Curse of being a "Fixer"

[SMADParticipant 651]

I was just pondering upon a strange dream that I had last night and I leaped out out of bed at the self realisation and “levelled up” in self awareness.

It would appear to me that I am, in fact, a “FIXER” – I seem strangely attracted and drawn to damaged people because for some reason, I believe I can heal them or make them better. Could this be why I struggle maintaining relationships with “normal” people? Because they are somehow “boring” or not damaged? I am a very complex person and so far in my life journey, other complex individuals have been somewhat “touched” in some way.

And this ties in with a (female) friend who is going through some “stuff” – she is very damaged and struggling etc, and maybe THAT is what I am drawn to mostly? I have been putting so much focus and effort onto HER, that I have been neglecting MYSELF and that’s why I have been feeling hollow and s~~~ for a while? And not just her, but people in the past, too? I give / gave TOO MUCH perhaps?

Whilst the essence of MGTOW does resonate strongly with me, I find that whilst my life is vastly simplified by filtering out a lot of bulls~~~, there is also an empty void where something else used to exist. Somehow, by being involved with someone elses drama, I feel I can help?

Many (if not all) here would suggest once the MGTOW sets in, your life should be filled with hobbies, goals and so forth. That in itself is something I agree with, but I suppose the question to ask is – if the majority of life has been a massive “lie”, where do you start the process of rebuilding? Without this “helping / fixing” of other people, I suddenly find myself looking at a very empty life.

I am an engineer by profession and so fixing / analysing everything / problem solving is a VERY GOOD skill to have. Applying that to personal relationships with friends, etc, does not seem like a useful ability (especially if linked to somewhat obsessive thinking) and so now I find myself at a point where I have achieved to an extent, but I have no idea what to do next.

“Writers block” has struck hard, motivation seems low and whilst I am looking for the next “project” or hobby to get into, at the same time, there seems a bleakness and futility to it all.

An essentially “simple life” seems boring as f~~~. I go to the gym, I go for walks, I enjoy music and art and yet I feel unfulfilled. I admit I have my own damage but despite my “fixer ability” – I have yet to find an answer on how to fix myself. Hence I seem to seek “damaged people” to possibly put off my own problems. In the case of “damaged women” – perhaps something within makes me feel that they have a “foundation of being someone wonderful, they just need a bit of help and guidance…” and unsurprisingly, either I fix them and then I get “bored” because they are normal, or they just continue their self destruction and are beyond saving.

This all seems like remnants of blue pill / white knighting and if that is the case, I will take that on the chin. I can imagine even the stoutest of MGTOW have moments of weakness and confusion. My intention for this topic is not to make anyone feel crap about this, but to perhaps generate self reflecting questions for those who read.

I would be interested in hearing others thoughts on this, or perhaps can relate?

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[Anonymous 54]

Yes I can relate.
But do not waste it on the undeserving.
A damaged Dog from a shelter can give you this same experience.
A Dog will reward you with gratitude loyalty and love.

Me and my last Dog went trough this.
One of the best, most rewardeing experiences in my life.

Damn I miss her.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

That is an interesting dilemma. I go back to looking at people as their energy. Some people give energy and some take it. Narcissists are great at appearing as though they are going to give energy, but end up being the biggest takers of energy. If people give energy, then you will both have more when you are around them. Like the energy multiplies. With a narc, you give energy and they take it, so it is an exchange and nothing is created.

Where am I going with this? If you are helping someone and feel like you have more energy, then they are most likely grateful for the help, so it’s all good. If you help someone and you end up feeling drained, then get away from them. They’re bad news.

Another issue I see is that people may not necessarily want help. So you could be annoying to that person.

Maybe it’s as simple as looking for people with depth instead of people with issues. Like you said, you “fix” someone and then they become boring for you.

Maybe you were meant to be a psychologist? Fix someone for 50 minutes, get a check, and send them on their way.

Finally, we all go through bouts of being in transition in our life. You’re just in one now. Most likely it will work itself out in a few months. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. There are people out there with way worse problems than yours. Be thankful for that.

Order the good wine

[SMADParticipant 651]

I would love to have my own dog, Sage, but sadly the place I rent doesn’t allow pets.

As a side note, I did read an interesting post put up here regarding the whole “rent vs buying a home” (think it was a YouTube video link – if someone knows this feel free to insert a link)

But back onto the whole pet idea – I can only imagine how awesome it feels to have an intelligent animal return love and affection with the complexities of a human. A dog, treated warmly and lovingly, would return it in it’s own simple way. Very envious. When I go for walks, I always take a moment to pet / stroke other peoples dogs if they come over and they look all happy. And then in a moment, they are off.

