7 Years…

Jon92 wrote:

Keymaster, you are absolutely correct.I don’t even know what the f~~~ Im doing or why anymore. For example tonight, I tried calling twice and she hit the voice mail button. All my I love you or I miss you texts get ignored, She will sometimes respond to my bulls~~~ chit chat texts I send her. She is a very busy woman but she was never ever too busy for me before. We are supposed to get together next friday but what will happen with that? friend zone? The reason I’m doing all of this was to try and make up for my neglect and to rekindle the relationship. So far it doesn’t seem to be working at all. My gut and heart burn with the truth. There has to be another guy in the mix because she was always willing and eager to work things out before even when things got nasty between us. She was a great woman but it was so hard trying to live with and parent a child that isn’t your own that isn’t the most down to earth kid in the world. Right now she’s down south as her father has cancer but Im up here in the north trying to lend support any way that I can. perhaps all the great treatment in the beginning was to suck me into a relationship. She was only divorced 2 years when I met her. It enthralled me that after being treated a certain way by other women this one thought I was the s~~~. Was it fake?

You’re on the right track now my friend and listen to KeyMaster – he gives some DAMN good advice. Now, HOLD ON to this mentality even when you start to feel weak (it will happen) – its worth it in the end to stand your ground, just let go and go your own way.

We all may give some “tough love” here, but we just want you to learn how to protect yourself. These women will ruin you if you let them and will get EXTREME satisfaction and pleasure from doing so (picture 100x greater than the most intense orgasm of their life). It’s sadistic and you can never turn your back on the truth.

She needs time is a deal breaking red flag bro. Time is the same thing as Space. It’s over. It’s very simple, her interest level is below 50%          http://ca.askmen.com/dating/doclove/she-needs-space-2.html

Is it time to move on? Yes. Is her interest level in the gutter? Yes. Does a woman sometimes need space even if she has high interest? Impossible — it’s an oxymoron. Where do you stand now? Out! Don’t fret over abandoning ship. Like my cousin General Love says, “The ship is already on the floor of the ocean.” And she is being formal. She said the word “space” . It’s over.

You can’t have faith in any woman, you have to have faith in yourself.

Hi John,
Welcome. I’ve done what you’ve done about 4 times over the course of the last 30 years. From your posts, I suspect this may be your first. I have 3 science degrees, one ex wife, no kids and a few dozen ex girlfriends. I’m getting old, I type slow and I don’t have the time or patience to sugar coat a damn thing for you. I’m writing that first so you know that what I’m about to write is not to make you feel any worse than you already do. It’s to make you see this more clearly than you already do.

I was reading down this thread and finding it more and more tedious and irritating. It was irritating because there was something I wanted to write, but I wanted to read through the whole thread first. About halfway down, Sidecar wrote it for me:

Did she do the best she could?

That was a relief for the short while it took me to get to the end of the thread, but now I’m even more irritated. Know why? Because you never answered that question!!!

You mentioned that she has a bratty ass kid with behavior problems. Everyone knows that bratty kids are a problem for a relationship. What was her best effort to address that obvious problem? Did she take that kid to counseling? Did you ever find any child psychology books laying around her house? Any books on being a better parent? She didn’t address that problem because that s~~~ is hard…

You wrote:
It was so f~~~ing hard being like 30 years old and walking into an instant family with a needy spoiled kid. I was into it though.

You mentioned that your grandparents died and your dad had a heart attack. Going thorough that s~~~ is hard. Tell us: did she show up for those funerals? Did she show up in the waiting room at the hospital? Did she send flowers? A Card? Did she so much as offer to cook for you even once while you were going through that? A hot dog maybe? How about f~~~ing table salt for a hot dog? This s~~~ is much easier than properly parenting a kid. But I bet she didn’t do much of this either, did she?

Saving the relationship would be pretty easy for her right now, because given where your head is, you’ll be happy for any scrap she throws you. But she isn’t doing that either is she?

I read through this thread and I saw that all our posts are about you, and focused on you. I read your posts and they are all about her. I’m kinda tired of hearing about her. I never heard of her before this morning and already I know more about her than I want to know. (I even know the answer to all those questions I just wrote). That’s not because you spent too much time writing about her (which you did). It’s because over the last 30 years, I’ve dated her a hundred times, had sex with her dozens of times, ‘fell in love’ with her 4 times, and married her once. I don’t really need to read anymore about her, because there’s not much you can write about her that I don’t already know. And, I know EXACTLY how she perceives you right now.

Let me explain it this way: I got a truck about 13 years ago that I really liked. It hauls my motorcycles, pulls my boat, carries lumber, hauls away trash, moves friends, transports passengers… gets me to and from work in any weather. It’s enormously useful. When I first got that truck, I washed and waxed and vacuumed it every week. I windex’d it and armor-all’d it all the time. I loved that truck. But after 13 years and 300,000 miles later, it isn’t really reliable to leave town in anymore. Still a good truck, but kinda used up. It’s not safe to take out of town since it is so likely to break down now.

