Home › Forums › MGTOW Central › To what extent do you blame your FATHER?
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sidecar 4 weeks, 1 day ago.
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We know the damage that wimmin – and mothers in particular – can do, but I wonder, to what extent do you blame your father?
My mother was always an extremely unpleasant individual, but reflecting on the past – as you do when you get older – I realise that my father shares in the blame for the harm done to me as a child.
He was a clever man and essentially good hearted, but he was weak. He couldn’t cope with her behaviour and preferred to avoid confrontations, spending more and more time working away (reacting as many men do), leaving me at the mercy of a harpy.
He never slapped her down, never said no to her, with the result that she just got worse and worse (typical female reaction to a lack of external control), blighting my life for decades to come.
He had a responsibility, but failed to discharge it (bear in mind that this was the 1960’s/1970’s. He could have kicked her to the curb. Wimmin did not have the law behind them to they extent that they have today).
Absolute and total self-actualized man right here.
My father left when I was a year old.
Leaving me with a fate that shaped, molded and guided my evolution: in the absence of what I have heard referred to as the ‘boys need fathers’ motto.
Which I always thought was funny. So, just father’s? That’s what young men ‘need’ – with no other qualifying criteria involved related to the fathers.
That would be like saying ‘Human need water’ Well. . . fundamentally true. But what kind of water? Water from a sewer or malaria infected water from a pond in a tropical region. Or the kind of water in Flint, Michigan that has lead in it? Or water that someone just took a bath in?
Well you get my point.
Humans need clean water to drink.
And if it can be argued that young boys need father then one would have to first qualify the statement as to what kind of father. (And don’t bullsh*t me and claim ‘any’ father because societies problems are NOT just caused by single mothers but men that should never reproduce or have children let alone attempt to raise them bear an equal responsibility. And there are just as many of them out there)
Anyway – Back to focus. I used the term self actualized (referring to myself in the absence of a father) because I heard it on a YouTube video.
But my definition of it is different.
To use the term ‘self actualized’ when your development, growth and conditioning is guided and molded by another man (a father) is laughable. The ‘self’ component gets removed from the equation the minute another man, even a father was there to hold your b~~~~ and nurture you, etc
Self actualization comes from the adversity and confusion at a very young age, leading up to manhood when you have to figure out everything on your own in the ABSENCE of another man assisting in that process.
Only then, is your evolution and journey self actualized. And it is in every possible way. From day one or at least for me at year one before I could even conceptualize that I had a father.
In closing. It’s 7am where I am at, laying in a tent system above my Jeep at a drop zone preparing mentally to jump out of planes a few times today and regarding the topic of ‘To What Extent Do You Blame Your Father’s
All I have to say is that I do not blame him and never have. The reasons are multi-faceted and complex and I won’t go into that right now.
However: To any of you that actually had father that were present, took care of you, helped you, guided your growth and genuinely cared about you:
As a man that never had a father –
If any of you ‘blame’ your father for anything then you are all fckng jokes and beyond pathetic.
Be grateful for what you had and let go of anything that you wished was different. Because any ‘blame’ you place on another man that raised you is just your own fractured, un-evolved self attempting to make sense of it all by assigning responsibility to someone else through blame.
In cases like that. Sorry the water was not from a glacier based source somewhere in Greenland. Be grateful you had access to something from a kitchen sink faucet.
I don’t blame my father, he wouldn’t have been a good one if he had hung around anyway. And my step father was an alcoholic train wreck.
I blame no one, life is what it is. It is up to me to make it better.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
My dad was an alcoholic and a gambler. He was out of the house by the time I was in high school. I always credited him with my love for the outdoors since he was a hunter and fisherman, and generally would have survived just fine two hundred years ago. In today’s society? Not so much. I took after my grandfather – his father – because I was good in school and I loved computers and art. My grampa was a stone mason in his spare time and his work was out of this world. I give my grandfather more credit for “fathering” me than I do my father. He was just sort of there, needing resources from the rest of the family.
