The woman, The dog and the ledge

[TriviumParticipant 1029]

Maybe you’ve read my intro, maybe you haven’t but even if you haven’t this is the tale of the events after my so called partner left me after me devoting 14 years of my life to her. She ended it by telling me that in all those 14 years she always wanted someone else and needed to figure out if she could make it work with him.

I haven’t been able to tell anyone this particular part of my life and probably never will tell anyone in person but in all honesty I just need to get it off my chest because I’ve carried it around for long enough.

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After I had put my now ex on the plane back to her father and her own country I remember driving home. It was a wednesday morning in april 2014, I hadn’t taken the day off because I remember having to deal with invoicing issues most of the day because I apparently had worked more than my contract would permit and people were angry as usual. I never really understood why people would get angry when people worked ‘too much’ but it was an insufferably rest of the day climbing into the phone trying to get a good customer of mine to issue a PO for two days whilst sorting out the company bookkeeping and time writing systems.

In a way I am grateful that I was kept swamped in bulls~~~ for the day… bulls~~~ is a great detractor from any type of pain.

By the time 6 o’clock rolled around things started to die down and I realized that for the first time in 14 years I was alone… I hadn’t been allowed to do anything without her for 14 years but for some reason being alone didn’t feel as good as it should have. It felt like part of me had been completely destroyed. It was torn from me by a person I never thought could be so cold and calculating… I thought I was loved. In all these years cow-towing to her will, ridding myself of friend after friend and getting my vocabulary limited and my every activity curtailed I always thought that at least I was loved.

I wasn’t loved… if I died in that instant no one would even know until it came time to pay rent, knowing my benevolent landlord it would be a month after it came time to pay rent before they even bothered to open the door and find my rotting corpse.

And here I was, alone… in a house filled with the pictures she took, her knick-knacks. Her color scheme… the couch she picked, her clothes still in the cupboard everything she chose and then chose to abandon. I realized that my life was forfeit a long time ago. I had given up everything that was me just for the delusion that I was loved.

I wasn’t loved… I was used… I let her use me in ways that I wouldn’t wish on toilet paper. I let that happen.

The next months were agony… I blamed myself for everything. Spent all day working and only ventured out of the house to walk the dog. Dug through rooms and rooms of crap literally just crying and packing stuff into boxes. Yes I f~~~ing cried… I cried for nights on end… I hadn’t cried in years and all that grief had just stacked up and decided to escape all the in the span of a few months. I had literally only gotten one text from her saying she arrived and nothing since.

My friends didn’t have time for me… I didn’t blame them. My ex was excellent at alienating them and they wanted nothing to do with me because of her. I could never confide in my parents and even if I could they don’t live in the same country so it’s a trip and a half just to get there.

The only friend in the world I had was the dog. He was old already, couldn’t see or hear well anymore and I felt sorry for him having to be around this mess of a man. But we took our walks and I talked to him and sometimes it seemed to me as if he listened and understood.

The months slipped by like water under a bridge, with no end in sight of the misery. I had immersed myself in work so much people were beginning to wonder if everything was ok and it was around 6 months of working 80+ hours a week that I finally realized that I hadn’t told anyone that she had left me.

Even with the company party invites for christmas I simply hadn’t told anyone. People were shocked when I finally did fess up… I had always been that half of the perfect couple and people always wondered how I did it. That respect went… they gave me the usual platitudes: You’ll find another woman, you just have to get back out there etc etc. It was sickening.

I didn’t want another woman anymore, the house full of endless junk seemed to never empty and whilst I didn’t cry myself to sleep anymore there was little more to my life than boxing up crap, bringing it to the second hand store and taking walks with my old friend the dog.

Somehow a year passed… the pain had changed into a monotonous grayness that seemed to cover everything. Nothing could hold my interest, everything was boring, uninteresting and even food tasted bland like moistened cardboard.

I was walking the dog one evening when out of nothing he shot off running and barking like crazy ( hadn’t put him on a leash in ages, he could barely walk anyway). He hadn’t ran in years let alone barked so I was somewhat surprised and perturbed by the strange squealing barks. He just kept running and running in a straight line… across a wide strip of grass and then… into the waters of a wide canal across from a renault dealer.

Something had gone horribly wrong and fear smacked me in the back of the head sending icy chills down the back of my spine. I set off after him. The dog had ran quite far and had been in the water swimming in an awkward left curve that kept him from reaching the edge. By the time I reached the water I could clearly see his head wasn’t above the surface and must’ve not been for a while now.

