some men never learn

[RusskyParticipant 13503]

bobphilo wrote:

As the great psychologist, Baumeister, put it. “Men are natural, women are social”. Men have a natural morality, women are shaped by the latest social fads. That’s why they are slaves to fashion. The current fad is to infidelity and promiscuity.

I see you’re familiar with Baumeister as well. I’ve only read his book on the Willpower and it was brilliant. How have you been exposed to his works?
P.S.: I looked up his bibliography and he has a book “Is There Anything Good About Men?: How Cultures Flourish by Exploiting Men, 2010” – have you read it and is it any good?
I also want to read what he had to say in his: “Your Own Worst Enemy: Understanding the Paradox of Self-Defeating Behavior” – this is the story of my life pretty much

proud carrier of the 'why?' chromosome

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Prefer Peace to Piece wrote:

I personally have never been on FB and I never understood why FB was such a big deal to ladies. Now I get it.

Me too. Just recently put the pieces together.

Tic wrote:

They become emotionally unavailable just as they already cheated. How can you keep her attention towards you when she is out in lala land getting virtually ego-stroked.

F~~~ me. This thread sure nailed it; setting off my red pill rage again. Thought I was past that stage.

A few more pieces are starting to crystallize how my relationship went boom – seemingly out of nowhere – at least I thought at the time. I initially had no answers; I now know almost 100% sure what happened.

It truly is uncanny how so many stories are so similar. AWALT

A little more background – for those who are interested. I apologize for this rant…I need to get this off my chest.

Met the ex via an online dating site – it was fairly new at the time, and due to my career it seemed like a legitimate option. Almost a decade ago and it did not have the stigma it does now. Had coffee with a few chicks, nightmare after nightmare, until I met the ex and we hit it off. I should have quit when I was ahead.

She was a little aloof at first – unavailable for a week or more at a time. I was ok with this due to a grueling work schedule. Probable hindsight is she was monkey branching from another guy to me via social media. Why? Just subtle clues, thinking back that I recognize now. Also, this was her way of increase her SMV relative to mine. She was definitely a carousel rider, yet, I did not know the term or the concept at the time. I lived a sheltered life in that regards and believed the feminism propaganda of a woman being sexual liberated. Very naive of me.

She then ramps things up all of a sudden – frequent sex, idealization, best thing that ever happened to her etc. Even took on the role of holly homemaker for a while. Trust me – it was a role. She was diabolical in being able to stroke my ego and make me hear what I wanted to hear. Recognized now as emotional manipulation. Classic borderline behavior. Thanks for helping me realize that CPig.

This went on for 4-5 years until we were married. Systematically, she became my complete world – I lost touch with all my friends. The trap was set. I am firmly believed her plan was to have 1-2 kids and immediately kick me to the curb. Got lucky on that front.

Literally the day after we were married subtle passive-aggressive torture started. The devaluation phase. I have written a few posts in the past and won’t repeat the specifics in the interest of brevity. She isolate herself and kindly insist nothing was wrong. She made me feel like I was walking on egg shells and something was wrong with me for asking. Sex dwindled. Emotional closeness was out the window. Incessantly playing on her smart phone to all hours. Guarding it like a hawk. I repressed this and spun the plates more and more for less and less in return. Constantly switching from hot to cold. Making extremely hurtful and veiled comments out of the blue – hindsight is she was trying to bait me to leave so she could claim victim-hood.

She used to scoff at social media at thought it was stupid and insisted she would never lower herself to that level. Guess who had multiple accounts and dating profiles? – discovered much later after the breakup as I was never on social media save the one time when we first met. History repeats itself. I can’t help but wonder how many guys before and during our relationship/marriage this was done too.

The emotional and physical isolation became so bad that I finally confronted her. She then started phase 3 – discarding. It was like lighting a god-damn fuse on a stick of dynamite simply by asking what was wrong and insisting on an answer. Gas-lighting to the extreme ensued; I literally received every excuse in the book. Long story short – it was all my fault. The level of hostility was insane. Nothing worse then being the mayor of crazytown and realizing the only other resident is you.

Translation – she was caught and was not going to have her cake and eat it. No more having Chad’s on the side with beta bucks. She was not pregnant yet and had not ensnared me. I finally came to my senses and booked. I was rendered homeless for a brief period of time under threat of a false domestic accusation. The rest is history.

It has taken a few years for me to piece together these subtle dynamics – with the help of this website.

Thank you to all.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[TicParticipant 4329]

Eyeswideopen wrote:

Prefer Peace to Piece wrote:

I personally have never been on FB and I never understood why FB was such a big deal to ladies. Now I get it.

Me too. Just recently put the pieces together.

tic douloureux wrote:

They become emotionally unavailable just as they already cheated. How can you keep her attention towards you when she is out in lala land getting virtually ego-stroked.

F~~~ me. This thread sure nailed it; setting off my red pill rage again. Thought I was past that stage.

A few more pieces are starting to crystallize how my relationship went boom – seemingly out of nowhere – at least I thought at the time. I initially had no answers; I now know almost 100% sure what happened.

It truly is uncanny how so many stories are so similar. AWALT

A little more background – for those who are interested. I apologize for this rant…I need to get this off my chest.

Met the ex via an online dating site – it was fairly new at the time, and due to my career it seemed like a legitimate option. Almost a decade ago and it did not have the stigma it does now. Had coffee with a few chicks, nightmare after nightmare, until I met the ex and we hit it off. I should have quit when I was ahead.

