Open Marriage

[uchibenkeiParticipant 7965]

Here’s an article I found in the Calgary Sun.
<h1 class=”title zero entry-title”>Thought about having an open marriage? Then read this</h1>
Would you take a year off from your marriage and let desire call the shots?

Author Robin Rinaldi did exactly that and wrote about her experiences in her new book, The Wild Oats Project: One Woman’s Midlife Quest for Passion at Any Cost.

Robin Rinaldi had a life that many of us would envy: A great job, a beautiful flat and a thoughtful, loving husband to whom she’d been married to for 16 years. However, when Rinaldi’s husband announced that he was getting a vasectomy and she realized she’d never get what she truly wanted out of life – a child – she took action, declaring “all bets are off.” She decided that if she couldn’t have a child, she was going to enter into an open marriage with her husband where she would spend a year sleeping with as many men (and women) as possible. The end product is The Wild Oats Project, a rollicking read that covers a year of sex, heartache and unexpected revelations.

Although there is plenty of very steamy sex to be found within the pages of The Wild Oats Project, the book isn’t just another gratuitous piece of erotic escapism. In this portrait of herself and her marriage, Rinaldi puts her faults on trial, preferring to self-incriminate rather than blame, revealing a nakedly honest account of one woman’s exploration of her sexuality and marriage.

Rinaldi is careful to point out at the beginning of the book that her story is equal parts a manifesto on personal freedom – and a cautionary tale. We can learn a lot from her experiences, namely that “projects” like Rinaldi’s are often fraught with emotional consequences, and you can never predict where the chips will fall when you’re through.

So, before you draw up a contract of your own with your beloved, here are a few things that we can learn from Rinaldi’s account of her year-long open marriage.

1. You and your partner might want different things out of the experience.

While Rinaldi is excited by the prospect of broadening her sexual horizons, she learns that her husband is more interested in having a meaningful connection with one or two people – a reality that creates conflict in their relationship.

Samantha Fraser is a relationship coach and author of Not Your Mother’s Playground: a realistic guide to honest, happy, and healthy open relationships. As she explains, coming to terms with the fact that you and your partner might want different things from an open marriage is one of the key challenges that couples face when entering into non-monogamy.

“Accepting that equality doesn’t always mean getting the same thing and that what’s more important is that everyone’s desires, wants, and feelings are being acknowledged, no matter how different they might be, is key to making it work,” says Fraser.

2. Boundaries are important and need to be respected.

When Rinaldi and her husband Scott embark on the “project” together, they set up very clear boundaries and rules. However, all hell breaks loose when both parties end up breaking the rules in different, but equally emotionally jarring ways. This leads to a lot of hurt, anguish, guilt and jealousy on both ends.

Cooper S. Beckett is the author of My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. As he explains, “Opening up to non-monogamy can feel like taking away all the safety nets below the high wire.” This is why many couples will establish rules such as “not in our bed” or “not with anyone we know” before entering into an open marriage. “Having rules and boundaries established can mitigate risk (when the rules are related to safer sex) and reduce jealous feelings (because you know your partner isn’t going to binge watch Daredevil with their new playmate and not wait for you),” says Beckett.

3. You owe it to yourself to explore your sexuality and be the most authentic version of yourself, however be aware that this may come at a price.

While completing The Wild Oats Project, Rinaldi found passion and unearthed a deeper understanding of herself as a person. We all owe it to ourselves to explore our sexuality so we can live as authentically as possible. However in Rinaldi’s case, this self-knowledge came at a cost. Namely, the eventual dissolution of her marriage. In other words, let your freak-flag fly – just be prepared the potential consequences of your actions.

I bathe in the tears of single moms.

[Anonymous 1]

uchibenkei wrote:

While completing The Wild Oats Project, Rinaldi found passion and unearthed a deeper understanding of herself as a person. We all owe it to ourselves to explore our sexuality so we can live as authentically as possible. However in Rinaldi’s case, this self-knowledge came at a cost. Namely, the eventual dissolution of her marriage. In other words, let your freak-flag fly – just be prepared the potential consequences of your actions

I love the hamster wheel on this one…

Geez…

[uchibenkeiParticipant 7965]

makes me wonder if the husband even knew she was going on this “journey of self discovery and awakening”.  the article says she decided to do this, not they as a couple.  vasectomy was the best thing that guy did.

I bathe in the tears of single moms.

