I need tough (platonic) love, my friends…

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

I was 15 when my bio-dad killed himself during his 3rd divorce. He was a truck mechanic, loved engines like you wouldn’t believe. She pushed him into an office. Bigger house, big screen tvs before they were dime a dozen, leather furniture, all while she worked part time at Kmart (mostly to keep up with her perscription pill habits) My dad was SEVERELY hurt in horrible ways throughout his childhood by people so sadistic…She left him for a co-worker. For two weeks I lived alone with my dad while he spiraled into darkness. I had to unload guns. I was never so hurt and alone. She took my Trans-Am he was fixing for when I hit 16, our phones, computer, the food out of the forking fridge. I spent days subsiding on coffee and trying to sneak food from my only friend because I was to ashamed to ask. Eventually I broke and had to go home to my mom. I was in colorado, she in michigan. I left him alone, even though I got him to promise to come live in mich with me because his mom was there and they had an okay relationship. He was missing for a week before the police found him. Alone in a ford pickup truck, sleeping pills and hose from exhaust to cab. A dirt back road, facing the mountains he loved. She immediately blamed me. I got nothing. The back of the box the razor came in had to teach me how to shave. Every car I tried to own broke down within 9 months or less. Over the next ten years, two of my fathers brothers would also take their lives over the end of long term marriages. Truth is, all those boys were abused. My remaining uncles on his are suicidal, some are drug addicted, others alcoholics. My Aunt on that side is a gold digging rat. My blood feels like poison in my veins.

I met her at 18, took her to prom, married her at 24, worked her through college, helped with all the estates when her grandma and mom passed away (grandma naturally, mom not so) Had a kid almost two years ago. My income became so overshadowed that it only made sense that I stay home and cook, clean and child care. And I did so proudly and meticulously. Now I stand accused of something that I didn’t do, and it all stems from a girlfriend of hers we knew in Grand rapids about 6 years ago. Long ago and far away, I can’t prove anything, but neither can she. Her ring is off and new boys and piling around her.

Now I suffer from crippling indecision and regret. My heart is growing so hard against people that im feeling a little more dead every passing day. I feel like every choice i’ve made has doomed me and have become seized by fear of further failure. Im 32 and staring UP at hell.

Im so tired guys. The whole story is sooooo much worse, but I don’t want to post a novel.

Thank you sincerely for hearing me.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[BikermanParticipant 57]

This story is either heartbreakingly terrible, or too terrible to be actually true.

I’m pretty new, so I am not passing any judgement either way, and if it IS genuine then you need lots of warmth, sympathy and, more importantly, good advice and direction.

I’ll be happy to offer what I can but, for the moment, please don’t be angered or feel put upon or rejected, as I wait until more senior and experienced members read and comment on this before I dive in.

A provisional welcome from me and more later.

[Anonymous 0]

Consider a divorce, if you haven’t already. If she’s the main wage earner, there’s even a decent chance that she’ll have to pay you some alimony, at least till you get back on your feet.

Start with my second post (#379218) in the following thread. It talks about the difference between hostile divorces and amicable divorces. [Links are f~~~ed up, and I can’t link the specific post. I can only link the thread. You’ll have to go look for the post buried somewhere in that thread.]

Taking the Red Pill

Then read my post (#377237) in the following thread. It has some reading suggestions for getting your life and self-esteem back in order. [Again, hunt for the post in the thread.]

Wanna hear a story? Single mommy, and years of hell

Anyway, buck up. You made some bad calls, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy. Read the books I mentioned in that second link, and you’ll learn how to make better calls.

[MeisterParticipant 2093]

Tough love:

Normal people don’t kill themselves. Ever!

Sounds like you got psychological illnesses running in your family.

F~~~ that c~~~ you married if she believes some friend more than her own husband.

Get a divorce.
Sue her for allimony.

Lift some weights.
Eat some steak.
Smoke a cigar.

Freedom awaits!!

Monk

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

Mr.NeverAgain wrote:

Now I stand accused of something that I didn’t do, and it all stems from a girlfriend of hers we knew in Grand rapids about 6 years ago. Long ago and far away, I can’t prove anything, but neither can she. Her ring is off and new boys and piling around her.

Difficult to provide detailed advice [tough love] with a vague problem. I understand if you’re unwilling/unable to give details. Know that God loves you unconditionally and we, here, will support you with all we have to give.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

I would just add that it’s time to be logical and not emotional. She already quit on you, so time to move on. Get the divorce before you get a job so she has to pay you. The last thing you want to do is write a check every month to a cheating woman, trust me on that one.

