Home › Forums › Marriage & Divorce › Your worst/best crazy ex-wife stories?
This topic contains 18 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by 
Randall 2 years, 5 months ago.
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My ex wife’s craziness rivals the best of them, I think, but still my jaw has been on the floor reading some of the other stories on here. Honestly, I love how you guys have managed to keep such a great sense of humour about even the darkest things: I’ve been crying with laughter reading some of the s~~~ you’ve written. @sparky’s story of his first wife drilling holes in the bathroom door to see if he was masturbating in the tub was a particular classic. Anyway, thought I’d throw in a few of my own: plenty more where these came from. Would love to hear more of your own faves! Thanks for letting me share this: it feels amazing to get it all off my chest.
The Christmas before I left her (which we spent alone together), her flying off the handle over something completely trivial, chasing me with a knife out onto the balcony where she locked me out for about an hour while she trashed the apartment (throwing books on the floor, emptying clothes out the wardrobe onto the floor, taking freakin food out the cupboards and putting it on the floor), destroying Christmas tree decorations, then apparently packing a suitcase and leaving, just letting me in from the balcony before going. Cue my desperate blue pill apologies on the phone, spending the afternoon tidying up all the mess, finally persuading her to come back, only to find when she gets back that she had nothing in the suitcase and it was all a test so I could “prove that I loved her”. Merry Christmas from your darling sociopath!
Being Facetimed in the middle of the night while she was away, and her insisting that I get up, turn on all the lights in the apartment, and go around with my phone showing her every bit of the apartment, including inside the wardrobe, so she could check I wasn’t secretly banging some chick.
Being woken up in the middle of the night with her screaming and swearing that I’d said something in my sleep which offended her. Despite repeatedly insisting I had no idea what I’d said, she insisted that I damn well knew and “don’t you dare pretend otherwise”, starts punching me in the face, kicks me out of the apartment in my pyjamas. Just manage to grab my phone before I leave, and spend the next three hours in the corridor outside begging her to let me in.
Demanding that she watch me dismantle and trash my own laptop so I couldn’t watch porn.
Or just simple stuff like being able to look me straight in the eye after we’d had sex and punch me in the face for literally no reason.
She didn’t just save the crazy for me, either. One of my favourites: she wanted her bank to do something and for once it was a job she couldn’t get me to do, so she phones them up and they tell her it has to be done online. She goes into a rage, insists she can’t do it online, they have to do it for her on the phone. They ask her why and eventually she makes up this completely bulls~~~ story about having burnt her hands in a cooking accident (in reality she never lifted a finger in the kitchen lol) and was unable to use her hands. They eventually said she could go into the branch to do it, and she did but went along *wearing fckin gloves* (I’m not joking guys) and repeated to them this whole fabricated sob story about this terrible accident leaving her unable to use her hands. Of course they were incredibly apologetic and sympathetic…
And another good one: in the city where we lived, there was this little urban transit train and each carriage had just a few of these flip-down seats which for some mysterious reason were Her Excellency’s seat of choice. One time we get on and someone’s left their big suitcase up against the flip-down seats, so she couldn’t sit there. She starts complaining loudly so everyone can hear (but of course doesn’t actually ask “who’s suitcase is this? Can I sit here?”). No-one responds to her passive-aggressive moaning so at the next stop she gets off and tells the station staff that there’s an unattended suitcase on the train and she’s concerned it’s a bomb. Of course the train’s stopped, police are called, the entire transit network is probably shafted for an hour.
Needless to say, I now savour the sweet taste of freedom.
There aren't holes in your pockets. It's called marriage.
Mine was very antagonistic and would scream nag you to death. One time I went into 3 rooms to get her leave me alone, but she pursued me every where I went. I went temp insane for just a micro-second and before I knew it I launched a banana at her. Seriously, it left my hand before I even knew I had thrown it. Went right by her head and exploded on the wall. She just froze and slinked off. I spent the weekend painting all 4 walls because the s~~~ was everywhere and couldn’t get it out. She was very submissive for about a week. The best she ever was. Of course that never lasts and I didn’t want to spend my whole life throwing fruit at her every weekend just to make her act decent.
