Interview Rhetoric Needed

[AvidAvariceParticipant 223]

Right after I typed all of this up, I noticed that Fearless already had a similar thread. This is a bit redundant but, seeing as I already typed all this up, might as well post.

Alright brothers, this will probably be pretty long, and it’ll be half getting a bit of bulls~~~ off my chest, and half a plea for help and advice. For those who would rather not read a wall of text:

tl;dr: I need some precanned bulls~~~ lines that people want to hear in interviews so I can get a better job for now

Full background:

So, a bit about where I am right now – I’m completing my 2 year degree at a community college right now and I’m working a low pay retail gig. I’ve been really strapped for cash trying to get myself through school, but I busted my ass saving and studying for IT industry certs for the past 6-8 months and managed to earn my A+ and Network+ certs, and I’ll likely earn another during the summer. Now, once my current school semester ends in a few weeks, I’ll be hounding job ads and sending out my resume for a entry level tech job so I can get the hell out of this retail job and start making halfway decent pay. Then I can actually start eating properly and build some savings while I explore some of my other interests and get the rest of my life’s business on track.

The thing is, while I may be able to get my foot in the door for interviews, the interview itself is packed with nonsense. I don’t like to bulls~~~, I’m not good at it, and I don’t typically entertain others when they do it, so I get shredded in these interviews even though I have the technical skills for the job. I’ve applied to two positions just to test the waters, both called me in for an interview, and both nuked me with arbitrary arbitration without a technical question in sight.

Because of some past experiences, I have a very strong negative physical reaction to trying to fake some bulls~~~, and I can’t come up with it on the fly, so this is one of the few things I can’t help but let get under my skin. I didn’t bunker down for the past half year and work my ass off just to be stopped here, and by this s~~~ no less.

I think I’ll be able to get through this if I have enough rehearsed rhetoric to throw back at them that I don’t have to really think of a response. It’ll be more like reading from a script than trying to actively twist and contort myself in the moment. So, I need to come up with some nonsense platitudes to mindlessly parrot in response to questions such as

: “What does customer service mean to you?”
: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
: “How do you deal with a difficult person/customer in (insert unresolvable situation here)”
: “Why should we hire you?”
: “After 6 months, what would your performance review look like?”

And others I can’t think of right now. I’d use some googled stock responses to questions like this, but they’re probably keen on stuff like that. General interview experiences you’ve had would be helpful as well, as well as good answers that would nuke their hamsters. I’ll be going to a lot of interviews – enough that I can cut the bulls~~~ and shoot straight in a few of them for kicks.

Thanks.

[experiencedParticipant]

AvidAvarice wrote:

General interview experiences you’ve had would be helpful as well, as well as good answers that would nuke their hamsters. I’ll be going to a lot of interviews – enough that I can cut the bulls~~~ and shoot straight in a few of them for kicks.
Thanks.

It’s not “practice makes perfect”, but “perfect practice makes perfect.”
Show one hour early for any and all interviews. They tell you that the interview is at 10 AM = you show at 8:59.
Your ass never hits a seat before theirs does.
Everything you do at their building is part of the interview, everything.
Assume and get used to and wear it naturally that they are always looking at you.
If forced into a comparison, ONLY state/express the positive.
Never say anything negative unless faced with, “This interview will proceed no further until you have answered my (requiring a negative response) question.”
Never put anything onto their desk unless asked.
If you happen to establish a personal note on some topic, fantastic.

Unfortunately, interviews can kick to the streets the best qualified guy.
But that is just the way it is.
But the guy with the best ATTITUDE will take it upon himself to fully prepare for the interview.
Take great satisfaction in knowing that the hell they put you through, if you are prepared for it, will result in you working for an outfit that turns away prospective s~~~ty co-workers.
“It’s better to have a good knowledge level and an outstanding attitude than to have an outstanding knowledge level and a horses~~~ attitude.” They can smell one molecule of horses~~~ ten miles away.
“I’ll be damned if I hire someone with a bad attitude.” etc, etc.

Seek expert advice on all of this.