My guess is that you’ve put everyone else’s happiness above your own. Time for that to change. You have to take care of you. No one else is going to care about you more than you.

Eat well and get sleep. Try to find some time to exercise. It makes a big difference.

Go slow. Don’t do anything rash. If you get in a hurry, you’ll make compromises just to get out. Works great in the short run, but you will regret it in the long run.

Keep posting. We are here to help.

Order the good wine

[UntamedParticipant]

Mr.NeverAgain wrote:

Her ring is off and new boys and piling around her.

What more do you need to regain your autonomy? She obviously believes whatever it is you’re accused of and it seems your word means nothing to her.
I agree with TwoStep. Time to stand on your own and go your own way ’cause she sure is going hers.
Welcome to the Red-Pill world. You’re in the right place here!

Don't let them Blame, Shame or Tame you!
Give 'em NOTHING, not even an answer!
#GenderSegragationNow!

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

Hey bikerman, it all good, Im learning fast. I don’t expect to be believed %100 but when I said its much worse…It doesn’t matter. This is literally the first post from me on any forum ever, and I got six replies in hour or so. I don’t care as much about what is said, I just feel a bit stronger communicating with you(Not that I don’t value the advice). Im writing out plans and found a local gym for 20 a month, but I have to get a job first. The divorce is coming, but everything happened so fast and she’s handling this all like a cold calculating demon, and i’ve pretty much gone ghost.

Doesn’t help that I did the dumbest thing a guy could do and let her enrage me. Im already a big guy, not a hulk or anything but I chopped my fire wood with my axe, and worked jobs that were more labor oriented. Apt. Maint and the like. So when I snapped, it was her or the fridge that happened to be next to me. My dominant hand is banged up bad, and this all happened in front of my daughter.

I know what I sound like, and Its not just to garner anything. I have every intention of rebuilding, I just don’t have a lot of connections to offer me wisdom. I have 4 sisters, over 10 aunts and far too few adjusted men in my life.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

I was young and dumb and accepted a lot of responsibility for my old mans death. I left when he was drowning. He was my hero. He could build it, fix it, operate it. He was beginning to teach me how to wrench on cars, fire arm saftey and responsibility. Sometimes we would jump in his pickup and drive from colorado to some truck stop in wyoming for beef jerky and pepsi. After he was gone, I wouldn’t let myself be happy. Were did I ever get the idea that this pretty girl would open me up and become my happiness? Won’t make that mistake again.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[TaxGuyParticipant]

Mr.NeverAgain wrote:

So when I snapped, it was her or the fridge that happened to be next to me. My dominant hand is banged up bad, and this all happened in front of my daughter.

Logic over emotion. Don’t let it happen again. She wants you to do stuff like that. It makes you look like you will hurt her. I might add meditation to my list above. You will be well served to be able to take a step back from a situation you are in and see it for what it is. Mediation will help with that. Read a few books on Buddhism, it teaches you how to be mindful in the moment, almost detached from the situation.

Order the good wine

[BikermanParticipant 57]

Glad you didn’t take it wrong. When I first came to the boards there was a person just signing up who was definitely very dodgy indeed – the guys suspected it was a women from the off and dealt with it. I’ve drawn the lesson that a little care and caution is called for before extending the welcoming arms of friendship to any brothers who join, and being very much a newbie myself, I thought it wise to let some of the older forum dogs smell your crotch before officially welcoming you.

You seem to pass muster so a hearty welcome.

There is little I can add to what the chaps have already said (I’m a Brit, as you can probably tell from my exquisite use of the language – ROFL) 🙂
I’m a deal older than you but you shouldn’t be beating yourself up over choices and decisions made – that will gain you nothing, and i doubt there are many of us without a fair deal of past decisions for which we might wish for a Mulligan (do-over).

I would advise my own current approach for the moment – read, watch and listen to as many of the resources here as you can….absorb and let your world-view settle into some new realities slowly.

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

Ya, my direction on that one (meditation) is to find a church to join and see if I could get in on some group therapy or something like it. I need networking, but I would love to get a pastor or someone similar on my side to verify my progress in case it comes to that ( which it almost certainly will.)

But meditating in the meantime does sound good. Im just struggling to outlet my fear and anxiety. But I really need some cheap help with my anger and other issues. Its gonna be hard to get over so many years of estrogen-poisoning.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[BikermanParticipant 57]

No use to you there – I’m an pretty virulent anti-theist of old and have spent decades debating, arguing with, and frequently screaming at religious folks 🙂

But religion is good for providing the social networks of support that could certainly be helpful, and I’m not going to knock that.

