe even print some out and carry it with you.
The battle has just begun. And you will grow weary and be tempted to go back to the “safety” and “familiarity” and “it’s easier” of what was before. However, you are beginning to realize that person was not really you. Do you want to live someone else’s life until you die?
It is for very good reasons the Devil chose to tempt Eve not Adam...
All power to you man.
I’v read the thread and You know what’s best for you, what to do and you need to proceed to do it.
Guys posted good advise here.
If therapist will feed you any bulls~~~, remember that we are here from all over the world behind your back. Im sure you can contact Messenger, as KM advised.
I wish you all the best man.
PS. every time I read heartbreaking story like this, I remember money-whore’s Sandman’s words, that we are Cowards for not wishing to get stuck in such position.… yeh right.-----------
She tried to make me come home now, in the middle of the day, to watch the youngest one (3) so she can go to police to retract her story. I did not respond. I’m going to see him tonight after work.
Then she says to the third party that the youngest kid is not taking it well and I need to come home. I have to constantly remind myself that anything from her is not real, it’s lies and she knows how easy I feel guilty.
She’s telling everyone that she only wanted Police to caution me not have me arrested. She’s also impacting the other children by apparently crying all day.
By the way I have saved over 11,000 abusive text messages from her from the last three years. That should help if I need it?
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