Trawling through the wreckage 18 months later

[MattKParticipant 15]

I don’t really know where to begin with what happened with my last girlfriend, only that it left my life in complete mess and 18 months on after she limply discarded me nothing still makes any sense and I need a little help sifting through the rubble and getting my life back.

I’m a sound engineer, specifically a monitor engineer, I do sound for the singer or band so they can hear themselves and stay in time and tune, it’s a very hard job with alot of pressure and responsibility, I was working on a tour with a well known “artist” from 2012, she thought I was cool and appreciated me so her minions started to notice me and her make up artist who I’d chatted to a couple of times took a shine to me, to be honest I thought she’d be quite a bit older than me and I never would’ve got involved with someone like her in a million years just because you know straight off the bat anyone working in fashion or that world is going to be a certain way. We had a night off in Paris one one tour in 2013 and I was walking back to the hotel with the make up artist who never came out with the scummy roadies and she’d just been there to see me, she told me her friends family were staying in her room and asked if she could stay with me, I said yes because I thought she was cute and I was drunk so whatever. Anyway we had a bit of a kiss and stuff and thats where it all began and the day I monumentally f~~~ed my life up.

The day after that I texted her and asked if she wanted to go for dinner, we had a nice night and ended up having full blown sex and were basically a couple from that point on. The only problem was she was moving from the UK to New York in a few months so I backed off a bit, she hated that and It got intense very quickly. Apparently she hadn’t been in a relationship for 6 years, something I now know is a lie, she told me she loved me within days, how could I let someone who felt that strongly about me leave? It was bollocks though, she was just scared of moving abroad on her own and saw me as someone who would protect her and someone who had their s~~~ together. I didn’t see that, I was blind to the reality of the whole thing. A couple of weeks after we got together I got offered a tour that would have seen me set for life, I turned it down to be with her and so it began.

It was win win for her, she hated being on tour so she got someone to hang out with and have sex with and kept her from being bored (seeing as she only works about 30 minutes a day) and it was good for me too at the start but then I couldn’t escape, I was expected to be there at her beck and call whenever she needed me. A few months later on the last show before she was going to move to New York we were in Chicago, I was very confused about what we were doing and went AWOL to avoid her, very grown up but I figured she’d get the message I wasn’t going to carry on as she was moving countries. She didn’t let me get away with that. She found me in the hotel and I’d got her a vitamix for a house warming/good luck/good bye present. She basically persuaded me to come with her and that was that. A 6 month tour romance and I was upping sticks and moving to New York from England, somewhere I never had any intention of moving, I was going to buy a house and live a quiet life but because I’d never been in a decent relationship I felt I had to, for her as well as myself and a few days later I was helping her move into an apartment in Brooklyn.

I’d never lived with a woman so at first it was great, I fell totally in love with her but it was hard, I moved back into my parents house in England and went back and forward to New York to be with her whenever I wasn’t away working. I decided to move there with her and started doing an 01 visa so I could live and work there. Thats when it started to get stressful and I realised what a huge undertaking this was. The visa itself cost about 10,000 dollars, so I was already resentful about that, we’d start arguing because I felt the relationship was one sided, it was me doing all the work, she just got someone to look after her for a few weeks at a time then I’d go home and work and she’d be needy and depressed so I was being pulled all over the place. I knew it wasn’t right but I loved her so I kept going, I thought it would be worth the sacrifice and that we’d be together forever.

