Home › Forums › MGTOW Central › How to deal with backstabbing from family?
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experienced 3 years, 4 months ago.
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Dear all,
i am still in recovery from a very nasty breakup and ask for advice.
A few years ago i broke up with my girlfriend and was separated from my children. The laws and settings in my country are much different from the ones in the US. Therefore i am not present as a father in their lives.
In hindsight a lot of puzzle pieces came together and i realised that my girlfriend most likely has a borderline personality disorder. Don’t want to start a discussion about this diagnose as it would make things more complicated in this context.
She completely f~~~ed up my whole life: my + her family hate me, i lost my social circle, dropped out of university, never saw my children again since then, she got all the support from institutions and persons. Nobody gave a f~~~ about me nor that the children would see their father.
It is her masterpiece. She turned my family against me and got them to finance her crusade against me in court.
To maintain my sanity i tried to forgive and forget them. But still years later it f~~~ing haunts me every day.
My family failed to understand how it actually is and is still to blind to see whats going on. As a consequence i cut ties and exclude them from my life. It eats me up.
How can i deal with this loss and betrayal and finally find my peace?
The best to you,
John
Anonymous42After family s~~~s on you and blackb~~~~ you they’ll never change, they’re blind to their dysfunctional and bizarre behavior, your family is like most families (including my own) riddled with many forms of character defect.
The problem is apparently you can’t soak this up with the burning desire for vindication, truth, and justice, just accept that day will never come as memories fade and confessions and apologies will never come. You’re caught in the destructive riff this society has constructed for men.
Keep the WALL between you and them and build it stronger for ever unless they start dismantling it first.
Multi MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of men have been villeinized and isolated from being a father, father has become a dirty word as that’s now the State’s new found position.
All men can do at this point is WALL off women before they ruin your life or after they ruin your life.
John, take comfort in the fact you’re not alone, millions of us are building little walls around ourselves to protect ourselves from this raging battle!
The MGTOW WALL should always encompass you on all sides, after years of this defensive strategy and stone laying (in the natural course of events) I find myself encompassed in a stone bomb shelter and all I hear is the thump of bombs going off all around me as men are being torn to pieces.
I will never be divorced raped.
I will never suffer false rape accusations.
I will never be placed under arrest over a woman, mangina, white Knight or the likes with their long sticky tentacles.
I will never argue with a woman again, I will defend my manhood by simply being and not giving a solitary f~~~ what they may or may not think, say, or approve!
I will be a man above all else! A man does not kneel before a woman EVER!
My brother and mother (the only family I have left) did the same thing to me last year in my divorce. The kept ties with my ex-wife, even going to her residence (my old one) and having dinner with her and the “new” guy that she moved in three weeks after I moved out. My mother even made the comment that it was weird seeing him sitting in my leather recliner. The divorce wasn’t even official and they were doing that. I found out that she was dogs’itting the ex-wifes dog. The worst part is that the new lady I was seeing was so looking forward to having a mother in law in her life as she had lost her parents long ago. When we found out how my mother and brother was acting it just crushed her. I haven’t spoken to my relatives in over a year now. If you read my introduction my new lady and I are now having issues and may not last. Even if that ends it will not change the pain and hurt my relatives have caused me and I don’t see that getting better.
Just don't care anymore,,,,
Understand that your exGF and her family have only further revealed THEIR CHARACTERS by their behaviors. How you choose to respond to the situation reveals your own.
Forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. You can forgive the Ex and her t~~~ family, and should because it improves YOUR character and life. Not forgetting what happened keeps you from making the same mistakeagain.When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.
Anonymous42My mother even made the comment that it was weird seeing him sitting in my leather recliner. The divorce wasn’t even official and they were doing that.
S~~~ like that ^^^^ is what has my human bonding Velcro packed full of plaster! I know what feels like TC.
John,
This hits pretty close to home. This post is almost exactly my situation 30 years after…There is a factor here that you may not yet see that might help you. I also came from a pretty screwed up family. Alcoholics, drug addicts,… etc. The relationships between us all were not unlike the politics of a prison yard. Dog-eat-dog… every man for himself… that sort of crap.
