Advice Needed: Should I Give Up 2 Days Of My Visitation Rights

[joetechParticipant]

I would give it to her in exchange for two of her days. Fair is fair.

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[rightturnclydeParticipant 705]

In my experience I found it best to be as flexible as possible as long as the ex does the same. As the kids get older their schedules get harder and harder to accommodate into preassigned time slots and if the 2 of you give and take when it comes to time allocation you will not only make things easier on the kids you will also feel better yourself. Dig your heels in now and you will probably regret it later. When you are at the beginning stages of a divorce it is really hard to not let your feelings affect your actions but in the long run doing what is right for your kids will give you the greatest rewards later on. As much as I hated my ex I never bad mouthed her to my kids and they thank me for it now. Divorce is hard enough on them, it wouldn’t help at all if they were forced to take sides. As they get older they will learn the truth about both you and your ex. They won’t forget the little, and big, things you do for them now and how you make their happiness a priority. At the end of the day I realize that the best thing to come out of the ashes of my marriage is 2 great, well adjusted kids that are a huge part of my life.

P.S. my oldest daughter just called a few hours ago to say she bought me and her 2 tickets to a preseason Toronto Maple Leafs game. Awesome! (please no comments from Vancouver/ Edmonton/ Calgary/ Winnipeg /Ottawa /Montreal fans)

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

What is best for the kids?

Can you negotiate adding two days custody to your schedule at a later date?

Try to be flexible without being a doormat. I am in a very similar situation. I try to let the ex c~~~ win a few small battles and I focus on wining the war.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

If you get her to agree to two additional days to you get it in writing. I would send a confirming email to her regarding the specifics.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Point Of No ReturnParticipant 4074]

Lots to think about here; a bunch of valid points. I see my sons tomorrow, I will ask them how they feel about it. My feeling is that I’ll be able to get my ex to give me compensatory time by written agreement. I just feel like she comes up with something every two weeks nowadays. When we first separated I could go months without having to communicate with her. I’d just ignore her emails and stick to the agreement. The agreement I have allows us to make temporary changes if we both agree in writing. I’m just still too sensitive about interacting with her I suppose. I know a friend that DID NOT go no-contact and it ended badly because his ex used the easy access to him to get him to agree way too much with things in her favour every now and then as she felt like it. I believe in sticking to no-contact to be able to heal from the death of what I considered a family unit. My kids tell me how they wish their family was ‘together’. My ex become insufferable after she became addicted to iphone-validation, that and other things. For women that have a weakness for iphones, they don’t realise how badly that bloody device and the over-usage and disrespectful usage of SM screws up the basic family unit.

Know when it is your duty to give them zero explanations for your actions.

[NoMoreParticipant 1233]

Point Of No Return wrote:

I’m never really in a settled mind set when I write here. If I’m here visiting the forums I’m taking my red pills and, like many here, find them to be bitter if not necessary. So I will once again run onto what I need to ask you.
My ex has claimed in an email that my sons want to go away with her for a little over a week to her friend’s place out in the greenery of a remote township. I would have to consent to giving up two of my visitation days. I will check with my sons whether they really want to go or not, but they have been to that place before (for a few days) and came back saying that they liked there stay there. I’m concerned about ‘giving in’ to the ex’s request, but I also want my sons to do what they want. On the other hand, I have to give up my two days with them, and we as 3 dudes always enjoy being together. I can’t stand my ex’s friend btw (the one who lives out there), I think she was the first to buzz hive-crap into my ex’s ear, just about a year ago, and got my ex all mentally prepared to ask for a divorce. My general approach is to stick to the no contact rule method of handling myself with her. You see gents, she can always come up with a way to force me to respond to her, even if it is a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, so I’m also annoyed with this aspect. Let me get this posted and see, then maybe I will add comments if the thread as any life to it. Thanks for hearing me out.

A few things need to be addressed.

1. Is she paying for this trip? If she asked you to let her take the kids on a canoe trip and pay half the cost, but then drops on you that it’s going to take away your 2 days with them, I’d balk.

2. If she can fund the whole thing, then ask for 2 days to make up for it.

3. If she can’t pay for all of it and the kids can’t go if you don’t help out, ask for 4 days with you. If you’re paying for the kids to have a fun time with her, then request a favor in return.

4. Get it in writing that she is going to give you more time to make up for that lost.

5. Wish your kids a good time and be glad your ex is taking them somewhere they will enjoy themselves. You may not like her or get along, but she’s their mother and it’s a good thing that she wants your kids to enjoy themselves.

6. On a pessimistic note, verify with your kids that this is something they want to do. You don’t want her dragging them to a friend’s house for the weekend so that she can hang out with her new boyfriend.

A co-worker recently told me, "If you want to see who someone really is, divorce them." I have found out how true this is. When your wife drops the façade of being the caring partner, you will witness all of the greed, hate, and spite that she has masked. It is truly breathtaking!

