PLs give it a read. I need some help’
I’ve been trying to keep it together for the past year ever since my sister spread rumours about me. I’m 23 and never been in a relationship. even before that i was having psychological issues(single mom’s son) which i got over gradually but now that my mom and dad are together, things are looking bad for me. The way my sis(1 year older) and mom treats me have changed.
I’ve spoken about this before but damn after my sister’s done what she’s done, I havent been able to keep it together. Of course no one knows about my deep rooted rage but the way I hang out and converse has been degraded. I consider myself an alpha. I don’t give a s~~~ about what people think of me as long as I’m not hurting anyone. But My cognitive abilities has been slowed and reflexes seem doubtful. I always seem a lil preoccupied as far as ive observed from people’s reactions. I dont enjoy sports as much as i used to. a mistake i do brings me back to that incident. its out of control.
My confidence and self esteem has been down for some time.
No doubt this site has given me some sense of peace but my rage. i cant contain it. It comes out unconsciously in the form of saying things Im not supposed to say. especially in front of manginas. It f~~~ing brings me down. This quick witted style I know, its f~~~ing hard to keep it together. and I cant meet just two or three people i know for seven eight months. I need to move and meet people to get a sense of myself again. this causes a problem because of my rage.
I need a job because i dont want to be dependent on my parents especially if my mom and dad are together( My dad is a purple piller btw). Considering programming but i cant focus atm. s~~~ out of patience.
I want to f~~~ing beat the s~~~ out of my sister. I always try not to think about it. I take a deep breath everytime this incident crosses my mind and i forget it. But it keeps coming back when i f~~~ up in social situations. This rage is controlling me. If i shut it all the way, i feel like my hormones are getting out of control.
I want to tell my dad about how the way my mom and sis treating me have changed drastically ever since he got back with my mom. But i dont know how to say it and he’ll start questioning them before he knows the whole truth and theyll f~~~ the story up. My old school buddies, some neighbors and a few cousins have turned against me because of my sis. she’s know them since we were 6-7. I dont have evidence about how i know it was her but i know. its her. everyone involved in this rumour spreading, only she and I know. and my aunts will be against me for sure. They would never side with me against my mom. its a clear choice. I left town. but i dont know many people where im staying right now. f~~~ing hell. and i cant find someone who is my age and still single. I dont want to be near a f~~~ing c~~~ except an expensive escort(the way the old guys say it sounds fine indeed). India isn’t that great a place to find social misfits or maybe Im missing it. I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia once but I dont trust that f~~~ing c~~~ of a doctor. She was speaking to my mom when i was not around. My mom mightve said some stuff so that after ive been diagnosed with it, my situation might be more f~~~ed so that she and my sis can control me using fear. I was considering disappearing once leaving a note that said “I dont want to be found” in case the police get involved but i dont want to live in the streets. I dont have a degree and not many skills.
I’m f~~~ing angry at my mother and my sister. I want to f~~~ing beat the s~~~ out of my sister and i know the consequences but i want to f~~~ing do it anyway. Not just her. the so called “childhood friends” who took my sister’s word against my friendship, i want to f~~~ing remove their teeth. I want to beat the s~~~ out of them because they called me a friend and i believed it. Its been a long time since that incident. Things havent gotten much better. I was doing great. f~~~ing awesome.
I need to meet people and there are manginas all around. Isolation is a recipe for insanity is what Ive read somewhere. That is what I fear. I’ve been ghosting for a while but i know just one or two I enjoy company with and theyre f~~~ing busy with their gfs half of the time im with them. and f~~~ing up in social situations because my mind and emotions are preoccupied because of a f~~~ing incident keeps bringing me down.
I need a job but I feel like I need to settle my emotions before I start studying. Just cant focus man. I’ve been traveling for a while and found a small amount of peace but realised more s~~~ are yet to come.
I know its a little mixed up. My story. But some timely advice would be greatly appreciated.
Don't fucking tell me it's nighttime when the sun is clearly shining in the sky.
Skeptisk 3 years ago.