If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.
before I knew it I launched a banana at her
Amazing.
I didn’t want to spend my whole life throwing fruit at her every weekend
Think you made the right call, man. You’d need to keep upping the game to keep the desired effect as well. A year later, you’d have to be launching a dozen decent-sized watermelons at her every Saturday.
There aren't holes in your pockets. It's called marriage.
Anonymous18Your relationship story sounds like making of Kevin Spacey’s character in ‘American Beauty’.
I haven’t stuck around long enough with any particular woman to prod the crazy. But glimpses of entitlement and irrational thought pattern left enough impressions on me to realize the crazy is lurking underneath.
Anonymous7Jheezus f~~~ on a pogo stick. I thought my crazy was bad.
Compared to the crazy in these stories I had a crazy unicorn.Once again, I am grateful that by the time I became target #1 I learned to become target 0.
F~~~ing Yoda would murder the bitches in these stories.
Anonymous7Sorry I did not add a ‘crazy’ story.
Crazy had been making my life hell more than she usually did for about a week.
When I finally got crazy to explain why she was making my life hell this was her answer:
I was parked in your parking lot and saw you go inside with another woman, a blonde.
I thought about this for a few moments then responded:
Hold, on…..
A short, skinny blonde woman with short blonde hair being in the company of a tall thin man with a black leather jacket?Crazy: Yes!
Eye-Roll….
My Response:
What you saw were my neighbors. F~~~ing hell.
Dude is like 6’3″, 10 years younger and had the slimness of youth.
At the time I was and still am a squat thick f~~~er.
Still, the hamster wheel turns.Ive had plenty of crazy over the years, too much to put down here, but i remember one who used to get mad at me when she’d dream about me doing stuff she didnt like in her dreams. Then she wouldnt talk to me for days in real life because of what she’d dreamt i’d done haha.
I had one that made me go to the shops with her to look for a product that she wasnt sure if she’d seen on tv or dreamt it. 😛
Anonymous43omg so many crazy episodes, which one do I go with?
c~~~ sold my $5000 racing bicycle in an everything’s $5 charity garage sale
no. crazy, but not that crazy.
how about 12 court dates to collect 28% of the earnings from a 16 week $8 an hour internship…her cut was $700, our attorney’s cut well over $50,000. she filed the complaint, and didn’t show up. I had to be there or I’d have a bench warrant for failure to appear. F~~~.
hmmm May, now yer getting into some crazy s~~~ there. but we expect better from you, stop soft pedaling and really turn it up…
serving fork through the hand, pinned to the kitchen counter all night to be rescued by the school truancy officer the next morning, then having the c~~~ buy a new $30,000 kitchen. reason for this? argument over which way the fork tines go in the dishwasher. I went with tines down, so you grab the handles when you put stuff away. and not stab myself in the hand…you mean like this…wham!
Jebus on the cross May that is f~~~ed up, you say, but May, you are holding back, tell the lurkers about the tracking devices on the car…
okok fine. so I had a car, and over the course of a couple years, I found tracking devices on the car. if I got near the town where she and the kids lived, she would go on alert, scramble her ass in a huge SUV and go on a search and destroy patrol, and we had a couple car chases through the Chicago suburbs. lol. I brought one device to court, and made it ping the c~~~’s phone. lol no sanctions from Judge F~~~wit. Fine. the second one was found by the oil change dude. lol I lived near a major bus route between Mexico and the sanctuary city of Chicago. I had the tracking device in the cupholder of my car wondering what to do with it, then it hit me. I went to a truckstop on the way to pick up my kids Friday evening for the weekend. I saw a gold and red bus and stuck the tracking device on the bus. Vaya con Dios tracker, let the c~~~ follow the f~~~ing bus. I get my kids, and we spent the weekend playing Toontown, eating icecream, riding bikes…chillin like a villain. Saturday evening a loud heavy knock at the door, and 2 university cops, the landlady, 2 State Police and 2 FBI guys are standing there.
f~~~! cops ask me for ID, and want to see the children. ID the kids from copies of the passport pictures, then the cops look at each other. kids are scared, ages 14 and 10. cops, guns, crazy questions, scary s~~~. FBI guys are visibly p~~~ed, University cops are wondering wtf, and the land lady is relieved. university cops always there when students have issues.
