Swallowing the Pill

Topic by SilverOne

SilverOne

Home Forums Marriage & Divorce Swallowing the Pill

This topic contains 11 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by OldBill  OldBill 2 years, 7 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #510420
    +4
    SilverOne
    SilverOne
    Participant
    440

    I have just swallowed a Pill. Neither Red nor Blue; more like s~~~ brown and very bitter. When I was separated for the first time, I had two daughters, one 3YO, and 1 infant. I was just getting out of the Army, and had no prospects and no idea what I was going to do with myself, or even how, all while coping with separation and loss of my children. My ex, without any consideration for me as to how I would have any kind of relationship with my kids, moved 600 miles away. Things did not pan out for me, and I had to retreat to my family home, 500 miles in the opposite direction. This was almost 40 years ago, and an entirely different time. I filed for divorce in my home state, and since she never showed up for a hearing, or even acknowledged the summons, the divorce was really a breeze. I was never even ordered to pay child support. It probably wouldn’t have mattered if I had, as I was totally unable to get my feet on the ground, barely able to eke out an existence for myself. None the less, I tried to stay in touch with my kids, and did for several years. Then for a time, I lost all contact with my ex. I didn’t find her till she got in touch with me a couple years later. By this time my kids were 7 and 4. She got in touch with me because she had fallen on hard times, and could no longer take care of the kids. She wanted me to take them till she could “get on her feet”. She sent me my girls, and I had to quit college, short of graduation to get a job. My GI Bill was not enough to keep us from starving. My daughters were with me for a little over a year, when she decided she wanted them back. They went back to her, 1100 miles from me. I was never able to finish college. I still kept in touch with them, but more and more, it became a one way thing. They became emotionally distant from me. I say they, but at 5 years old, my younger daughter barely remembers me, but I asked my older daughter, and she told me her mother had said it was up to me to stay in touch with them, and they didn’t have to anything. They never called, they never wrote, I never got report cards or pictures, they never sent birthday or Father’s day greetings… they basically just waited for me to call them. After a couple of years, I gave it up as a lost cause. Once, I made the 1100 mile trip for a school play, and was there for each to graduate from high school and college. I even moved to their area for over a year, and stayed in their home for a few months, but my younger daughter was clearly put off with me being there, and my older was in high school, always involved with something, and no time for me. I lived within 20 miles of them for a year, and visited from time to time, but in all that time, the only time they visited me was when their mother wrecked her car, and wanted me to get it roadworthy till she could get it in the shop. As adults, my girls have been to visit me in my home, exactly once, over 10 years ago. My younger daughter now has 2 daughters of her own. The only pictures I have of them, I skimmed from their estranged Dad’s FaceBook page. She has never said the first word to me about my grandkids. Apparently, they are curious about me, and are asking questions, but their mother never calls me to let me talk to them. When I call her, she never returns my calls. I have a somewhat better relationship with my older daughter. We talk a couple of times a month, to not so much since her daughter was born at Christmas. You can probably tell, we are not a close knit family. Here is where I am starting to have problems…. My ex has been browbeating me lately about “my family”. If you are wondering “What family?” at this point, so am I. I finally called my older daughter to have her talk to her mother about laying off of me, since it seems to me the girls and I seem as OK with what relationship we have as we can get. When I talked with her, she broke my heart, and never realized it. She said to me, “I can’t imagine what Mom is thinking. I call you “Dad”, but I have never really thought of you as my father, or even family, really. You are more like just a friend of the family.” I could not let her know how crushed I was. And still, my ex is browbeating me about “family”. I have finally had enough. I told my ex that I may be blood, but thanks to her, I am *not* family. That I refused to feel guilty or accept responsibility for her doings, told her about my conversation with my daughter, and thanked her to never contact me again. I then blocked her from my phone. I had been planning an 1100 mile trek to go see them this summer, but it is no longer in the plans. Here is the $64,000 question. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

    I don’t believe in female magic anymore. And will never again gut myself to make room for it. --Narwhal--

    #510425
    +2
    Awakened
    Awakened
    Participant
    35202

    For all kinds of reasons, I think it’s more then a lil to late for “family time”.

    I would let the girls know where I was, but just walk away from TRYING to make things work out.

    I wouldn’t contact nor expect any either.