Good Luck

ps King Solomon’s Book of Proverbs, will NOT do you wrong.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[KeymasterKeymaster]

I am fully aligned with your first 3 paragraphs.

The example questions you posed ARE TOO EASY. Challenge me next time. 🙂

AvidAvarice wrote:

“What does customer service mean to you?”

MANSWER: “Customer service is sorely lacking in my opinion and it is sadly no longer a priority. I totally disagree with that. Look around and you’ll notice companies are more preoccupied with providing a service for less and pushing “saving you money”, than they are about providing a premium customer service. An airline doesn’t sell you “service and friendly smiles in the skies”….. they shove the cheapest flight in your face and when you get to the airport, you need to whip out your credit card and drop $30 for the suitcase. Unacceptable.

Good customer service is:

• “Good morning” instead of hello.
• “My pleasure” instead of “you’re welcome”… or “no problem” – which I can’t abide.
• “Certainly I’d be happy to” instead of “sure”.
• Following up. Answering emails within 24 hours or less. Calling back. You get the idea.
• Call them “guests” instead of “customers”. Very important.

By the way, I happened to be trained and certified in 6-star safety, behavior and service and these are the VERY FIRST lessons in excellent customer service.

AvidAvarice wrote:

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

I f~~~ing hate that question, but I am always prepared for it:
/forums/topic/where-do-you-see-yourself-in-5-years/

AvidAvarice wrote:

“How do you deal with a difficult person/customer in (insert unresolvable situation here)”

MANSWER: “I don’t believe there is such a thing as an unresolvable problem. Care to elaborate with a specific example?”

(answer the question with a question and get the specifics.)

YOU: “Are you able to please give an example of an unresolvable problem?”

Wait for it, and then tell them if you are not a superior and do not have the authority (or “agency”) to take care of it yourself, that you would direct it to a managing director.

AvidAvarice wrote:

“Why should we hire you?”

MANSWER: “My role is to present myself in the best possible light and give you 101 excellent reasons to want to work with me. You placed the ad for the opening. As I make you an offer of what I bring to the table, I would expect the same from you. So I very much look forward to YOU telling ME why I should want to work for you. “

DO NOT attempt to answer by telling them some bulls~~~ they want to hear.
Insist they tell YOU why you should want to work there.

Remember, you are interviewing THEM at the same time.
Don’t just seek their approval. Make them seek yours as well.

“Why should we hire you” is a bulls~~~ question. That’s their decision, not yours. It’s like when a woman says “why should I trust you?”. You don’t jump through hoops to give her reasons to trust you. She either will or she won’t. Their decision to hire you depends on THEM, not you falling over yourself to try and convince them.

Best thing you can do is to present your work and yourself. There it is. You don’t know NEARLY enough about them to pretend to answer that anyway. You can talk about your interest in working for them and what you can provide, but that’s the extent of it. Over-selling yourself reeks of desperation.

AvidAvarice wrote:

“After 6 months, what would your performance review look like?”

MANSWER: “As I already indicated in my answer to “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”, I would prefer a mutual review of each other’s performance after THREE months instead of 6. Especially during the first year as we begin to establish a working history.”

(make them understand you are interviewing and reviewing THEM at the same time.)

I would say “good luck”, but luck has very little to do with it.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Total LeeParticipant 1573]

AvidAvarice wrote:

“Why should we hire you?”

What a lame question. It’s like when Simon Cowell holds American Idol auditions and when people show up for it, he asks “what are you doing here?”. I wish these people would just cut the s~~~ instead of conducting interviews like a series of female s~~~ tests.

They should be already interested in hiring you before it begins, and not acting like they need reasons to do so. It’s a lame tactic to make it seem like they don’t have an opening and you’re begging to work there. “You have an opening for someone exactly like me. That is why.”

It’s like walking into a restaurant , sitting down, and when the waiter shows up, you ask “why should we eat here?”

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Total Lee wrote:

I wish these people would just cut the s~~~

These kinds of questions are silly and childish. It would take self control to not laugh.

“where do you see yourself in 5 years?”.
“Doesn’t that depend on if you hire me today or not? you f~~~ing idiot”.