Somewhere early on along the way, I made the decision that I would not be a product of the screwed up system I was born into. I wanted a life without the drama and psychopathology, and focused on education as the means of escape. No one really noticed until I started to succeed in that effort. Clean, sober, educated, respected (by society and myself)… Eventually, distant relatives not part of the screwed up family started to notice, and cheered. Then, the siblings turned on me… jealousy and envy are powerful influences on behavior.
It’s a very hard reality to realize that your own blood can’t be trusted to have your back. Denying it and trying to ignore it invites it to get worse. Trying to fix it results in you getting eaten alive. Thinking it might be your fault and trying to fix it or make it up somehow is just blood in the water… and encourages more of it as well. Acknowledging what it is and that it can’t be fixed is depressing because it means we are essentially orphans.
But there is no rule that says orphans cannot be happy, successful and safe. That was an easy enough realization to accept when it was first pointed out to me. The harder thing to realize was that I (you) DO NOT OWE A RELATIONSHIP TO ANY PERSON. Like a criminal prison yard, or street gang, there is a lot of imposed expectation of blind loyalty and shaming and guilt if you try to leave it. These toxic relationship systems have to have that in order not to be abandoned. But it’s bulls~~~. No one outside a street gang believes you owe them anything.
You also do not owe a relationship with a screwed up family to any person outside that family. There are people who think you should have a relationship with your family no matter what. They are misinformed. They usually come from families they can trust, and assume everyone else does, and don’t know any better than to give that advice to people like us who are much better off living as orphans.
You can amputate a screwed up family from your life. No calls, no contact, no visits, no interactions. You do not owe them. Sharing a last name does not obligate you to interact or have a relationship with them. In fact, if they financed your ex’s plan to ruin your life, most here would say you owe it to yourself to amputate them out of your life.
It sounds drastic, but once you do it, you’ll find that the world does not end. Gravity does not reverse, locusts do not descend on crops and rivers don’t turn to blood. It is not the end of the world.
And I promise you that once you have done this, you will discover loads of energy and time that get freed up to use on other things that are much more beneficial to yourself. That peace you seek is most definitely out here. You have permission to abandon toxic family wether they agree or not, and you will not be the only person ever to have made the decision, and to be grateful that you have after having done so.
If this is hard to accept all at once, try this: no contact for 30 or 60 days. No calls, visits, emails, interactions of any kind. Don’t announce it, just do it. See if you feel better or worse at the end of that time. If you don’t miss them, give it another 30 days and see if you feel better or worse without their input into your life. (I’ve been doing these 30 day trials for almost 30 years with my family… got happy, healthy, and rich over that time… ‘haven’t missed them yet).
But while doing this, make sure to focus all the energy that used to go into thinking about them, interacting with them, and trying to manage or fix relationships with them, into something that benefits you and only you.
Work, travel, hobbies, sports, education, reading books at the library… whatever you’re into. It doesn’t matter, as long as it benefits you, and has nothing to do with them. That peace you seek does not take so long to appear…
Report back here in a month or two with what you’ve accomplished, but make your post completely devoid of any mention or reference to the family…
Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you
Have faith in God.
Then faith in yourself.
You’ve come to the right place here.Sooner or later you may come to the conclusion that rather than the situation being a version of ‘my family was near perfect and then this happened so I’m devastated’, you will instead start having insights, the grouping of past perceptions into a meaningful whole. The way one of your family described a certain situation years ago, will now be seen in a different light. Or the way they reacted recently, when “templated” upon decades ago, will allow you to see the actual reality of them then, vs. now.
When you then fit together what was done then, with how they are proceeding now, it will provide relief. Key is to take the insights as they come and weigh them for accuracy/objectivity. Unfortunately, they will arrive slowly, but when they do, they snap into place with an unmistakable clarity. I hope this helps you.On a general note, your family is abusive to you now, chances are they were abusive to you in your youth and regrettably you’ve been raised to seek out abuse or wisps of it “as love” because to every child, the assumption is that “what I’m receiving is love” even in cases when it is not. So you must be on guard. You must say,” this is not a healthy reproductive set up to be carried on at my expense.”
