Home › Forums › Marriage & Divorce › I debated posting yet, but reading prompted me to
Tagged: abuse, Background, beta, Blue pill, marriage, story, submission
This topic contains 22 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by 
Gerald 3 years, 4 months ago.
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I debated posting my history/story here yet, thought I might lurk around a bit more and get more of a feel for the board/forum first but after reading just a few posts I thought “why the hell not?”
This is a story of a man who was raised to be very blue pill, even though raised in a household with a strong Alpha male. It is a story of sadness and despair which has brought me to research the Manosphere and Men’s issues and try to find a road that leads me to being happy and healthy again… and it is painful to write. I see many mistakes and faults and failures along the way and hope to correct them… and this forum may be a tool for that. Identities are changed to protect the guilty… hope you all find some solace in knowing you’re not in the same situation or have improved yours to get out of it if you were… enjoy!
Born in the Midwest in the beginning of the 70’s, I was a replacement child. My parents had a child who died of SIDS, mixed in with Vietnam and other factors, including their somewhat later in life marriage and I was an attempt to hold them together. It didn’t work. My father left when I was 2, and I was raised by my maternal grandmother while my mother worked two jobs. She was a positive influence on me, helping me grow my intelligence and be a success till age 7, when my mother remarried a man much older than she was (by 15 years). He was an alcoholic, violent man, who she basically married for a paycheck. Soon after they were married my mother was pregnant, with his 6th or 7th child across two marriages. As I grew up I experienced first hand the violent domineering of an abusive asshole, as did my mother and younger brother. He grew up developmentally disabled (but not enough to be called so) and essentially learned to enjoy the abuse. I never did and despised him, and the damage he did to my mother and brother. This is probably where my lack of confidence and learning to cope started, as I learned to hide things and be ‘sneaky’ as well as hold feelings inside and not express myself for fear of a beating.
As I developed into a teenager I was a bit of a geek, liking computers more than friends as I couldn’t hold any friendships due to the home life. After the first time he would hit another kid, that was the end of the friendship (parents wouldn’t allow the kid back). When I became 16 I had my license 4 days later, a job and a life outside of home… and I didn’t look back. I lived there until 19 when I moved out with my 17 year old girlfriend, the first moment I could afford to. My mother though never left him, suffered his abuse for years after and my brother did as well. To this day my brother still thinks his dad was the best dad ever, which sickens me.
My first real girlfriend is a girl I met second-hand. I mean, I was after this one attractive, tiny, petite fireball of a girl and became friends with her and worked to date her. She wasn’t interested (friend zone) so she hooked me up with her younger best friend. This girl was taller, heavier and though attractive, not my type, but I went with it in hopes of winning over the first girl. I moved out of my house and moved her in with me as soon as she graduated high school (no license, no job, no nothing from her). After a few months living together, I pushed her to get a job, which she did, but refused to get her license. This made it difficult to keep a job as I was going to school full time for my first degree and working full time. She took advantage of my not being around to party with friends, start a drinking habit and spend my money. We were together two years before living together, lived together a year and then she moved out, and then dated for about a year afterwards. I was subservient to her and gave her money, etc. all in hopes she would continue to love me. Having not had much affection as a child (mother grew cold and distant with the abuse), I latched on and wouldn’t let go. This all continued until we split and she moved in with a friend after moving out with me. She was dating others, but I tried to get us back together about 6 months later… we went out with some friends one night, and I knew immediately she was pregnant, even before she did. She had hooked up with a guy a couple weeks before on a one night stand and was knocked up. I stopped seeing her, but not after stating something I deeply regret “I’d even take you back now and help raise the kid” which I see was a horrible statement.
I was single then for a while, finished my first degree and started meeting people online (this was 1992 – 1993 by the way). I started trying to date but was very awkward and shy around girls and afraid, and never had any relationships of significance. After finding a friend (who is now my wife) online through one of the bulliten boards, let’s call her W, I started hanging out at a particular bar, where I then started bartending (hung out there so much I started working). Through W, she introduced me to a girl who I found attractive and I started dating her. She was no prize, overweight yet employed, she was pretty shy and eager to have a relationship. I moved into my grandmothers house after she passed away and moved her in soon after. That relationship started with the “I’m saving myself” discussion and moved into “we can have sex but it will be limited” s~~~ soon after. I stuck with her, miserable, for 8+ years. While the money was never an issue, I told her straight up we would never marry because I didn’t like her that much, yet she clung to me in those early years until we both just kind of gave up… and stayed together. Eventually, as I headed into my mid-Thirties, my friends saw how miserable I was and helped me see it. I threw her out and ended it, poorly, and with many setbacks (sleepovers I guess you would say) that took about 6 months. She even followed me across country on one of my vacations in the last years of our relationship, because I left a Dear Jane letter. Messy, but I felt like I had a reprieve.
