Hi I am new here. I just wrote a whopper of an informative post over in general called “List of things ALL MEN should know about the law regarding women/children”
So about me…
I am 40 and long time single, never married, no kids (well my sperm was privately donated to a lesbian couple here in NY… fingers crossed.) I would like to have a kid or 2 someday. I am willing to commit to a woman to raise a family, but I will never get married or take any bulls~~~.
I have clearly been a beta male while I was a clueless blue piller, and I have only ever slept with one woman. I believe this as a result of my rough upbringing. My “father” was extremely neglectful while his girlfriend emotionally and psychologically abused me from age 12-17. There were other things just as bad but an example… she made me burn my Christmas presents from my mother in the garbage burning barrel as a punishment for who knows what. I was not a bad child. The worst I did was forget to take out the garbage, steal change, or not “ask her about her day.” I got good grades, and until I started acting out at 16, no problems at school. She did many other things just as bad as that incident and my father did nothing about them except take me to counseling. Come to find out that the only reason he kept me around was because I was adopted, and was worth the equivalent of over $1500 now-dollars every month. He didn’t care about me, only that he was getting the pussy, while she used me as her personal kicking mule. I didn’t know about the adoption but after I found out it explained so much that I didn’t speak for 3 days, because I was too busy putting two and two together. He spent more on beer and cigarettes than me. Her kids got better treatment and better things even though I was worth income. I didn’t feel welcome, wanted, or cared for at home. It was damaging. I felt betrayed. I think it caused PTSD. I adopted the coping strategy of immediately not trusting men, and being scared to death of women, irrationally, especially if I was attracted to a female. So I joined the Army, where there is 95% men and used my tough guy aura to suppress all this stuff I should have dealt with as a teenager, but didn’t get to until the last few years.
The good things is that I mostly didn’t get involved with women at all as much as possible, but the bad thing was that I wanted to, but felt very defective. Fortunately I do not have much baggage from adult male=female relationships because I became love-shy (its a real thing, look it up… it is the ultimate failed beta male.) But I do have a lot of baggage from family dysfunction, and my male-male relationships have sometimes gone very bad. I refused to be mentored because of my distrust and I am still overly independent, aloof, and appear cold, distant, and emotionless to many people. It was just my way of coping that hardened into a rigid personality where basically “How can I trust anyone to be for me if my own family betrayed me?”
Yes I understand there are whole groups of people which had it worse… holocaust survivors, children in war torn Sudan and Angola, or children who starved to death. But most middle class or white Americans did not have to deal with the constant s~~~ that I did. I was drugged by a 17 year old male foster kid when I was 3, and who knows what he did while I was under, but I was so afraid of the toilet that I s~~~ on the floor for a year. And no one ever knew about it because he threatened my life by squeezing my jaw so hard and shaking my head yes while he repeated the lies that he made me adopt. Welcome to life kid. My adoptive parents got divorced when I was 4. My dad pulled some tricks and got custody, then remarried an alcoholic (my sisters Mom, while not perfect, was the only person that I never doubted loved me, but alsoĀ was not fully functional.) They had a son (his first real son) when I was 10, and then things changed for me. He was also cheating on his wife with her sister, who then because the evil raging bitch step-mom from ages 12 to 17. Then when he stopped getting my welfare checks at 18 because I went in the Army, she kicked him out our house and took it (long story.) So this woman stole her sister’s husband, abused her kids, and then when she was done stole everything of value from the family. And since she is my mom’s sister she is still family though I refuse to see her or talk to her.
So I am still trying to figure out how to not be afraid of women I am attracted to… but when I look around and read your stories, I see that my fear is also justified. For the longest I longed to be in an LTR. Deep down I still do, but that has been tempered with plenty of caution.
What I like about MGTOW is that there is no one path. The only ideology is that we GO OUR OWN WAY. I don’t think we kid ourselves about being one single minded movement like the supposed feminists and MRMers. I think we all choose our own path and this is just a support group with plenty of help, warnings, and encouragement to find our path. I still want kids and I still hold out some hope for an LTR (no marriage and no I will not take bulls~~~.) But after being a beta so long, I hope I can become an Alpha also. My path is not walking completely away from women, but finding some rare middle ground that supports that fact that both men and women have problems with this system called American society, and most importantly, not allowing myself to be walked on in any way. I also have to overcome that I feel that I look ugly and unattractive, have no sense of style, am still lagging in social skills, and although I am in great shape physically I am turning middle aged and slightly slowing down. The one thing I have going for me is intelligence and potentially a good income if I can kick the PTSD. Intelligence and being in good shape for my age has not proven to be enough thus far, so I am looking into plenty of ways for self improvement. I have under taken many positive changes to get to where I am at, which is plenty better that the complete shell of a 20 year old tortuous man that I was, but I know I am not prime dating material as is. I don’t know if this is even a primary concern though I would love to have a decent woman if one exists who is good for mw.
So I hope I feel welcome here, and find my way to a more enjoyable life.
Keymaster 4 years, 5 months ago.
