I just don't know anymore

[Anonymous 43]

Amigo, are ya out there?

I believe in you.

My parakeet believes in you too.

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

Yeah, I’m here.

I’ll give you guys a quick run down.

I had many emails with my lawyer, just hitting a few unspoken things, but needed to be put in black and white.

My lawyer got agressive. Used an average pay for the line of work my ex is in, found 54, yes FIFTY FOUR, open FULL TIME jobs closer to her house than she is working now, FOR MORE MONEY.

So, my lawyer used the average pay at 40 hours, used my pay at 40 hours, and offered child support payments of $75 per week instead of $200.

This would set my life on a whole different path!!

I came home and hugged my kids so very tight. Told them why I ever talked s~~~ about mom, told them I only want them to take the good stuff from mom and forget the rest. Then I promised to never speak bad about mom again.

So far, it’s been a great night here. I really wish the kids could just stay with me and I didn’t have to share custody.

We are gonna watch a movie, and maybe school will be cancelled from snow. They could use a break.

My lawyer hit all the major angles for a reduction in child that she could, yeah, it’s a female lawyer. I’m not sure how a lawyer could fight with what she brought to the table, it’s all cut and dry.

I’ll keep you guys updated.

Nothing happened at work. No talk about an investigation or anything. I’m not worried about it anymore. If they cared, it would’ve happened today.

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[Anonymous 43]

Woot!

An adverse child support adjudication made me homeless and living in a tent spring/summer 2015. Thanks Judge F~~~wit!

Good for you buddy.

[CombatRollParticipant 2594]

I’ve kept up with this thread and found it gut wrenching, b/c this could be any of us miserable married f~~~s!

The courts don’t give a s~~~ about us and view us as a meal ticket for our c~~~s and offspring.

It sounds like things are looking up. Stay strong. You’ve weathered the toughest part of the storm and calmer seas lie ahead.

Way to hang in there.

[BlakeGuyParticipant 287]

May 7 2020 did a great job detailing almost everything. Hopefully you do most of it but sounds like you have already made some good headway.

I had about 2 years in headf~~~ space dealing with my collection of knocks. Very different from yours but in the same areas. Generally a lot worse from a short term financial perspective. I spent a lot of time being upset. But i kept it all in. I never once bitched to anyone except one good friend. My kids never heard a word about it. I just stayed fun on the outside. (walks in nature helped me a lot)

Now I am super happy. Ecstatic actually. Things have come around. 3 points to re-iterate.

1 – Your kids should not have to hear, see, feel, or understand any of the s~~~ you are going through.

2 – Do not talk to the soon to be ex. Just dont. That is the lawyers job (through her lawyer).

3 – Read this site every night. (and other similar sources).

Let the good times roll

[SimpleLifeParticipant 439]

That’s a hell of a bummer, Jough. Keep grinding through it and see where the chips fall when the divorce is actually done.

[nick123Participant 137]

Anonymous wrote:

Amigo.

I’ll try to break this to you gently. You will not win in court. Your ex will get every benefit under the sun. She will pile more s~~~ on you than a public park statue. Your kids will be turned against you and your friends may dry up and blow away.

You are a man. You will survive all of this and more. Your capacity to absorb damage is almost limitless as long as you don’t let this s~~~ distract you from you.

I say embrace the suck. Laugh at it. Go on, laugh. This is nothing compared to your ability to get beyond all of this and surpass what you thought was possible while you were with this bitch. You can rise above this. She can not. She will use your resources and have a brief upturn, but the time will come when her ability to take care of herself will falter. Giving her the kids earlier in the process will hasten her downfall. She will take you to court over and over for the attention and the power trip. Eventually time money and the bulls~~~ will run out. the 2014 car will need insurance, tags, routine maintenance, tires, brakes, coolant, oil, battery. Figure out what that s~~~ costs. This was not a free car, it needs $2,000 in work. Car is a depreciating asset. It will rust, break down get damaged, and in 3 years will be a turd no one will want to drive. F~~~ the car. You have other things to worry about.