I changed jobs, got a better one, got a better car, started working on myself, then fell into feeling lonely and started dating right away. I had a real fear of being alone. The women I chose were all sub-par, as I felt I had a chance with them more than the top shelf ones. I found little satisfaction in pleasing them, yet continued to try to do so valiantly… always putting women on a pedestal and trying to be their savior or prince… wanting desperately to be the opposite of what my mother went through. This went on for a year or so, many varied stupid experiences, but life was ok. I was traveling periodically and enjoying myself mostly, but lonely and unsatisfied overall.
Then W came back into my life. She had married (I attended her first marriage as a guest and was asked by many why I wasn’t marrying her since we were such good friends). She had a baby, and was divorced, and just wanted to see how I was. We started dating, and because I was seeing others, she wouldn’t date me seriously. That drew my interest and desire and sucked me in… and a little over a year and a half later we were married. I knew she had a sailor’s mouth, and a quick temper, but she let things go quickly also and was a strong single mother. I adopted her daughter and have raised her since.
Fast forward to now… 9 years into the marriage, I am in my Mid-Forties, she is two years younger. She did not transition to 40 well… lots of panic, knowing her value had decreased significantly. She no longer lets things go but stews on them. She has had medical issues, money issues, I found out about some legal issues in her past after marrying her, can’t hold a job then now can’t get a job… then spiraled into depression. She actually even attempted suicide, but won’t admit to it. I have stuck with her, mostly for the daughter, who I love, but the daughter is messed up because of it too.
Fast forward to now. We have been relocated for work twice in two years. After the second relocation W left me and was gone off and on for nearly 4 months in a ‘separation’ that she started and kept coming back when she needed things, when it got to discussing it after she would come back she would run again. During the separation she trashed her new car, damaging it but keeping on driving it, became a heavier drinker, lived (she says platonically and I believe her due to disabilities of the guy) with a guy friend the whole time, lying about where she was…. Today she drinks constantly and finally admitted to being an alcoholic last week… she is on a ton of pills and her docs won’t renew them without a psychiatric evaluation… which she claims she can’t get. We are broke constantly to where I am having to work two jobs (primary one is 6 figures, second one is about $800 a month – just to pay the bills we can’t pay with the first one). She and I fight a lot, she has been violent with the daughter (and the daughter back) and I’m kind of trapped since she now has been diagnosed with something terminal. One more year and the daughter is out of high school and on her own…
So… long story short (and here is a sad side note, am writing this and am scared she’ll find it and do something)… I need to find a way to become the man I want to be, one who is no longer suffering from a lack of confidence… one who can hold his head up at work because he cares again and is doing a good job… one who has the ability to say “no” and back it up… one who can present a good role model to his daughter who is almost out in the world… one who is proud of himself and his accomplishments… and one who has a future.
Does that mean divorce and no relationship? Maybe. Does that mean changes in my lifestyle? Definitely.
First steps: Research and getting in better shape. Have started dieting to drop those pesky 30 lbs I’ve added since being married. Have the second job to work to pay some things down and get finances straightened out. Am here and on other Manosphere boards beginning research to learn to improve.
Beyond that… am working on it… hope I haven’t bored you all to death with a story you’ve heard a million times, and I’m hopeful I can gather some good insights here and help me keep this journey I’ve started moving forward… and I apologize if this sounds bitchy and whiny, there was a lot more I could have put in, but wanted to keep it short. I will say that just writing it helps me see many of the places I went wrong…
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
Welcome.
Your starting well.
Develop a plan. .
Say on 6 months you can get a lawyer and end the marriage.
Be careful in the meantime. .
Provide nothing she can use against you.
Begin at a pace you are okay with and make a decision.
If you pray,
Pray hard.
You can be the man you want to be.
I’m working right now so can’t get into more detail. .
Good luck brother!
The guys here are the best.
Honest even when it hurts. .
Let us help.
Every journey begins with a first step. .you’re here.
