Home › Forums › MGTOW Central › The Death Of My Loved One…My Son
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Phantom 4 years, 4 months ago.
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It has been almost 20 years now. I find myself in the position today, with the task of trying to offer some insight on how I dealt with it when it happened, as well as dealing with it from then to now. This is something I seldom speak of, let alone put down in words.
I went to every Dr. appointment to make sure all was going accordingly while my first XW was pregnant with our son. Aside from him being slightly below normal on his weight, I was assured each time, that the pregnancy overall was without any complications. Smooth sailing in short, was always the message.
On July 4th, while watching the fireworks display, she tells me “I don’t feel him moving”. I reply with ” maybe he is sleeping”. So, we go to the Dr. and tells us the shocking & unbelievable truth. That he is dead. We had about 4 weeks left to go for his due date. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck and basically starved and strangled him to death.
Because she was so far along, they had to induce labor, and be witness to the delivery of our stillborn, of my son. There are no amount of words I could share here, that could ever convey how I felt living through all of that. We even had him cremated and I even held his ash & bones in my hands, when I finally released him, which is another story in and of itself, that I will not go into.
It destroyed me. I sunk lower than I thought was possible. I was devastated, confused, filled with utter despair & confusion…and I went into a rage over it, deep inside myself. I even acted out in my anger and grief many times. Things I still regret and have to live with every day of my life. I was broken inside. Of all I had endured growing up, it still was not enough for me to withstand the loss, and it shattered me. I was in my mid 20’s and I felt like an old worn out man.
I prayed, cried, yelled, screamed & cried out to God more than ever before or since. A million questions it seemed to me, that I had, but the main one was WHY???!!! This tragedy came on the heels of me being laid off from my cool job I had at the time. Was like a week or two, if memory recalls correctly. So, it was hell emotionally and financially.
Drinking & the thoughts of suicide were common place for me then. I couldn’t imagine anything being worse & since my marriage was obliterated by it, I didn’t see any reason to carry on. Why? What for? I was in a vicious circle in my mind, and saw no way to escape the pain & no end of it in sight. All I could think about was losing him, and all the memories I would never get to have now, because of it.
After all the emotional turmoil, it came down to one question for myself. Can I accept it or not? If not, my life might as well be over & forfeit, as far as I was concerned. Well, my father committed suicide, and I decided I would rather accept the loss of my son & not follow my father’s footsteps. Did I feel like accepting it? Hell no! Of course not.
It took years, before my feelings caught up with my freewill choice, to decide to carry on and accept what was beyond my control. I believe there are many principles in The Bible, that was paramount in helping me & healing me. I am not into religions, but I will hold onto anything that I consider to be of benefit to me, regardless of the source.
For all you men out there, that have experienced the loss of a loved one, if none of my words has helped ease the pain, I hope you will at least find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in dealing with the aftermath such heartaches as these bring.
I decided to rule my emotions instead of allowing my emotions to ruin me, and am thankful I did so, for I would most likely not be here still, had I not done so.
Cheers & Condolences Brothers
Anonymous1Thank you for sharing.
May you be at peace and I hope all goes well in your life.Take care brother.
Cheers.
Anonymous42I prayed, cried, yelled, screamed & cried out to God more than ever before or since. A million questions it seemed to me, that I had, but the main one was WHY???!!!
I’m sure many of us walked in those shoes over something or another, mine was the horror of watching a little girl perish in a house fire, something I never shared here. Myself and another dude tried to get her out, he went to the back door, and I went to the front porch, he couldn’t get in, I was able to enter and did not have my whits to crawl on the floor, I became somewhat disoriented in the thick black smoke, I heard crackling and popping, I saw faint flames going across the ceiling when I decided to flee, not being aware of the furniture setting, I started stumbling in the dark and found light at a window, from there I regained my senses and felt my way to the door, I nearly lost my life that day. The most horrific memory from that day was the hopelessness I felt when the curtains bursted into flames behind the glass, then the glass broke and billowing fire came out her window, We were forced farther and father back from the heat, jesus christ it makes me want to cry even now, to top it off, when I saw my GF, she was p~~~ed because I was late, I tried to tell her what happened to me but she was in rant mode, then angrily told me I stink of smoke. When you need them the most, EXPECT A KICK IN THE B~~~~! Theirs allot more to this story, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
MGTOWAge, I know how you feel, it never truly goes away. I wish my brain was like a computer, I’d delete all the bad memories once and for all! No million questions, just delete!Kudos for putting that out man,I really believe that most women only think THEY feel anything. .that men are robots without any emotions. .you are proof it’s HOW emotions are dealt with that counts. .an e’xs abortion really f~~~ed.up my head as a teenager. .sorry for your loss brother. And thanks for being BRAVE!
