Many of you remember the dorm drama that has been going on in my floor. If you don’t here’s a brief summary:
A male neighbor keeps bringing his girlfriend in to use the men’s room on the men’s side of the dorms. I brought it up to him and politely asked him to tell her to go to the women’s room. He was reluctant but agreed. He became very cold and distant to me after that- wouldn’t respond when I said “Hi” in passing, etc.
One day, he and I were both using the men’s room and, me being the guy who likes to be on good terms with everyone, I asked him if we could just get along for the remaining part of the year- and he said I was reinforcing a Patriarchy-type system, violently suppressing women, and defining a woman’s space by asking him to have his girlfriend use the women’s room instead of the men’s room. He demanded that I apologize to his girlfriend if I wanted things between me and him to become cordial. I caved and apologized.
Fast forward to today. He has been bringing his girlfriend in to the men’s room for weeks now, and I’m still upset at this and uncomfortable using the men’s room when she is there.
So, I contacted a female residential staff member that I met a few days ago, who is my age, and who lives in the dorms as well. I don’t know her very well, but she’s on staff, she seemed friendly earlier, and she’s a woman so I figured her perspective could help. She and I had a talk, and I explained everything to her that I just told you guys.
Guess what? She declared that she is a feminist.
BUT WAIT- SHE AGREED WITH ME!
She immediately told me that I was being more than fair and that he was being unreasonable. She offered to go talk to him, and said her position as a woman would help her (the guy had argued that women are oppressed and she would say she doesn’t feel oppressed if she can’t enter the men’s bathroom).
Long story short, she went, she told him not to send his girlfriend in the men’s room again, and she told me that if he ever does it again, to let her know and she’ll take the matter further.
OH, and get this, HE IMMEDIATELY AGREED WITH HER. He didn’t even argue! He gave me so much BS for no reason. Maybe he didn’t put up a fight with her because she was in a position of authority and could get him kicked out of the dorm if he was rude.
So basically, I just allied with a feminist to prevent another feminist from intimidating me.
That said, I completely recognize that this feminist female staff member, who is on my side right now, is not my friend. She is a self-declared, proud feminist, and I recognize that this means that she and I could have problems in the future. So I will be keeping her at a distance as well.
Lessons I’ve learned from this ordeal:
1. Stand your ground. The moment he started throwing the “suppressing women” rhetoric at me, I should have asked him if he felt comfortable going to the women’s bathroom (as one of you recommended in the original post). The fact that he didn’t put up an argument at all with her shows that he himself doesn’t believe in this idea of “women having the right to use men’s rooms” enough to fight for it passionately.
2. Don’t give a **** about people like this guy. If he wants to be aggressive and inconsiderate, that’s fine. I do not have a duty to be nice to people who are rude to me. He probably knows by now that I sent in the female staff member (she maintained my anonymity, but he can figure it out). I don’t care anymore.
3. Assemble Coalitions. Strength in numbers. Especially with powerful people. The moment I brought on this female staff member, another staff member joined her to back her up if she needed it. I essentially had two authorities on my side.
4. Never apologize to maintain peace. Only apologize if I do something wrong and genuinely regret it. But if I apologize for peace, I give away self-respect and ask to be mistreated. No more.
5. Change my approach to women. Till now, it had been completely indifferent and ice-cold, but as you can see from this account, it was a woman who ultimately helped me resolve this. So be on diplomatic terms with all from now on. You never know when you might need one’s support.
RoyDal 4 years, 2 months ago.