Many don’t find us..your already doing better than most. .Welcome Gerald. Own your story. The man you are today does not have to be the man you are tomorrow. Be wary of other manosphere sites,a lot of them are purely drivel designed to make you a “better” man for the sake of serving a woman.
You are fine the way you are, damaged and at the end of your wits you found your way here. You will heal, and the brothers here are all here to help you.
I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.
The women I chose were all sub-par
All women are sub-par. It’s the best reason not to marry in the first place.
Welcome to MGTOW. You’ve taken the first steps down a long road. That bitterness you taste is the red pill burn. You’re in for a lot of cognitive dissonance. Be patient. Record EVERY interaction between you, your wife and adopted daughter. The soon-to-be-ex will likely claim you physically or sexually abused her or the daughter or both, when she realizes the gravy train is leaving.
When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.
Anonymous18A warm welcome Gerald.
You know your story has many redeeming factors. Like most men you are inherently a good person who was used to a certain degree as a utility. Such is life for men with blue pill idolization of women.
The important thing is you are here. I presume you’d have a ton of conflicting feelings about it all but it’s a slow road to recovery. To find yourself.
The idea of working on your health and losing the pesky pounds is by far the most objective and attainable goal- all based on your own hard work and determination. Don’t need anyone for that. It will make you feel good. I was listening to an Jake Gyllenhaal interview where he had to get in insane shape and he said being in shape (extreme for our standards- i.e. ripped) gives a man confidence much above normal. And he said, ‘it makes you almost feel like an animal’. Which is great. Women will have their own misinterpretation for this, but you need to find that animal in you. It’s there. Cultivate it and embrace it. Also, read Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday.
We are here man. For anything you need.
Again, welcome!
I have picked up that book online, will start reviewing. To all, feel free to recommend blogs, reads, books, forums, etc. I tend to be a voracious reader and can get a lot from things I read, so recommendations are surely welcome. Am digging through the forums here and getting a start, also monitoring and reading over at Rollo’s forum as well, have gained a lot from his book.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
Warmest welcome;
I wish you luck on your journey of healing and emancipation. Women truly are not worth the sacrifice in the context of a romantic relationship. You are never too old to learn, grow and change.
Life is a journey and not a destination.
- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein
Set a good example for your daughter and make sure she is not ignorant. One day she will thank you for that.
A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!
Anonymous0I have picked up that book online, will start reviewing. To all, feel free to recommend blogs, reads, books, forums, etc. I tend to be a voracious reader and can get a lot from things I read, so recommendations are surely welcome. Am digging through the forums here and getting a start, also monitoring and reading over at Rollo’s forum as well, have gained a lot from his book.
Some self-help books that I recommend (from most basic to most sophisticated):
“Life Code,” by Dr. Phil McGraw (yes, *that* Dr. Phil).
“13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” by Amy Morin
“F*ck Feelings,” by Michael I. Bennett MD, and Sarah Bennett.
“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” by Stephen R. CoveyThese aren’t feel-good books like Deepak Chopra or “chicken soup for the soul” type books. Instead they focus on solid, practical advice for setting strong personal boundaries, identifying and avoiding users and abusers, and getting ahead in life. They’re all best-sellers and all currently in print. Check the reviews at Amazon.com for an idea on their content.
I found these books to be more helpful than the other “self-help” books;
Willard and Marguerite Beecher
Beyond Success and Failure: Ways to Self-Reliance and Maturity.
The Sin of Obedience
The Mark of Cain: The Anatomy of JealousyWendell Johnson
People in Quandaries – the first 300 pagesAnthony de Mello
AwarenessAlfred Adler
What Life Should Mean to YouBenjamin and Amy Radcliff
Understanding Zen – first 80 pagesP.S. I am not a Buddhist.
Welcome Gerald,
I know your pain oh so well,currently still retching on the bitterness that the red pill leaves in your throat.So much I almost regressed back to the blue pill with the same alcoholic woman.
Read ,share and contribute.We are all heading down a road on a journey ,and need to ensure it is the best one possible for ourselves ,instead of being in a slow march to death with a ball and chain to pull along.
Stay strong .Fed, Fucked, Appreciated. The three simple things men want, but women will never grasp.
I have picked up that book online, will start reviewing. To all, feel free to recommend blogs, reads, books, forums, etc. I tend to be a voracious reader and can get a lot from things I read, so recommendations are surely welcome. Am digging through the forums here and getting a start, also monitoring and reading over at Rollo’s forum as well, have gained a lot from his book.
