I wrote this back in August of 2011, a few weeks after breaking off my engagement to a hot Japanese belly dancer I’d been seeing off and on for a year. It was my explanation to myself for why I did not want to get married… when I first understood how critical an error I had so very nearly made. I dumped her, thought it over a few days, wrote this, then took the ring (a small but nice vintage piece) and had it melted down and remade into a beer tab necklace pendant as a reminder to myself.
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I almost fell for it. I almost convinced myself that what I needed to be happy was to settle down and get married. Maybe I was lonely, maybe just wanting to try something different… maybe I was completely delusional.
It took me about three weeks from the day I proposed to reach the point of calling it off. In those three weeks I discovered that while she talked a lot about how important it was for us to make time to do our own things, she became increasingly clingy and unwilling to let me out of her sight. I learned that, though she may have a lot of friends, she has no interest in meeting, getting to know or letting me spend any time with my friends. I also learned that she had a problem with how I’d spent my money in the past but apparently felt little shame in letting me pay for everything she wanted or needed, including shipping in her family for the little wedding that was becoming a big wedding we had agreed not to have.
Yes, I dodged a bullet. But who couldn’t dodge it when it was so badly mis-fired? I mean, seriously… don’t they teach girls how to hook a man any more? It was pathetic.
I had to sit down and ask myself… Take a moment and think about it seriously. What in the world would ever possess you to get married? You’ve got it all already… a decent job, a place of your own, a sense of who you are and opportunities to make your life better. You’ve got your close friends and your family and there’s always someone new working at the local coffee shop or restaurant to flirt with. You can spend your money however you want, go to bed and wake up whenever you want, wear whatever you want, take your vacations wherever you want, eat, look at, talk to and spend your time and energy on whatever and whomever you want. Getting married is just going to mess that all up. Think about paying all her bills… trips to visit her family in F~~~wit, Texas or whatever s~~~hole they live in… being pressured into getting a plant then a dog and then a kid… having to replace your favorite leather chair with an ugly cloth loveseat so she can sit in your lap all the time while you’re trying to enjoy yourself. Think of not being able to enjoy yourself… how are you going to take a leak in the shower when she can smell it or rub one out at your computer when she’s going to find the evidence?
You don’t need a wife… you can do all the good stuff with a string of girlfriends. A new girlfriend is applying for the job of making you think your life is better with her around so she is going to be on her good behavior… she’ll dress nice and show up with a smile and do the things you like and pull overtime to get that promotion. But you let one of them have it and she’ll stake out the corner office and sit around with her feet on what used to be your desk while you’re stuck out on the floor doing all the heavy lifting. It’s not worth it.
Here’s my advice to you… take your pick of one of the following two:
1) Keep on dating like you’re looking for Miss. Right but enforce a strict expiration period on every relationship. When you get to the six month mark, start planning your exit and never, EVER let a relationship go on more than one year.
2) Have your friends and family and flirt partners who make your life worthwhile but only actually date with women you HATE. This will keep you from getting too serious about any one girl and, let’s face it, the sex will be a lot better.
Either way you choose to go, you MUST do the following:
a) Never introduce a girl to your parents. They will side with her to try to bring you down just as surely as they will slag her for bleeding you dry after she’s gone. Your mom wants nothing more than to have some girl castrate you like she did your dad, if only to make sure you don’t go squandering all the resources that she and the other women in your family have already laid claim to.
b) Never let a girl get a “foothold” in your apartment. She will start by asking for her own toothbrush… as if that wasn’t her X all over your Y just a few minutes ago. Then she’ll leave her panties between your sheets or some bit of jewelry embedded in the carpet under your bed where the next woman who sleeps over is sure to find it. That’s how it starts. You let her leave anything behind or make any mark on your space and she’s got you. Like kudzu or space aliens, it’s a lot easier to repel the invaders before they can dig in than to get rid of them after they’ve put down some roots.
c) Never let her be the man. You let her take the lead in your relationship and guess what? You get to be the girl. Don’t tell her your problems, don’t ask her advice, don’t let her drive the car, don’t follow her directions and don’t EVER go to the shoe store or the tea shop or the flea market with her. You make the decisions and you pay the bills. As soon as she starts contributing, she’ll start expecting a say in the decision making and you can’t let that happen. You pick the restaurant, you order the wine, you speak to the staff and you decide when, where and how the night will end. Let her wear the pants even once and you’ll never get them back.
d) Do not… I repeat DO NOT allow yourself to get suckered in by romance. Romance = mystery = she’s got a plan and you’re going to get it in the end. Nothing disperses the fog of war that women call “romance” quicker than real talk about what YOU expect from a relationship so get clear about it. You have a regular night you always go drinking or a plan to take separate holidays or you intend to pull a three-way with her and the barista from the corner coffee shop… you’d better lay down the rules up front so that she knows where you’re coming from and that you’re not going to let her take control. If she wants to be a part of your life, she’s welcome to either join in the fun you’ve planned for yourself already or move on and find someone else to get her teeth into.
In summary: As a man it is your right and your responsibility to live your life on your own terms. Handle your business and the woman in your life will respect you. Fail to do this, however… play the part of the love-smitten Romeo and let her get you wrapped around her finger and it’s champagne and flowers and jewelry and a car and a house and kids and a painful, expensive and humiliating divorce for you.
JollyMisanthrope 5 years, 1 month ago.