What I didn’t realize until just recently is that my mother’s style of fighting is part of what drove him crazy. They don’t call gaslighting “crazy-making” for no reason. He could have made better choices, but she could have not been so stubborn. My blue-pill self always sided with her, but I have to rethink all of that now.
EDIT: my mom did remarry and my step-father has been in my life since I was a teen-ager, and he’s great. They get along splendidly, but he’s a natural critic of EVERYthing, so his boundaries have always been very clear. It works for them. He also had a very big part in raising me. Incidentally, he was the first person I ever heard use the word “cuck”. He was talking about my sister’s then-husband!
Not at all.
For what ever reason, my mother left him (with 3 kids) in 1966. Then divorced him in 1970 (after my kid brother was born by a different father in 1969) when the divorce laws in Canada were changed. Prior to 1969 the divorce laws were frikkin horrid for everyone as it was entrenched in French Roman Catholic, and Roman Catholic beliefs and practices. People mostly walked away and carried on with life as best they could and didn’t marry again, unless you did have a signed confession of adultery or extreme abuse, or could prove marital abandonment after 10 years (to be granted a divorce) prior to 1970.
He wasn’t in the picture and had no contact at all with us, and had ZERO input or impact on my life (aside from my conception and the first 18 months of my life), so how could I possibly blame him for anything?Conversely, I don’t blame nor attribute my mother for my life at all either.
Sure she could have made “better choices”, however I dont know for sure what options she or my father had available at the time nor can I honestly attribute other options they may or may not have had available, as I wasn’t there nor cognizant of the situation at that point in time. Nor can I blame her for any of the crap that followed at the hands of others while she worked to feed, house, and care for us.
The person (my 2nd eldest sister) who holds the most blame, and initiated the shyte show that became my childhood is probably dead, due to her lifestyle and choices as no one has heard from her in 20 years. Shifting that blame to another, regardless of who or what that person is/was, did/did not do, is both unproductive and irresponsible to and for ME.Ironically, every time my adult daughter bitches about how “bad” her life was being raised by me. Each and every friend of hers that seen her childhood tells her to stop lying about it, and that they “wish” they had a dad like hers.
After much self reflection over my life, I have come to the conclusion that people do what they want to do regardless of the consequences.
How someone else’s decisions affect me depends on how I deal with it myself, they already did their part.
Nothing gets done without an action of one sort or another, it’s just a matter of whether or not you take responsibility for your actions, reactions, and consequences (good, neutral, or bad) it doesn’t matter. What does matter is How I deal with the crap in an effective manner in order not to screw things up further for myself.
Sometimes, I failed horribly in the “effectiveness” of my ability to deal with crap in the “best” way possible.
Yet I adapt and endure.There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it
No I don’t blame my father. He’s a great man. He tried to make my mother happy by giving her gifts, candies and family time and still it wasn’t good enough. She left us before my 11th birthday. My dad got full custody of me (I still live with him). She would go around telling people that my dad would come home from bowling on Wednesdays and beat her up. If that was true, which it wasn’t, then why would she leave me with him while she was messing around with my current stepdad? Women lie to make people look bad.
After she left, my dad got me a new cat; something my mom would of forbidden. I was happy when she left, because she used to slap me around and spank me and yell at me like it was fun.
My dad takes care of his family. He did a great job with Christmas this year by ditching my aunt and her rotten college kids, and by giving me exactly what I wanted and that includes a Sony subwoofer which I’ll be hooking up later today when my Dolby Atmos receiver comes in UPS. I can’t wait. Anyway, he takes care of his family and we take care of him back.
I don’t blame my father at all. It’s not his fault my mother cheated on us; he did the best he could.
https://themanszone.webs.com/
my dad was an asshole very toxic and a bad role model.
And if it can be argued that young boys need father then one would have to first qualify the statement as to what kind of father. (And don’t bullsh*t me and claim ‘any’ father because societies problems are NOT just caused by single mothers but men that should never reproduce or have children let alone attempt to raise them bear an equal responsibility. And there are just as many of them out there).