Your s~~~ lawyer. Give her 15 days to get you squared away or she is gone. Show her a lawyer’s card. This is her replacement. This is someone who is milking you. If you think she is yanking yer chain, make a complaint to the state bar association. Lawyers loooooove hassling other lawyers.

The free car. File a complaint with the IRS. I think the car might be subject to gift tax or as income. I’m guessing it is worth more than $10,000. Run this by a tax professional first. I’m just a dude with a keyboard…

Next. Stay the f~~~ away from women, at least until you have disposed of your ex. Do you really need a double dose of drama right now? Settle accounts with the exwife. Whether or not you want women in your life later is up to you.

Next, file an appeal of the child support agreement. $22 an hour and bills leaves you short every month. There is probably a paper you can file with your state confiscation department. Appeal that s~~~.

Make a call to the credit card companies. Make a deal with them, 1/2 payments for 12 months or some reduction in payment. Have a definite payment in mind. No one wants to make a deal with a wishy washy person. I need my $300 a month payment to be $150 a month for 12 months. I am dealing with a divorce and I need your cooperation. I want to pay my bills but the way things are going I will need to default soon. Magic words…no creditor wants you to default. if the clown on the phone can’t help you, find a supervisor or someone in that organization who will say yes. Keep calling until someone says yes. After 4 or 5 calls all asking the same thing they are going to figure out you need help and something is better than nothing.

Therapy will not help you. This will be another mouth you have to feed, and the sessions will never end. What will help is the inner voice. You know the answers to all your questions, but the answers are not what you necessarily want to hear. Ask a question, out loud, and answer it. Hell if you have a question, post it here. See what happens.

Next. As little contact with exwife as possible. Do not send messages explaining anything. This is evidence that will be used against you in court. If no one explained this to you, this is a series of trials, just as serious as a criminal trial. There is a plaintiff…someone who has a complaint. There is a defendant, someone accused of some bulls~~~. Guess which one is you Amigo? Plaintiff = victim, defendant = criminal. You will be rung up for harassment. Harassment is defined as any unwelcome communication. Technically, a birthday card for your kid with $100 in it could be construed as harassment. Guess who does the construing…yeah the special snowflake you married. Any communication with exc~~~ should be 10 words or less, emphasis on less. Silence is perfectly acceptable. Sent to her lawyer through your lawyer is optimal. Lawyer to lawyer is not harassment. It is part of the ongoing case.

Evidence. Keep a journal of conversations, places, keep receipts. The better your journal, the worse her outrageous bulls~~~ accusations will look like bulls~~~. I have kept a journal of virtually every hour since 2009. This has saved me from prosecution 5 times. Alibis, be aware of times, dates, places. Journal can be a steno notebook, day planner, but be consistent.

Ignore what she does. Focus on what you do. Ignore the crazy s~~~, focus on being rational. Get up, s~~~ shower shave, then go to work. Work your work, then go home. find something to do there, catch up on old tv reruns, do situps until you exhaustion, work 2 1000 piece puzzles mixed together. Anything but thinking about the ex. If you are thinking about her, she is getting off on that. She is having a wallbanging orgasm everytime you think about her and her new f~~~ing car. Take the power away. let it go.

You need to focus on you and maintaining your health. This is stressful and it will make you sick. Go for a walk after work. Walk around failmart for a while. Do morning calesthenics just like jr high gym class.

Look at the good you have found so far. You have the potential to find peace in your life that you did not experience when you were younger. You have gained some insight into how women really are, use that to keep yourself from falling into the same pile of horses~~~ again. The women, they want you to f~~~ up. They want you to fail. And it is easy to f~~~ up, just lose focus on you and gaze at them a little too long and uh oh.

Women are designed to make us wobble just enough to make up think we need them. For some men, women are incentive to work harder, but she spends the your extra money on her worthless s~~~. For some men, women are an addiction, their soft bodies provide comfort and the dopamine in your head is as potent as cocaine. Beware of that also Amigo.

