Just found out that my father died early last year (2015)

[HammerheadParticipant 362]

A female friend (with benefits) recently gave me a gift subscription to one of those websites where you trace your family history. This morning, I finally put in my name and those of my parents. A notice popped up immediately, so I followed the link to what turned out to be an obituary for my father.

We had not spoken since I joined the Marine Corps in the early 1980’s (for what turned into a twenty-year career). I had a marriage and two children during that time, and he never bothered to acknowledge their existence. My divorce was finalized at the end of 2015, so it was a momentous year…but little did I realize how much so.

I really don’t know how I feel. I regret that he was such a cold, indifferent person who never told me that he loved me or was proud of me. He chose to never experience the joy of spending time with his only grandchildren.

I mourn the absence of a father who was never on my side, and made me never trust others, never helped me learn how to make friends, how to be a man, but rather to stay alone. I was lucky that my mother cared so deeply for me and supported me, and that my maternal grandfather helped me survive the mental indifference and cruelty of my father. My grandfather stepped in and helped me understand how to be a man…and that saved my life.

Sorry, I know this doesn’t seem like much of a MGTOW topic, but I just had to vent some of this, to try to process it.

My father had a chance to matter to his bloodline, but he never made any effort, and at last I can let that tiny flame of hope in me that he would realize his mistake and make some effort, if only on his deathbed, die. We can never know what could have been, and that saddens me. He doesn’t deserve any tears from me, but they fall, unwelcome, nonetheless. And I feel like a foolish man in my upper 50’s, trapped into feeling something that doesn’t matter anyway.

Never underestimate the impact that you can have on a young man, if only through a few kind words and an understanding smile. We men matter. Take care of each other…there is only one lifetime, and it is all too brief.

[Anonymous 42]

Sorry for your loss hammerhead.

[TwistParticipant]

Hammerhead wrote:

We had not spoken since I joined the Marine Corps in the early 1980’s

Hammer,

Some strong parallels for me. My parents divorced when I was in my 20’s, he moved out with nothing much more than his stamp collection. That was in the mid 1980’s. I married, divorced in 2014, and had two daughters. Whether he knew or not, I don’t know. He send one letter after leaving, and over 30 years of silence followed.

I don’t know if he is dead or alive.

Hammerhead wrote:

I really don’t know how I feel. I regret that he was such a cold, indifferent person who never told me that he loved me or was proud of me. He chose to never experience the joy of spending time with his only grandchildren.

I don’t know how I would feel in knowing if he is dead or alive. And I don’t know if I will ever know. I have been easily found over these 30+ years. Not a word.

I have learned more about being a man from this web site of strangers brothers then I ever learned from my father.

Peace to you.

[LazarrevicParticipant 63]

Reading this gave me goosebumps, sorry for your loss Hammerhead.

Hammerhead wrote:

I really don’t know how I feel. I regret that he was such a cold, indifferent person who never told me that he loved me or was proud of me.

Don’t see yourself as the problem of this bad relationship, it was his free decision to do so.

I mourn the absence of a father who was never on my side, and made me never trust others, never helped me learn how to make friends, how to be a man, but rather to stay alone.

I know you did a much better job with your children and that is important. You should be proud of it. Not for growing up under these conditions, rather for not letting your children experience what you had to experience.

“If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't.”

[RoyDalParticipant]

A valuable lesson, thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[OgreParticipant 5863]

Hammerhead, your post shows your anger and confusion with his choices. I’m retired AF, and my parents (plural) visited almost everywhere I was ever stationed.

His failures aren’t yours, and they’ve probably increased your resolve to be different. I wish for your piece of mind that he could have done better, but your history may as well be set in stone now.

Be a better father, even if you’ve made mistakes in the past. I’m sorry mostly that you found out the way you did. He was the one who lost more in his stubbornness.

I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.

[Anonymous 42]

Twist wrote:

I have learned more about being a man from this web site of strangers brothers then I ever learned from my father.

That’s one of the nicest things I’ve read about this site, Thanks Twist, that makes all of us look and feel good.

[Anonymous 6]

Hammerhead wrote:

Never underestimate the impact that you can have on a young man, if only through a few kind words and an understanding smile. We men matter. Take care of each other…there is only one lifetime, and it is all too brief.

Powerful words you typed there brother, sorry for your loss Hammerhead, you take care of yourself as well.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Hammerhead wrote:

A notice popped up immediately, so I followed the link to what turned out to be an obituary for my father.

I’ve been there brother and know exactly what you mean. I’ve been through it TWICE. I was born in Germany and my birth mother put me up for adoption when I was about a year old. My foster parents raised me but I was always treated like “damaged goods” by them. when I finished law school and couldn’t find a job they dis-owned me and refused to have anything further to do with me.

Over the next 25 years I lived in the same town as they did and I only heard from my dad once. He wrote me a letter–if you can believe that—telling me what a useless scum-bag, disappointment I was…yadda yadda. I didn’t stay unemployed forever and after many years advancing my career I was in a good position with a good salary.

One day a friend of mine E-mails me an obituary, and says hey man is this your mom? Of course it was and do you think anyone in the family bothered to let me know? NOT. My dad died almost a year to the day afterwards. He had some kind of cancer that was operable but chose instead to let it kill him. He never spoke to me or communicated with me. In his will he expressed his “feelings” and left me $1. I guess it was supposed to be an insult. At first I was mad but in the end I said who needs ya. His estate attorney told me that in his 25 years of practice he had encountered bitter family disputes and arguments and hurt feeling but when it came to my father he had NEVER dealt with such a level of acrimony and hatred in his life. He found it difficult to understand.