[BeerParticipant 11832]

uchibenkei wrote:

She decided that if she couldn’t have a child, she was going to enter into an open marriage with her husband where she would spend a year sleeping with as many men (and women) as possible.

her husband is more interested in having a meaningful connection with one or two people

Hahaha…so she went out and turned into a whore while her husband found her replacement.  Something tells me he got an upgrade, while all she got was a few months of fun followed by years of regret.  Clearly she was only doing this to strike back at her husband for getting a vasectomy…looks like he won, twice.

[experiencedParticipant]

“…if the husband even knew she was going on this “journey of self discovery and awakening”.

Euphemism: a generally innocuous expression used in place of one that may be found offensive or suggest something unpleasant.

PUA:  “Tickle your ass with a feather      ???!!      cough cough”Typically nasty weather”

Drunk: “shshove a feather up your ass?”  ???!!     “uugghh….pretty f~~~ed up weather”

Truth: the husband here has gotten something shoved up his ass by her.

“journey of self discovery and awakening”.  give me an effing break. Slam dump the whore. “You want to get on the ‘c~~~ carousel’ now and stay married?” = He needs to get off the ‘c~~~ rollercoaster.’

 

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[Anonymous 1]

What amazes me on these “open marriages” and “open relationships” articles and advices is that, the current relationship suffers MOST OF THE TIMES and STILL THEY RECOMMEND this s~~~. And for what? So the women get more used up then she already is? The men, as far as the articles I read goes, seem to realize what f~~~ed up relationship this is and most times the relationship “ends”. And later on these women that needed to be f~~~ed by several men to “self-discover” wonder why they end up alone and no men in his right mind wants them.

The fact that this behavior not only is accepted, but APPLAUDED by other women speaks freaking volumes of their gender. And then they want to portrait MEN as the ones that are “sex addicts”.

Men, when they think they found a good woman, have self control. WOMEN DON’T, NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEIR PARTNER IS.

This “journey of self discovery and awakening” sounds more like an excuse to be whores.

The hamster wheel is indeed strong on this one.

[griffinParticipant 189]

Anonymous wrote:

Men, when they think they found a good woman, have self control. WOMEN DON’T, NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEIR PARTNER IS.

 

so true…

[experiencedParticipant]

Currently all marriages are open in that there’s nothing keeping her closed.  If it’s the woman’s choice to keep the marriage closed, couldn’t you achieve the same result by having a closed dating relationship, where it’s the woman’s choice to keep it closed without the risk of her temporarily destroying the guy in court, if she decides to open the relationship/legs/labia/hearing with her heels behind her ears?

she was going on this “journey of self discovery and awakening”:

 

 

 

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[RoyDalParticipant]

Beer wrote:

Hahaha…so she went out and turned into a whore while her husband found her replacement.

No, no, whores are professionals who expect to be paid. She is merely a hobbyist. Yes, I’d bet he got the upgrade, although he should have learned his lesson and stayed single. Once burned, twice shy, and all that.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

Oh man …. those video clips …. cant breath .. hahaha

Oh yes … she’s is indeed a whore ☺

[RennieParticipant]

If you did that to my relationship, you’d be out on your ass so quick.

[BeerParticipant 11832]

Rennie wrote:

If you did that to my relationship, you’d be out on your ass so quick.

Haha seriously…wtf is the point.  Its like having a slutty room mate you have to share a bed with who probably doesn’t even pay half of the bills.  You know what’s better than that?  EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous 1]

What I don’t get about this idea of open relationships, is this: what’s the point of having an emotional connection with someone, that is banging everyone else?

If you are horny, and want to go b~~~~ to the wall (in this case, vagina to the wall), fine, go for it, but don’t give me this crap of “you owe this to you and to your partner”. BULLS~~~. Speak for yourself. I see this really faulty logic on women where they claim they want a deep connection with one men (a.k.a someone to take care of HER emotional baggage), while arranging excuses for being able to f~~~ everyone else. They keep speaking about how a deep investment sex is for them, how TERRIBLE and DAMAGING is when their partner cheats on them, while desiring to filled by every dick available. They shame men for LOOKING at women, but they see no problem in being GANGBANGED.

So, what’s the point of having ANY sort of emotional investment on a person (a.k.a women) like that?

Good lord, just thinking about this gives me a headache…

[experiencedParticipant]

“Open Marriage”  = guy is sitting at the Loss Guaranteed Game Table (marriage). He’s about to be destroyed financially (uneasy perception that the mirrage is headed south). Then, as the last ray of hope against this, his noble female partner says, here’s what she’ll magnanimously do, she’ll put an offer on the table (open marriage) where he has a chance, if only he’ll go “all in.”  So, in hope of not losing he agrees to put his rock bottom self respect on the table with everything else.  The gals smile knowingly at each other.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[qeeqoParticipant 1168]

Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more! And take your herpesgonasyphilaids with you.