Meditation is another matter and I would certainly encourage it. I use a light form of Zen meditation quite frequently. Nothing mystic or supernatural – simply thinking my way around my body and forcing the parts to relax as I become mindful of them, concentrating on a smooth breathing cycle – it is definitely to be recommended.

Have you tried meditation previously?

[Anonymous 0]

Mr.NeverAgain wrote:

Ya, my direction on that one (meditation) is to find a church to join and see if I could get in on some group therapy or something like it. I need networking, but I would love to get a pastor or someone similar on my side to verify my progress in case it comes to that ( which it almost certainly will.)

I was just about to write this same thing. If you suspect that your wife is going to raise your anger issues in the divorce proceedings (perhaps as part of the custody battle), then get into counseling as a way to head that off. It’ll show that you’re aware of the problem and doing something about it.

I would suggest a real psychological counselor of some kind rather than a pastor, because the courts would treat a psych counselor more seriously. Just get a male counselor if at all possible. Also, a counselor would give you a place to vent about your father’s suicide and all that and be able to provide some resources.

And if you see a divorce coming, then go see a lawyer pronto. Lots of prep work to be done, and you need someone on your side. Otherwise, you’ll start giving up important rights or ignore important challenges.

Surround yourself with pros (no pastors), and treat it as serious business. Because the results will affect your life for many years to come.

[BikermanParticipant 57]

I think TwoStep is giving sound advice here. I know about social services, but only in the UK (I’m a teacher and was a foster parent) so advice from someone who knows your own system is much to be preferred. In general, though, I concur. Professional counsellor is always to be preferred where it might come to court, judge or tribunal, and anger management is always going to look good because it shows that you are not only aware of the issue but actively addressing it.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

Mr.NeverAgain wrote:

But meditating in the meantime does sound good. Im just struggling to outlet my fear and anxiety. But I really need some cheap help with my anger and other issues. Its gonna be hard to get over so many years of estrogen-poisoning.

Reading this website is free. And so is a library card. I wish I could recommend a couple of Buddhist books for you, but I can’t think any one that stands out. What works for me is the idea that the past is the past, there is nothing you can do to change it. And the future isn’t guaranteed. The only real moment is the one you are in. The only two days of the week where you can’t accomplish anything is yesterday and tomorrow. And they spend a lot of time talking about be mindful of what you are doing. Those points are not religious, it’s about controlling your own mind.

Order the good wine

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

Heh, I actually had a good number of british clients when I was doing residential pest control, and I loved everyone of them. Great people. Im 50/50 brit/franc, my moms mom was born in france.

my ex-moved me around to suit her career ambitions so often that i got roots about as sound as moss. And don’t get me started on the conflict of loathing one woman (the ex) and lamenting another (the daughter). It’s disorienting. But im sure this place is thick with Veterans from that front.

Its just kinda funny how many axioms seems corny until they back hand you.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

Thanks 2017, Im hearing.

I’m a dyed in the wool atheist. I wouldn’t believe in ghosts if one came and took an ethereal dump on my face. The church option was fleshed out as a starting point because I really need to network and I’ve just been such a loner for so long. Hell, I’ve had a fleshlight for several years now. She had me get it when her little furry cell block went into lock down. And honestly, she got so disgusting after marriage I would find used cue tips in bed, under the blankets. So Im pretty much over sex. Just feels weird banging a fake-un in my moms arts and crafts room.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

[Anonymous 0]

Welcome home, MrNever
Beer is in the fridge. Sit down and learn.
You are one of us.

All good advice
My take:
Perhaps male acceptance, brotherhood, is what you are seeking. Consider buying a motorcycle and join a riding group. Lots of guys there. Most divorced. Not an outlaw biker gang.
If possible, can you put about 500 miles of highway between you and her. That way she will not know your business in the future.

[Mr.NeverAgainParticipant 146]

Truth be told I used to be into writing and recording rock music. I still got my old guitars/basses ect, I would just need some brushing up. But the male acceptance that you referred to, makes sense. Respectfully, there is not much of a chance i’ll be riding off on a bike. Used to ride quads and dirt bikes in Grand Rapids, but I want to try and salvage a relationship with my daughter if possible. Female or not, she deserves me full-filling my vows as a father to the best that circumstances will allow. Im just wishing like a hooker on a cold night that Im not throwing myself down a new rabbit hole of despair.

“I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise." The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain

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