Divorced after 8 years, 1 child, taking the high road after her affair.

[letgoandletgodParticipant 37]

Hello brothers, after a long and very rough journey on the road of divorce it’s been about 1 year since separation and 9 months since the divorce was granted. I’m going to try to condense my story and how I got through up to this point in hopes that it may help someone else. It was nothing less than nightmarish at the time but I believe there’s always a purpose to our pain.
I have never found it in me to write everything and revisit it but I am fine to do so now and hope if you are going through a divorce that you can find the strength to keep it all together and hold on for the storm to pass.

We were together for close to 9 years, in hindsight I was young, we both were and didn’t know what life was about, I didn’t know what to look for in a partner and neither did she. I wanted “love” and she was basically looking for a way out of a bad family situation.
We both got what we wanted for a while, but for most women, love has conditions.
We had a child together who is now 8 years old.
I pulled her through many horrible situations and practically “saved” her from the life she was trying to get away from. I helped her when she was at her rock bottom and suicidal, I looked after our child for a year by myself when she couldn’t because of her psychological issues.
We had our ups and downs but I believed we would pull through anything.
I believed our love was special and had no conditions. After all she promised “forever”.

She had been caught flirting with other men, she had a long distance affair as well when our sex life wasn’t “enough” for her.
During that time we almost ended it but I forgave her for what happened and tried to make things work. We stayed together for years after that.
She was a reckless spender and didn’t know the meaning of the word savings, on top of that she had mood swings all the time and treated me like garbage for no reason whatsoever, but it was always the disorder’s fault. And I accepted that, and loved her despite of it because I accepted that it was part of her and who she was.
After a big life change she started taking care of herself, her entire physical appearance changed. She went from looking like Precious to a Kardashian, and of course, after a woman’s ego becomes that big due to a change like that, she feels she “deserves” “better”.
She wanted more money, sex more often (at the start of a relationship you always make love like bunnies but after 8 years what can I say, it gets bland).

Forward to the breakup.

She became cold, very distant, not receptive to my affection and at that point I knew something was wrong. She was behaving like she did the first time she had an affair. This is the time she started pulling anything she could use against me out and made it seem like it was all my fault.
Everything I couldn’t do for her to fix her insecurities popped up.
I wasn’t enough of this or that. Mind you I would have jumped in front of a train for her at that time.
It wasn’t enough, I was to blame.
After begging her to keep our family together for a week or two I sort of accepted it. I said I can’t force her to love me. I also told her if there was someone else involved it wasn’t worth doing this to our child over that.
A few days after that I found it all on her phone, love messages to some guy I didn’t know existed. Who knows how long they were talking but it was sick.
I couldn’t believe someone who I loved deeply and saved their life would do this to me.
She couldn’t care less. She said our relationship was over long before so it wasn’t cheating because she didn’t love me anymore.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I was still in denial and hoping her mind would change.
It didn’t and she moved rapidly. She would not stop talking to this man and even spoke to him on the phone in the washroom while I was in the bedroom. I had to live with that for a few months before I couldn’t take it.
It was emotionally crippling. I had to hear her laughter and muffled talking to this guy while I was under the same roof, every night it happened, she would be on the phone for about 5 hours.
It turned out to be another long distance relationship.
Here’s where it gets mega-f’d up.
She tells me she’s going to move to his country with our child in a year or two and asks me if I’m going to come along.
I could not believe my ears. I instantly went from missing her and trying to win her back, to saying F her, how do I protect my child from this monster?