PS, I wrote this and then saw BrainPilot’s entry. I respect him and hope this doesn’t come off as a copying.
"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."
Women cause all kinds of problems, one of the biggest being that when you break up/get divorced then you lose every friend or associate that you ever made while together as they will inevitably take the woman’s side like the good little brainwashed f~~~ers they are.
People will talk and talk about family to end. It doesn’t matter, leave them, man. I did it, they were too negative and manupulative and expected to get away with it because they were my family. Thought they could treat me like s~~~ but I hate to treat them nice because “family”.
Let it go, it sucks, but the memories and the sting will fade away. Remember, time can heal all wounds. Just give it more time, dude. I’ve also found that putting some distance between you and them can greatly help. Live in the same town? Move away if you can. You can’t expect a wound to heal if you rip the bandage off every day and pour salt into the wound.
Keep the WALL between you and them and build it stronger for ever unless they start dismantling it first.
Same thing, put big ass bandage on it and let it be. Let it heal, and know that your life is no longer as s~~~ty with these f~~~ers in it. There is nothing you can do to sway their minds, and who cares? You’re not missing out, man. Oh no, you don’t get to hang around with s~~~ty people, so sad.
Let it go, knowing that their lives have suffered with you not being in it, and your life is better without them in it.
Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions are presented as evidence.
The previous posts offer excellent insights into your painful situation. I wish you the best.
If I were in your situation (I’m not), then I would study up on the first sermon of the Buddha. I would do what he recommended 25 centuries ago.
Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?
Just stay strong brother. It’s my belief that when family takes sides with your ex, they are only doing it to be able to still have contact with the child. Not saying that’s why they are taking her side. But, that’s something to keep in mind. Instead of beating yourself up thinking that everyone is against you. Women are master manipulators. So I’m sure the bitch has pumped their heads full of s~~~. Just think positive and tell yourself that at least your child does have someone of your blood in her life. That’s so much better then your daughter only having your ex’s blood degrading you in the ground. Maybe your mother is a better manipulator then your ex. And she’s just playing her game until it’s time to go in for the kill. Something to think about.
Ah yes, the moment when you come to the realization that your family, isn’t much of a “family” at all. Look at it this way … any illusions you were under about your family’s love for you in the past, is gone. It’s difficult for most people to to realize that their family, and the s~~~ society we live in, are two of the same. Society is your gynocentric family, it is mine, it’s all of ours. Therefor, your family was programmed to hate men too, including the manginas in your family, not just the women.
It’s a cold hard reality to confront, but it’s important you confront it, and then accept it for what it is. Sever as many ties as you can, with anyone who is not in the best interest of you, and your future.
Anonymous54The relationships between us all were not unlike the politics of a prison yard.
Relationships must be maitained,cultivated. Mutual respect and careing.Even family.Esepialy family. If not,you owe them nothing,better off on your own.
Anonymous0How can i deal with this loss and betrayal and finally find my peace?
Doesn’t sound like there’s really anything you can do. So just blow it off. You know, the Serenity Prayer and all that: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”
In a way, it’s kind of a free ride when there’s simply nothing to be done about it. You just file it away and forget about it, at least until such time as something changes on *their* side.
Besides, you said that you’re in recovery. So you don’t need complications anyway. Put all that old s~~~ aside and just focus on rebuilding your life on the day-to-day level. There will be a time to deal with that stuff, for example when the children become old enough to call their own shots and want to know who their father is. But that’s probably a long way off. For now, don’t borrow trouble by fussing about things you can’t change. Put it all aside, file it away, and focus on rebuilding yourself.
If you find yourself dwelling on that old stuff, then try journaling: Write down everything that happened with the ex and the kids and the families, as though you were writing a letter to your adult kids explaining why you were unable to contact them. Write down every detail. Then file it away. Someday, when your kids contact you, you can take out the letter and decide at that time if you want them to know all that info. But don’t worry about if for now. Just write it down, do a brain dump and capture it on paper, put it on file, and then forget about it. Get past that old stuff and work on keeping the focus on you and your current needs.