Your children. They are of an age where they can almost deal in abstract terms, should be out of self centered childhood soon. They will figure out what a beast their mother is, but they are dependent on her for everything. they will turn a blind eye to her bulls~~~, and become tuned into her reality. The ex reality is now their reality. They have to go along to get along. It’s not that the kids don’t love you man, they have to hate you or they won’t get fed. This will drive you insane. You have lost your kids.

They will find you again when their mother no longer provides meals, cash, permission to do things. Be cool, they will come around. They will see how you live, which does not match up with the lies and bulls~~~ your ex tells them about you. Kids have to nod and smile and eat the s~~~ sandwich too. They don’t have a choice, they are hostages.

You seem to be in the same spot as me…lots of bills, ex already f~~~ed me in court but I appealed all the financial s~~~ and won a little and lost a little. My kids told me to f~~~ off, same age as yours. You come across as a decent man, Amigo. I like you. I hope you find peace on your journey…it seems your are a mile or two behind me…those are going to be rough miles.

“A gift Tax”…………wtf? how can a governemt morally/ethically tax a gift. IT IS A F~~~ING GIFT!

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

Anonymous wrote:

Woot!

An adverse child support adjudication made me homeless and living in a tent spring/summer 2015. Thanks Judge F~~~wit!

Good for you buddy.

My lawyers offer doesn’t matter at all, unless the c~~~ agrees. And who would agree to receive LESS free money?

I’m her perfect man now, out of the house, no sex, baby sit the kids half the time and PAY HER.

I make 22.76 an hour, pay for all the health insurance and all my bills, and she gets $800 or $1200 a month in child support from me. I’ve told you guys all of it before, her trips with the kids, all their fun, while I never have time or a dime to do anything with them, I’m just her ATM machine and baby sitter. When she doesn’t have the kids, it’s f~~~ing party time! Dinners, trips, drugging and dating. When I don’t have my kids, it’s still me working 7 days a week.

I went back and counted it all up, because I took a day off of work this week. I’ve missed 6 days of work since last July, and that includes all holidays like thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Day, when my company wasn’t open. I’m so stressed out, I have no positive outlet to let this all go, and hearing the kids have more fun with mom, or that mom has the new car and the old one which I’m still paying on my credit card for is now being driven by my ex father in law, and everything else…. just rubs me wrong and I can’t contain myself anymore.

So, the kids don’t want to be around me, they don’t “feel safe”. No, I’ve never hit my kids, or threatened to hurt them, I don’t drink or do drugs, never hurt my ex either. They don’t feel safe from me losing my s~~~ and arguing with my oldest kid about me being screwed while mom lives the sweet life. I get it, i didn’t want to hear it either as a kid. But I can’t help myself anymore, I’ve texted my ex way too many times this week, explaining her emotional abuse of me then and now, her financial abuse then and now, and I just can’t stop myself.

She wouldn’t let me take the kids during our scheduled time, I called the cops. One kid wasn’t even at home on a school night at 7pm. Cops wouldn’t let me take my youngest kid, because she didn’t “feel safe”. My lawyer said I couldn’t do anything about it, “feel safe” is the magic words for breaking a court ordered visitation. I can’t even get divorced without my ex’s approval!

Guys, I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. My lawyer said to start family counseling, so I did, I scheduled it all up, the kids and ex and I show up, and once I saw her, I was on the verge of becoming a monster. I let out some retorts to her statements, the counselor wanted to end the session right then, I was done with even hearing my ex’s voice, so I walked out.

I can’t do anymore. I can’t be a baby sitter while acting like a dad. I can’t fight with my kids while they demonstrate the disrespect and disobedience that was normal in my marriage that, yes, I was forced to be ok with.

I think I’m going to give up custody of my kids. I don’t know what else to do. I know the right answer is to suck it up and just accept everything and pretend nothing bothers me, but I just can’t do it.

I haven’t been off my sofa, except to work, in more than two weeks. I really can’t believe this is where my life is, after everything I’ve done and accomplished, I now find myself looking at an empty wall each day…..

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

Figured I’d give an update…

Haven’t seen my kids for about a month now, no talking or texting them either. I don’t think they want to be with me anymore.