I did ALL my research. I was scurrying to find out how to protect my child.
I went to many free-consultations with lawyers, joined divorce forums and got a great amount of knowledge from all of it. Divorce support groups also helped me tremendously.
I wanted us to get divorced ASAP. She was in lala land with this guy and I needed to protect our child.
When I told her I wanted the divorce done asap she asked me why the rush? I said because I want it dealt with now so we can put it behind us.
I found out how to do an uncontested divorce, no court involved, we did it, and we both agreed to joint legal custody with shared time.
The funny thing is I almost didn’t know to ask for that, I almost got divorced with no custody order in place and then at the last minute found out I NEEDED to have it court-ordered so I ran to the office and they didn’t file the papers yet, so I was able to get them to add that in there and get her into the office to sign off on it as well since we didn’t know about it.
I would have been f’d if there was nothing in place.
I also did a MASSIVE amount of research on parenting plans and with a little back and forth got one done with her that worked out for both of us.

Since then it’s been 50/50 down the middle but I’ve been with him a little more than her in terms of hours.
The crazy thing is that a week after moving apart from eachother she told our child about her boyfriend and started getting them to say “I love you” to eachother soon after.
I told her family I’d take her to court if she tried to leave the country with our son and I think they told her that (after like a month or two) and so she convinced her boyfriend to move here (he has no kids).

I had to wait a few months to hear that he was moving here, so during that time my anxiety was up the roof, I was as nervous and worrisome as anyone could be in fear that my child would be going to another country. It was HORRIBLE.

After a few months of our move her boyfriend moved in with her.
I did a lot of research on how divorce can affect a child’s life and everything in it.
I basically took the high road, as hard as it was.
I forgave. Because the hatred within me was eating away at me.
The hate was so strong it was scary sometimes. I reminded myself, no, I can’t afford to lose my temper and do something stupid, my son NEEDS me.
So after a lot of internal work I accepted what it was.
I met her boyfriend before he moved in with them and was polite to him.

The hardest part was the time I would miss seeing my son.
I had to endure so much emotional trauma on her part towards me because of all this. The things she said to me, saying she only stayed with me because it was convenient for her and such things were really hard to swallow.
The crazy thing is that I sometimes still miss the old “family” we had.
I at times miss certain things but I think I’m just processing the feelings since I had to push them to the side to protect my child for so long.
I had other priorities and couldn’t deal with the emotions.
After a year of this, looking back it sure does get better, but it’s a slow process.
It takes a lot of time to see that change.
At the beginning I’d cry each and every day, maybe 3 or 4 times a day.
After a few months it turned to 1 or 2 times a day.
Then months after I’d cry 2 times a week. It’s that kind of change.
But grief is a rollercoaster. I still have days where I feel like I’m in a slump and need to just cry. I still miss my child when he leaves.
I am doing what I can to improve myself and get involved with social activity.
I have found that isolating yourself is easy when you get divorced but very bad for your emotional well-being.
I miss affection but don’t want to be in a relationship AT ALL.
I will not enter another one.
I am going to make sure when my son is with me that he has my undivided attention and not have to “share” me with another person that way.
That would suck since it’s what has happened with his mother.

It hurts to see another man with my child, to see my son have that kind of love towards him, even though at the same time I wouldn’t want him to have a bad relationship with him, it just stings a little because my son has no idea this man was the affair partner, he knew she had a family from the start but didn’t care at all, didn’t care how it would affect a child’s life. But it wasn’t in my control. I had to let it go. I had to just accept that I could only do what I could do when my child was with me, and when he’s with them I’m off duty, I relinquish the responsibilities to his mother and hope for the best.

I believe in karma, I believe that things don’t just happen like this without reaping what you sow. I try to look at it and say, she is her bf’s problem now, not mine. Why would I want to remain with someone capable of doing that to another human being anyways?
I kept it amicable the entire time, I didn’t lash out at her at all, and that probably saved me from lots of the BS that divorce can bring.
I have had to see her all the time, so that made healing very slow, I see her almost every day due to our circumstances. But I keep my head up and it’s getting easier.