Tom Leykis gives great finical advice that he streams on Mondays. Example he tells people not to buy a house.
"If pussy was a stock it would be plummeting right now because you've flooded the market with it. You're giving it away too easy." - Dave Chapelle
Am part way through the Dr. Phil recommendation (local Library had it) and about 1/2 way through “The Obstacle is the Way”
Both are pretty good… still iffy on the Dr. Phil one (he is such an ass) but I’m taking what I can from it. Most of the others are on the way…
So far this week I am doing reasonable on the diet front, have been controlling my intake while maintaining my activity levels, and I’ve been relatively ok on the relations~~~ front, have been waiting for her to call me each evening (she is out of town) and have been fairly non-committal on anything else.
THe plan for now is to continue to learn, read, follow the forums here, and work on myself. Not explain any of it to her and start building some financial stability, continue the second job which helps keep me away from home and puts money towards the overwhelming debt, etc.
Thanks all for the advice and reading material… will continue to try to update frequently.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
So I just wrote nearly two pages of drivel on what has been happening in my relationship the last year.
God Damn I am a chump.
I took it all down to not seem so pathetic, but rewriting it really brings out the failures on my part. Eyes are opening.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
And was reading through a number of threads today in the Marriage/Divorce section and read one about the last straw… and got to thinking about a quote in there… where the person indicated that during their separation he found that things were much better in his life…
9 months ago, when she was gone for the longest of our separations, about two months, I at that point realized that I was good without her. My daughter was doing well, I was being healthier (working out four times a week, sleeping well, watching what I wanted to on TV), bills were paid, s~~~ was wired tight.
Fast forward to now, and I realize I threw that s~~~ all away by letting her come back. It seems that our self-destructive behaviors as Beta males are awfully hard to resolve…
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
Fast forward to now, and I realize I threw that s~~~ all away by letting her come back. It seems that our self-destructive behaviors as Beta males are awfully hard to resolve…
Forget the beta/alpha male s~~~. It happens to all of us, because we love our womens more than they will ever love us in return. That is the sad truth of it all. I know plenty of strong f~~~ing men who have been crucified by their female counterpart. Their bulls~~~ has no boundaries.
Just finished The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. Well written, informative book on Stoicism and I have to admit I had a lot of this already but it brought a lot of it back to the surface. My boss constantly states how he is impressed ‘how laid back’ I appear, as I don’t jump around and scream like many of the managers here do. I’ve taken it on personally also… though last week I did lose it.
It is amazing how being so close to someone so long prompts you to know their ‘buttons’ that will set them off immediately and drive them to react horribly. Last week the wife got in my face about some issues and I used the private knowledge I had gained to jump right back into hers… practically seething. I am not normally like that and it takes a lot to drive me there, and she caught me at a bad point.
This book should be a read by many, I’m working towards adopting many of the principles and making them a part of my life. Letting things go has always been difficult for me, and I’ve not had great difficulty controlling my reactions to things, but this helps put it in perspective and prompt me to be better at it.
Thanks for the advice on the read… currently working through ‘F*ck Feelings’, ‘The Sin of Obedience’ and just downloaded ‘The Manipulated Man’.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
Damn it was really difficult going through your opening thread post. A lot of emotions stirring… mistake after mistake after F~~~ING MISTAKE! Story of my life… – well at least you actually take spelling and grammar seriously, it’s like a breath of fresh air once more. Cheers for such a well written and thought out summary of your challenges in life to-date.
Damn it was really difficult going through your opening thread post. A lot of emotions stirring… mistake after mistake after F~~~ING MISTAKE! Story of my life… – well at least you actually take spelling and grammar seriously, it’s like a breath of fresh air once more. Cheers for such a well written and thought out summary of your challenges in life to-date.
Thanks Agent Smith, I’m learning and growing inside every day.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
I won’t go into details as that might be too much to reveal my identity, but last night I got to watch the hamster wheel spin and spin, and I was strong and avoided the urge to fight. I simply avoided and watched that increase the spinning from afar… knowing a bit more about what is going on in my wife’s head (after reading through posts and books), I see where this is all leading and am shocked at how quickly things escalate and I think I have a clearer idea what she is thinking… of course I could be completely wrong.
Yet, I am proud of hanging in there and not engaging, not fighting.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
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