In the interim, newer models have come along. Essentially the same truck, but a couple more bells and whistles, heated and cooled seats, back up camera etc. I didn’t even notice the new ones really, until I as at a dealer picking up parts for the old one, and happened to sit in a new one for a few minutes…

I got a new truck. Same model, just new. The old one isn’t worth much on trade in, so I kept it. It costs me nothing to keep around so I have two of them now. Both are useful, but I drive the new one more. I also wash and wax it all the time. It doesn’t do anything significantly more that the old didn’t do, but it’s newer and somehow I tell myself that it’s better. That’s my perception, and I decide accordingly when it’s time to reach for some keys. I don’t really think about how the old truck feels about this. (sound familiar yet?)

What would change my perception of the old truck? If I sold it off to someone who took the time to completely restore it: paint, drive train, interior etc and make it into a classic, one of a kind ‘new’ truck again. Then, my perception of it would change, and I might want to drive it again…at least until something better comes along.

Just about now, you’re expecting me to tell you that your ex has moved on to another truck. You are now kind of like the old truck – still potentially useful, but no longer her first choice. And maybe you think I might advise you to go somehow remake or restore yourself to be something that she’ll want as a first choice again… Maybe you’ll work out more, be more available to her, more reliable, be a better person for her, better step dad to the kid… And maybe you are already starting to think of ways to do those things, and to advertise to her that you’ve done them.

But, I’m not.

What I am going to do is to point out to you that I’ve just told you a story about a driver and two trucks, and ask you why it was so easy for me to get you to personally identify with the used up utility truck? No one here told you that. You just volunteered for it…

You are not the old truck here my young friend, you are the (slightly confused) driver. You are the one bringing resources to the relationship. She is the one requiring resources and maintenance to perform. You have been driving an unreliable, underperforming truck for many years now. It has never performed much better than any other truck, although in the beginning when it was new and shiny, you may have perceived that it did. Lately though, it is requiring a ton of time, effort, attention and maintenance, and it is no longer a reliable performer. Hell, let’s just say it: it was used, and almost used up when you found it…

Your assignment from me is to get your ass down to the lot and test drive at least two more new models with less mileage before posting here further. The new ones probably won’t be much different than the old one, but you will perceive that they are. Your perceptions will change. Her perception of you might change, but it might not. I very much want to read your posts after the test drive of the new model. But since I don’t have much interest in the perceptions of my old, used up trucks when they no longer perform for me, I don’t want to read any more of that stuff about her perceptions here… 😉

If you read enough of this site and others like it, you will discover and can tell us how you came to see yourself as one of the trucks, and not one of the drivers… That’s worth knowing, because it was no accident.

Think of your membership here as a driver’s license. You may never again choose to use it to drive another used up truck, but you should never again have this confusion about being one. 🙂

I’m out 😢

More s~~~ about her??? Really?

Look, you feel the way you do as a result of a belief that you have. People who feel scared believe they are at risk. People who feel guilty believe they have done something wrong. You believe you have lost something so you feel sad the way you do. You think you lost something that can’t be replaced. 3 billion women on this planet, but you believe the one you lost is somehow the diamond in the gravel pit. You believe she did you a some kind of favor and no other single mommies are going to do that for you…so you feel bad.

You believe this in isolation. That is, you believe this out of context of comparing her to other women you have ignored for all these years. I have been in relationships with other women while you have been in the relationship with this one. I know the one you have is no different. You won’t believe that, or feel any differently until you also have had relationships with other women. But you don’t want other women. You want THIS ONE, because this one is special! So, go and chase this one. then chase some more of them. Then fall in love a few more times, maybe marry one or two of them.

When you have had enough relationships with enough other women, you will eventually see that none of them worth the effort you are making, none of them will reciprocate fairly over the long term, none of them is any great loss, and at that point you will no longer lament the absence of any one of them. The decision you made about this one that results in you feeling this way, is the WRONG decision every time you make it. When you come to that realization, your life will be better. It may take some time and cost some money and involve a world of hurt, but eventually WOMEN WILL CURE YOU OF THIS BELEIF. Just continue giving them the opportunity to demonstrate it to you and you will inevitably come to this realization.

But until you come to that realization, you are going to be used and discarded like a high mileage utility truck. Some men can learn this lesson from the experience of other men, but some must learn it from their own. You seem to be someone who thinks if you can just do some certain specific thing, that relationships with women can be a positive thing for you… and you are here trying to figure out what that thing actually is.

Everyone here knows this is not true, except you. We learned from our experience. And you can learn from our experience as well, but it sounds like you need to learn this from your own experience. So, either change your belief system, or continue with it as hard as you can: Send her flowers. Buy her some jewelry. Hell, buy her a f~~~ing house.

See if that s~~~ helps.

I’m out.

this is a girl projecting herself:

Now a divorced single mom projecting herself:

and now, herself:

John, divorced single mom’s don’t put their best foot forward, they put a not maintainable fairytale forward. Believing her is like never getting out of the matrix, you’re Neo in his original room chewing a bowl of blue pills cereal.  You have a lot of withdrawal to go through. I am confident you will complete the task, the only question is at what price to yourself. Don’t listen to me. Listen and heed BrainPilot’s advice in order to get through this in the least damaging manner.