I tossed my coat aside and otherwise fully dressed jumped into the murky water, sinking deep into a slimy muck keeping me from making distance. The dog was still swimming ahead of me but not moving as fast as before.

Going as fast as I could, swimming, jumping and pushing myself to what seemed molasses I finally reached him and grabbed him pulling his head out of the water clutching him to my body. I turned and quick as I could I made myself back to the shoreline… it was too late. I was too slow, by the time I reached the grass at the side of the canal I knew that that last gurgling breath I heard from my old friend in the middle of the canal was indeed his last. I tried to resuscitate him but nothing, blood was streaming from his ear and for a while after I just laid there in the grass with him in my arms soaked in stinking canal water.

Something inside me snapped… I broke completely. I remember carrying my dead friend to my car wrapped in my coat, laid him gently on the passenger side seat and drove home. I sent myself an email that evening… god knows why. I replied to myself on the email with the flight arrangements for my ex who had left almost an exact year earlier.

I still have the email… it reads:
“​Dog drowned today 30th of march….” sent at exactly 7:30 PM

I didn’t show up for work the next day. I didn’t pick up the phone… I spent the day arranging an appropriate send off for the shell of my buddy. He was cremated on the first of April like a sad desperate joke. He now sits on my mantle with the dog collar around his urn.

No one asked me where I had been when I went back to work. It must’ve been pretty obvious that I was devastated and without my old friend to keep me company what had previously been a sheet of gray laid over the world quickly turned black.

My life was not worth living. What good is a man if he can’t hold a women, has no friends and can’t even protect the creature under his charge from death by drowning. The neighbor said his sheep sometimes kill themselves too, they are just done with life he said… but what good does that do me?

I had nothing left and my ex’s junk was still mocking me on a daily basis when I just decided it was time to check out. I didn’t make any arrangements… I didn’t make any plans. I was just going to drive to a nearby apartment block high-rise force the door to the roof and just jump.

So it was april 4th, exactly 1 year after my woman left me and a mere 3 days after my dog was cremated that I grabbed the crowbar from the basement, turned off the lights, locked the door behind me, got in my car and drove to a nearby high-rise. Things were almost going in slow motion from there on in… I got out of my car, walked to the trunk and put the crowbar in a shopping bag. Rang a few doorbells and was let in without issue. It was late as I made myself up the stairs of what probably was only an 8 or 9 story apartment complex (I never went back to count). I didn’t encounter anybody on the way up the stairs but I remember the place smelling faintly of urine and smoke. The very top ‘floor’ was nothing more than a short hallway with two doors one probably a maintenance access for the elevator system and the other door clearly marked as exit by an old poorly lit green exit sign. “Fitting” I sighed to myself as I inspected the door. There were 2 deadbolts keeping it closed from the inside and a simple lock but the door looked heavy. For a brief moment I wondered if I would be able to get it open but after removing the deadbolts the flimsy lock gave way with a push of my body and before I knew it I was outside.

I was standing on the roof of an apartment complex with an Aldi’s shopping bag in my left hand, closed the door behind me and started wandering around the edge of the building looking for a clear drop down that wouldn’t end with me laying on someone’s balcony.

My head was completely empty, I thought nothing, I felt nothing but it was as if my head was encased in foam muffling outside sounds… I was almost excited at the thought that it was going to be over soon. There were no solutions. I, the guy who could fix anything, solve any issue that I put my mind to I had no more answers. Maybe everything I ever did was just a mistake, my relationship didn’t work out and I never saw it coming, I couldn’t fix it. I was alienated from my parents and family, I couldn’t save my friend or keep my friends. I couldn’t do anything right. It was hopeless… I was a wasted life, a wasted soul and I didn’t see a way out. Words cannot even describe the pointlessness of it all.

I found a ledge that seemed suitable and decided to sit down for a bit, I laid down the aldi’s bag beside me and peered over the edge.

A mere 30 meters or so away from rock bottom… all I had to do was lean forward and all the pain would go away.

To this day I am not sure what made me not ‘just lean forward’…. something inside me was clawing at me, growling and howling at me, raging at me, cursing me for my cowardice, pleading to stay alive, filling me with dread the second I decided to sit down. I wanted it all to be over so much but that night I found something inside of me that I didn’t recognize. Something… I don’t know… something more primal that just didn’t want to die, that wanted to keep on going in spite of everything. Maybe it was just plain the fear of falling. I felt like I was trapped in a hall of darkened unshapely mirrors and in one of the mirrors I saw myself but it wasn’t just me… it was something else, something like me but different looking back at me with a pleading look on it’s face.