My lawyers hands are tied, as are mine. All we can do is wait until either our court day in May, or for my ex wife to willingly accept a much lower child support payment. But, why would she do that?

So, I’m looking at my kids making the choice to stay with mom, there by I would lose 50/50 joint legal custody, and end up paying even more child support than I got screwed with the first time for the temporary orders.

So now I have no time, no money and no kids. I’m still freaking married on top of that. I’m really stressed out from all the working, and my bills and my thoughts are nearly uncontrollable now. All I can think about is all the hurt she caused, all the laughs she must be having now, and none of this seems worth it anymore. My life provides no benefit to me. No happiness, no fun, no friends.

Even if my ex takes a reduction in child support, I still have to work 7 days a week to cover my bills. If I end up without my kids, I’ll have to get a second job to keep my head above water. I’m not really sure I can handle 7 days a week at one job, and get a second job.

I’ve paid my lawyer more than $2000, and we’ve gotten no where. None of it matters, because my ex would have to agree to any deal.

There’s nothing I can do to fix any of this, and I just can’t accept it either. It’s like I’m on death row, just sitting in my cell. May is coming pretty slow, but god help me when it comes, because that’s when I’ll really get a taste of how bad this will all be.

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[Anonymous 5]

My friend and Brother, what you have explained in the last of your posts , that is the game, that is the end all goal of this wench. She knows that if you dont have anything to do with your kids or they “dont feel safe” your percentage of visitaion (expenses for your children) will indeed be calculated against you and of course more support will be taken from you. But thats the game. My friend do yourself and your heart and mind a favor, Check out “PAS” Parental alienation syndrome.
There are sites online that cover exactly what you are going through. I know Ive been through it also. But your kids dont hate you they are being manipulated by the stupid ex to make it seem like you are a danger to your kids to and for the courts. The whole idea behind this is to excise you out of your childrens lives and you theirs. Its criminal and should never be allowedto take place. Your children should not know the details about your divorce, thats the clue that they have been completely informed about all of the proceedings.
This biatch will f~~~ everyone she can get her lips on and more than likely if she is still able to have children will be looking for the next sperm donor. For her next experiments. Thats just how she is and will never change.
My friend do not disparage your self too much , I know its hard as f~~~ not to do so . But try not to give into the temptation because this is the exact ositionshe wants you to be in. Do not have anything to do with your ex except to arrange visitation with your children, if she starts in on you in front of them, go to court get a restraining order against her and make the exchanges without her being present period. Whatever your children say , dont lose hope , they are being indoctrinated by the bitch against you. And everytime she opens her mouth in their presence it is to berate you and humiliate you to them. They have loyalty issues and thats right up the alley of PAS…… I emplore you to keep calm and not fall into her traps of engaging you on any level. But whatever you do do not give up your visitations , and do not allow her the ability to belittle you in your childrens presence.
And give your lawyer this warning that if she doesnt work the hardest for and on your behalf that you will find another lawyer. Remember this she gets paid by the hour, and the more hoirs she can rack up she will do so, its to her benefit to do. Also she probably sympathises with women to begin with, or she would have your back. just a thought. Just a couple things I thought i would throw out there for you to chew on and mull over while in the midst of this mess. Your children need you, and they will need you for a very long time regardless of how much money you spend on them. As far as the authorities not being abe to help thats a bunch of hog wash. They can keep the peace while you are picking up the children, a court order is a court order and your ex can be found in contempt of the courts if there is a standing visitation order on the books. Tell your lawyer to persue this option if your ex doesnt shapen up and stop belittleing you and not letting you have your court appointed visitations. Just a few thoughts. Brother
Sincerely :
Steve

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

Thought I’d post an update to my life, the good and bad.

I’m seeing a therapist now. I need some help undoing all the messed up s~~~ in my head about how my ex screwed me over during the marriage and how screwed I am now. I’m just not doing great with accepting all this, and I feel like my hands are really tied.

So, I go see a guy and I talk. Doesn’t solve anything, but getting it off my chest is helping me keep my cool for my kids. They are happy I’m getting some help, and they both want to continue the 50/50 arrangement for parenting.

