Home › Forums › Marriage & Divorce › Confused, slightly scared, need advice!
Tagged: divorce
This topic contains 34 replies, has 27 voices, and was last updated by 
Theronius 4 years, 2 months ago.
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First, I just want to say that this website has been a great resource of knowledge, and all of your input has helped me tremedously thus far.
That being said, I’m seeking some serious advice. Sorry for the long read ahead of time…
I’m almost 30, married for ~4 years, no kids, and own a home together.
As of about the last 6 months, I’ve been getting this crushing feeling of just wanting to cut all ties, move across the country, and do whatever the hell I want with my life. I wouldn’t say that I don’t love my wife anymore, but the feelings have DEFINITELY gone wayyyyy downhill since we’ve been together. I feel lost, and mostly, trapped. I want to live a life for myself more than anything.
The Pros:
– She has a solid job and is very career oriented
– We have fun together…most of the time.
– She supports me in my goals for the most part.
– She’s very attractive
– She has a solid family and they love me.
Cons:
-Sex is about a 1-2x monthly occasion.
– As previously mentioned, I’m losing feelings for her.
– She’s starting to nag and complain a lot more lately.
– She’s starting to doubt my career (I’m an entrepreneur) and it’s making me doubt myself as well.
– She keeps telling me to show her more affection, and I don’t really want to most of the time.
Kicker #1 – I’m moving away for about 10 months for work, and she’s staying back here at home because of her job. The weird thing is, I’m not sad or upset one ounce about it. I’m actually really looking forward to having my own place, doing my own thing, and being able to focus on myself.
Kicker #2 – I was a stupid 21 year old and was married for all of about 4 months before. It was a pretty clean split and not much really happened besides a quick meeting with a lawyer and all was said and done. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t hold a grudge or dwell on it whatsoever. But, I know that my family and friends still remember it and I feel as if they look down on me for it. I feel as though that if I were to get another divorce before the ripe young age of 30, I will be looked down upon even more by people that I care about.
I feel like I know what I need to do, both for myself and for her sanity, as I do still care for her and don’t wish bad things upon her at all. I just can’t overcome these feelings I’ve been having. Part of me hopes that the time apart will make me realize that I’m being a dumbass about this whole situation and just going through a “phase”, but the other part of me thinks that I need to pull the trigger and move on. On top of all that, I REALLY don’t want to go through a divorce again, although my first was essentially a breeze, I’m worried that things might get messy this time.
I’m confused. I never thought I would come to posting my life story on a web forum but I’m looking for (hopefully) unbiased input and advice. This may not exactly be the best place for it 😀 but at the same time it does.
Looking forward to what ya’ll have to say.
Cheers.
Hey Timex,
Welcome to the group. You will find a lot of different perspectives to the questions you ask.
So you have been married for 4 years, have sex occasionally 1 to 2 times a month, she complains and nags to you and you have no kids. Your head is telling you the answer the you truly are looking for. Its is screaming —GET OUT NOW!!!!
If you stay , you will have a miserable life. How I know because I have lived it. Yes I did get married of my own free will, yes I decided I wanted to have kids (who I love) but life only gets more complicated over time. Its starts off with you falling in love with each other. You both make the promises to each other that its the two of you against the world . This works for a period of time then it followed by :
— getting an apartment together,
— followed by the house,
—then first kid comes followed by a second and maybe a third,
— then all the expense associated with bring up the family come up next — you work like a dog to support your family ,
—-then this is followed by her becoming unhappy because you are working your ass off to support your family– she complains the she needs more attention but neglects you in the bedroom — sex comes to a grinding halt !!
Once she becomes unhappy, you will think it your job to make her happy ( I got a secret for you– ITS NOT YOUR F~~~N JOB TO MAKE HER HAPPY!!!). You will work all day and start picking up the her slack again to make her happy!!. The more you do around the house ,the more she nags and the more she doesn’t respect you!! It’s a vicious cycle but that’s what we are told to do by society as we were growing up.
The next thing you know she has here self parked in front of either her cell phone and computer talking with friends– this leads to her finally having an affair and you are taken to divorce court because she wants out. She is f~~~ing someone else.. Now you can see this as a good sign or a bad one.
The blue pill will get angry, tell her he still loves her and will do anything to win her back.
The red pill guy see the situation for what it is, has already prepared his exit strategy and see this as an opportunity to move to a better place in life.
My question to you — which way do you see this? as an opportunity to make yourself happy or will you be a blue pill guy that gets mad as hell and will try to do anything to win her make?
The choice is your? what is your answer?
