Home › Forums › Marriage & Divorce › Mediation – Worth it or not?
This topic contains 29 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by 
JustAnotherGuy 1 year, 7 months ago.
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So, as a follow up to a post I put up a while ago:
I got a completely bogus DV Restraining order on me back in December. It’s crap. The commissioner was a complete nutless mangina. Needless to say, c~~~-muffin has taken the order and ran with it.
That aside, we have transferred the hearing of the custody of our kid to mediation. I am currently on supervised visits. Both kiddo and I want out. We have agreed to try and do this ourselves with a counselor-mediator, but I doub’t she’ll show up even though the order we signed with the attorneys says each of us shall participate.
This is the “no-cost” option as I get the counseling service for free through work. Obviously this is what I would like to do since it would be the same actions for no cost.
If this doesn’t work, and we have to go a lawyer/mediator, what’s been the experience with them? Worth it, or say the hell with it and roll the dice at court. I should add that we are trying to negotiate a final plan, something that will be a solid framework for the next 12 years.Thank you!
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
Anonymous43my mediator was a total asshole of the first order. The c~~~ raised an objection in the first 10 minutes, and the mediator stopped the proceedings and wrote in his report that I was unreasonable, and mediation was not going to work for us.
What was the objection she raised? She didn’t like the agenda that I wrote for the meeting, yet she is a highly paid business manager type person who knows you don’t hold a meeting without an agenda. I wrote up a list of issues to cover, and she didn’t like it.
That started us down a very expensive and painful road. I had many logical and reasonable offers, ideas, and suggestions, and all crushed. Any idea I had was s~~~, because it was my idea. After 6 years of this, I walked away. When a job came up two states away came up I took it, just to escape her bulls~~~. I thought I had a long term plan, too, but that fell apart through the c~~~’s manipulation of the court.
Good luck with your mediator. I was hoping this idiot was going to save us time, money, pain. Given the bitch I was married to, I should have known better.
My advice: Be calm, be pleasant. Keep what you can, give up something symbolic, something with inflated value that you just can’t live without, and agonize over losing it. This will be her trophy for crushing you. In reality, it means nothing. I traded a 15 year old mountain bike for not having to pay school activities for 2 kids. This included music lessons, band camp, foreign travel, athletic and driver ed fees. Oh I loved that bike, rode it thousands of miles, towed my kids in a trailer with it, customized with amazing parts. I’m 6 feet tall, she is 5 foot 6, can’t possibly ride it the frame is too tall. Why would she want it? Spite. Denial of pleasure.
Yeah, I bought a newer and better bike, off the hook for thousands of dollars in kid’s activities, they both went to band camps every summer, I think for $5000 each kid, each summer for 6 years for one kid and 3 years for the other. jr high and hs band camp.
giving up my precious bike saved me maybe $60,000 in kid activity fees.
this was the next higher model than my bike:
buy it now $140.
Kid custody is a joke. I had my time taken away through the courts. C~~~ would buy a cruise, during my time, then spring it on me with a week to go. we go to court, and because the c~~~ spent thousands of dollars 6 months ago, I had to lose my time. Oh the kids have a parade on your weekend, tough s~~~ pal. Oh the kids are traveling to Europe for Christmas its too cost prohibitive for them to travel back to see you for Christmas day, Oh well.
Good luck with your fight. I lost damn near every time, and now I am out of my kids’ lives.
I should add that we’re already divorced, have been for almost 2 years, and she’s remarried. It’s simply about the kid at this point.
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
IMHO
Mediation will only work if there is the desire for a mutually beneficial compromise.
So in custody/divorce situations it is rarely practicable unless you have money to burn. It is just a force of will, and lack of beneficial compromise that a judge and jury don’t see.There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it
I should add that we’re already divorced, have been for almost 2 years, and she’s remarried. It’s simply about the kid at this point.
Miediator? F~~~ that!
Continue the supervised visits.
Don’t deal with the C~~~. Don’t believe ONE single f~~~ing word that escapes her lips, ever.
Don't let them Blame, Shame or Tame you!
Give 'em NOTHING, not even an answer!
#GenderSegragationNow!You are wasting your time. Her mission in life is to cause you harm.
Get a smart lawyer and a PI. Then crush her.
Anonymous1I went to a couple of court-ordered mediations during the lengthy separation/divorce bloodletting. It was entirely to see if the exes could save the judge from having to work. That said…
If your divorce was final some time ago, you obviously have court-decreed custody, visitation, and support specified. If the mediation fails, you must see the judge again, in court…my speculation is that you must be able to answer these 4 questions:Judge: Why should there be a modification to what the previous superlative, infallible judge ruled in this case?
Judge: I see that you tried mediation…why didn’t that work?
Judge: What is in the best interest of the child?
Judge: What would make the woman the happiest?
1. You have to show that there has been a substantive change in the situation (you vs. kid vs. ex). This might be a change in your or your kid’s behavior/relationship, distance, money situation, etc., or in your wife’s situation.