My taxes worked out good, I owed the fed what I got back from state, so it was a wash. I was fearful of owing the IRS, and man, I just don’t have the cash to pay anyone anything right now.

I’m still not divorced, still going into debt, and still paying crazy child support.

My life hasn’t changed much, but my thoughts are slowing down and I’m getting a little more centered on where my life is, and where it could go.

The only thing really harping on me is my debt, lack of money, and working seven days a week. I got a lot of stress, and few positive outlets.

However, I started talking with a chick, just texting. I might meet up with her, not sure yet. Not gonna move in with her, nor her with me. Not gonna do anything more than screw and text, though I’m just texting at the moment.

The real benefit so far, is that she’s a great distraction from my troubles. I can’t focus on my troubles anymore, because I just can’t fix them…

So, until I find 30,000 laying around, or I can find enough cash to at least take a day off from work, I’m not going to get out of this sinking ship…

I don’t post often enough, I read here a lot, but I can never say enough thank you’s to everyone here that contributes, it’s really help me keep my head from falling apart.

Thanks guys, I’ll post more when I have some new developments.

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[TBL225Participant 168]

RegularJough wrote:

Thought I’d post an update to my life, the good and bad.

I’m seeing a therapist now. I need some help undoing all the messed up s~~~ in my head about how my ex screwed me over during the marriage and how screwed I am now. I’m just not doing great with accepting all this, and I feel like my hands are really tied.

So, I go see a guy and I talk. Doesn’t solve anything, but getting it off my chest is helping me keep my cool for my kids. They are happy I’m getting some help, and they both want to continue the 50/50 arrangement for parenting.

My taxes worked out good, I owed the fed what I got back from state, so it was a wash. I was fearful of owing the IRS, and man, I just don’t have the cash to pay anyone anything right now.

I’m still not divorced, still going into debt, and still paying crazy child support.

My life hasn’t changed much, but my thoughts are slowing down and I’m getting a little more centered on where my life is, and where it could go.

The only thing really harping on me is my debt, lack of money, and working seven days a week. I got a lot of stress, and few positive outlets.

However, I started talking with a chick, just texting. I might meet up with her, not sure yet. Not gonna move in with her, nor her with me. Not gonna do anything more than screw and text, though I’m just texting at the moment.

The real benefit so far, is that she’s a great distraction from my troubles. I can’t focus on my troubles anymore, because I just can’t fix them…

So, until I find 30,000 laying around, or I can find enough cash to at least take a day off from work, I’m not going to get out of this sinking ship…

I don’t post often enough, I read here a lot, but I can never say enough thank you’s to everyone here that contributes, it’s really help me keep my head from falling apart.

Thanks guys, I’ll post more when I have some new developments.

NO.

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

TBL225 wrote:

RegularJough wrote:

Thought I’d post an update to my life, the good and bad.

I’m seeing a therapist now. I need some help undoing all the messed up s~~~ in my head about how my ex screwed me over during the marriage and how screwed I am now. I’m just not doing great with accepting all this, and I feel like my hands are really tied.

So, I go see a guy and I talk. Doesn’t solve anything, but getting it off my chest is helping me keep my cool for my kids. They are happy I’m getting some help, and they both want to continue the 50/50 arrangement for parenting.

My taxes worked out good, I owed the fed what I got back from state, so it was a wash. I was fearful of owing the IRS, and man, I just don’t have the cash to pay anyone anything right now.

I’m still not divorced, still going into debt, and still paying crazy child support.

My life hasn’t changed much, but my thoughts are slowing down and I’m getting a little more centered on where my life is, and where it could go.

The only thing really harping on me is my debt, lack of money, and working seven days a week. I got a lot of stress, and few positive outlets.

However, I started talking with a chick, just texting. I might meet up with her, not sure yet. Not gonna move in with her, nor her with me. Not gonna do anything more than screw and text, though I’m just texting at the moment.