Now I said I’ve been through this same thing twice. I found my birth mother after many many years. She lives somewhere outside of Munich. I wrote to her twice–providing paperwork proving who I was and who she was. Think I got a reply? Think again. Silence.

So yes I get what you are going through. But I’ve come to terms with it and I’m at peace with it. I understand the animosity, belligerence and antipathy were THEIR problem, not mine. They tried to make it mine but I deny ownership! That is their weight and they must bare it not me…and in your case not you. Don’t let them make you take ownership of their issues. That’s my advice.

[Greg HondaParticipant 6406]

@ Pete, I’m adopted too and it put a feeling of never really belonging to anything on me. Always the outsider. I’ll never know who my dad was, my mum I know has thought of me (another story). Being adopted sets us apart. We have always had to make our own way. Looks like you found the right way. Wish I could say the same.

It's Time to get Wise

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

Sorry for your loss and sorry for his loss too. He denied himself more than he will ever realize.

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Greg Honda wrote:

Being adopted sets us apart.

It does indeed. And the unasked Taboo question is ALWAYS why didn’t my parents care about me—this in turn creates in our minds the notion that there must be something wrong with us. Are we really the stone that the builder rejected? My foster parents used this as a device to hold over me for a long time, and tried to make me feel worthless, so I would shower them with gratitude for sort of picking up someone else’s trash. Since you are adopted yourself you know what I mean. Until one day I realized that being rejected by my natural parents DID NOT mark me with some kind of “sign of Cain”.

In a way it makes us MGTOW almost from birth. Because we learn not to give a f~~~ about anyone who can’t or won;t recognize our intrinsic value as people. Screw ’em.

[SmeeParticipant 228]

What can I say – even a man can be a C~~~ !!

I don’t know if he had any issues or history that made him like this, but it seems you haven’t allowed his mistakes to continue.

You’re the new evolved Dad 2.0, the new improved version.

As far as venting goes – feel free, we all need to.

The tears should not be unwelcome – they are part of grieving, and that is what you are doing.

Being a man does not preclude feelings and emotions, the strongest amongst us shed a tear every now and then.

Peace and happiness brother,

Smee Again

[Anonymous 43]

The way things are going, the only way my daughters will learn about my future passing will be through a website. I don’t expect to hear from them ever again.

My kids will remember me hopefully as a kind generous person who taught them life skills and loved them very much. I hope they Will forget the days and months their mother poisoned them. God rot that c~~~ from the inside out with venomous cancers. What she did to our family was unspeakable. What she did so Chad Thunderc~~~’s family was tragic. One c~~~ wrecked two families…for what?

[Anonymous 5]

We had the same thing with my brothers kids they were taken by cps.a long court battle and five years of fighting for them and my dad and mom never got them I don’t even remember what they look like . It was a because of the women in my brothers life it wasn’t his fault he was working 20 hour shifts but his wife molested the kids and other things . Another thing and I know it may sound stupid I wish the best for you . I miss my brother taken to soon 31 years old.

[BoarParticipant]

Hammerhead wrote:

He doesn’t deserve any tears from me, but they fall, unwelcome, nonetheless. And I feel like a foolish man in my upper 50’s, trapped into feeling something that doesn’t matter anyway.

The death of hope for reconciliation is one of the bitterest losses a man can endure. I am sorry for all of your losses.

I cannot promise that time will make any of this less painful or more clarified. Perhaps the only purpose you can give to this pain is to bear witness to it and share your story so others can understand how we matter to each other.

In the meantime, please know that you walk among brothers who care.

Untamed wrote: Quit complaining and Go Your Own Way in whatever manner suits you best.

[HammerheadParticipant 362]

Gentlemen,

Thank you all for the kind words, and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s the outpouring of understanding and shared experience of my fellow men, freely given, that makes me cherish this website.

It was a hard day, but – like taking the red pill – I feel better for knowing the truth, despite the pain. Tomorrow is another day, and it will be better, and I will dedicate myself to becoming a better person for my experiences, both good and bad.

Thank you from the depths of my heart, brothers.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Epic post, Hammerhead.

Heartbreaking, and heartwarming to read others at the same time.

Thank you for sharing it.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[ConstantineParticipant 4416]

Thanks for sharing Hammerhead. A person’s silence can speak volumes. Sorry for your loss.

To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle. -Orwell

[VarunParticipant 2981]

Yours is a story of inspiration, Mr. Hammerhead.

At least you had your grand-father and grandmother take care of you and each you a few things. I lost my father when I was but a year old, and there weren’t really any father figures in my life.

Your feeling of hopelessness resonates with me very well.

Hammerhead wrote:

My father had a chance to matter to his bloodline, but he never made any effort, and at last I can let that tiny flame of hope in me that he would realize his mistake and make some effort, if only on his deathbed, die.

Never underestimate the impact that you can have on a young man, if only through a few kind words and an understanding smile. We men matter. Take care of each other…there is only one lifetime, and it is all too brief.

Sometimes I think living the typical MGTOW lifestyle would work to the detriment of young men/boys in our lives.

Just think about it; if you ever had a son of your own, you can never be the “I’m free, idgaf” type of mgtow…. because you HAVE to give a f~~~ for your child’s sake.

The idgaf factor really contradicts with what you have said, about needing to care for those who still have to find their place in the world. Its a very hard decision to make. Its a battle that everyone following his path has to fight.

Peace.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

[Author]

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