    Use what time you have left to focus on YOU

    In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

    #510428
    +1
    SilverOne
    SilverOne
    Participant
    440

    For all kinds of reasons, I think it’s more then a lil to late for “family time”.

    I would let the girls know where I was, but just walk away from TRYING to make things work out.

    I wouldn’t contact nor expect any either.

    Use what time you have left to focus on YOU

    Thanks for the vote of confidence… That is pretty much how I see it, but it is good to know someone else thinks so, too.

    I don’t believe in female magic anymore. And will never again gut myself to make room for it. --Narwhal--

    #510440
    +5
    Awakened
    Awakened
    Participant
    35202

    There comes a time in Life when we have to STOP beating ourselves up for things completely out of our control, and begin to TRY and ENJOY what ever time that we may have left.

    In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

    #510468
    +2
    Ogre
    Ogre
    Participant
    5863

    It was a bad scenario back then, but how much time and effort do you want to spend? Over the years you’ve tried.

    I would have probably been done with the ex on the 18th birthday of the younger one.

    Your older daughter’s comment was insensitive, but probable as truthful as anything from her perspective. She’s the only one worth the effort.

    Your youngest sounds like she stopped mentally developing she she left you the second time. She’s the same hurting five year old as she was back then, and you said a lot when mentioned getting the grandchildren’s photos from the estranged father’s Facebook page.

    You have definitely given this more thought than any of them have, and it’s probably a good time to quit torturing yourself over what could have been.

    I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.

    #510470
    +4
    Autolite
    Autolite
    Participant

    Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?

    Just because you’re all family doesn’t guarantee a healthy relationship. If it doesn’t happen then just accept that you at least tried.

    I had to cut my adoptive family completely out of my life many years ago. It was a very toxic situation. They just weren’t good people.

    I keep in touch with my large biological family but we’re not really close. I haven’t seen any of them in 14 years and most of them really want nothing to do with me anyway.

    Don’t be afraid to let go if that’s what you need to do to bring peace in your life. People do it. Life goes on…

    #510543
    Joetech
    joetech
    Participant

    In my experience, when a woman suddenly wants to re-establish contact after years of alienation, there is always an ulterior motive. Your ex may be planning to hit you up for money soon. Without knowing you very well, and based on what you’ve written, I’d leave well enough alone.

    "Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

    #510556
    +1
    SilverOne
    SilverOne
    Participant
    440

    Your ex may be planning to hit you up for money soon.

    Well, I wish her luck with that. I have blocked her on my phone. After the way she tried to beat me up over the girls, she’ll never hear my voice again. This is a pattern repeating. She thinks it will work, because for a time she strung me along with my daughters. The difference here is, I have never met or even spoken to my grand daughters, and their mother wants nothing to do with me. I have no investment, no reason to invest, and she has no one to blame but herself. She can stew in her own juices.

    I don’t believe in female magic anymore. And will never again gut myself to make room for it. --Narwhal--

    #510564
    RoyDal
    RoyDal
    Participant

    I was never even ordered to pay child support. It probably wouldn’t have mattered if I had, as I was totally unable to get my feet on the ground, barely able to eke out an existence for myself.

    In some jurisdictions, men are sent to prison for this, and never mind that they happen to be broke.

    Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

    #510656
    SilverOne
    SilverOne
    Participant
    440

    In some jurisdictions, men are sent to prison for this, and never mind that they happen to be broke.

    I think you miss what I am saying… I had no money, no job, and no prospects. I was so destitute, I would have gone to jail. Heck, I would probably have been better off (and yes, I know *exactly* what I am saying). Still wouldn’t have made a difference. Can’t squeeze blood from a stone.

    I don’t believe in female magic anymore. And will never again gut myself to make room for it. --Narwhal--

    #512158
    Jack Harper
    Jack Harper
    Participant
    2863

    SilverOne, I’ve talked to a lot of men who have had to walk away. No relationship with their own kids. No fault of their own. As others have said focus on yourself; find your own peace.

    #512168
    +1
    OldBill
    OldBill
    Participant

    You’ve already walked away, SilverOne, so just keep walking. Those people are the debris you left behind all those years ago and you left them behind for good reason.

    Also, try using paragraphs next time. You would have received more comments if your story was more easy to read.

    Do not date. Do not impregnate. Do not co-habitate. Above all, do not marry. Reclaim and never again surrender your personal sovereignty.

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