The real benefit so far, is that she’s a great distraction from my troubles. I can’t focus on my troubles anymore, because I just can’t fix them…

So, until I find 30,000 laying around, or I can find enough cash to at least take a day off from work, I’m not going to get out of this sinking ship…

I don’t post often enough, I read here a lot, but I can never say enough thank you’s to everyone here that contributes, it’s really help me keep my head from falling apart.

Thanks guys, I’ll post more when I have some new developments.

NO.

Solid advice.

However, I already met up with her and screwed.

Told her the next morning there was no future and no need to carry on a “friendship”.

Truth be told, I’m glad I did it. The experience really helped to reinforce the absurdity of pussy. Not only that, I had gone from feeling what I kept describing being “lonely” to being a bit annoyed and bugged by this woman.

Now, no more texting, not “in my life”, and I haven’t thought more than a few times about her the last couple of days.

Not only that, the “lonely” feeling is slowly being replaced with “peace”.

I know I’ve received so much good advice from this site over the last year, but it’s taking a while for me to start to get into a different mind set.

It’s not just about acceptance or coming to terms, it’s about me finding peace, and as much as I can read and understand where MGTOW is coming from, it hasn’t made a difference until I noticed a change in myself. The attitude about sex and being more happy with having peace really made me reflect on what I thought was so “lonely” about where I am in life now.

If anyone reading this finds themselves in a similar situation, “NO” IS the right answer for women in general, but if you must do it, leave your brain turned on and try to learn why you wanted it in the first place and if the admission price is worth the ride.

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[MattNYCParticipant 2329]

Hey man.You got dealt a s~~~ hand. Unfortunately it’s happened before, and it’ll happen again.

There are two good things about that:
First – other guys have gone through the hell you have, and have come out alive & better. It takes time, but it can happen.

Second – you telling your story can help other guys avoid the landmines.

Have you considered looking for work elsewhere? You mentioned machining earlier in the thread; it’s not my field, but i’ve heard there are a lot of (think it’s called) CNC operators. You’ve been w/the same company for 11 years. Any particular reason to stay?

[Xavier MaloryParticipant 65]

I feel your pain brother. Not quite the same links that you do but I still understand.

Forgive my brevity, but I’m reading this on my cell phone during a lunch break.

As far as your anger goes, I agree with the other men hear that you don’t want to vented on other women or your children. If you have any kind of medical insurance through your job and they offer counseling I would highly suggest you go. It helped me immensely even before I found MGTOW.

Also for your kids, remember this: their mother could be the biggest worst bat s~~~ crazy c~~~ in the entire world, but she is still the entire world to them, as are you. And the worst thing for a child is to hear one person who is their hero trashing another person who is their hero, even if it’s the truth. I got this straight from a professor who taught a codependency class that I took to make sure that bitch of an ex-wife of mine could not take my daughter for me. My daughter also goes to counseling, and her counselor has told me the exact same thing. In due time your kids will see their mother for the evil lying witch that she is. Trust me on this. Try and put on a happy face for your kids don’t trash their mom. When their mother does something that they don’t understand or that you know the truth about, just tell them “I don’t know”

And again, I realize this is easier said than done, but the very first thing you must do is get your anger under control and vent to a decent source.

All the best wishes to you, mate.

The trouble with "Facts" and "Opinions" is the average idiot thinks they're synonyms.

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

Thanks for your reply.

I’ll catch anyone up who was reading my awful story, but, this might get long, and even if it does, it will only scratch the surface of what I’m thinking and feeling.

Last week, even though it feels like a lifetime ago, was bad. Tuesday, I was great, even days before I decided to stop smoking. I was feeling ok. Wednesday was different. Wednesday I called and made an appointment for one of my girls, and scheduled it on my ex’s week, just to f~~~ her the same way she f~~~ed me with a doctors appointment during my week with the kids and there wasn’t even an appointment! But I still missed work! I didn’t know while I was on the phone making an appointment my daughter was texting my ex at the same time, and I got a couple emails from her about doing that.

Pause right here for a sec.