Mr. May, your c~~~ called us and told us that you had kidnapped the children and are presently in Mexico. Obviously that is not the case but You and the children need to follow us to the c~~~’s town police department. 200 miles away. the FBI drove back to their secret lair almost 300 miles away. My kids have no idea what is going on, and I play stupid. I call my lawyer and tell him to meet me there. f~~~, he charges $2000 for work on the weekend.
our lawyers are at this little police station. cops, lawyers, the c~~~ and I are in an interrogation room. We all want to know why or how the c~~~ thought I was kidnapping the kids to Mexico. she said, the tracker is on her IPhone, and sure nuff, the little red dot was in Mexico…lol. one cop pointed out that my car was in the parking lot, that they found me at my university apartment playing games on the computer with the kids, no sign of fleeing…and I came willingly having no clue what the f~~~ was going on. sooo what was the c~~~ tracking?
room got reeeeeeeeeeal quiet. her lawyer grabbed her client and went into another room, and stayed there for 30 minutes.
so the c~~~ was forced to withdraw her complaint, I pushed for a harassment and stalking charge, but the lawyer talked me out of it. umm I cant stick her tracker on busses to f~~~ with her either. kids went home with the c~~~ and I drove home 200 miles alone and did my homework.
A few days later the dean of my school wants to meet with me. ok Dean, department chairman, university police, a student advocate lawyer and three of my teachers are there, all grilling me about the incident, university policy, school investigates any legal issues and decides retention or expulsion. F~~~ me…how do I explain the high conflict nature of the divorce so normal people can follow along. everyone is nodding, frowning, a couple of them visibly changed color, pale or red.
lol retention, have a nice day Mr. May. do not find yourself in this room ever again.
May, you say, what the actual f~~~…yup, there was another tracking device after that. that one went overboard a Chicago River cruise near Navy Pier, c~~~ probably thought I drove into the lake with the kids. She looked a little disturbed at pick up time. yep a cop was there at the hand off. cop was confused.
I have sold that car, and the c~~~ has no idea what I drive now, the closest that new car has been to the c~~~ is 500 miles away. I can’t tell you how good it feels not to be tracked.
whew, brothers, I am spent.
journal, receipts, alibis, stay the f~~~ away from women. this is my f~~~ed up life.i’ll save how I caught a private investigator, and made him write an affidavit who hired him and why for another day.
Holy f~~~ing s~~~, batman, she’s mental! If you could’ve seen my utterly stupefied face while reading your post… damn.
"One of the best things internet exposed is just how insane women are." - Freeman_K
Jebus on the cross May that is f~~~ed up
You can say that again. I am truly speechless, man. I love that you can still laugh at it: she tried to crush May but there’s no stopping that resilient bastard!! Love it: massive respect, man, I am in awe of you, you are my new hero.
I’ve heard about this tracking thing. Fortunately my ex-wife never went that far, but I did willingly agree to her putting the child lock on my iPhone so I couldn’t use the internet or any apps, was subject to “random phone inspections” to check if I was cheating where she went through all my messages etc. (I never cheated), and when I wasn’t with her most days I would be required to send selfies or Facetime her when I was out and about to show where I was.
Once when I went to meet my mum and dad (whom she hated) she insisted on installing covert recording equipment on my person so she could listen to the whole conversation when I got home.
I know of one guy who was using his computer one day when suddenly the mouse pointer starts moving. He’s like wtf’s going on, and discovers that his darling wife has installed remote-control software on his computer.
if I got near the town where she and the kids lived, she would go on alert, scramble her ass in a huge SUV and go on a search and destroy patrol, and we had a couple car chases through the Chicago suburbs. lol
There is a hit red pill dark comedy movie in here man!! Had she retrofitted the SUV to deploy a few heat-seekers, I wonder.
serving fork through the hand […] reason for this? argument over which way the fork tines go in the dishwasher
Brother, this is so familiar to me. The slightest thing could set mine off too, and in a matter of minutes I could have a knife pressed against my throat. I really hope there wasn’t lasting damage to your hand. But your scars are just a reminder of how you tough are to survive the asylum.