Really. It’s a pointless question. If they hire you, you might be there in 5 years. If they don’t, where you “see yourself” is none of their business.

“where do you see yourself in 5 years?”.
“If you hired me today, where do you see myself in 12 months? In the same position?”.

In their company, it doesn’t matter where you “see yourself”.
It’s where they see you that counts.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

Avid:

I can only tell you what I’m looking for when I am hiring, and that is someone that thinks differently than I do. I know how to think like me and I’m pretty good at it. I want someone with a different set of skill sets and who looks at things from a different angle. And everyone is unique. No two people were brought up exactly the same.

Let me give you an example. I played basketball and tennis in high school. What that means is that I know how to play in a team, that the person that sets the screen to get the shooter open is equally important because you can’t take the shot without getting open. On the other hand, there are times when you have no one else to depend on but yourself and if you don’t get it done, you lose.

So, when someone asks you why they should hire you, know what is unique about yourself and why that would be an asset to my company.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Order the good wine

[AvidAvariceParticipant 223]

Keymaster wrote:

DO NOT attempt to answer by telling them some bulls~~~ they want to hear.
Insist they tell YOU why you should want to work there.

Remember, you are interviewing THEM at the same time.
Don’t just seek their approval. Make them seek yours as well.

“Why should we hire you” is a bulls~~~ question. That’s their decision, not yours. It’s like when a woman says “why should I trust you?”. You don’t jump through hoops to give her reasons to trust you. She either will or she won’t. Their decision to hire you depends on THEM, not you falling over yourself to try and convince them.

Keymaster wrote:

These kinds of questions are silly and childish. It would take self control to not laugh.

I definitely stepped in it when I went to those interviews then, haha. I even cracked a small laugh at the question in the interview because it was such s~~~-testing bulls~~~. Is “why should we hire you?” intended to be a s~~~ test question to see if you get on your knees and beg, or does it just happen to work out better if you treat it like a s~~~ test?

Thanks a million for the advice, KM. I’m going to try approaching interviews from a different mindset now and interview them as well. Besides, if they really wanted to know how I work with people, treat customers, and how well that would translate to me working there, my current employer’s address and phone number is right on my resume. There’s their answer. I, on the other hand, don’t have the same access to information about their work requirements and practices.

Also try to slip in how you need this job for granny’s cancer medicine.

Lmao. I should bring a picture of a random old woman in a hospital bed with a few cats by her side for dramatic effect.

On a more serious note, I tend to make plans in 6-8 month increments as well, so I’ll probably veer in the direction of answering in a similar manner as you and KM, while stating that the “5 year plan” is more like a “rough idea of what I’d like my 6-8 month plans to lead in the direction of, but is extremely subject to change”

Total Lee wrote:

I wish these people would just cut the s~~~ instead of conducting interviews like a series of female s~~~ tests.

I knew the vibe that I get during interviews was eerily familiar – it’s basically one big s~~~ test! Except I can’t just walk away from it as I would normally do.

TaxGuy wrote:

So, when someone asks you why they should hire you, know what is unique about yourself and why that would be an asset to my company.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

That’s doable, but also difficult – I know that, outside of relevant job skills and work ethic, I bring an analytical mind that can break workflows and the like down to modular processes pretty naturally, which makes building solutions to problems easier. The thing is, I don’t even know enough about the job in the interview to know whether or not that’s relevant (and, seeing as this is an entry level tech support job, it’s doubtful). Still though, you just made me think of a pretty decent response to give to that before I turn the same question on them. So thanks for that.

experienced wrote:

Take great satisfaction in knowing that the hell they put you through, if you are prepared for it, will result in you working for an outfit that turns away prospective s~~~ty co-workers.

That’s a perspective on the situation that I hadn’t considered before – that’ll definitely help me move past the frustration I have right now. I’ve had plenty of s~~~ty coworkers at my current job, and it’s an experience I could have definitely done without.

Thanks a million guys – I still have a little while before I start sending out my resume, but I already think I have a better sense of how to conduct myself. I’ll let you all know how it goes when I go out there. Until then though, I’ll still be working on changing my mindset and pondering some typical interview questions, so I’m still open to advice.

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