any of you staying for kids?

[learningParticipant 115]

I’m posting this in the Marriage/Divorce section cos it makes sense I guess.
I’m married to an absolutely horrid woman and have two kids. Was blue pill for many years until I finally woke up and saw the truth a few years ago thanks to this site. However, I have a superb relationship with my kids and decided that I have to stick it out in this hell for their sake – so I can be there, teach them respect, make them study and ensure they don’t grow up as complete idiots.

But it is so so so hard to live with a shouting, screaming, moaning useless piece of s~~~ and today, I nearly just thought f~~~ it and call it quits. I’m in a decent position where if I say I want to leave, there is not much for me to lose (she comes from a wealthier background, obviously doesn’t work or earn). I make decent money but nowhere near her family etc. To wait for my youngest to reach college is ten years! How the hell will I survive that long? I know there is a big difference between doing it and saying it, but I am completely sure, that I will be gone the minute my younger child gets on a flight to college – because there will be nothing for me to hang around for.

I am writing to ask if any of you are sticking it out like this until your kids are adult age (so no custody issues – and you see them when they want to see you, not with someone else’s permission), and if you are, then how the hell do you manage? Also, how is it for divorced dads and their relationship with kids?

Also, a few months ago, due to unforeseen circumstances, I spent almost a month alone – and my god, I couldn’t believe how happy I was. The peace and quiet, the freedom was unbelievable. I almost felt like myself again.

[Anonymous 1]

I was – but she decided to bail herself.

Suggest you get out on your own terms — including custody (50% or more).

[AwakenedParticipant 35202]

learning wrote:

I’m in a decent position where if I say I want to leave, there is not much for me to lose (she comes from a wealthier background, obviously doesn’t work or earn).

You can lose your kids with maybe visitation on the weekends. She may have a “wealthier background”, but if she’s not generating an income then she could come after yours for support, even if she doesn’t “need” it. Women are spiteful creatures, and the more they can hurt their former “love”, the more satisfaction they derive.

Being that she does have access to financial resources, she can buy probably buy more/better attorneys, and she has the law on her side as well. If you are tempted to jump ship, consult an attorney, and see your options prior to taking the leap “thinking” that you don’t have much to lose.

By the way, I’m hanging in there as well for about 7 – 8 more. Our marriage is over, and I don’t want another relationship so staying “married” is not that big of a deal. We are living the walking divorce life style. Yes she’s a useless pain in the ass, but I’m focusing on myself and my future while also having complete access to my kids 24/7, and still a few bucks in my pocket. So, I’m prepping for the day I’m gone, and focusing on myself and my kids.

Good or bad, time moves fast, and soon enough if I’m still alive, I’ll be writing a new chapter in my life. Until then perseverance, self-focus, and watching/experiencing/daily involvement with my kids are my priorities. She’s just around.

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[Anonymous 1]

I agree with awakened. Contact a lawyer and document everything if you are planning on moving forward with this.

[revistaParticipant 232]

I was hanging on for the kids.she realised this and pulled the pin first.i was saving so that helped financially.it was tough after break up but kids in routine now and probably see more of kids than i did before.havent gota put up with that moody bitch anymore and get quality time on my own with kids.dont feel as though you have to stay but all the best anyway.

[CombatRollParticipant 2594]

Yup – I left TWICE and the ONLY reason I came back was b/c I had a 10yr old and a 2 year old. I WAS GONE. Out the door and had a hotter, wealthier piece of ass who was in love with me and begging me not to go back, but I was a f~~~ing fool!

I just could not stomach being away from my kids. In retrospect, it was the wrong decision to go back. My kids are now 20 and 12. I’ve wasted 10 years of my life,

So the short answer is yes I stayed b/c of them. And the long answer is it was the wrong decision.

[GeraldParticipant 3628]

I was but that excuse just ended. Kid turned adult today.

No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.

[learningParticipant 115]

Yes it seems as if staying isnt really the right thing to do. Just now we decided we will just stick together for kids and do our own thing. Unfortunately you can’t trust women.. They say something and do something completely different.The ridiculous shaming comments and complaints just keep coming.

I just wish she would go have an affair and leave me the hell alone. Go do what you want, I won’t stop you. I have enough s~~~ to do.

[AwakenedParticipant 35202]

learning wrote:

Unfortunately you can’t trust women.. They say something and do something completely different

EXACTLY. AWALT, that’s why it’s in your best interest that you privately consult an attorney to see your options PRIOR to announcing to her that you want a divorce.

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

learning wrote:

Unfortunately you can’t trust women.