About a year later we did the same tour again together. I’d had other offers but because we’d been doing long distance she wanted me there with her so I did it even though I hated that tour, I was treated terribly. A couple of days before the tour started they told me they couldn’t pay me what they’d promised. I was fuming, I told her about it and she just shrugged it off, didn’t care, I disappeared and went and got blind drunk, I knew I’d made a mess of things, her reaction to that told me she wasn’t right for me, she only cared about herself. It was too Late for me to go back to the other tours I’d been offered and I ended up doing it. I needed the money to move to New York. Massive mistake. We didn’t speak for a few days, I was livid at her but of course it was me who had the problem, not her for not supporting me or having my back, and I grovelled and begged and brought her a f~~~ing 1500 dollar purse to say sorry, I hated her but I also loved her and had already committed so much with the visa and the relationship I just had together on with it. That tour was f~~~ing horrible, the work was s~~~ and we were arguing all the time. A few weeks in her Nan died and I felt awful for her so I dropped all the resentment and was just there for her completely. This went on for awhile and it was exhausting. I felt like I had two jobs, one my actual job and the other looking after her. I got to the point eventually I had to leave the tour, it was killing me and we wouldn’t have survived if I’d stayed so I told her I needed to get my head down and focus on work for a couple of days then I was going to leave. Her response. “I will get my attention elsewhere then”. I was f~~~ing livid, I was in such a state I could barely function but I got on with it the best I could, the show came around and someone said something very stupid and I lost it and walked out during the first song and the show came to a stop. I told my ex I never wanted to see her again. So what did she do. Ran after me. I was due to move to New York for real with her in a few months she couldn’t be there on her own. I f~~~ing hated her. I really did. But I’m an idiot and we spent the week together at my parents house, it was never spoken about again and it was me that ended up in therapy because of my reactions, not her.

So a few months later I got the visa and moved there with her, I was desperately hoping it wouldnt have been approved so I could put an end to the whole thing to be honest. The day after we moved into our new apartment she went away for 2 weeks working for the same person I’d had to walk out of and humiliate myself doing and the rot set in. We had good times but most of the time I was there on my own and we’d argue every time she’d go away and come back. I’d sacrificed my own career to be out there with her, was doing s~~~ty work in the city and she was going all round the world and flying, 18 months later I was flat broke and we ended it and I moved back home to start my life again. Only what f~~~ing happened, 2 weeks later she changed her mind, she missed me, didn’t want it to end, I missed her too but I didn’t want to get back together unless she was going to move back, she wasn’t, but idiot here got back with her, she came back to visit the week after I’d had a trial at a place that offered me a job, it was somewhere she never would’ve wanted to live so I turned it down, we broke up again because it was too hard trying to think for 2 people again, I just needed to be working again. A few weeks later same thing happened, work started picking up, I was planning on moving to a little city in England and things were looking up, only she reappeared with the same crap about missing me and I fell for it. My goals changed every time she’d come back but I still loved her and because she’d started talking about moving back to England I thought f~~~ it, I’m going to make this work so I got a killer tour and started raking in money to move us to London. It would be better there, we had friends and family, it wasn’t as expensive. Sorted. Only it wasn’t. She moved back to London on her own and once she had her friends and family she had no need for me anymore and she gave me a weekend away with her as “a last chance”.

The weekend was dreadful, we stayed in a country hotel in Richmond and she couldn’t have made it more obvious that she didn’t give a s~~~ so I was resigned to my fate but at least I had work and could get my life back on track. We got drunk and next day had stinking hangovers. She called me an “awful person” for yawning. I just walked out and left her. The next day hugged her goodbye, nothing was said and I was on my way. Telling myself it was for the best and I had to get on with my life now.

Only what f~~~ing happened. 6 hours later she changed her f~~~ing mind again. Finally I had the b~~~~ to say no, I didn’t feel the same anymore, she was messing me around and that was it. But she hated that and wouldnt let it go. I said fine but I needed some space to get through work which was hard, she didn’t say anything but I made it clear I wasn’t done with her I just needed to do this without arguments or confusion. By the time I came around and asked her how she was a few days later her response, BY TEXT, after nearly 4 years together, was “I’ll talk to you when I get back. I’m busy with work too”, i.e it’s over. I didn’t know what the hell was going on anymore but presumed it was over and let her get on with it, a couple of weeks later I asked how she was and she couldn’t have made it more obvious she was done so I did what most blokes would do and got blind drunk and slept with the production assistant on the tour who’d said she’d liked me for years and used to stalk me, idiot that I am fell for this, I liked her too but she was fresh out of a 10 year relationship, she said I had to sort out things with my ex and get all my stuff back from America because she wouldnt have slept with me if she didn’t want to be together. I couldn’t believe my luck. So I got home a few weeks later, and the production assistant sacked me off, said it was too soon, I really was a mess by this point, I’d had a job lined up in London for when I got back I’d only got for when my ex and me were going to move to London and I walked out after 3 hours and went to the pub. Told my ex (who hadn’t even bothered to contact me when I’dgot back) I’d been an idiot and slept with someone and I was sorry, what the f~~~ for I don’t know but her response was (as usual) “well I was having second thoughts about ending it but not now”.