I have dealt with anxiety for a long time and have had to go up on my meds recently because of the toll the trauma took on me, physically and emotionally, but I’m not ashamed of it, it’s what I needed to do to take care of myself. I see a therapist and submerge myself in positive activities.
I do what I can to make sure I’m ok. You have to. Take care of yourself because if you have a child they need you to be ok. Don’t beat yourself up for having bad days or feeling down. Just know that it will get better. Good things are going to happen. Sorry for the long post. Cheers.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Welcome home brother

[Blue SkiesParticipant 15665]

thanks for sharing your story. it brings wisdom to the men who haven’t been through the experiences you went through.

MGTOW is not a movement, it is a way of life.

[neverAgainParticipant 1662]

letgoandletgod wrote:

The hardest part was the time I would miss seeing my son.

letgoandletgod wrote:

It hurts to see another man with my child, to see my son have that kind of love towards him, even though at the same time I wouldn’t want him to have a bad relationship with him, it just stings a little because my son has no idea this man was the affair partner

damn… reading this hurts…
i’m sorry to hear this pain that you go through.
we’re here to support each other…

—
welcome to the mgtow forums

All good things come to an end.

[letgoandletgodParticipant 37]

Thank you brothers, means a lot.

[Anonymous 5]

Welcome home and thanks for sharing. It was a great read.
At some stage you’ll internalise the Red Pill and realise the “New” man is going to cop the same routine you did.
The harder you try to be a good, understanding man with women, the more you’ll get f~~~ed over. It’s easy to see in hindsight.

letgoandletgod wrote:

I didn’t know what to look for in a partner and neither did she. I wanted “love” and she was basically looking for a way out of a bad family situation.

I fell for this one as well. Yep, we’re Captain Save-A-Ho heroes who got exactly what we deserved. I can laugh about it now and the day you can laugh about it you’ll be free too.
Despite her stories of a f~~~ed up family situation, she kept dragging us back into her family situation our whole marriage, where I was always made out to be the outsider from the very beginning to the bitter end.

The real message in MGTOW is the “Girlfriend bait and switch” scam. (The NAWALT stage)
Just be aware of this one single female scam and all the rest of Red Pill is gravy.
You’ll never have to go through the torture and abuse ever again.

[letgoandletgodParticipant 37]

Anonymous wrote:

the “New” man is going to cop the same routine you did.
The harder you try to be a good, understanding man with women, the more you’ll get f~~~ed over. It’s easy to see in hindsight.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. You said it brother, I see it happening already, the co-dependence is already in effect. Sorry you also had to go through being the “savior”. You’re right about not having to go through that kind of abuse again. It’s sad how common this kind of thing is. When you really want to be the best father possible and give your kid stability and security and this kind of this happens, it’s groundbreaking. But I guess it’s just something he’s going to realize when he gets older.
Right now he’s still very young but as he ages he’s going to look back and be like wow, my dad really stepped up and did everything he could to keep my life as stable as possible and he will remember how her Mr. Wonderful showed up immediately after our break-up.
He’ll probably connect the dots.
Glad you made it out of your divorce in one piece. I am glad I did too, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments after where I wondered if I was strong enough to handle it. Hope more men are able to take in the red pill sooner than later.

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

Welcome home, my friend. Read some of the other introductions / stories / etc. You will find that your experience is not altogether unusual, nor is it uncommon.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[MGTOWmonkey aka No More Fucks To GiveParticipant 6635]

letgoandletgod wrote:

I believe in karma, I believe that things don’t just happen like this without reaping what you sow

And that my friend will be the demise of that relationship. One thing about relations~~~s is as bad as they are the foundation is very important to go its full potential. Their foundation is built on lies,cheating,deceit,dishonesty,family disruption,as well as selfishness. There is no way the building can stand,when s~~~ hits the fan they have no solid block to fall back on so the structure will collapse unfortunately with your kid witnessing it. In time you will be to a point where you will say to yourself “I can’t believe I was so crazy about her” “thank god I got out when I did” “Wow he is so screwed”.Now your life is about you and if being a good father makes you happy then you be that. Indulge yourself in your own self interest and never let anyone shame you for only being about your interest. Keep reading this forum and getting the necessary information for recovery. Life is gonna get better,when he’s not a convenience for her anymore she will repeat the same cycle,not your problem anymore. Good luck man and great read.