Quote of the day.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[Anonymous 5]

No, I’m not in that position. I’m in my early twenties, and frankly, I will never be in that position. But, be careful, she might use the kids against you. She might go so far as to call the cops on you, for “molesting” her kids.

Yes, bitches are that crazy!

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

learning wrote:

I am writing to ask if any of you are sticking it out like this until your kids are adult age

I stayed for one step kid. My reason I was to be a buffer between her and her abusive mom. I didn’t have to worry about false claims cause her own kids would have thrown her under the bus.

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[John Woods 13Participant 2855]

I am staying for the kids. But that’s because we keep it civil, and we fake it well so the kids suspect nothing and they have a very nice childhood. If she was the screaming type I would leave, because constant fighting is worst for the kids than the parents being divorced.
But I have to say it’s difficult. We never fight, but she is the emotional succubus type. Constantly in a bad mood, control freak, jealous, selfish, manipulative c~~~. So it does take quite a bit of effort to deal with all her s~~~, and with the fact that I am missing out on so much by staying.
But, I know that if I left, she would get the kids and she would mess them up. Not because she wanted to, but because she would be incompetent.
So, I stay. For now…

The answer is NO. “I could but I won’t”. Memini murum!

[GrumpyParticipant]

No.
I divorced the mother of my daughter 18 years ago because it actually was “best for the child”. When the environment becomes toxic enough to think about “leaving” then that is indicative that is IS toxic and time to leave.
Staying together “for the children” is a bulls~~~ excuse. It just allows the home/family environment to fester and worsen. Then it will become near impossible to do anything for the children, and then lo and behold the children want you gone as well.
You have to be able to care for yourself before you can “take care” of others.
Just my 2 cents

There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it

[,Participant 1301]

I’ll say we both stayed 7 yrs extra for the kids. Bought her another house for better schools and she still divorced me just before the last turned 18. AFTER possessions evaluated and split 50/50 she Still gets 40% of my pay for 1/3 the length of the marriage of 28 yrs. [9yrs alimony] Plus 40% of MY future retirement and a suckling of the SS benefit. Oh yeah, MY income funded HER IRAs throughout the years too.

Kids will adjust and will likely be better off to understand all the whys and why nots of what they see now. The resentment that you try to hide ain’t so hidden to them. Allowing her or forcing her to adultery imo is harmful to the kids and everyone. Very toxic to their foundation principles.

Honesty man. May hurt but the cover up is tragic. Ask Hillary or Bill.
Your financial means will not stay intact as you may think.

with joy/without hate

[learningParticipant 115]

Firstly thanks for sharing.
I really keep wishing the ‘keep it civil’ would work. I mean how hard can it be to just be civil and live in the same house and do your own thing for several years more without creating a toxic environment? I just don’t think this sorry excuse for a human being is capable of it though.
And I’m starting to see why it may not be possible. I think it’s because even though she is acting like it, this might be just another ‘lesson’ or ‘test’ she’s trying. Which will obviously lead to more arguments.

She keeps telling me ‘I’ll lose weight and who knows I’ll find a proper man’… And i just respond saying ‘good luck’. Funny thing is I actually meant that genuinely. Go do what you want.

But I’m scared to take the first step for divorce because of all the revenge stuff that may follow. That scares me.

I just know this isn’t good for my physical or mental health. I have to somehow find a balance between giving my kids the time and staying away from her as much as possible. Unfortunately that can only happen if she gives up on me (I gave up on her a long time ago).

[Rolling Tin FistParticipant 484]

learning wrote:

To wait for my youngest to reach college is ten years! How the hell will I survive that long? I know there is a big difference between doing it and saying it, but I am completely sure, that I will be gone the minute my younger child gets on a flight to college – because there will be nothing for me to hang around for.

TL;DR: Yes, I’m staying for the kids. I have 9 years until the youngest is an adult. At times I feel like Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption, but I do the time one day at a time.

HOWEVER, like a few men have already written, every family dynamic is different AND you must must do research and seek legal advise before evening mentioning the D in divorce. There are sooooo many factors.

—

Long response:

My advise is to take some time away when it’s just you and you’re in a setting that is calm and relaxing and do some role playing after you’ve sought legal advice and done your research.

Like the last third of a chess match think of multiple end-games. My saving grace in this life after God is that I played more chess in high school than I ever chased pussy or jacked off during the same four years. It’s taught me end-game like a mo-fo.

Legal separation is no joke and it can break you in all sorts of ways. However, like getting a set wisdom teeth removed, sometimes it’s clear the only way is out for better health.