I moved back into my parents at 34, I went into an absolute spiral of drink and drugs, stupid really but only a few weeks later I thought I’d be moving to London with the love of my life, had work and money and it all went to s~~~. I blamed myself for everything and tried to commit suicide. I’d phoned my ex in tears saying how sorry I was and she just told me to go away, lied that she was on a date and told me she wanted to “explore meeting other people”, I took an ungodly amount of drugs and whisky and ended up in hospital. She of course turned up with my sister and sat there on her phone and left a few hours later, told me we couldn’t be in contact for awhile and I was fine with that, I had a chance.

I kept myself to myself, started doing therapy, got in the gym and knew what I had to do. A month later she got in touch, saying she missed me, I was f~~~ing confused, what did it mean, if it didn’t mean anything why would she say it, so we met up, I had a nervous breakdown when it was obvious I’d been used the whole time and walked out. Same happened a month later and we met up again, I was even worse this time and had tried to hang myself after she texted me when I got back, said she missed me that it was lovely to see me blah blah blah but it was just ticking boxes it didn’t mean anything. Then she went to Hawaii for work for a few weeks, I was convinced she was seeing someone, still do but she didn’t admit it, it was around this time I properly lost my mind, was put on anti psychotics, was so drugged up I couldn’t work, I was officially mental, was in and out of hospital, got sectioned, multiple suicide attempts, the thought of her being with someone else after all that effort and money and love just to be discarded by text killed me, she told me I needed to sort myself out, it’s only now I realise how bulls~~~ that was, I was in this mess because of her but I did. I got asked to do the biggest tour of last year and I f~~~ing smashed it, only I was doing it to prove to her I could be the person she first met, and 10 months after we’d last seen each other, after the most awful year I could imagine, begging, pleading, etc I finally got to see her and I fell in love with her all over again. Only meeting her was the worst thing I could’ve done, it brought about a breakdown even worse than the first one, all the money I’d made that year either went to pay off debt from living in America or on therapy that did nothing. I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses which rather than fight I brought in to, I was nothing to anyone anymore, was such a liability I’d never work again. 6 months after we me met that time now I see her for what she really is, she’s narcissistic, arrogant, entitled but I still love her, I still wake up at 3am every single day talking to her in my head. I’ve done some stupid things, really stupid, things I am ashamed of. I sent a pathetic letter to 200 people calling her a narcissist and that I was emotionally abused and that I was sorry for being such a mess. I started an instagram page when I was drunk with pictures of us together and some of the stupid things she’d said to me as the captions. I know I’ll never see or talk to her again, part of me is glad I finally exposed her to people for what she is and not the little timid sweetheart she makes herself out to be, part of me also hasn’t given up which is ridiculous, she’ll certainly never turn around and say sorry or admit her part in things or take responsibility, I was just a stop gap for her, I was used and I highly doubt I’ll ever trust another woman again which is why I found myself here. Still living at my parents at 35 and only 5 years ago had the world at my feet, was and still am one of the best around at my job but no one will touch me with a barge pole, meanwhile she didnt look back once, got on with her life, got her own flat, seeing other men and I can barely leave the house, nearly two years later. I have no enjoyment for anything apart from drinking, nothing stops me thinking about me, even took up motorbikes and it always comes back to the the anger, resentment and bitterness and what I did for someone who never loved me or cared and just used me.

HELP

[CarnageParticipant 22113]

Ohhh boy… you still have room for a marriage and a couple of kids in your tale.

Dude there is nothing to make sense of, women are crazy and drive you crazy, stay the f~~~ away from crazy.

Easy, right?

To those following me, be careful, I just farted. Men those beans are killers.