[Robert HallamParticipant 696]

Yeah!  An open marriage is very risky.  Note that they had been married for 16 years.  It appears as though she would have been about 36-40 and he say 38-42.   Still no kids.  Why does he want a vasectomy while she wants kids (very curious, there is the big question)?  Note that it was her decision in the first place (as her come-back position for the vasectomy)  and I’m assuming he just went along with it.  I was struck by the fact that he wanted just a couple of meaningful relationships out of the deal whereas she wanted to screw anything and everything.   Note too that this was supposedly a one-year project.  So yes, it appears as though it took less than a year to destroy the marriage.  I am assuming that they both discovered her faults and he found something a way lot better,  and she was still not pregnant after all that screwing.   I bet she discovered that she was nothing more than a cum dump to most of her partners, while the hubby was getting more satisfaction and discovered a better partner.  Does that mean she is now 2 years older,  slammed right into the wall, and back to square one?   Lot of missing information here.

[BeerParticipant 11832]

That was my take on it as well.  I just assumed it was one of those marriages where they agreed on no kids when they married in their early-mid 20s, then years later as the wall approached she changed her mind and he didn’t.  He said f~~~ that and got the vasectomy as an insurance policy, and she lost her mind because she realized he was actually holding her to her word even though she changed her mind, and she was powerless to do anything about it.

I’ve seen women do this same s~~~, but its usually during or shortly after a divorce or one of those live in relationships where they break up but are stuck living together til they can sell the house, or the lease ends in a couple months or whatever.  I’ll never understand how they think going into complete slut mode will somehow make the boyfriend/husband/soon to be ex/ex want them more, be jealous, think he’s walking away from an attractive woman because all guys want her, or missing out on something.  Yeah…clearly those half drunk guys your dragging home from bars at closing time that spend one night with you think your such an amazing woman!  I could only ever imagine if I was ever in this situation, every dude she f~~~ed would be one more reason I’d be glad to be splitting up with her, and the few women I have known to go this route all have had massive regrets about it after the fact.  Not so much regret that the relationship ultimately ended, but that they pretty much got used as a cum dumpster trying to prove a point to a guy who simply didn’t care, and in the end they realized just that.

[experiencedParticipant]

Saw the ex go into slut mode, trowelled on eye makeup, [laughing at this now] she studied me,  didn’t have the heart to crush her, just thought, “You stupid pig, you see neither what you’ve become, nor the zero balance of feeling left for you.”  I don’t think modern laydeez have the slightest notion how often they are left unscathed by men.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[Robert HallamParticipant 696]

Sorry “Experienced”  I didn’t quite get what you mean.  I take it that your ex doesn’t realize that she has now become a slut and looks like it from the amount of makeup she troweling on.   That you didn’t have the heart to tell her she now looks like a slut since you no longer have feelings for her.  And that modern women don’t have the slightest notion how ofter they are simply viewed as nothing more than cum dumpsters to PUA and guys trolling the bars.

[experiencedParticipant]

Robert Hallam’s, “Sorry “Experienced” I didn’t quite get what you mean.  I take it that your ex doesn’t realize that she has now become a slut and looks like it from the amount of makeup she troweling on.  

She became a slut, ergo took on the appearance of one. With history being recent, she tried to see how much I still cared for her.  I could see the appearance for what it meant, and her mental functioning as a severe vulnerability. The not ‘crushing her’ was moral choice. It’s not something I’m proud nor ashamed of, it’s just something not to do. This is a male-wide phenomena IMO.

That you didn’t have the heart to tell her she now looks like a slut since you no longer have feelings for her.  

see above

 

And that modern women don’t have the slightest notion how ofter they are simply viewed as nothing more than cum dumpsters to PUA and guys trolling the bars. 

nonono, That was never said nor meant.  What was meant:  many modern women have no idea how many times men have chosen to neither verbally nor psychologically hurt them [albeit completely deezerved] because of men’s morals. They laydeez in the dynamic act of pushing out the perimeter xx feet, when actually men have already been stretching allowing this [open marriage], but since the laydeez hear nothing, they ASSume that they are well within the limits of non-obnoxious behavior?

A woman in the same scenario and book might well have said, “look at you! look at you! look at the whore that you’ve become.”

You want to take the high road, but all too often the cumulative effect is severely unjust to men.  Yes that’s the six million dollar question.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[Author]

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