My starter marriage (i.e. long term cohabitation and a shared mortgage but no kids) was rough. I lost 15 pounds from being unable to sleep or eat and I thought I was going to die. It came with no warning.

Luckily we were ultimately civil, young, and lucked out with a lawyer we both knew and trusted, who basically sat our young (at the time) asses down and resolved the legal pieces with a fair promissory note. I bought her out of the house and sent her checks for the next few years. She had told me one fine morning she was done forever and could be out of the house in two weeks if I wanted it.

Now, with my current wife (yes, there was no MGTOW then), she’s mentally and emotionally a pre-teen at best. She couldn’t raise the kids right even if a judge gave her my entire annual salary.

Public secret: there are just some women that have ZERO interest or/and ability to be a parent. Any woman that pushes a baby through her hips is a baby mama, but not every mother is or can be a parent. Being a parent, especially once children start primary school, is more dependent on male leadership.

If my wife was a financially, emotional, psychological, rational adult, I’d likely move towards divorce. She checked out of the marriage once our youngest was born. The saddest part was when the kids began to pick up on this years later. As it stand now she prefers time away from the kids, any chance she gets to chase that paper. She loves the kids, but she loves money much more, even though I make enough that working is optional for her. She’s got daddy money issues.

Today she willfully didn’t pick up our daughter at school on time because she was waiting to releaved at work. She didn’t call me to say, hey could you pick up the kid, I won’t be able to pick her up on time. I would have happily taken a break from work and made the 80-minute, 40-mile round trip. The kid just wasn’t as important as her cash, which she blows anyway. She’s always broke soon after payday.

I found all of this out because my daughter called me on my cell to ask who was going to pick her up 20 minutes after she should have been picked up. Where’s mom she asked. I couldn’t leave my minor children with someone that irresponsible and unreliable. So I’d make sure your wife can be a parent in your absence.

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another" - H. L. Mencken

[Anonymous 3]

any of you staying for kids?

I did.

It didnt work out.

The problem is what you compromise to stay. Women are like bloodhounds, if they get the sense that you will compromise for something, they will track it, and they byte your leg off.

That also means that you get even less influence in how your kids are raised. And I guarantee you that when women have their say with kids, then things get awfully wrong.

So, even if you are doing it for the kids, it will not work so well for them… Unfortunately, the time to do something for the kids was before making them. Afterwards, the dices are thrown…

For women kids are LEVERAGE, before, during and after divorce.

YOU ARE JUST GIVING HER LEVERAGE.

That said, dont rush and plan carefully.

[narwhalParticipant]

I’m echoing pretty much what others are saying, but I’ll say it anyway. It really depends on your situation.

What I think Dad’s often forget when making these sort of decisions is that kids learn from observation. They see what’s going on, how you and mom are behaving…and learn. So if you decide to stay, remember that they are learning the behavior they are observing from the two of you.

Even after divorce, they are still learning from your behavior. So in my mind, when it comes to the kids, it’s not so much about whether you stay together or not, but what behavior you are modeling.

Given that, I’d say the easy decision to make is you need to work on adjusting your behavior. You need to figure out what the proper response is to a shouting, nagging, person. How to set your boundaries, what is true and how to be truthful in all situations. Start demonstrating that you can live this way to yourself, and then your kids.

That’s one thing I’m sure of. After my divorce, I was still me, with my same issues…while my ex still had her own problems. It didn’t really fix anything, except remove the excuse that other person was the problem.

So are you telling your wife ‘no’ when she starts yelling and manipulating you into doing things you don’t want to do? Fix that first.

I don’t know if I’m making sense, but in hindsight I don’t regret getting a divorce (my ex’s choice) what I regret was how I behaved while I was married. I really wish I had corrected my behavior then. I’m not saying it would have saved my marriage or changed how my ex interacted with me, just that I wish I had that.

Sure, I have much better behavior now (not perfect) by a long shot, but it wasn’t divorce that brought on that behavior…it was my conscious decision to change that brought it about.

Ok. Then do it.

[PuniShredderParticipant 2268]

It’s common knowledge now that staying in a relationship where there’s lots of fighting and shouting for the children actually harms them more than it helps him. Do the research the recent research and you’ll see. I say cut away. Older I get the more I feel how short life is and I for one am sick of hating the majority of my f~~~ing waking life living in a place doing things and being in situations but I just f~~~ing can’t stand. If I were you I would leave. Get happy before you die.

Be professional be polite but always have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

[Author]

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