She was a little aloof at first – unavailable for a week or more at a time. I was ok with this due to a grueling work schedule. Probable hindsight is she was monkey branching from another guy to me via social media. Why? Just subtle clues, thinking back that I recognize now. Also, this was her way of increase her SMV relative to mine. She was definitely a carousel rider, yet, I did not know the term or the concept at the time. I lived a sheltered life in that regards and believed the feminism propaganda of a woman being sexual liberated. Very naive of me.

She then ramps things up all of a sudden – frequent sex, idealization, best thing that ever happened to her etc. Even took on the role of holly homemaker for a while. Trust me – it was a role. She was diabolical in being able to stroke my ego and make me hear what I wanted to hear. Recognized now as emotional manipulation. Classic borderline behavior. Thanks for helping me realize that CPig.

This went on for 4-5 years until we were married. Systematically, she became my complete world – I lost touch with all my friends. The trap was set. I am firmly believed her plan was to have 1-2 kids and immediately kick me to the curb. Got lucky on that front.

Literally the day after we were married subtle passive-aggressive torture started. The devaluation phase. I have written a few posts in the past and won’t repeat the specifics in the interest of brevity. She isolate herself and kindly insist nothing was wrong. She made me feel like I was walking on egg shells and something was wrong with me for asking. Sex dwindled. Emotional closeness was out the window. Incessantly playing on her smart phone to all hours. Guarding it like a hawk. I repressed this and spun the plates more and more for less and less in return. Constantly switching from hot to cold. Making extremely hurtful and veiled comments out of the blue – hindsight is she was trying to bait me to leave so she could claim victim-hood.

She used to scoff at social media at thought it was stupid and insisted she would never lower herself to that level. Guess who had multiple accounts and dating profiles? – discovered much later after the breakup as I was never on social media save the one time when we first met. History repeats itself. I can’t help but wonder how many guys before and during our relationship/marriage this was done too.

The emotional and physical isolation became so bad that I finally confronted her. She then started phase 3 – discarding. It was like lighting a god-damn fuse on a stick of dynamite simply by asking what was wrong and insisting on an answer. Gas-lighting to the extreme ensued; I literally received every excuse in the book. Long story short – it was all my fault. The level of hostility was insane. Nothing worse then being the mayor of crazytown and realizing the only other resident is you.

Translation – she was caught and was not going to have her cake and eat it. No more having Chad’s on the side with beta bucks. She was not pregnant yet and had not ensnared me. I finally came to my senses and booked. I was rendered homeless for a brief period of time under threat of a false domestic accusation. The rest is history.

It has taken a few years for me to piece together these subtle dynamics – with the help of this website.

Thank you to all.

I’m sorry you suffered so much. But, the good news for us is that we still have the opportunity to change our own lives for the better and to live with a wisdom that can hopefully save us from making the same mistakes.

God bless peace and freedom.

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Tic wrote:

I’m sorry you suffered so much. But, the good news for us is that we still have the opportunity to change our own lives for the better and to live with a wisdom that can hopefully save us from making the same mistakes.

Agreed and thank you.

Trust me, compared to the stories of many, many other men here – I got off extremely light; some I wonder how they coped. I have been around this site since March 2015; I just recently rejoined active discussion – but I can tell you there have been some jaw-dropping situations.

I am extremely grateful for my life, liberty and sanity. I just hope to “play it forward” as it were.

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[Dr. SableParticipant 1064]

Tic wrote:

I guess some men never learn.

Society overwhelmingly does not want men to learn about their own state of affairs. Knowing that they need to work and sacrifice is all they need to learn . . . ‘giddy up boy, mush, mush!

Zero Tolerance

[Anonymous 11]

I’ve friends who absolutely must be in a relationship at all times. They will monkey branch very much like a woman straight into the next one whenever one ends. They are always complaining about how miserable they are yet they refuse to recognize the women as the cause of their misery. They are very much addicts.

Most will never want to taste the freedoms of having no carping hag in one’s life. It’s the miserable path they choose. Have you ever watched a married man beg his wife for permission to spend $5? I have twice witnessed this. It’s pathetic.

@EWO: Much obliged.

[bobphiloParticipant 1772]

Russky wrote:

bobphilo wrote:

As the great psychologist, Baumeister, put it. “Men are natural, women are social”. Men have a natural morality, women are shaped by the latest social fads. That’s why they are slaves to fashion. The current fad is to infidelity and promiscuity.

I see you’re familiar with Baumeister as well. I’ve only read his book on the Willpower and it was brilliant. How have you been exposed to his works?
P.S.: I looked up his bibliography and he has a book “Is There Anything Good About Men?: How Cultures Flourish by Exploiting Men, 2010” – have you read it and is it any good?
I also want to read what he had to say in his: “Your Own Worst Enemy: Understanding the Paradox of Self-Defeating Behavior” – this is the story of my life pretty much

So glad to see someone here who is familiar with Baumeister. I haven’t yet had the pleasure of reading his books but I have read some of his papers. particularly impressive is his paper “Gender and Erotic Plasticity – Social-Cultural Influences on Female Sex Drive”.
He boldly states that female sexual behavior is:
1) Much less stable and constant than male and is socially determined.
2) Female sex drive is lower than male.
3) Female’s have a low correlation between their stated values and their sexual behavior.
All of these make him unpopular to feminists.
As the country’s most respected social psychologist he puts the lie to the belief that all academics are feminists.
I would have loved to have attended one of his classes. Professors like this are essential to educating people.
Here’s the link to his seminal paper.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12491861_Gender_differences_in_erotic_plasticity_The_female_sex_drive_as_socially_flexible_and_responsive_Psychological_Bulletin_126_347-374.

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