[It’sallbsParticipant]

The drinking is a viscious circle (alcohol is a depressant) and can become a problem very quickly, if you have an addiction to it start cutting it down gradually. Try halving it first if you start to get withdrawal symptons go to the DR and get some advice and some Librium if reccomended but don’t get addicted to that either.

Destroy any reminders of her -pictures that facebook thing you have done delete it and do it now.

Everytime you want to drink do something else even if it is just going for a brisk walk.

Keep your interest in bikes, plan out on paper how you are going to start your own business with your skills, read books, just pick something you haven’t done before at random and take classes in it …

Keep busy don’t wallow

http://www.leavemeansleave.eu

[Anonymous 42]

The morrow of your story is never FOLLOW A WOMAN! NOT ONE STEP! Take three never-agains and get plenty of mental relaxation!

[AwakenedParticipant 35201]

I didn’t read your whole story because IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER.

I’m NOT trying to sound Cold or Callous, but WHY are you trying to make sense out of ANY of it, or try and sift through the rubble ?

MattK wrote:

I don’t really know where to begin with what happened with my last girlfriend, only that it left my life in complete mess and 18 months on after she limply discarded me nothing still makes any sense and I need a little help sifting through the rubble and getting my life back.

Apparently, She moved on, and all you need to ask yourself is why are you stuck in all that s~~~, and not moved on YOURSELF for YOURSELF ?

HOPEFULLY, YOU got a taste of what YOU NEED TO AVOID, and just be damn grateful that you don’t have child support and/or alimony payments to boot.

You have a marketable career, You have No Kids, You have No Wives, No Divorces, and YOU HAVE YOUR FREEDOM !!!

Hang Around, READ A LOT, ASSIMILATE as MANY RED PILLS AS POSSIBLE DAILY, and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE !!!!!

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[MattKParticipant 15]

I suppose because I tried several times to “move on” and was always shut down until she decided she was ready to move on, by that time I was f~~~ed, bankrupt and in a complete mess. It was my mistake to keep letting her back in

[Anonymous 7]

Wow that was some tale.
You already know what todo, you did it once before. Hit the gym, work and save.

If you can’t find work as an engineer perhaps you can as a teacher?

[RomulusParticipant 4667]

In a few months or a year, if you give yourself some time, and look at things honestly, I believe you will understand thing differently.

Perhaps you shall even come to the conclusion that you are not and……….were not in love with her. You fell for an “idea” of her. For a romanticized version of being in love. Some of the signs were there, of young love, and maybe you relied on those to support that feeling. But from what you describe, there were lots of red flags too.

You’re girlfriend did what most women do. Attached herself to a man that could provide what she needed at that point in her life, and in exchange she gave an emotional connection and sex. And when she didn’t need that from you anymore, she moved on. I agree, she did it in a c~~~ way. But this is an experience most men go through in life. Often more then once. (me for example, because I’m an idiot)

Buck up and sober up and greet life again. Start exercising, throw yourself in to work for a while, go back to school, whatever works for you. But I would try to stop giving any more of your emotional life to someone for which you were merely a commodity.

Make a plan and get back to living YOUR life.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

[SuggestiusParticipant 3312]

Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Bullet points, please.

Happiness for all and let no one be forgotten ("Roadside picnic", Arkady and Boris Strugatsky)

[Anonymous 42]

MattK wrote:

I suppose because I tried several times to “move on” and was always shut down until she decided she was ready to move on, by that time I was f~~~ed, bankrupt and in a complete mess. It was my mistake to keep letting her back in

You need to let that resentment go, smile, wave, and politely get on with your life, a hyena doesn’t love or care about who it bites, so why are you caring about the hyena and not tending the wound by washing it out and stitching it up?

[505vikingoParticipant 521]

Sorry, could not read the entire story. Same as all others. “She is not yours, it is only your turn.” Be a professional bachelor. I enjoy her for a bit, notice when the passion starts to go, and I upgrade to another, preferably younger. Start, wash, rinse, repeat. Pretty simple.

[CarnageParticipant 22113]

MattK wrote:

I suppose because I tried several times to “move on” and was always shut down until she decided she was ready to move on, by that time I was f~~~ed, bankrupt and in a complete mess. It was my mistake to keep letting her back in

What I learned….