Thank you, brother. Your words resonated deep within me. May the good spirits may look upon your boy and you.
I went through the same, and I am still questioning “why?”.. It seems like I failed, or something failed me, for I find no answer to what happened. That, besides the difficulties of dealing with my ex, was the happiest time of my life, and, I still feel empty and lost sometimes…
That is why this site, KeyMaster and all of you, brothers, are just like my damn blood brothers. You all have eased my pain, you all saved my life from doing a s~~~ I would not even the chance to regret, for I could not be here speaking. I felt like if I was 100 years old, and life had no purpose, no direction, no nothing… A big, huge void… Lost my job too, and it was a job I liked, in a small company where I had the chance to do something great, and change my life forever, but, it seems like “destiny” had changed my life for me.
For the first time, all that things that my dad told me, and the ones that he not told me suddenly made sense, I could see my whole life ahead of me while the womb of my xw carried my child.
Sometimes, I still think “what if he was still here?” and that at some extent is what drives me forward, what makes me keep moving, for that thought is always accompanied by “I am not the man my son would like (and deserved) me to be…”, and I push twice as hard as I pushed before.
I am still struggling to make the most of my life, to make sense of it, to go my own way, but I still think that with him, my own way could be harder, but it would be ten times better.
I know this pain will ease sometime, but it will never fade.
My son died in this January.
Thank you, my son. May the goods spirits take care of you.
Even not borning, you already made me a better man. You already made me a father.
Thank you, my son. Thank you Age, for sharing this.
"Young was I once, I walked alone, and bewildered seemed in the way; then I found me another and rich I thought me, for man is the joy of man." Odin, Hàvamàl, stanza 47.
I prayed, cried, yelled, screamed & cried out to God more than ever before or since. A million questions it seemed to me, that I had, but the main one was WHY???!!!
I’m sure many of us walked in those shoes over something or another, mine was the horror of watching a little girl perish in a house fire, something I never shared here. Myself and another dude tried to get her out, he went to the back door, and I went to the front porch, he couldn’t get in, I was able to enter and did not have my whits to crawl on the floor, I became somewhat disoriented in the thick black smoke, I heard crackling and popping, I saw faint flames going across the ceiling when I decided to flee, not being aware of the furniture setting, I started stumbling in the dark and found light at a window, from there I regained my senses and felt my way to the door, I nearly lost my life that day. The most horrific memory from that day was the hopelessness I felt when the curtains bursted into flames behind the glass, then the glass broke and billowing fire came out her window, We were forced farther and father back from the heat, jesus christ it makes me want to cry even now, to top it off, when I saw my GF, she was p~~~ed because I was late, I tried to tell her what happened to me but she was in rant mode, then angrily told me I stink of smoke. When you need them the most, EXPECT A KICK IN THE B~~~~! Theirs allot more to this story, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it.MGTOWAge, I know how you feel, it never truly goes away. I wish my brain was like a computer, I’d delete all the bad memories once and for all! No million questions, just delete!
Tower, my brother…
Thank you for sharing.
Things like that are hard, too damn hard on a man. You did all you could, you tried your best. Your tears are my tears too. May the good spirits look upont that little girl too, my brother.
"Young was I once, I walked alone, and bewildered seemed in the way; then I found me another and rich I thought me, for man is the joy of man." Odin, Hàvamàl, stanza 47.
Anonymous29It has been almost 20 years now. I find myself in the position today, with the task of trying to offer some insight on how I dealt with it when it happened, as well as dealing with it from then to now. This is something I seldom speak of, let alone put down in words.
I went to every Dr. appointment to make sure all was going accordingly while my first XW was pregnant with our son. Aside from him being slightly below normal on his weight, I was assured each time, that the pregnancy overall was without any complications. Smooth sailing in short, was always the message.
On July 4th, while watching the fireworks display, she tells me “I don’t feel him moving”. I reply with ” maybe he is sleeping”. So, we go to the Dr. and tells us the shocking & unbelievable truth. That he is dead. We had about 4 weeks left to go for his due date. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck and basically starved and strangled him to death.
