Hello MGTOW. This is a sort of an introduction/tantrum (I’ll just call it for what it is)/short story of me and my issues leading up to this day. If you feel like this belongs to Introductions subforum, please feel free to move it there.
Anyway, s~~~ started getting f~~~ed up back in pre-school (yeah believe it or not we are going THIS far). I used to be an introverted, short kid. I always had and still do have a huge thing for cars. Though I didn’t really have anything on the outside that would be repulsive in any way such as having disability, mental problems or just being ugly in some way. I was quite normal. I wouldn’t really get bullied directly or anything but I was actively ignored and… Well, there were some words thrown around but that doesn’t really count and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t say s~~~ as well. I’ve had some “friends” inside and outside my class since first grade but most of them turned out to be backstabbing bitches. Once I found a large sum of money lost on a sidewalk but when I returned it I was only laughed at and ridiculed. F~~~, at the time it would’ve equated to 5 months worth of pocket money. To be honest, looking back, I think these experiences have simply shown human nature and helped me grow a thicker skin early on. Despite that I’ve felt like I’m getting more f~~~ed up with such piece of s~~~ I had to swallow.
I never thought that at the age of 10 I would already have very graphical thoughts of slicing someone’s throat. And my anger kept building up.
Since about that age I’ve started playing computer games a lot more. What used to be 30 minutes turned into couple of hours a day. And then even more than that. I don’t think I’ve become addicted to gaming as much as it has become a substitute of something that I lost. And honestly I don’t know what, yet. It is one of the things I want to eventually learn on my red pill trip.
Fast forward to 7th grade. Me conflicts with classmates escalated to a level where it was difficult to actually learn. Not that it ever got physical but it was distracting and me and my parents decided it would be best in the long run. So, I was transferred to a parallel class.
Classmates in the new class were quite friendly. However. A year or two later one bitch got really jealous. She was a 6-7/10, even shorter than me at the time and a really really f~~~ing toxic backstabbing whore. Just like her mother who was a teacher at the same school. My mother even knew her father. Poor soul. Being the cowardly piece of s~~~ pussy that she is she never had the courage to directly confront me. Instead she spread rumors about me to her female friends and from them to my male classmates. And that made my new classmates hostile against me.
F~~~ing worthless pieces of desperate mangina s~~~ in wolf clothing.
S~~~ went even more down the drain when the classes were merged because many students left the school. By that time I’ve had even sicker thoughts of how to deal with my problems. However, I’ve always seen and still do see school shooters as irresponsible, inexcusable maniacs so that particular thought of actually doing something never crossed my mind. Plus, I was always a more passive-aggressive type preferring indirect verbal attacks. To keep my sanity I also started wasting their time, trying to drive them crazy at lessons and trying to make them feel like I felt. I could go in detail about this but it would take another one of these posts so I will save dear reader’s time on this. Long story short, it all worked well and it also kept me sane while keeping the thoughts of my classmates less happy than they deserve to be. My height caught up as well and right now I’m at an okay 5′ 7″. Not that it really matters to me but I see this detail mentioned often in other similar letters so I thought why not. My rage still kept filling though.
All this continued until after 10th grade when I transferred to another school (there were only 10 grades in that particular school). Until 12th grade it was a rather uneventful period other than the time when I got an excellent international English exam score the same bitch who happened to transfer with me threw a tantrum at me but made a huge joke of herself. That day was a good day.
I’m thankful to her for giving me the first red pill moment of my life though. Honestly. Maybe one day I’ll send her a big black dildo and a box of dog food as a thanks.
I’ve had some more red pill moments in my life so I’ve had some red pill knowledge early on which allowed me to very easily digest and relate to MGTOW. I don’t want to get screwed over like my godfather did. It’s a really ugly story but then again it would be another one of these page-long essays so I will skip that. Because of all this every time I started liking a girl I have developed some sort of safely switch that kept me in line and away from dangerous relationships. Never had a girlfriend but to be honest I feel at greater peace on my own.
Soon after finishing school I got my driver’s license and a nice car. It was a green MX-5. Not something very expensive but it brought more joy to my life than most of my so-called friends. I guess I simply have an easier time communicating with older people.
My personality also has gradually shifted from introvert (Not that I was ever shy. Far from that.) to somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if that’s natural or if that’s the aggressiveness that did it but I most certainly changed a lot in those years. I still prefer being and doing things alone.
Which brings me to this day. Right now I quite unsuccessfully study aviation engineering. My anger became so distracting it is starting to feel like some sort of a soft slow-burn PTSD except that I feel more or less s~~~ all the time. It’s not memories of my past experiences but the rage itself. I can hardly focus on anything and my only moments of true peace come from gaming. Not enjoyment, but peace and quiet, when I can feel free from my anger. However, I see myself unconsciously taking out my rage on people who remind me of my past in looks or behavior. And I doubt anyone sees me actually being angry. My inner and outer self have and still are slowly drifting apart to a point that soon I may be a full-on sociopath. And I don’t want that to happen.
I am however planning on getting a project car to maybe take out my rage on to something productive but I don’t know if that will work. At worst case, I will have a productive alternative to gaming all day so I think it is a wise thing to do at this point. I would still like to hear from other men what they think about this and what may be my problem.
Thank you very much for sticking around through this short biography of my absurd life. I would also like to apologize for the excessive amount of swearing but it’s just how it turned out.
sidecar 3 years, 1 month ago.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.