During the last year, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m a serious codependent. I have some serious s~~~ I need to work out. Being a codependent, I was the model husband. I was so good, friends and family of my ex (I had and have no friends in real life) would say “Everyone needs a Joe!!”, like I was gods gift. It really solidified my belief I was doing good, and I just kept taking her BPD abuse because I was stupid enough to think she was just upset for x,y or z. I made so many excuses for her treatment towards me, and I did a great job of ignoring how I felt. If she was unhappy, I jumped. This became so engrained to me that she would show displeasure from anything I ever loved or enjoyed, and I began policing myself to not do anything. So all last summer, I would force myself to go out and go fishing or metal detect, and it was fine, but I would come home and feel like s~~~ afterwards. Everything feels so selfish now from being told for 18 years how selfish I am. F~~~ me, eating food feels selfish. But, I can jump to her issues. I didn’t mention how bad this was in my last update, but the week before my kids came back to me after being gone a month, I had offered her an extra $3000-$4000 from my 401k to help her. Then she mentioned trouble with her new guy, so I contacted the guy to tell him how awesome she is and that she’s a great person.

See? I’m a messed up guy. I’m so utterly brainwashed, and my codependency only aids her. I’m in a tough spot in my mind right now, and the more I learn and realize about myself and about her and how it all happened and what’s going on right now, it’s driving me f~~~ing crazy.

So, back to the phone call… she tells me she can’t do that day, she has plans, so I QUICKLY agree and call back to reschedule on my time and take time off work. Of course, I have to throw out about her dick sucking time, and we exchange a couple hurtful emails. I was a wreck, and I crushed a full can of soda in my hand, in front of my kids, spraying soda all over my apartment. I clean it quick, saying sorry and then my oldest wants to argue logistics about mom. I end it quick, and we leave for my daughters therapy appointment, and when I get there I get another email from my ex about her sucking her new guy off and how it was the best blow job he ever got. Why does she say this you ask? Because she wouldn’t do it for me, and she knows it really hurts me. So, I damn near have a break down, I couldn’t move, and my kids watched me the whole time, about ten solid minutes.

The next two days, while at work, by lunch, I couldn’t take the stress, and I asked her to come get the kids and that I didn’t want them to see me be so upset. She shamed me and said something that called my ability into question, so I quickly pulled back and agreed to keep the kids. The following day was worse for me, I was losing it, and I asked again, but she was on a four day weekend with her new guy and just told me to “man up”.

I can’t take this s~~~. I’m so stressed out. I work too much, I have no release and I don’t feel like I’m being a good dad anymore. I can’t help myself but to explain to my kids why I’m such a wreck and why mom is so happy.

So, I talked and talked to my kids, telling them much more than they needed to ever know and tried to get them to understand some of why I’m like this and mom is so happy and having a new life with her guy.

On Friday, I left work early, because I just couldn’t work anymore. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but what I did was pull all the money from her checking account and I was going to burn it. I didn’t. She contacted me on Saturday, while I was working and my kids were home alone, and mentioned her inability to purchase softball gear for my youngest, because I had her money. What does my brainwashed ass do? I jump to return the money and then I go spend $300 on all new softball gear! Guys, my codependenacy really makes sense when I look at it. I’m completely broke, but all anyone has to say is they “need” and I’m on it. This was the major reason my ex had such an easy time manipulating me with never reachable goalposts, she knew she could get anything I could provide.

The kids went back to their moms house like normal. I was still a wreck for days, and just a couple of days ago, my ex contacted me to get my daughter from softball practice. I talked some s~~~ to her, then told her I can’t take the kids because I just can’t do it anymore. She argued, but didn’t care, because she said she doesn’t need the weeks off without the kids anymore because she’s ready to have my kids be around her new guy. So, I guess my baby sitting job ended right on time for her.