Because she was so far along, they had to induce labor, and be witness to the delivery of our stillborn, of my son. There are no amount of words I could share here, that could ever convey how I felt living through all of that. We even had him cremated and I even held his ash & bones in my hands, when I finally released him, which is another story in and of itself, that I will not go into.
It destroyed me. I sunk lower than I thought was possible. I was devastated, confused, filled with utter despair & confusion…and I went into a rage over it, deep inside myself. I even acted out in my anger and grief many times. Things I still regret and have to live with every day of my life. I was broken inside. Of all I had endured growing up, it still was not enough for me to withstand the loss, and it shattered me. I was in my mid 20’s and I felt like an old worn out man.
I prayed, cried, yelled, screamed & cried out to God more than ever before or since. A million questions it seemed to me, that I had, but the main one was WHY???!!! This tragedy came on the heels of me being laid off from my cool job I had at the time. Was like a week or two, if memory recalls correctly. So, it was hell emotionally and financially.
Drinking & the thoughts of suicide were common place for me then. I couldn’t imagine anything being worse & since my marriage was obliterated by it, I didn’t see any reason to carry on. Why? What for? I was in a vicious circle in my mind, and saw no way to escape the pain & no end of it in sight. All I could think about was losing him, and all the memories I would never get to have now, because of it.
After all the emotional turmoil, it came down to one question for myself. Can I accept it or not? If not, my life might as well be over & forfeit, as far as I was concerned. Well, my father committed suicide, and I decided I would rather accept the loss of my son & not follow my father’s footsteps. Did I feel like accepting it? Hell no! Of course not.
It took years, before my feelings caught up with my freewill choice, to decide to carry on and accept what was beyond my control. I believe there are many principles in The Bible, that was paramount in helping me & healing me. I am not into religions, but I will hold onto anything that I consider to be of benefit to me, regardless of the source.
For all you men out there, that have experienced the loss of a loved one, if none of my words has helped ease the pain, I hope you will at least find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in dealing with the aftermath such heartaches as these bring.
I decided to rule my emotions instead of allowing my emotions to ruin me, and am thankful I did so, for I would most likely not be here still, had I not done so.
Cheers & Condolences BrothersIt took me ten minutes to settle down after reading your post.
I feel for you man, I really do.I am still crying and moved & touched deeply and beyond words.
I love you brothers and thank you for all the words being shared in this thread.
I will respond to each of you, I promise…
I am just too emotional to do so at this time.
Thank you so much, I am just too blown away to think and type right now.
Cheers my brothers!!
Anonymous1@Mg-Tower
I am sorry that you had to go through this.
And I hope you too find peace. Unfortunately there are some things that are beyond our control, no matter how hard we try otherwise.
Anyway, I have to go for now, but to you all that had to face such ordeals, I wish things get better for all of you.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers.
Thank you for sharing.
May you be at peace and I hope all goes well in your life.Take care brother.
Cheers.
Thanks bro, wishing you peace & a wonderful life as well.
I know how you feel, it never truly goes away. I wish my brain was like a computer, I’d delete all the bad memories once and for all! No million questions, just delete!
I hear you. Your post made me cry man. Hit me like a bullet. You did your best & thank you for sharing of yourself like that brother.
Kudos for putting that out man,I really believe that most women only think THEY feel anything. .that men are robots without any emotions. .you are proof it’s HOW emotions are dealt with that counts. .an e’xs abortion really f~~~ed.up my head as a teenager. .sorry for your loss brother. And thanks for being BRAVE!
Thanks for your words, it means a lot….and I too went through the abortion thing, when I was in my late teens & it hurt like hell. Sorry for your loss also bro.
Kudos to you on how you worded it…I don’t think it ever impacted me with that amount of clarity til you shared it like that.Thank you, brother. Your words resonated deep within me. May the good spirits may look upon your boy and you.
You impacted me deeply as well & may you and your son as well.
Thank you, my son. Thank you Age, for sharing this.
Thank you bro, I could just quote all of it. Thank you as well, for asking me in Deep’s thread, which inspired me to share this in the first place. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and I know it hurts like hell. Anytime you want/need to talk about it, just let me know. Your post made me cry even more.
It took me ten minutes to settle down after reading your post.
I feel for you man, I really do.Thank you brother, and along with the other posts, after reading this, I just was overwhelmed with how much you all affected me.
Cheers to you guys and thanks for this bonding moment.
