I have just swallowed a Pill. Neither Red nor Blue; more like s~~~ brown and very bitter. When I was separated for the first time, I had two daughters, one 3YO, and 1 infant. I was just getting out of the Army, and had no prospects and no idea what I was going to do with myself, or even how, all while coping with separation and loss of my children. My ex, without any consideration for me as to how I would have any kind of relationship with my kids, moved 600 miles away. Things did not pan out for me, and I had to retreat to my family home, 500 miles in the opposite direction. This was almost 40 years ago, and an entirely different time. I filed for divorce in my home state, and since she never showed up for a hearing, or even acknowledged the summons, the divorce was really a breeze. I was never even ordered to pay child support. It probably wouldn’t have mattered if I had, as I was totally unable to get my feet on the ground, barely able to eke out an existence for myself. None the less, I tried to stay in touch with my kids, and did for several years. Then for a time, I lost all contact with my ex. I didn’t find her till she got in touch with me a couple years later. By this time my kids were 7 and 4. She got in touch with me because she had fallen on hard times, and could no longer take care of the kids. She wanted me to take them till she could “get on her feet”. She sent me my girls, and I had to quit college, short of graduation to get a job. My GI Bill was not enough to keep us from starving. My daughters were with me for a little over a year, when she decided she wanted them back. They went back to her, 1100 miles from me. I was never able to finish college. I still kept in touch with them, but more and more, it became a one way thing. They became emotionally distant from me. I say they, but at 5 years old, my younger daughter barely remembers me, but I asked my older daughter, and she told me her mother had said it was up to me to stay in touch with them, and they didn’t have to anything. They never called, they never wrote, I never got report cards or pictures, they never sent birthday or Father’s day greetings… they basically just waited for me to call them. After a couple of years, I gave it up as a lost cause. Once, I made the 1100 mile trip for a school play, and was there for each to graduate from high school and college. I even moved to their area for over a year, and stayed in their home for a few months, but my younger daughter was clearly put off with me being there, and my older was in high school, always involved with something, and no time for me. I lived within 20 miles of them for a year, and visited from time to time, but in all that time, the only time they visited me was when their mother wrecked her car, and wanted me to get it roadworthy till she could get it in the shop. As adults, my girls have been to visit me in my home, exactly once, over 10 years ago. My younger daughter now has 2 daughters of her own. The only pictures I have of them, I skimmed from their estranged Dad’s FaceBook page. She has never said the first word to me about my grandkids. Apparently, they are curious about me, and are asking questions, but their mother never calls me to let me talk to them. When I call her, she never returns my calls. I have a somewhat better relationship with my older daughter. We talk a couple of times a month, to not so much since her daughter was born at Christmas. You can probably tell, we are not a close knit family. Here is where I am starting to have problems…. My ex has been browbeating me lately about “my family”. If you are wondering “What family?” at this point, so am I. I finally called my older daughter to have her talk to her mother about laying off of me, since it seems to me the girls and I seem as OK with what relationship we have as we can get. When I talked with her, she broke my heart, and never realized it. She said to me, “I can’t imagine what Mom is thinking. I call you “Dad”, but I have never really thought of you as my father, or even family, really. You are more like just a friend of the family.” I could not let her know how crushed I was. And still, my ex is browbeating me about “family”. I have finally had enough. I told my ex that I may be blood, but thanks to her, I am *not* family. That I refused to feel guilty or accept responsibility for her doings, told her about my conversation with my daughter, and thanked her to never contact me again. I then blocked her from my phone. I had been planning an 1100 mile trek to go see them this summer, but it is no longer in the plans. Here is the $64,000 question. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face?
I don’t believe in female magic anymore. And will never again gut myself to make room for it. --Narwhal--
OldBill 2 years, 7 months ago.