There aren't holes in your pockets. It's called marriage.
For f~~~’s sake. I’ll be right back, gotta look underneath my car for something.
Get a vasectomy.
Most of my crazies do not compare to @lionontheloose I mean holy s~~~. That bitch was crazy on another level.
My GF in college stalked me when I tried to break up with her. I got out of class and she slowly followed on my heels in her car as I walked. She kept telling me to “get in the car.. get in the car. Goddamit I swear I will run you over if you don’t get in this car!”.
Same GF outside a club got mad when I spoke to a girl I knew. She stormed off down the road. I just stood around talking. She came storming back a few minutes later, yelled “how dare you let me walk off into the dark”. She gave me what I thought was a routine face slapping, but out came the nails and I had 3 or 4 nail stripes starting on my jaw near my ear going across my jaw/chin and down my neck.
A year later, you’d have to be launching a dozen decent-sized watermelons at her every Saturday.
My side hurts from laughing.
If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.
What you saw were my neighbors. F~~~ing hell.
Brilliant. My ex was convinced I was cheating night and day. We’d go shopping, she’d go the fitting room, and she’d be convinced I was hitting on the shop assistant when she was getting changed. Of course I look back and wish I’d just wound her up: “yup, every time you shut the door I get a niiice bit of BJ from that gorgeous redhead” etc.
she wouldnt talk to me for days in real life because of what she’d dreamt i’d done haha
Wtf! I don’t know if you guys saw this joke news story about a woman killing her boyfriend because he cheated on her in a dream. I gather a lot of people thought it was real: you can see why.
Woman clubs boyfriend to death because he cheated on her in a dream
“how dare you let me walk off into the dark”.
I honestly don’t know what women are thinking when they say this stuff. Have they just consumed too many s~~~ty movies where the chick storms off, some blue pill moron runs after her and pulls flowers out of his ass to make the little brat happy again? This happened to me so many times. She’d storm off, and if I went after her it would be “don’t you dare follow me!!”; if I didn’t, it would be “how dare you not follow me!!”. Makes me think of this:
There aren't holes in your pockets. It's called marriage.
Why put up with this s~~~ for so long? Even a hint of crazy should have you reaching for the eject button.
Vaccines and antidepressants sure help many people in becoming crazy.
Among other things.Similar story really. My ex was crazier (and more devious) than a box of frogs.
We moved house early on and had some fantastic neighbours. One really cool neighbour gave me a mountain bike, as he’d seen me walking to work every day. One day when I was at my mum’s, she took the bike and I never saw it again. Found out later she’d given it away!
Then another day, I was on my way out to enjoy some free time away from her and kids. She ran out of the house with the kids, and promptly locked the door. She’d already locked all the windows and took the key! I couldn’t even get out of the house.
She spent around an hour screaming at me through the letterbox, whilst a crowd gathered round her. Needless to say our neighbours soon started to avoid us.
Jeez she was a biatch.Why put up with this s~~~ for so long? Even a hint of crazy should have you reaching for the eject button.
That’s a question I always ask and a statement I always make, until I remember my own experiences with a crazy girlfriend.
She hooked me during the lowest part of my life and within a six months had imposed ground rules which still make me shake my head. While her insanity never reached the point other brothers here share, it was only because I didn’t give her enough time. I “woke” one day and was out of her life within 24 hours.
IMHO, it’s a combination of bewilderment and “frog boiling” which keeps men in these relationships. They’re so shocked that a human being could act that way they work on disbelieving it even though it happened to them. They also get used to the insanity allowing the woman to slowly ratchet up the “crazy”.
Do not date. Do not impregnate. Do not co-habitate. Above all, do not marry. Reclaim and never again surrender your personal sovereignty.
Wow man she really did have serious problems. I thought I was married to a nutcase but yours beat mine hands down. Glad to hear you got out of that and are a free man that can finally breathe.
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