All right, I’ll chime in.
I did the somewhat opposite of what you did…..single until I was almost 41. The rest is a parallel universe. The same s~~~…not enough attention, I don’t compliment her enough, I could make more money, etc. Six and a half years into our marriage and she bangs a guy on one of her out of town trips (actually went out of town to attend her stepfather’s funeral…..who she hated).
While I never really got over it, I learned to live with it. (Cheaper to keep her mentality). That mentality is a LOSING mentality. There is no damn way one can be happy with an attitude like that. I wasn’t miserable, as I simply started a steady diet of little red pills. I was somewhere in between happy and miserable, but I felt stuck. I landed a job that I hated, only to be home more often to take care of her needs. You see, that was part of her controlling personality….she bombarded me with her wants and needs.
And I needed to be home more often. Never mind my career aspirations or the fact that I’m in the big money portion of my life. So I plodded along for three more years and then she sprung it on me. She wants a divorce. And she’s a lesbian. Bye bye.
In my experience, women who promulgate that they’re not getting enough attention usually find a way to get it. Just not with you. I was also confused at the end of my relationship with my ex. But it didn’t last long (confusion). And yes, the divorce process sucks. But it’s better than plodding along….somewhere between happy & miserable.
Just my two cents; your mileage may vary.
Whore Magnet
The only thing you must be aware of is that the behavior you observe in your wife is the absolute apex of her personality and her treatment of you.
And it’s also fake as f~~~.You are the only one that made that promise honestly, and when/if you realize it, it will be far too late.
Keep this at the back of your mind, other than that you’ve said you’re worried about the divorce being a hassle.The thing is doing it later is only going to make it more of a hassle.
Now on the positive side if by some miracle your wife is how you describe her and isn’t faking it, she’s probably the best woman you could spend your life with compared to the putrid s~~~ the other ones are.
If you decide to stay with her guard your sperm like your whole life depends on it
the funny thing is it actually does.
Ultimately you’re your own man and keep in mind what i’ve said is heavily biased.It comes from my personal experience and from what i observed to happen with others.You asked for an unbiased opinion, i apologize this is all i have to offer.Good luck!
Timex a man is married or a man is free.
Your a man who wants to be free.
Your mental well being is next to be tested.
Its no fun fighting for your sanity no matter how beautiful your opponent is.
With emotional battles she will always have the advantage.
If you can lose all f~~~s. (None to give) There becomes a chance for your escape.
Good luck and best wishes for your happiness, as they also say when you get married..
No matter how pretty a woman is, part of my attraction and desire for her is in direct proportion to her being willing and eager for me also. I don’t desire someone who can’t convince me she has genuine desire for me. I find it easy to lose all f~~~s and cares when they hold out the only valuable thing they have to offer..Having a beautiful woman you can only look at is not good enough.
I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at those who misunderstand me. Kind mockery at the well intentioned, but unfettered cruelty towards those would be prison guards of my creative possibilities. This so as to learn as much from misunderstanding as from understanding. Taking pleasure in worthy opponents and making language fluid and flowing like a river yet pointed and precise as a dagger. Contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful linguistic dance, A verbal martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.
So you have been married for 4 years, have sex occasionally 1 to 2 times a month, she complains and nags to you and you have no kids. Your head is telling you the answer the you truly are looking for. Its is screaming —GET OUT NOW!!!!
Says it for me.
I went through the same pattern with my LTRs. It seems to be built in male-female relations.
EDIT: I’ve never been married, so the breakups involved little more than packing my personal belongings. A divorce with property will involve lawyers, paperwork, etc. Make sure your lawyer is a good one. You don’t necessarily want the guy who plays golf with opposing counsel.
Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?
Her complaints sound very familiar to me. I suggest that she is cutting back the sex etc….and then her accusing you of “failing to show enough affection” is her female mind formulating an internal justification to beat you to doing exactly what you know you gotta do yourself.
The 10 months away should help you learn to know yourself much better, but don’t be surprised if the locks are changed when you return.
End it, before kids come into the picture.
PS. Extended family and their opinions can p~~~ right off. Its your life, not theirs.
Here are some “alone” thoughts from a mgtow who has had a s~~~ ride. Worth a look I reckon.
Sounds to me as though you are on your way to checking out of the marriage anyway. Best to talk to her about it and make a decision.
Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Except instead of getting out after four years I stuck with it (like sooo many other men I know) and ended up in a dead marriage staying together for the kids (who are now grown and I’ll probably end up divorced anyway). It started dying early and I thought having kids, a good job, moving to an awesome place, trying harder, etc. would fix something that was inherently unfixable.