Respectfully,
Zar
Anonymous42It was a long time ago, she was 5 then, now she would have been 38, time flies, but memories remain day one fresh. Mostly the reason I don’t and haven’t bother with women. I have no more room for drama, heartbreak, or pain, I’m filled…
but memories remain day one fresh. Mostly the reason I don’t and haven’t bother with women. I have no more room for drama, heartbreak, or pain, I’m filled…
No s~~~ on that…
33 yrs later….one of the reason’s why it chaps my ass, when women act like we have the emotional range of a teaspoon bulls~~~. Like you said, if we could delete the painful memories.
Have a swig of my Jack Daniel’s bud.
It is losing a child who is still alive.
Yup…my second son is about 4 yrs old now. Lost him too, never seen him, yet he lives & I get to pay for him, even though I spent 3 yrs believing he was dead before finding out the truth.
I really feel your pain, I really do.
thanks man, all we can do is press on do the best we can manage day in and day out.
Cheers
All of you guys, thanks so much for opening up about this stuff. These stories need to be heard for people to appreciate the depths of what some men have to go through. But they keep going.
As men we must endure …. mostly alone … away from others as our indoctrination has taught us.
We must lay silent and quite at night … lest we wake others. We don’t have feelings …. that is weak. We don’t cry … that’s what cowards do. We MUST be the rock that EVERYONE leans upon.
Because rocks aren’t human. Unfeeling and made of stone.
We can’t find comfort in others …. that’s sissy. So we find a bottle, pill, fight or a rope. We try a find a way out of our unacknowledged pain.
I still cry alone and I still have terrible thoughts of harm …. and I’m still being pushed and tested to this very day.
BUT…..
I have you …. you guys …. and this site. I have people I can cry with and for. I have understand and compassion. I can just empty my soul so I don’t burst.
I have communion …. right here …. I have a chance to survive … understand I’m not alone ….. I get another day to have a crack at …….
I get life …. a different less colourful one …. but the air smells sweet now.
Thank you for sharing and I know we are all thinking of you.
Powerful,
I’m very sorry for your loss, that’s not easy at all, Life sure has a sick sense of humor sometimes. Glad Your inner strength has maintained itself all these years, and you’re still here fighting the good fight.
You have My Respect Brother.
"If You have the Tooth of a Whale, You must have the Whale's Jaw to hold it". (i.e. One Must have the right qualifications for leadership) -Hawaiian Proverb
Zar, my brother… We know how hard it is to open up about such things, and like ILiveAgain said, we should be like stones, never cry, never show that we are crumbling, because we all know that if we crumble, society itself crumbles with us. And, that is what is happening today. MGTOW is the proof of that.
We have some powerful stories around here, enough to fill a book. I never felt the pain of having a kid that is alive, but that is away from me, and I am sure that this thing hurt ten times more, as Lodoss said. I can only imagine the pain, and for that, my respect for all of you is doubled.
I am sorry for taking too long to answer, it took me a night and some sleep to settle down, order my thoughts and write comprehensible words.
Tower, that kid you tried to rescue may not be your blood, but she is some kind of a daughter to you, man. Putting your life in danger to save another forms a bond that is perhaps stronger than the blood bond. I share too the loss of my kid as a main reason why I’ve given up on women. Too much drama, and I want things in my life to be simpler.
Zar, thanks for the offer to speak up if I need, and I will surely take that opportunity. And thank you. Many lessons I learned in this thread, but the most important one that I learned was that with time, the pain will ease, but it will always be there, and, as everything, it is my choice and up to me what to do with it. If you don’t mind, I will ask KeyMaster for your e-mail, so we can share some words outside our home (MGTOW.com).
Thank you all, brothers.
Respecfully,
Arthur"Young was I once, I walked alone, and bewildered seemed in the way; then I found me another and rich I thought me, for man is the joy of man." Odin, Hàvamàl, stanza 47.
Thanks for sharing. A miscarriage led to the end of my first marriage.
#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.
All of you guys, thanks so much for opening up about this stuff. These stories need to be heard for people to appreciate the depths of what some men have to go through. But they keep going.
Thank you and agree with that so much…nowhere else do I know of, do us men have, besides here, to do so.
I still cry alone and I still have terrible thoughts of harm …. and I’m still being pushed and tested to this very day.
BUT…..
I have you …. you guys …. and this site. I have people I can cry with and for. I have understand and compassion. I can just empty my soul so I don’t burst.