2. You have to be able to show that you came to mediation to negotiate, not demand, and you should be able to show that you tried moving to the middle, you offered “gives” for your “takes” and you made several offerings, that the ex wife refused to consider. In other words, SHE was unwilling to budge, despite your several offered sacrifices.
3. The best interest of the child is the basic question…if you can’t show how the modification will benefit the child (NOT YOU), the judge will have no reason to modify the original decree.
4. If the ex wife can, she will crush you, regardless of whether her preference is in the best interest of the child.
I’m sure you are aware that a modification of percentage of days is a modification of money from you to the ex wife. You may have a much better chance of modification if you do not attempt to have the court re-run the support numbers to lower what you pay the ex wife. In other words, if you can say “no change in percentage/math/money to the ex wife, merely a modification of the details of WHICH days, WHICH weekends, etc.”, you might be able to swing it.
The mediator Richard Cranium will write a note to the judge, whether you all came to any agreement, and might add details of your demeanor, willingness to give, etc.
Some mediations prohibit lawyers, some permit lawyers, some expect lawyers. If this is a mediation where you and the ex can come to an agreement without the lawyers, and the mediator writes the details of the requested change, it MIGHT simply need to be forwarded to the judge (by the mediator), and after a few weeks of the judge “getting around to it”, the judge signs it and it is filed/finalized.
Bon Chance Mon Frere.
[oh, and nice C-12 avatar!]
Anonymous1And another thing…at the risk of telling you what you should already know..
It makes absolutely zero difference what “deal” or “arrangement” you and your ex come to…the only thing that matters is what the judge signs.
Let’s say you and your ex agree that you get the kid 25% more days, and she will accept 10% less child support money from you. Sounds cool, she should be fine with that…so you start doing it [based on merely a “deal” you and your ex made, to “save each other the pain and expense of court.”]
6 months or 6 years from now, she drags you to court, for not paying the full amount specified in the judge-signed decree. You will get punished on top of having to pay all that missed $ back to your wife. But, but, your honor, we had a deal, it was even in writing!
Judge: What was the last written decision of the court?
You: Um…Umm…Ummm
Judge: You’re delinquent. Pay all arrears now. Pay x in penalty. Here’s your additional kick in the b~~~~. By the way, Lady, you’re looking lovely today. How else has this dirtbag made you unhappy?Give her any less than the judge-signed decree and you’re delinquent.
Give her any more than the judge-signed decree and you’re merely giving her a gift. It does not take the place of anything, it is not an advance, it is free extra dough for her.
Anonymous43Daym, forsaken laying it down…
Absolutely right, a mediator can write up some agreement you and the c~~~ work out, and the judge could scrap it.
A mediator writes a recommendation, not an order. whatever the best interest of the child is, trumps logic, reason, good intentions and the phase of the moon. Judge figures that out.
When I got my job 2 states away, there wasn’t time to f~~~ around in court. My lawyer got a series of continuances and postponements until I could deal with court issues and not get fired from my job. So I went back for an adjustment of child support 8 months later. I was looking for a deal, and I was absolutely crushed, and parenting time was adjusted to zero. Unfortunately, the retroactive portion of the child support order was more than I could afford, and knocked me out of my apartment and into a tent for 5 months.
The only scrap of paper that means anything is the one the judge signs and enters as an order. The order is what sets the police and the judicial mechanism into motion when someone fails to live up to their end of the deal. Verbal and mediator notes will not protect anyone in this case.
My lawyer would meet with the c~~~ and her lawyer every time we had a court date, to figure out what she wanted, and what I was willing to do/pay for/give up. This saved many days of trial phase and possibility of contempt.
You have to realize that mediation, and even a judge’s order, are really only going to be enforceable constraints on you because you are a filthy male.
Any perceived “benefit” you believe you have gained can simply be ignored by the ex without any penalty.
Remember. She has the vagina and that will never change.
I recommend you accept whatever you currently have unless you are absolutely certain that you will achieve what you seek without losing more than you can imagine by reentering the Thunderdome.
Speaking as somebody who has heard about several divorces, mediation has been a complete waste of energy/money/time for the man, and has potentially made his situation even worse; it is just another way for the woman to barter an even better deal for herself in the situation and to try to inflame/manipulate the man in to making her look like the better party. When a marriage is over, there’s no point in flogging a dead horse, in my opinion. The Courts virtual always side with the mother/woman, so why waste your energy/time/money in fighting a done deal? It shouldn’t be a done deal, but the reality is, it is. The reality is, as a man involved in a divorce, you have to be mentally prepared to just walk away from everything that is/was within the household/marriage.
This is why you NEVER co-habit/date/marry (or even have sex with, in the first place) a woman nowadays. The system is fundamentally rigged against men, due to Feminist infiltration.
I think it depends on the situation. I went through mediation and it went rather smoothly. The mediator we had was actually a friend of my lawyer, so there was little chance that I was going to get screwed over. As well, my ex hated the process and mostly just wanted to be done. I also wasn’t asking for anything out of the ordinary.
For OPs case, I don’t it would be very productive. If your only talking about custody, there isn’t really a lot to negotiate and compromise on. Still, I think it’s something you have to go through. If your ex doesn’t show, I think it will be a big mistake on her part. Just go through it and mentally prepare yourself as logical and unemotional as possible.