Listen up. That is EXACTLY where you are headed if you don’t change directions. Choose wisely while you still have good choices. It is hard to do at your age, but you’ve got to set aside other people’s expectations and possible condemnation to get a clear picture of reality. The disruption, pain, and relational trauma will be temporary and in five years it will be way behind you.
It is for very good reasons the Devil chose to tempt Eve not Adam...
Before you go for your 10 month stint – set up a webcam surveilling your front door, for example. Install a keylogger on the computer she uses. Benjamin Franklin here says that she will cheat on you. This will be your ticket out
If you decide to split – you MUST make sure she dumps you, and not the other way around.
proud carrier of the 'why?' chromosome
My primary concerns are; confirm if she is/isn’t <span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>cheating, do you and her want kids, and can you handle freedom? Honestly make a self evaluation.</span>
Can you deal with being free? Its a funny question right, and it takes a moment to evaluate it.
Whats the problem exactly? All women nag, is her nagging starting to hit home? Why are you losing feelings? She wants more affection and you don’t want to, why?
Can you leave if you put in the effort and left everything on the table? Talk to her leave everything on the table, that will require you to know what the issue is, have it be obvious or deeper. If it doesn’t work can you leave?
Can you deal with her having children? You’ll need to be around to raise the kid into a proper adult and that means you’re her slave unless you break free mid steam, could you break free if she goes off the handle after a kid comes into the picture?
Use the wonderful analytical mind god gave us (men) and try to figure this out, you can get out anytime you want and I recommend you set a x<1 year time table before you leave or decide to stay. Answer all the questions we mgtow have presented, it will do something.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
Abraham LincolnWow, can’t believe the amount of input in less than 24 hours. Greatly appreciated, fellas.
Another thing I forgot to mention too, regarding kids. She wants them in the next 1-3 years. I honestly don’t want kids for AT LEAST 5, if even at all. I’ve expressed this to her and she isn’t thrilled about it, but she doesn’t get all bent out of shape about it either.
I agree with the notion that I have the perfect opportunity to “find myself” while away for a few months. That’s kind of where I’m at right now. I think the time apart will be good in either instance, either I realize I need to break it off, or I realize that I might just be going through a phase.
And as far as the cheating thing, I don’t lose sleep over it at all. ***Change the record alert*** She’s a good girl, really is. She’s not the bar scene/party girl type, and We’ve done the long distance thing before and she spent the majority of her time with family that lives nearby, and plans to do the same this time as well. Even sleeps at their house and helps watch their kids frequently during the work week and weekends. And for the skeptics, yes, I did confirm this multiple times with said family.
Thanks again to everyone for your input and advice. I’ll keep you all posted as our situation progresses. I’m moving within a matter of days now, so things will start to pan out one way or another fairly soon I’m sure.
In the meantime, I welcome any other input anybody might have.
Hello and welcome.
As of about the last 6 months, I’ve been getting this crushing feeling of just wanting to cut all ties, move across the country, and do whatever the hell I want with my life. I wouldn’t say that I don’t love my wife anymore, but the feelings have DEFINITELY gone wayyyyy downhill since we’ve been together. I feel lost, and mostly, trapped. I want to live a life for myself more than anything.
Listen to your manstincts. They are never wrong. “Trapped” is the key word there.
– She’s starting to doubt my career (I’m an entrepreneur) and it’s making me doubt myself as well.
That’s a problem. It’s hard enough to believe in yourself and battle forward, but when others don’t, it can be a MASSIVE anchor around your neck.
On top of all that, I REALLY don’t want to go through a divorce again, although my first was essentially a breeze, I’m worried that things might get messy this time.
Listen closely.
/audio/frog-soup/She wants them in the next 1-3 years. I honestly don’t want kids for AT LEAST 5, if even at all. I’ve expressed this to her and she isn’t thrilled about it, but she doesn’t get all bent out of shape about it either.
Guard your sperm like Fort Knox. Im serious. That includes tossed condoms in the trash.
A whopping majority of women are “like that”
/video/wendy-williams-teaches-women-to-trap-men-into-fatherhood/I agree with the notion that I have the perfect opportunity to “find myself” while away for a few months.
Women….. look to “find themselves”.
MEN …. CREATE themselves.
You know exactly what that means. You are not going to “find yourself” or “look for where you belong”.