Simplicity and warmth in a fleeting moment.

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[SMADParticipant 651]

TaxGuy wrote:

That is an interesting dilemma. I go back to looking at people as their energy. Some people give energy and some take it. Narcissists are great at appearing as though they are going to give energy, but end up being the biggest takers of energy. If people give energy, then you will both have more when you are around them. Like the energy multiplies. With a narc, you give energy and they take it, so it is an exchange and nothing is created.

Where am I going with this? If you are helping someone and feel like you have more energy, then they are most likely grateful for the help, so it’s all good. If you help someone and you end up feeling drained, then get away from them. They’re bad news.

That is a very interesting take on this. I have thought about it in terms of energy too. I guess for me, it feels like if I am open and willing to “share” my energy, then making the first move invites them to open up to begin their own healing. Perhaps its like a form of “energy loan” – I don’t mind making the first move as I would like to think somewhere along the line, it would be returned. But maybe I am being naive and too optimistic? Ha!

TaxGuy wrote:

Finally, we all go through bouts of being in transition in our life. You’re just in one now. Most likely it will work itself out in a few months. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. There are people out there with way worse problems than yours. Be thankful for that.

I would have hoped it would be a phase, but I joined this site 2 years ago I believe and occasionally dip in and out. I have learned alot from the philosophy, but then maybe I thought it would be a quick fix / resolve. Like many things, it takes time and perhaps 2 years of MGTOW exposure still isn’t enough? When first embracing it, I went to the side of being very much “f~~~ women, you are all s~~~” to offset the supreme niceness. But now I feel the “harsher edge of new red-pill” has worn off (red pill rage?) and I have become more balanced in terms of MGTOW thoughts.

I am aware of how women are / can be and all that, but I guess that occasionally, I dare take a risk just to see if exceptions can be made and I find, lo and behold, the fire still burns and I re-apply the cold water to the affected area. :/

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[HitmanParticipant]

it’s your good nature to want to fix people’s problems.
but when it takes what you could have done for yourself,
and wastes it,
you robbed yourself.
.
iv’e known many people who would rather help others than themselves.
it’s easier.
the focus is off the self,
and the problems of others get the attention.
..give your car to a homeless guy,
walk to work and everywhere you go.
did that fix his problem,
or did you just screw yourself over?
no disrespect meant..
just my take on the issue.
.
we are taught not to be selfish as children,
then as adults we get used if we aren’t.
at least somewhat.

[TaxGuyParticipant]

SMAD wrote:

I am aware of how women are / can be and all that, but I guess that occasionally, I dare take a risk just to see if exceptions can be made and I find, lo and behold, the fire still burns and I re-apply the cold water to the affected area. :/

In other words, you occasionally go unicorn hunting and keep coming to the conclusion that all unicorns are like that….. got it.

Someone here has the tagline “If you go looking for a damsel in distress, all you will find is a distressed damsel”. I think he may have wrote that for you.

Order the good wine

[Anonymous 54]

Sounds like you need a complex chalange.
Go into the pysc. Field.

[Anonymous 54]

TaxGuy wrote:

That is an interesting dilemma. I go back to looking at people as their energy. Some people give energy and some take it. Narcissists are great at appearing as though they are going to give energy, but end up being the biggest takers of energy. If people give energy, then you will both have more when you are around them. Like the energy multiplies. With a narc, you give energy and they take it, so it is an exchange and nothing is created.

Where am I going with this? If you are helping someone and feel like you have more energy, then they are most likely grateful for the help, so it’s all good. If you help someone and you end up feeling drained, then get away from them. They’re bad news.

Another issue I see is that people may not necessarily want help. So you could be annoying to that person.

Maybe it’s as simple as looking for people with depth instead of people with issues. Like you said, you “fix” someone and then they become boring for you.

Maybe you were meant to be a psychologist? Fix someone for 50 minutes, get a check, and send them on their way.

Finally, we all go through bouts of being in transition in our life. You’re just in one now. Most likely it will work itself out in a few months. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. There are people out there with way worse problems than yours. Be thankful for that.

Well put Tax guy.

[Anonymous 42]

F~~~ that, being a wrecker is way easier than being a fixer!

Women got the right idea!

WRECK IT!

[Anonymous 54]

Anonymous wrote:

F~~~ that, being a wrecker is way easier than being a fixer!

Women got the right idea!

WRECK IT!

An open feild and two beaters.
Me and you
Its On!!

[SMADParticipant 651]

Hitman wrote:

it’s your good nature to want to fix people’s problems.
but when it takes what you could have done for yourself, and wastes it,
you robbed yourself.