[UntamedParticipant]

Back in Black wrote:

If you get her to agree to two additional days to you get it in writing. I would send a confirming email to her regarding the specifics.

I can agree with that.
If it’s in writing she can’t f~~~ you later… Although I see it as the Consent issue. Even if she writes it down, what makes you think the judge will accept it once your little back-room dealings go south?

Don't let them Blame, Shame or Tame you!
Give 'em NOTHING, not even an answer!
#GenderSegragationNow!

[Point Of No ReturnParticipant 4074]

Well… I got the scoop, thanks to having insisted a little. And lo and behold, it’s not what I thought it would be. NoMore’s #6 turns out, holds half the truth! I asked the kids, they said they were o.k. with it, and it was also revealed that their mother will NOT be with them, and that yes, they were being shipped off to a friend’s place. Not good, this will go down in my mental notebook as underhandedness seeing that in her request there was no mention of her being absent. A biggie in my book, and something I think she should have been revealed from the get-go in order to appear completely above board. Disappointment… I told her “I’m not comfortable with the arrangement, it’s a no.” That one almost slipped by me, caught it though. Damned, and this goes on for years. Crazy, I really hope it gets easier with time. It’s a real drag to have to play detective.

Know when it is your duty to give them zero explanations for your actions.

[NoMoreParticipant 1233]

Point Of No Return wrote:

Well… I got the scoop, thanks to having insisted a little. And lo and behold, it’s not what I thought it would be. NoMore’s #6 turns out, holds half the truth! I asked the kids, they said they were o.k. with it, and it was also revealed that their mother will NOT be with them, and that yes, they were being shipped off to a friend’s place. Not good, this will go down in my mental notebook as underhandedness seeing that in her request there was no mention of her being absent. A biggie in my book, and something I think she should have been revealed from the get-go in order to appear completely above board. Disappointment… I told her “I’m not comfortable with the arrangement, it’s a no.” That one almost slipped by me, caught it though. Damned, and this goes on for years. Crazy, I really hope it gets easier with time. It’s a real drag to have to play detective.

Why does your ex want to take them on your time just to leave them with a friend? That just doesn’t make sense. Is she just trying to keep the kids from you? I’d keep a detailed record of all of this. If it becomes a pattern, you can go back to court and actually get more custody time.

A co-worker recently told me, "If you want to see who someone really is, divorce them." I have found out how true this is. When your wife drops the façade of being the caring partner, you will witness all of the greed, hate, and spite that she has masked. It is truly breathtaking!

[Point Of No ReturnParticipant 4074]

She has them for most of the time, so I think she’s looking for a babysitter so that she can have more me-time for herself. And her friendie (a.k.a. member of the hive) probably was willing to be that for her (not sure what the payback is but there’s gotta be some return somewhere). I just think that I should have been told from the get go that she was not going to be accompanying them.

Know when it is your duty to give them zero explanations for your actions.

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

From what you wrote it looks like you told her no. Good for you and good for the kids. WTF is she trying to do by taking the kids on your time and her not even being with them.

Document this and all related communication around this issue. Documentation will show credibility (for you) and also a pattern of behavior on both your parts.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Anonymous 1]

I’m with others – be flexible.. – but then she’s not with them? WTF?

Why aren’t they spending those extra days with you if she wants to run off for ‘me’ time?

[Point Of No ReturnParticipant 4074]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m with others – be flexible.. – but then she’s not with them? WTF?

Why aren’t they spending those extra days with you if she wants to run off for ‘me’ time?

My ex’s idea was to have our kids stay at her friend’s country house which is about 100 miles away from the city in which both my ex and I live in. My interpretation of her message was that she was trying to sell this to me as a good time for my sons. My sons have been there, and they have enjoyed themselves there at that place. However, the circumstances were different when they went last year. My ex was with them and they only went for three nights. This time my ex would be absent and my kids would be staying there for 10 nights. It’s a township with a little over 900 residents. I told my sons that it maybe fine for a few days, but ten, eleven days at that place might at one point seem a little too long of a visit. My son agreed with me. My feeling is that my ex found an opportunity to look like she was doing something beneficial for the kids, while possibly making me look like an impediment to their happiness, and getting some me-time for herself in the bargain. I also think it is sneaky of her because in the initial communication she did not mention that she would be absent during their visit there. In the end, I miscalculated and I would have had to ‘bank’ 3, not 2, of my visitation days.

Know when it is your duty to give them zero explanations for your actions.

[GrumpyParticipant]

Point Of No Return wrote:

This time my ex would be absent and my kids would be staying there for 10 nights

So..
Ahh..
Did you offer (in writing) to take your kids unconditionally for the 10 days?
If not, why not?
If you did and she refused, you may have a legal recourse regarding custody arrangements.

Wanting “me” time is fair enough for anyone, offering to care for your own kids while the other parent takes “me” time is also fair and reasonable, as well as an extremely practical solution.

There was a time in my life when I gave a fuck. Now you have to pay ME for it

[Author]

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