Wherever you lay your hat, that’s your home.If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.I would like you to meet LOU. He has something to say to you:
/poster/lou/If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.That whole, she wants kids in the next few years is a huge issue. You need to quickly decide if you want to be around because once a kid enters the sccene you’re subject to family court if you decide to leave. Family court, if you do not know, is a place you do not want to be. Please do not take my word on it look up the countless cases that show what family courts do to men.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
Abraham LincolnLook listen to these guys the best you can but ultimately it is your decision. I think your mind is made up and you need a little nudge. Go ahead and get out now, and don’t look back.
I had this opportunity three years ago, my gut told me to get out. I did the white knight thing and tried everything to “work” it out. Two moves, paying for her grad school and a move to NYC later….and now we’re probably getting divorced. She has a business trip to spain she is currently on, she states it’s a separation so we both (her) can see if we (her) truly want to be together. It’s actually turned into my time to get my s~~~ packed and ready to go. So when she get’s home, I say “here’s my key to the place, I’m out.” I’m leaving because I’m not interested in living in NYC, I was just fine in KY.
Just go ahead and do it, what you lose now, you can make back in time. Same with me, only thing I’ll never truly have again is my two dogs. I just don’t want anything that has been bought or has been obtained over the last 8 years together. So pretty much just taking my clothes and my sanity.
family courts
“Anti-family” courts.
(fixed)
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.
Anonymous5Divorce her ASAP before she divorces you. She is nice now, but soon the c~~~ beast will awaken and she will destroy you.
@timex,Hey man…I know you want input and advice, and hoping it will be unbiased. I am all for respecting that. I can offer input galore, but I am fairly certain that it is anything BUT unbaised. So, if that is a dealbreaker…I wish you the best Sir, and please stop reading here.
If however, you are still reading, then I hope that my input will spare you from the misery of my 2 marriages/divorces and the forever life changing never ending “reality” that I now know. Which so many men here share in common, that have travelled this road & still LIVE to tell about it.
So, per your request, you are seeking serious advice. I am 46 now, both marriages were about 7yrs each…something to be said regarding ‘The 7 year itch”. You share about this crushing feeling…No sugar coating here. This is my happy memory, compared to the aftermath of divorces, the betrayal, the kids, family court, Child support, and on and on it goes. NO, really…really. The crushing feelings you are (I AM still) dealing with, will dwarf those you are currently having… just saying.
You have done and pros and cons list, and although I deeply respect that, it is much easier to build yourself as a man for the rest of your life…instead of spending “maybe” the rest of your life trying to repair yourself. I used to subscribe to optimism…I have found being realistic to be by FAR, more healthy to my being on ALL levels. I am just gonna start dropping the bombs here…I mean hey, if you do decide to get married to her, or anyone else, now or down the road…then having some experience in dealing with them (the bombs) just might save your life. LITERALLY
I wish to pick apart your cons list based on my 2 experiences….
Sex 1-2x monthly…wait til you see it turn into 3 months or longer after a child is in the mix…really.
You are losing feelings for her…wait til ALL feelings are not only forever lost, BUT…are replaced with feelings that are of feeling betrayed…
And wondering why you are damn near broke, or worse…and not there to keep your child(ren) safe, let alone watching them grow. I have a son almost 4 yrs old now. Never seen him, no pictures nothing. AND…the first 3 yrs of his life, I didn’t even know about him. Why? Brace yourself for this question. You will ask it a lot, about such soul crushing subjects as this one the rest of your life. Really. Regardless of what comes your way, rest assured on this, things that don’t make sense, because they defy reason.
The nagging & complaining are the good times…wait til It’s arguments & fights that never never never end, until you completely bend and break to her every whim. Only one will be master of the house, in the marriage and after the divorce. Will it be you? NO…unless you are one of the EXTREMELY LUCKY ONE”S… I should have just gone to Las Vegas, better odds against The House, not much, but better.
She is starting to doubt your career, etc….wait til she just doesn’t even trust that anymore (regardless of why)…it’s all HELL, up close and personal.
She keeps telling you to show more affection, and you really don’t want to most of the time…and once that is ALL the time? Sex never ever after? See you first point on your con list.
So, why did I go for my second round of marriage? Same reasoning you mentioned…my first divorce was like yours. So, how did my 2nd round go? Well, I got A DV out of the deal, she abused my daughter, her son (from another guy) almost took my daughter’s virginity when she was only about 8 1/2 yrs old, and I ALMOST killed myself, the day I got out of jail. I could go on, but no point covering all the secondary s~~~.
Pull the trigger and move on. Spot on. Solid plan. Act accordingly. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and be where you are now, with almost your whole life ahead of you.
It’s a trap
Cheers
Anonymous9
It’s time to get out of there…
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