This is exactly it. I have gaps in my own life that I very much want to address but, because I don’t have an answer for how to fix it, perhaps this is why I reach out to try and help others. But, the satisfaction I hope to receive from this feels empty because I am still left my own emptiness? Something to consider, for sure.

TaxGuy wrote:

In other words, you occasionally go unicorn hunting and keep coming to the conclusion that all unicorns are like that….. got it. Someone here has the tagline “If you go looking for a damsel in distress, all you will find is a distressed damsel”. I think he may have wrote that for you.

Hah! Message received and acknowledged! Absolutely spot on. The question is, WHY the f~~~ do I (and perhaps others here) know that the fire is going to burn us, but we still put our hand in? Insanity isn’t it? Perhaps I am plagued by “hope” that there is an exception out there, and sometimes I dare to stick my head above the trench. Except that there is almost always a sniper ready to take a headshot.

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like you need a complex chalange. Go into the pysc. Field.

Well, I agree – a complex challenge for sure is what I need. I thought I found it with my work and setting up a company but…the writers block + the current climate of things is beyond a challenge. There is one thing to get a “no thankyou” or whatever, but to be completely ignored by prospective clients… Hard to correct what you do wrong if you don’t know whats wrong, eh 🙂

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[Anonymous 54]

If this is something that causes you to struggle, you must work on the same thing I do.
Over comeing being overly Empathetic.

[SMADParticipant 651]

Anonymous wrote:

If this is something that causes you to struggle, you must work on the same thing I do. Over comeing being overly Empathetic.

This is very interesting Sage – I feel I have great empathy too. Perhaps that’s because deep down I am actually very sensitive. As I have gotten older, I have suppressed my sensitivity so that only my closest “inner circle” are aware of it. Publicly, I am somewhat stand offish, aloof and can be a bit of a difficult so and so!

Any suggestions on “curbing back” the empathy? I don’t want to become a lifeless machine, but I also don’t want to fall victim to the sound of distressed people crying out for help!

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[Anonymous 54]

Life is about balance.

How much is too much.
How much is too little.

Find that place where things work for you rather than against you.

Thays why I mention the Dog thing.

You are both rewarded eqauly.
This basic need does not need to be complex.

[Anonymous 54]

You must remind yourself that giveing too much will use you up.
Then you cant help any one.
You must look after yourself first.

[skinemaxJackParticipant 11]

TaxGuy wrote:

Finally, we all go through bouts of being in transition in our life. You’re just in one now. Most likely it will work itself out in a few months. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. There are people out there with way worse problems than yours. Be thankful for that.

Completely agree. I was a “FIXER” clear into my mid twenties. I was burned every time. Eventually I was burned bad enough to turn into a MGTOW. I’ve never looked back. Once I shed that skin I grew wings and life has never been the same. You’ll grow out of it my friend, and if you don’t… enjoy Blue Pill hell.

Father "When are you going to grow up and settle down" Son "When I damn well please."

[Anonymous 54]

I used to live in this awful place, back by an ally.
Ferrel cats every where. I couldnt save them all.
I heard a kittens distress call.
I tried to ignore it for 3 days.
Finaly I coulndt take it any more.
Her mother abamdonded her under the house.

She is sitting next to me as I write this.

[SMADParticipant 651]

Anonymous wrote:

I used to live in this awful place, back by an ally.
Ferrel cats every where. I couldnt save them all.
I heard a kittens distress call.
I tried to ignore it for 3 days.
Finaly I coulndt take it any more.
Her mother abamdonded her under the house.

She is sitting next to me as I write this.

Damn, Sage. That’s a direct hit straight to the feels lol. One of my goals for the future is to actually have a small house in the country and have an animal sanctuary – different farm animals, etc.

Marriage?  No thanks, i'm not ready to be THAT miserable.

[MGTOW KnightParticipant 7477]

SMAD wrote:

I am an engineer by profession and so fixing / analysing everything / problem solving is a VERY GOOD skill to have. Applying that to personal relationships with friends, etc, does not seem like a useful ability (especially if linked to somewhat obsessive thinking) and so now I find myself at a point where I have achieved to an extent, but I have no idea what to do next.

I work in IT, and we has men are more logical by nature. I too tend to attract people who are of a like mind to me. I”m been raked through the coals so to speak, and my friends tend to share similar experiences. Just realize that you can’t save everyone. Hell, I have a younger sister who won’t even speak with me anymore. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, and often I question what I did wrong. She and I were both adopted, and she has her personal demons. As do I. However, I can’t help someone who doesn’t want my help. In the end, you can only dictate how you live your life. Just keep going your own way my friend. Fix yourself own inequities and flaws.

Fuck bitches... literally and metaphorically

[Author]

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