Yesterday, I didn’t work. I just couldn’t. It was all too much for me to handle. My brother yelled at me at work, told me to “snap out of it” and “just be happy”. I wish I could. So instead of work, I sat on my sofa for about 16 hours, doing nothing but smoking cigarettes. I had run out of heating oil the day before and my house was 48 degrees when I woke up, but I just couldn’t find the strength to go get diesel and have some heat. They delivered oil at 3pm, so I went down to bleed the boiler. It bled, but had a rough start. I looked up, and my tank was empty and my neighbors was full, yet I got the bill for 240 gallons. I dropped to my knees and began to weep. I banged the tank, but it felt full. Turns out the gauge got stuck, and two minutes with a pipe wrench fixed that. I went upstairs and began to throw away my stuff. Anything that had any connection at all, even slight, to my ex, I threw it away. I threw away all the things I bought the last 6 months, all just small things. I felt so selfish for having anything in my house. I took my things out of the trash last night before bed. Turns out, my brainwashing about feeling selfish if I take pleasure in something is a big deal. What did I throw away you ask? A book I can’t read, a puzzle I can’t do even with instructions, 4 rubix cubes, a Japanese toy that does nothing, a box that’s actully called a “useless box”, a spinner toy that’s supposed to do nothing… no pleasure, no fun or joy from these things, and that’s why I was ok with buying them, I knew I wouldn’t get any joy, so it was ok in my mind.

So what happened today? Today was off to a ok start. Work was smooth and easy. I generally don’t like Friday’s when I don’t have my kids, because this is the day I pay child support, and a little piece of my dies each time I go to the bank. However, it felt a little more freeing today because I didn’t have an whelming sense that Sunday was coming, and my kids, and that if I wanted to have a break down on a Tuesday or not eat for a couple of days, then I could. So, not a bad Friday. Until after lunch. Get back to my machines, put in some ear plugs and get ready to get back at it, and my phone rings. I recognize the number, but I didn’t know where from…. It was the Department of Childern and Families. Someone, NOT my ex, opened a claim against me for abuse and neglect. The woman wanted to speak face to face, so I left work right then.

I recognized the number from when I used to be a foster parent, I did that with my ex for years. Really helped a few kids, some needed more help than we could ever provide, but we did our best.

So, I tell the woman my story, and of course, she’s blown away with what I’m going through. The allegation came from someone who said I’ve been telling my kids too much and I said they were all I had in my life, all that I was living for. I didn’t mean I was going to kill myself, I meant they were the most important thing, that I put them ahead of me. Well, someone thought otherwise…

So, I tell the woman it was already my plan to not see my kids until I’m much better off and more in control of my emotions, because I’m not doing good for them right now. And it kills me to admit it to anyone reading this, it kills me to admit it to myself, but I’ve been failing my kids and failing myself.

The woman’s supervisor was shocked when she heard it was ME who made the decision already, before any DCF involvement, to remove myself from my kids. Apparently it showed how responsible and caring I was.

So, I contacted my therapist, and he agreed to start seeing me twice a week. I really need some help unraveling all these emotions and figuring out how to move past all this s~~~.

I’m sure I missed something… I’m sure there is much more to write, but you guys get the idea.

Don’t EVER get married!

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[WinstralParticipant 90]

Sorry to here that bro. As a single guy, I can relate to how you feel. If only life were as simple as just walking away from all these problems. Forget the wife, forget about work, forget everything. Just unplug yourself from the Matrix.

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

Thank you for your story RegularJough…It struck a nerve in me on some of what you have been going through esp with the codependency factor…The f~~~ that my ex wife manipulated me to feel guilty for enjoying my hobbies while she blew all my hard earned money on shopping for her expensive stuff while I stupidly carried all that she bought because I should be lucky to be with her…Then it turns out she was banging some other guy while she kept withholding sex from because I supposedly f~~~ed up her day for being happy …F~~~ing lunatic c~~~s..never again…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[I am SpartacusParticipant 164]

It’s been 2 months brother. How about an update? Things getting better?

"I am Spartacus!", said Spartacus.................and everyone around him.

[RegularJoughParticipant 258]

I am Spartacus wrote:

It’s been 2 months brother. How about an update? Things getting better?

You’re absolutely right.

I’m going to break down my update into a couple of sections. I’ve been reluctant to update this, because I’ve been hanging out with a woman, and while I know it’s not a great idea, it’s serving a purpose.

Shit tested, Brother approved.

[Author]

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