Never lose sight of what brought you here.

[MagnusParticipant 30]

Brother you are man I would like to aspire to be. Keep going on the right path, it will all work out in your favor in the end.

[CombatRollParticipant 2594]

What a roller coaster you’ve been on and I’m glad you came through it and are better off now.

Your story is a common one. Being taken advantage of and used until ‘they’ decide to move on to some other victim. It’s incredible that all these women can be programmed the same way. To take, take, take and then simply say “f~~~ it” and move on leaving a wake of misery and heartache. Such bulls~~~.

Hang in there and be strong. I commend your ability to stay focused and research and stay the plan to get through the divorce the way you did. It sounds like you prevailed and I hope you were able to keep your finances in tact.

Also, great job staying focused on your son and being a great day.

You should be proud.

[narwhalParticipant]

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’re going through.

Be careful about depending on karma. You don’t want to base your happiness on the anticipated failure of someone else. It is entirely possible that she may end up having a very happy life from here on out. It may be that she appears to be happy but is miserable on the inside. She may never realize how horribly she treated you. Doesn’t matter, you can be happy regardless.

Also, it’s great that you are insulating your son from all this. However, there will come a time where he needs to know the truth. Not to turn him away from his mother, but so that he understands and can learn from the mistakes you made, and how the world works. For years, I didn’t tell my kids that their mom was getting child support from me. They have reached an age though were they needed to know why they seemed to get more stuff from mom then from me. They needed to know that although you can pick whatever career you want, some careers are going to pay a lot less…and you need to be happy with that as well.

Ok. Then do it.

[Anonymous 0]

Welcome home, Let go
You are among people who care about you
I look forward to your posts

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

letgoandletgod wrote:

It hurts to see another man with my child, to see my son have that kind of love towards him, even though at the same time I wouldn’t want him to have a bad relationship with him, it just stings a little because my son has no idea this man was the affair partner, he knew she had a family from the start but didn’t care at all, didn’t care how it would affect a child’s life.

I went through the same hell as you almost vebatim, same s~~~ went through my head, and I know what you’re feeling very well.
If it’s any consolation kids grow up and get wise. They see each parent for what they are and what they did. As long as you stay the good guy and act it, in the end you will prevail as I did. Woman use the excuse ‘I just stopped loving’ and they’re off the hook. Men use it and they say you abandoded your family. There will be lots of cases of double standards and laws that favor her in your future. Stay the high road and don’t jump into a reltionship on the rebound. Come here to get support from men who lived it, and not from woman who offer false love and support to use you when you are vunerable. Scary times but they do get better with time.
Welcome

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

Wow and welcome. I went through a very similar situation just last year. Even down to the part about doing tons of research and getting 50/50 custody of my two children. Great job. You are clearly a good man and your son is lucky to have you as his father.

I am still reeling emotionally but doing much better, in no small part to this website and the men here who freely give their support and show their care to other men they don’t even know. It’s been pretty amazing and something I am very grateful for.

One thing I want to mention – your ex may be part of the cluster B personality types (my ex is BPD – f~~~ing awful). Google some info as some more s~~~ with your ex is likely to come up as they cannot help but try to control everything, no matter who gets hurt, even themselves. PM me if you would like to discuss things further.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[SteelCityBlueParticipant 5]

Am I the only one who said “oh f~~~” when they read the words “other country”?

Welcome. It will get better.

[AttonParticipant]

This is what happens when you get involved, welcome to the site.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

[PuniShredderParticipant 2268]

I’d be taking the low road to making her life hell.

Be professional be polite but always have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Hey man,

I have a son the same age as yours, and I could NOT live with that, so my respect and admiration goes out to you. I’ve no idea how you cope, but i guess you have no choice but to accept what that bitch did to you.

