Gentlemen.
I have been thinking for a while now in what way to write my introduction. If to only do a basic TL;DR, or write what could basically amount to a novel, as i am capable of doing that if i am not carefull. I guess the best way for this is somewhere in the middle.
I have already posted on the forum a few times, but this shall be my formal introduction.
I was born in Bratislava, Slovakia’s capital city in 1995, the youngest of 3 children. Much younger actually, as there is a 15+ year age difference between my sisters and i. So, my mother was already in her early 40’s, and one might ask: why now? Why after such a long hiatus, with all the risks involved would you choose to have a kid?
As i later found out, i was supposed to be a “gift” to my father, with the entire family hoping that having a son would change him, that i would be this sort of lifelong project he could work on and shape to his image. But even before my birth, doctors confirmed to my parents that i would not be what one might call a “healthy” or “normal” kid. Be it because of my fathers alcohol/nicotine abuse or my mothers ripe age, i would be born with learning dissabilities and several impediments. This lead to my father saying that “He will never amount to anything.” before i was even out of the womb.
Why try to change my father by giving him a son? As some of you might have guessed, he was an alcoholic and rampant smoker, along with aggresive tendencies and mood swings. Their marriage was not smooth then. One might be quick to jump to conclusions that all of the above was his own fault, but the truth layeth somewhere else as i found out later on. For he wasnt always like this. Much to the contrary, in his younger years he was a highly promising Czechoslovak athlethe, an A+ millitary man, and a great thinker as he got a PhD. and even won several awards for his doctorate. All in all, he was a great man back then. But something changed him, and that something was my mother and societal influences. For my mother is hopeless when it comes to satisfying a man. She is the sort of woman for which sex is neither just a way of reproduction, a intimate romantic encounter, or a fun way to pass the time with someone you find attractive. No, she is the sort of woman for which EVERY sexual encounter ever has to be this 15-step romantic process where a man has to woo her, then carefully make slow love to her on her own terms, when she wants it, maybe about every third month of the year. Along with that she is incredibly boring to listen to, impossible to talk to, has no concept of “Leaving a man alone when he wants to be alone.” Do not think that i hate her, quite the contrary, i love her as my mother but i am also incapable of overlooking her glaring faults. Because my mother was like that, she says she “lived trough horrors” in her time with my father. What horrors, you ask? Oh, that he wanted sex maybe more than once a season and preferably some time of his own. For this and more reasons, my father took to drinking and smoking, slowly falling into an abyss.
The early years:
But for now, back to me. Already from an early age, i would describe myself as a thinker. I never talked much because of my speech impediment and because nobody wanted to listen to me. As such i spent most of my time watching cartoons or playing alone/painting in my room. This had the effect where i would think a lot, about a lot of things at once. It created this comical situation where i was 6 years old, and thanks to watching foreign TV, spoke 3 languages fluently, and was capable of thinking in English, German and Slovak, but nobody knew because nobody bothered to check in with me.
I was and still am a introvert, along with being shy. Back then it created situations where i was unable to really join in socially. My mother to this day tells me stories of how i would always wait for other kids to use swings/slides/etc. first and only then take my go, even if the kids themselves were calling me to join in. So i was introverted, and also…reaaaaally confused. My parents, especially my naive mother was trying to make me a pacifist, an ultimate mangina. She would tell me to always be nice and considerate to everyone, to always be helpfull and respectfull to others and people will thank me by doing the same to me. My mind even back then was telling me differently, but the boy that i was followed her advice…and got crushed. Every single thing that my mother told me would win me friends ended up in me being thrown around like a wet rag, used and discarded, by other kids and adults alike. So as you might imagine, my school years weren’t exactly smooth. From day 1 of first grade i was bullied every day which lead to me letting my emotions go on a daily basis too. The teachers ignored it, as they did directives to help me with my learning dissabilities, so i was put up and graded the same way all the other kids were, and yet was able to hold up to them and even surpass them.
As i grew, so did my confusion and the fight inside my head. Parents, adults and TV would tell me one thing, then the very next morning if i applied their advice and teachings i would get again thrown around.
Then there was again the constant commanding and deciding in my stead. Not in the sense of what i will eat or wear, but in what i will DO with my life. The barrage was there all the time from adults. As in the very well known “Once you will get married…”, “Once you will finish University…”, “Once you will have your own job…” or “Once you will have your own kids…”
I wasnt even f~~~ing 10 years old and these c~~~s already decided my life for me, even down to the details of what sort of wife i should look for and what job i should aspire to get. Even tho i was young, i felt that something fishy is going on here. Surely, life has to be able to offer more than that?
The early to middle teens:
My life took several turns over the past decade. First, came the move from City to Village. It was like landing on a different planet. We moved only 20kms away, but already people speak a different dialect (this is very common over here), think differently, act differently and expect different things. I regret ever agreeing to it to this day and long for the moment i will have enough to move back to where i belong: to the Beauty on the Danube, Little Big City or City of Shadows.
Then, came an event that would affect and is still affecting my life to this day: my fathers death. He died a month after christmas, alone, 3 months before my 13. birthday, after consuming cheap home made alcohol that caused his throat to rupture. What did i think of his death? Do not take this the wrong way, but in a way i was relieved, for both of us. His life had taken terrible turns and it was only going downwards further. He was a man that had long since lost himself and was lost to the world. While i consider myself strongly anti-religious and atheistic, i still wish to say: May God rest your soul Dad. You deserve all the rest you can get. I was also relieved because i don’t know how much longer i could have bared the sight of a broken man and the fear of him going completely A-wall and doing something stupid, especially when i was entering arguably my most important development phase.
The next event(s) were caused by him and my mother jointly. Before he died, he took up a hefty loan. Nobody knows what for, nobody knows where the money went. What i do know is that after his death the responsibility for paying back the loan fell onto my mother and i. And as if that wasn’t enough, my genius mother entrusted a lot of money to a con man and raked up hefty credit card debt herself. Right as i am about to enter High School. Just perfect.
And then, it happened.
I had enough. Enough of being told that i am unworthy. Enough of being told what i HAVE to do and what i CAN’T do. Enough of being guided around like a drone, shamed every time i used my own mind. Enough of being used by others, of being bullied, of always holding back. I had enough of manipulative, westernized females and being told that i have to worship them. I had F~~~ING ENOUGH of having other peoples actions and decisions affect my life and drag me down with them. I had enough of Manginas which have not even the basic virtues of a respectable man.
I had taken the mask that society, adults, media insisted that i wear. I had taken it off and i set it on fire. My mind which was held in shackles was finally free of them. I stopped fearing death, i stopped fearing failure, i stopped fearing what other people may think of me. Finally, i had become me.
I took control of my life, one step at a time. I started saying No, i started to think, to evaluate and ponder the past, present, future. I took that and learned to always be able to come up with a plan for myself and account for every possible outcome and hindarance. The process was really slow at first, but now we find ourselves…
In the present day. I am 19 years old now, about to start a simple manual labour job to make just enough to support myself along with my interests. And i have big plans for the future, the time to work on them, the drive to act on them, and a burning desire that cannot be quelched to leave my mark in history. In short, i am going my own way.
To end this, i wish to make a vow to myself, the people here, and the MGTOW movement in general.
In 5 years time, no matter if this forum will be active or not, i shall report back in and tell the next chapter in my story and reflect on what a man going his own way can accomplish. And i hope to hear from as many of you as possible on that day, to share how we have all evolved.
The right man at the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.
RumpleForeskin 5 years, 2 months ago.