ILA, man, along with your whole post, with tears even now, stinging my eyes & running down my face…I still, after about 2 hrs since I first read your words, I am still sitting here trying to regain my composure & gather my thoughts.
I have communion …. right here …. I have a chance to survive … understand I’m not alone ….. I get another day to have a crack at …….
I get life …. a different less colourful one …. but the air smells sweet now.
Thank you for sharing and I know we are all thinking of you.
You are a poet in my book bro & thank you for sharing as well…certainly in my thoughts also.
Powerful,
I’m very sorry for your loss, that’s not easy at all, Life sure has a sick sense of humor sometimes. Glad Your inner strength has maintained itself all these years, and you’re still here fighting the good fight.
You have My Respect Brother.
Thanks bro for sharing that & you have mine as well…just having a hard time finding my words today. So moved by all of you.
Thanks for sharing. A miscarriage led to the end of my first marriage.
Thanks for sharing as well, HRP & sorry to hear that man, I know it’s gut wrenching stuff.
Zar, my brother… We know how hard it is to open up about such things, and like ILiveAgain said, we should be like stones, never cry, never show that we are crumbling, because we all know that if we crumble, society itself crumbles with us. And, that is what is happening today. MGTOW is the proof of that.
We have some powerful stories around here, enough to fill a book. I never felt the pain of having a kid that is alive, but that is away from me, and I am sure that this thing hurt ten times more, as Lodoss said. I can only imagine the pain, and for that, my respect for all of you is doubled.
I am sorry for taking too long to answer, it took me a night and some sleep to settle down, order my thoughts and write comprehensible words.
Tower, that kid you tried to rescue may not be your blood, but she is some kind of a daughter to you, man. Putting your life in danger to save another forms a bond that is perhaps stronger than the blood bond. I share too the loss of my kid as a main reason why I’ve given up on women. Too much drama, and I want things in my life to be simpler.
Zar, thanks for the offer to speak up if I need, and I will surely take that opportunity. And thank you. Many lessons I learned in this thread, but the most important one that I learned was that with time, the pain will ease, but it will always be there, and, as everything, it is my choice and up to me what to do with it. If you don’t mind, I will ask KeyMaster for your e-mail, so we can share some words outside our home (MGTOW.com).
Thank you all, brothers.
Respecfully,
ArthurArthur, my friend, of course KeyMaster has my permission to give you my email. When I made this thread, I did not realize just how powerful the impact it would have on me, and quite honestly, I am taken back by it. So much has been shared in this thread, and I had no idea it would impact me so strongly like this.
Thank you for everything you said in your post & although my life has had some storms in it, I also have blessings in my life that bring me even more joy than all the pain and heartaches have. My 17 yr old daughter, that I have been a stay at home dad for, for most of her life, has brought balance for me as well as my life. That is a major understatement, to say the least.
I wanted to say more about what Tower shared, it just blew me away so much. I also understand how it exhausting it can be, as he put it, and decided to keep my response in regards to that, somewhat brief. No need to say sorry for how long it took to get back to me bro. This is really deep, serious & important stuff, as well as new ground, at least for myself.
As ILA said, we men usually suffer in silence and have to keep it to ourselves, so opening up like this, is not really a natural state of being for us men. Yes, Lodoss made some interesting points, that I am still thinking & pondering on. I wanted to respond with more depth, but I am still considering & contemplating to be honest.
I know we each have our own way and in our own time, on how we want to draw strength off of each other. I will always check this thread, and respond to anyone that posts in it. It is that important to me. If anyone else in this thread wants my email, please let me know. I am ready to either discuss it here in this thread, or in email, if preferred.
I know some details we may not wish to share out in the open on our forum, or that it may be easier to do so in private, one on one setting. All I know is, anything shared with me outside of this forum, by way of email, or any other way (if that ever becomes the case) will be kept in strict confidence on my part. This thread is probably the most important thread I will ever have here, at least to me, and I once again want to give a heartfelt thank you to everyone.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for our home & brothers here.
I truly am unable to express exactly what everyone posting in this thread means to me.
It is way bigger than myself & therefore impossible for me to ever even pretend like I could explain it.DarkKenshi, Arthur my brother, thank you again for inspiring me to open up and start this thread, as well as everything you have said here.
Thank you AllSpecial thanks to KeyMaster & crew on having this site for us men.
Respectfully,
Zar- AuthorPosts
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