And in that brief moment of inner strength I stood up, let out an earth-shattering scream, took a step back stumbled, fell back landed hard on my ass and I let out a laugh… a laugh of all things. I got up turned around, dusted myself off, walked through the door I came out of, down the stairs and jumped into my car and drove home in absolute silence.

I looked at the clock when I got home and realized I must’ve been up there talking to myself for at least an hour and a half, even I don’t think I ever recall what went on in that hour and a half that seemed like no more than 10 minutes. I stripped down, took a hot shower, went to bed and for the first time in ages I slept well.

Looking back I wonder what the person must’ve thought when they found the unlocked broken roof door and crowbar in the aldi’s bag that I had forgotten on the ledge of their apartment building. I hope it gave them an insight into my story and part of the strength I found that night.

It is difficult to describe what stirred in me that night. I wish I could put it into words better for you, but in spite of being striving to be ever rational I now believe that inside every man something lays sleeping. Maybe it’s a monster, maybe a beast, a king or an emperor but in each and every one of us there is something ‘more’. Maybe in my case it was just my inner coward too scared to take the plunge, but I’d rather stick to believing that it was some new-found strength.

So I share this story with you, not only because I needed to write down this crucial part of my existence but also in the hopes that no matter how bleak your life is, no matter how dark the path seems to be and no matter how hopeless things appear at times know that there is more to you. More than even you think there may be.

"Listen to all, Follow none"

[JVBParticipant]

I’m happy you are still with us bro. I enjoy reading your post. My best friend is my dog so I’m sorry for your loss. I hope things are better for you now.

Peace is > piece.

[DarkRyuParticipant 2354]

What a wonderful story. I can truly imagine how you must have felt, but you got through it!

I’ve always known that I was going to die only one of two ways; either by an accident or suicide. I plan to live a long and healthy life, and once I’m not functioning very well anymore (can’t p~~~, or can’t stop p~~~ing myself, or I’m in pain all the time with no relief), I’m going to commit suicide.

I’ve always thought that there was something that would stop me from committing suicide, and it scares the hell out of me because I don’t want to live like that. I guess I can always hope that assisted suicide becomes legal by the time I’m old enough to have problems.

I’ve been alone most of my life, with my dog as my only companion. And when they die I always contemplate suicide. The pain is so terrible that it takes years before I can get another dog. But they’re always with you so long as you remember them and keep the love that they gave you in your heart.

[SlayherParticipant 2074]

Thanks for sharing. Man, I’m glad you’re still with us.

[Anonymous 0]

A heart wrenching story, to be sure. I’m happy that you feel comfortable enough to share this very emotional time in your life with other men in an effort to help. It speaks volumes about your character. And also that you are on the road to living again.

Something comes to mind; when a woman leaves a man under the circumstances you described, she usually finds that her new life is not what she thought it would be and she will try to monkey- branch back to you when it fails. Have you given any thought as to your reaction if and when that happens? Beware, don’t let her do it.

[TriviumParticipant 1029]

That’s for all the feedback, looking at the post I realize it’s fairly long for a forum post of any sort.

JVB wrote:

My best friend is my dog so I’m sorry for your loss.

The dog won’t be around forever but I wouldn’t have traded the experience for the world.

DarkRyu wrote:

I plan to live a long and healthy life, and once I’m not functioning very well anymore (can’t p~~~, or can’t stop p~~~ing myself, or I’m in pain all the time with no relief), I’m going to commit suicide.

I always thought that to. The trick is finding a way to exit with grace and that requires a lot of thought.

Anonymous wrote:

Something comes to mind; when a woman leaves a man under the circumstances you described, she usually finds that her new life is not what she thought it would be and she will try to monkey- branch back to you when it fails. Have you given any thought as to your reaction if and when that happens? Beware, don’t let her do it.

Her life isn’t what she thought it would be. The guy she wanted rejected her and she now is stuck in a dead end job. If it weren’t for her dad who spent a frugal life she wouldn’t have any money to have any kind of life. She’s been texting me this year… she didn’t ask me back outright but the hints were there. Either way she’s been dating and sleeping around so her efforts fall short of the mark. If a woman is ever to enter my life again she will have to be able to bring something more to the table than just sex.
The whole experience has changed me quite a bit… I think my life is better now without her or any woman than with and above all I have grown more careful of what I let happen to myself. We men are surprisingly strong and resilient, but we’re not impervious. We do well to shield ourselves.

"Listen to all, Follow none"

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