I doubt it will last with this new guy, and she will soon f~~~ him over and e onto the next. Once a c~~~, always a c~~~. Monkey branching. They don’t change.

Your son will remember you and not this other man. You have 8 years together, and he will not have an emotional bond with him like he does with you. You are his FATHER.

F~~~ man, it p~~~ed me off reading what she put you through. Theres no justice in this world.

[letgoandletgodParticipant 37]

Firstly thank you all so very much for the support, it truly has helped lift my spirit.

Solo MAN’S Wisdom wrote:

You will find that your experience is not altogether unusual, nor is it uncommon.

Thank you, you’re right, I haven’t delved as deep into the forum yet but I have seen some similar stories, it always helps to hear them and can also be inspirational to know others have overcome those obstacles.

MGTOWmonkey aka No More Fucks To Give wrote:

In time you will be to a point where you will say to yourself “I can’t believe I was so crazy about her” “thank god I got out when I did” “Wow he is so screwed”.

Thank you for putting that into perspective, it makes a lot of sense indeed. About the foundation of it, it’s very, very true, and that statement couldn’t have come to me at a better time, I’m glad I joined the forum.

Magnus wrote:

Brother you are man I would like to aspire to be. Keep going on the right path, it will all work out in your favor in the end.

Thanks brother, I appreciate that, I will stay on the right path and continue to strive for a peaceful life with my son.

CombatRoll wrote:

Also, great job staying focused on your son and being a great dad. You should be proud.

Thank you, I don’t hear it often, glad to have this newfound brotherhood behind me. I was fortunate to not have to deal with any alimony or child support and the divorce was fairly affordable. I paid for it myself but since it was uncontested it was affordable. My heart goes out to the fathers that don’t have the custody they deserve and have had to deal with financial crisis, it’s already enough going through separation, I truly wish all of them the best and hope they are able to turn it around soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Welcome home, Let go
You are among people who care about you

Means more than you can imagine brother!

FrostByte wrote:

I went through the same hell as you almost verbatim, same s~~~ went through my head, and I know what you’re feeling very well.
If it’s any consolation kids grow up and get wise.

Sorry you had to experience it as well, would like to hear about the things that helped you pull through it some time. I’m fortunate to have a lot of things backing me up in this, there’s much more stability on my end given her history and everyone at his school knows me and my character. I won’t stop being that man, being in it for his best interest. Sometimes he talks about me and his mom and throws in her bf’s name in that little “circle”, still hurts a bit but it’s getting a little less painful each time. I’m glad you made it through and prevailed. Thanks for sharing.

Back in Black wrote:

I went through a very similar situation just last year.

Sorry to hear but I’m glad you got 50/50, I couldn’t see it any other way. I’m glad you found a home here, I am also glad I have made my way here.
It’s all progress, even if you have some crappy days, the bigger picture starts to look a little better as time goes on. BPD sounded similar to her but she has bi-polar which shares a lot of traits with bpd from what I understand. Appreciate the help, will msg you soon!

SteelCityBlue wrote:

Welcome. It will get better.

Thank you, I believe it definitely will.

Atton wrote:

This is what happens when you get involved, welcome to the site.

Thx for the welcome, to any man who decides to be in a committed relationship, please be careful how much of your heart you give to that person, don’t depend on them to be happy and if you have a child, know that the minute you do, it doesn’t guarantee that you will stay together forever, even if it’s what you want. From this point on it’s pretty much damage control, doing the best I can with my son when he is with me and healing from it.

PuniShredder wrote:

I’d be taking the low road to making her life hell.

lol if only.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

Your son will remember you and not this other man. You have 8 years together, and he will not have an emotional bond with him like he does with you. You are his FATHER.

Acceptance is the key, if I didn’t accept it I’d still be holding onto hatred. And I was for a while and it was destroying me from the inside out. It was horrible. I had to let go of it to start moving towards being at peace and feeling happiness.
It was for me and my son that I did it and not for them. Thank you for those words, I believe that fully and I hold onto that.

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