As an aside, I actually had a female lawyer, and I think that worked out well for me. She was a real bitch and hated the idea of lazy women taking money away from men who worked hard. It really downplayed my exes ability to play the woman card. In hindsight, it probably didn’t hurt that my lawyer was on the attractive side.
Ok. Then do it.
I found mediation worthwhile. It helped that my ex just wanted everything to be over quickly (as it turns out so she could move in with Chad right away). The mediator was free for 3 meetings. We used the mediator only to set up a parenting plan. We couldn’t agree on any of the financial matters (she wanted too much gold). The mediator probably ended up saving me a few thousand dollars. He was also good at keeping us focused. Negotiations would often veer into negative territory and name calling.
I’m going to mediation soon. I hope for the best and plan for the worst. Cheers gents!
A co-worker recently told me, "If you want to see who someone really is, divorce them." I have found out how true this is. When your wife drops the façade of being the caring partner, you will witness all of the greed, hate, and spite that she has masked. It is truly breathtaking!
Update:
Well, so far so good. My situation is similar to Narwhal’s in that she just wants the conversation over because she’s complaining about how much it all cost. Without missing a beat I said “remember, this is all your doing. Drop the nonsense and this all goes away.”
We did, however, get through about 60% of the parenting plan on the first go-round with another one scheduled for later this week. There was, of course, about 10 wasted minutes of emotional ranting from her which really annoyed me. All the time I just sat there thinking “this is 10 minutes we could have spent on something more constructive.” It certainly was a red-pill moment that confirmed that female-emotion trumps any sort of linear logic they might have that is actually in the best interest of anyone, let alone their own kid.
Whatever. The only encouraging moment was at the end when we talked off-line and she expressed interest in keeping this route and finishing because it was cheaper. Notice nothing was said about getting this worked out for the best interest of our kid, which is what it should be about. Proof positive they just don’t care about anything but themselves.
Never again.
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
Next update:
I’d like to call this one: “A funny thing happened on the way to the bank.”
Interesting what happens when you put a cost to things. I told her We were about out of free sessions and there was going to start being a cost associated with these meetings. I sent her an email stating that and showed a breakdown of what the cost would be. I then suggested that it would be easier, faster, and cheaper that, rather than play hardball, think about what you could live with and is reasonable and we go from there.
When we met up for the discussion she started off with some emotional crap, got it out of the way, and then proceeded to blame me for the delays and said something to the effect of “we’re up against a financial wall here, and we need to get this done.”
F~~~ing interesting. You’ll play mind games when it’s free, but when there is your own money on the line, then you’ll want to get things done. Typical.
Needless to say that we got 90% of the way complete. I am going to give this next session one more shot then say it’s off to a legal mediator where she’ll have to pay up front.
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
Two points I think are worth nothing.
In my state, there is standard language for parental rights and child support. We essentially went with that, which was recommended by both sets of lawyers, so there wasn’t really much discussion on that. Does your state have the same?
Also, my mediation was only one session. We got it all done in about 2-3 hours. My ex was not really prone to emotional outbreaks, but even then, we were not in the same room for the mediation. I and my lawyer were in one conference room, while she and her’s were in another one down the hall. The moderator went back and forth between the two of us. It cut down on emotional pleas and allowed me (and her) to speak freely without stuff being taken out of context by sensitive ears.
If you end up having to pay for additional mediation, you might want to assistance on a setup similar to this.
Ok. Then do it.
I had my mediation session and wow was it an eye opener. My STBxW has demurred her terms for a while now, but I’ve now heard them.
The mediator, a lawyer, returned to our conference room and sat down. She let out a sigh and apologized that she did not think she would be able to mediate our divorce. She said she had never seen someone who had so entrenched a fantasy in their head of what they were owed. She said that STBxW was so far removed from an equitable split that there was no way to progress mediation. The mediator listed her demands and my lawyer and I repeatedly were floored by them. Her demands were beyond reasonable and became ridiculous and tyrannical.
We’re now set to see the judge.
A co-worker recently told me, "If you want to see who someone really is, divorce them." I have found out how true this is. When your wife drops the façade of being the caring partner, you will witness all of the greed, hate, and spite that she has masked. It is truly breathtaking!
In my state, there is standard language for parental rights and child support. We essentially went with that, which was recommended by both sets of lawyers, so there wasn’t really much discussion on that. Does your state have the same?
For some things. We have pretty much gone with it. We are just working through some of the holiday breaks like Xmas and summer. There isn’t a standard language for that. I think we’ll just go with a week on – week off type of thing with a break in the middle. I don’t know, that part is at least a legitimate discussion with logistics that need to be worked out.
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
Latest update.
Finished the plan and got through all the vacations holidays etc. Got an email about a day later saying “open the document back up for editing” I still have questions.She’s stalling, or trying to intentionally frustrate the process and it’s more annoying than it is “upsetting”. It’s just what I have come to expect. However, there is progress.
If it floats, flies, or fucks, it is cheaper to rent....
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