Move on from what?

Who’s foult it is you bankrupt?

You can recover everything with a surpluss and you know it.

Now I repeat my mantra:

You are not depressed, you are not in pain, you are not with problems.

I explain: your brain is tricking you, that f~~~er get a kick from the neurotransmitters that are released when you are in a negative stimulation, Soo the f~~~er recreates your sorrow over and over again, to get his dose, he even amplify it, MAKE IT STOP, every time you feel “down, remembering, emotional or what ever” STOP YOUR BRAIN.

YOU GOTTA SAY, LISTEN YOU LITTLE F~~~ER I AINT GOING THROUGH HELL BECOUSE YOU WANT TO GET OFF OUT OF MISSERY.

Every emotion you might have or think you have can be controlled, just take the profitable ones, sorrow, greef, ansiety, depresión are useless.

The more you learn to tame your brain the easier it will become to be stable, cold minded and focused.

There will come a moment when someone will tell you, your mom is dead, and you will see things with perspective, your form of grief will be diferent.

TAME YOUR BRAIN, TAME THE LIZZARD, WHAT THEY CALL “humanity “ is nothing but a trick and useless crap, become something else, make your self better.

To those following me, be careful, I just farted. Men those beans are killers.

[It’sallbsParticipant]

Correct.

http://www.leavemeansleave.eu

[Anonymous 1]

TL;DR;

I hope you got it off your chest.. now move on.

[joetechParticipant]

It always starts with a kiss. The kiss of death.

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[ReclusParticipant 96]

MattK – it was a long read but I did read it all and I hope it was cathartic rather than traumatic to put it all down in words with the twists and turns that were involved. Getting over a woman takes time and a support network. Resist all further urges to state your feelings about her on social networks in front of friends etc. As a male, you will always be assumed to be in the wrong, regardless of who did what to who, so just don’t go there. The drinking is something you seem to have gotten into as a consequences of her, so I am assuming you are not an alcoholic and you should be able to to ramp it down over time. Ditto the medications the doctors have gotten you on – your emotional state is a response to her. Those crazy feelings are a normal emotional response to an infuriating situation. Leave terms like “officially mental” behind you – the health system comes up with convenient labels so that it can process its customers through the system. The labels they use quite often didn’t even exist 10, 20, 50 or 100 years ago and should be taken with a grain of salt at best. If motorbikes get you into a tranquil frame of mind, use that – follow that or another hobby every day. Men find fulfillment in using their hands and putting their minds to practical tasks – it is a path to mental freedom as it clears your head for at least part of the day. You say you wake up at 3 am repeatedly: discuss options for better sleep with your doctor – light therapy, taking Circadin to adjust your melatonin cycle, or a short course of sleeping tablets may be what is needed to get you back on track. Quite often it is insomnia that is the key factor to overcome for turning things around in this situation. Even if you’re not a fitness freak (I’m not), exercise – go out for long walks and get the air flowing through your lungs. Try and do one thing a day, recognise the forward progress you are making, and also when your mind starts dragging you back into the same negative holding pattern. In spite of your feelings of helplessness, you have already self-diagnosed yourself here and you do have a clear picture of where you are at, so you have the tools to move on. I have been where you are; I know what it is like, and it does change for the better.

[MattKParticipant 15]

Thanks, Reclus. Honestly at the moment can see no other option but to end it all and put a stop to how I feel. Everyday there is something new that she said that goes round and round in my head.

[ReclusParticipant 96]

Hello MattK. This guy may have some useful insights for you:

[AttonParticipant]

Break free from this nonsense permanently else this will destroy you.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

[SpaceManFinParticipant 48]

She did not love you in the same sense you loved her. She loved you every time she needed a safe haven and a good man to look after her. That’s what a needy, clingy, narcissistic person does. You sound like a talented dude, someone who has the capacity for both logical and creative thought. The world is your oyster. You will recover and you will conquer again. Next time you go forth, you’ll remember there are no unicorns and Disney love is for the un-informed. I have faith in you man, good luck and hope you get better.

[Author]

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