Going monk is the only choice that I saw in my life from day one really. I can’t say that I have ever had a real intimate relationship in my life. Not even from my parents. They mostly ignored me most of my life and when they didn’t they found a way to f~~~ me over. I don’t trust them at all now and I seriously doubt they care if I come out ok in the end. Especially my mother she just wants me to get hitched and have grandbabies, but damn I hate kids. I’ve never had friends that I could hang out with. The closest I’ve had to a girlfriend was a long distance relations~~~ that turned into a big f~~~ up. No one I could ever speak my mind to. Honestly, I don’t know if this is something I really want but I feel it is something that I need.
Being close to someone is something I am terrified of. I don’t understand relationships between people at all, but I want to. It seems like most people just play games with each other and I can’t for anything see why we even tolerate each other for one second. The most important thing in my life is finding a purpose and something I want to put forth into the world that I also love whatever that may be. I want relationships with others (even women although I don’t want to go through the dating process at all) but I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve had or the future I can have. I’ve had to realize that love and someone caring for you a shred is something that will never happen to anyone. I’d venture on to say that everyone is at least 90% solipsistic and believe that only themselves exist (Except women. They are 100% solipsistic). As a man, I don’t think anyone would want to deal with me unless they were getting something from me. I don’t have a social life, I’m not rich and I am not much of a looker. I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Hell, I feel like I was dead until taking the red pill a few years ago.
I’ve been trying monk mode for a while but goddamn its hard when you don’t know where you’re going, still under 30 and have some serious trust issues to go through. But seeing this post made me feel a bit better about it. Maybe I should find someone I can trust for a little while. No matter how idiotic it sounds. But unfortunately I am a human still and I can’t change that. No matter how much I want to. Although I don’t see myself in any lasting relationship with anyone lasting longer than a few months. I have almost no patience for others. I’m used to telling people to f~~~ off if they even seem like a waste of time. But I don’t want to get attached to someone and they either hold me back or they change and f~~~ me over in the future. So in the social realm, I’m still not sure what path I should take. But at least I’m starting to get some type of idea I guess.