The journaling exercise can be helpful when you find yourself obsessing about a complicated situation. You may be obsessing because you’re simply trying to retain it and keep it all straight in your head in case you need to account for your actions someday in the future. So journaling will solve that problem. Do a brain dump, capture it on paper, and then you can let go of it in your mind because you have the journal to remind you of the details.
Get a visa and try someplace else. Get new start and then come back on your terms.
If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.
Have nothing to do with them after this.
A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!
I was going through the same thing with my family. I threatened to cut ties with them and to never go to any social gatherings, xmas, nothing to do with them ever, EVER! Their attitudes towards me seemed to change after I told them how it is and how it will be if things don’t change. Why should you suffer for someone else dude? Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I hope you prosper.
What people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle. Rise above. Focus on science.
I totally agree with you twostep. The journal idea is a great tool. It has worked wonders for me. To be honest I haven’t wrote a letter since I was in school some 25 years ago. But, something clicked in me one day I was in a deep depression stage. I decided to write down what was on my mind. And I don’t understand what it is but, for some reason when I write out all my problems on paper. Then read it to myself. It just makes me feel better for some f~~~ed up reason. But I destroy my writing by fire after I’m done. But if I had kids to file it for in the future I guess might be a good idea I guess. But I’m afraid of mine falling into the wrong hands some how. And coming back to bite me in the ass. Anyways try the writing s~~~ down for some f~~~ed up reason it helps.
Like everyone else is saying, cut them off. They have already shown whose side they are on. Now more than ever you must go your own way. It is reasons like this that a man must be strong. Not because of others, not in spite of others, but for yourself. If all else fails, you must not fail yourself. At the very least you’re on a website with guys who know what you’re going through and can help with encouragement and guidance if nothing else. Stay strong and do not give up.
As for things you can do to help take your mind off of it, KNOWLEDGE!!! Your free time now is all yours. I’ve been picking up on a few things, like basic electronics, investing, music, more than that, but you get the idea. You can check out books from the library, but you keep what you learn forever.
Learn from the past, Control the present, and you will know the Future.
It is her masterpiece. She turned my family against me and got them to finance her crusade against me in court.
To maintain my sanity i tried to forgive and forget them. But still years later it f~~~ing haunts me every day.
My family failed to understand how it actually is and is still to blind to see whats going on. As a consequence i cut ties and exclude them from my life. It eats me up.
How can i deal with this loss and betrayal and finally find my peace?
Walk away. Bide your time. When they try to get back in contact with you, needing someone to take care of them in their old age, and they will, remind them of their betrayal. Then continue walking away.
Hi, John
Just wanted to say were all here for you. I wanted to say that the exact same thing happened to me in 2003. When my ex decided that our trailer home was too small for me and she (with her mothers influence) wanted me to build a big home on our property, buy her a new vehicle, and have another child (we only had one). I told her no, no, no, and especially couldnt happen off of my $10 per hour salary and her very hard stay at home mom job.
With her mothers influence she left me because I refused to deal with terrorists. It seemed like minutes, but it was probably a couple of weeks. My entire family from both sided were shunning me and it was already deemed my fault no matter what. I was no longer invited to my family Thanksgiving or Christmases on both sides. They actually invited her and my son to certain parties, but not me. I was an instant black sheep. Hell, my dad even bought her a $3500 vehicle!!!!
Needless to say, she took me for child support and marriage settlement money and got it. So at the hardest point of my life, my family was gone with the wind and I was stuck with the bill. I dont talk to ANY of these people except my son and my dad. The only reason I talk to my dad is because of apologies and the fact that he doesnt have much longer. It took a lot of soul searching to burn all of those bridges, but all these years have passed and I know that I have made the right decision.
On another note, my son turned 18 last month and child support is over!!! I told that bitch of a mother of his never to contact me again. So far so good. So John, keep your wits, there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though it is a long one.
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