True.
The obvious part of the MGTOW journey is questioning and then rejecting the received wisdom about female nature. But that does not mean that we place men on pedestals – we accept that there are bad men out there.
As a man that never had a father – If any of you ‘blame’ your father for anything then you are all fckng jokes and beyond pathetic.
That’s pretty fierce. I wonder – is this your anger at being abandoned?
Because any ‘blame’ you place on another man that raised you is just your own fractured, un-evolved self attempting to make sense of it all by assigning responsibility to someone else through blame.
Can a child – someone who has no power, no agency, be blamed?
Monk
At one point in time, I was a single sperm being launched out of some guy’s d*ck. There are 30 to 80 million sperm per milliliter of ejaculation and a guy can ejaculate between 1.5 to 4 milliliters per blast.
So, for the sake of calculations: I was in a load of approximately over 200 million other sperm.
And I somehow made it an egg.
In lieu of that and the fact that I survived for nine months inside the body of another human being and was born healthy with all of my limbs, two functioning eyes and a brain.
After that. . .
I blame nobody for anything.
Sitting here right now, well past the 50% mark of what could be considered a normal human lifespan with what might even be my best years behind me – very grateful and blessed for having been able to have this experience.
And I am saying that in the aftermath of what has been a rough road that most probably could not survive.
But I don’t blame anyone.
I used to place a lot of blame on my father when I was a teenager. Now that I have walked a mile in his shoes and see things more clearly, I have a lot of respect for him. Unfortunately he passed away before I came to that realization.
My dad grew up during depression with three brothers working on family farm. Their dad (my grandfather) died when my dad was in his teens. Shortly after, his mom committed suicide.
I am youngest and my dad was 46 when I was born. Consequently there was always a huge generation/lifestyle gap between me and my dad. We were never close, he was strict, often angry and he could get a little rough with me.
While growing up, my parent’s marriage was in bad shape. Because of the influence of my mother, I blamed my dad for state of marriage.
However, now I can see my mom was most of the reason for my dad’s anger. She cheated on him and withheld her affections. Several years after their divorce I saw a very different, happier man. And I saw my mom’s cheating and hypergamy.
My father taught me discipline, how to work hard and do things well. He taught me how to hunt, fish, camp and live outdoors. His military service was a big inspiration in my enlisting. Unfortunately my dad died just two months before I commissioned as second lieutenant.
Now that I am roughly same age as my father when he had me, have been through divorce of cheating wife, work hard and love the outdoors, I realize I am very much like my father. He taught me well even though I didn’t realize it at the time.
"You don't know a woman till you have met her in divorce court."I think that we forget that our “parents” were/are JUST HUMAN BEINGS.
They had THEIR lives and THEIR problems long before we ever came along.
Sometimes we were a “planned” event, and other times we were merely a consequence.
EITHER WAY, as TIME went by, our parents still LIVED THEIR LIVES, and in doing so continued to make mistakes just like we do DAILY.
THEY couldn’t suddenly CHANGE who they were and magically transform themselves into SUPER PARENT.
I think MOST people can’t appreciate their parents until they themselves have had the “honor and privilege” of being a parent.
Being a parent is something that I would NEVER choose to do again if I could do my life over again.
Ever wonder how many of your parents maybe felt/feel the same way ????
In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash
My father was a Super Alpha Badass. Born in 1942. Graduated from Jefferson medical College in Philadelphia. Was stationed at Quantico as a Navy Dr. during Vietnam. Doing physicals for newly enlisted Marines. He was a narcissist and a bit of a psychopath and was smarter than everyone else and made sure my mother, sister and I knew it. My mother was a home maker. When I was about 10-11 years old. My mother had secretly ran up about 100,000 dollars in credit card debt over the corse of a year buying Jewelry. When she finally had to break it to him. He beat the everliving hell out of my mother. Bounced her off every wall in the house. Two black eyes and the whole deal. He was even chasing her around the back yard with a 2×4 at one point. They remained married till his death at 60 of a heart attack. He passed in May 3rd 2002. And there was always other women coming after my Father. And my mother had confrontations (Nurses from the Hospital) with a few women over the years and had to run them off…
My “father” was a lazy, useless, unemployed alcoholic. A complete waste of oxygen.
He was a great role model for me on how NOT to live my life.
The greatest tragedy in life is to spend your whole life fishing only to discover that it was not fish you were after. - Henry David Thoreau
Boy that weather… How bout them Mets?
You are all alone. If you have been falsely accused of RAPE, DV, PLEASE let all men know about the people who did this. http://register-her.net/web/guest/home
If any of you ‘blame’ your father for anything then you are all fckng jokes and beyond pathetic.
Anyone can legitimately blame anyone else for anything negative that occurs.
Am I justified in blaming a cashier for shorting me my correct change?You self-identified as someone who grew up without a father and then arrogantly deny anyone else who had a father to speak from their own experience on how something affected them.
As some others here have said, some of our dads were assholes and negatively affected the way we deal with others.
Any person in your life can either inspire you to do something or change your outlook on life in many ways.It’s just plain stupid to think someone is a “fckn joke and beyond pathetic”, just because they didn’t have the exact, same experience you had.
I will just assume you’re drunk or drugged up.
We can “blame” that for the reason you’re spouting nonsense.We know the damage that wimmin – and mothers in particular – can do, but I wonder, to what extent do you blame your father?
My father was a complete idiot! 98.5% of the things that he told me about women and life in general turned out to be absolute bullshhit! I had to learn how things really were all on my own and that took many years. I still can’t believe that a grown adult could have been so wrong about so many things… 😡
These father threads are always a good mixed bag read. Imickey! lol.
My Dad was born in 1953. His Dad was a Navy man who drank alot. I was fortunate my Dad quit drinkin when I was 11. I was spared alot of ass whoopins and he set an example of tolerance and unconditional love.
He’s Tradcon Blue Pill but most Boomers are! Only nowadays, are men like us becoming a small minority. We used to be a slim possibility and heavily, heavily outspoken. Nowadays people somewhat agree or dont want to argue it because they know we’re right about women
My father falls into the if a bad choice can be made he will make it. What kind of nutcase quits a full time job with a family of 8 to support to sell religious books door to door. I will not hash it all out, even though it might be very cathartic. Living in abject poverty because someone thinks it is a calling………..
mgtow is its own worst enemy- https://www.campusreform.org/
My father just turned 87. Have not heard from him since he packed up his stamp collection and left my cold miserable mother 4~ decades ago. All I learned from them both was to crave warmth and love. At any cost. And I found it wrapped inside a ball of psychosis.
Thanks.
I’ll share only because my story is different. My dad is a narcissist. My mom truly is one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. I have an older brother. He modeled himself after our dad and I modeled myself after my mom. My dad was never affectionate. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my dad say I Love You to anyone. As a kid I thought that if I got strait A’s in school, if I didn’t do the things that my older brother did to p~~~ off my parents, that if I walked the straight and narrow that eventually I could get an I Love You out of him. Never happened.
After my divorce the biggest revelation that I had that finally gave me clarity was when I figured out that I married my dad. I did as my mom did, always trying to make things better for someone that didn’t want them to be better. Talk about an eye-opener. I was still trying to get “my dad” to say I love you, but now he had t~~~. I was trying to fix an old relationship that couldn’t be fixed.
However, on the plus side my dad is a hard worker and a straight shooter. And at work he was always trying to do the “right” thing. Concerned more with getting it right than just being right. And I got those traits from him and they have served me well in my career.
So back to the original question: Do I BLAME my father? No, he is who he is. He’s a mixed bag of good and bad. The key is to have the ability to take the good and leave the bad. But I sure wish I hadn’t married him….
Order the good wine
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