The Time to Sacrifice All and Make Your Woman Happy

[RyderParticipant 28]

From my intro, I spoke a bit about my divorce, and explained that it went fast, easy, and I came out a whole man.

Perhaps by sharing the story about how I did this, will save someone a lot of pain, especially kids. And you. And yes… your ex. (and hopefully make it that much harder for a couple of goddamed lawyers from sending THEIR kids to college).

What leads to divorce doesn’t matter. That’s past you. It can’t be fixed nor undone.

What you do as divorce becomes inevitable is where you need to be perfect in everything you do, as if your life depends on it.

My story: My wife of 6 years had been for some time trying to put a wedge between myself an my extended family… my sisters and brothers and my mother. I was given an ultimatum in marriage counseling to choose between her or them. If they were bad people, or a danger to her or our son… then that might be a rational position. But on the contrary, they are terrific, loved her, and she loved them. The whys of female insanity aren’t important now. Too late for that.

So divorce it was. Coming from a broken home that had an extended divorce process (some 5 years), my childhood was scarred by the process… and I knew what horrors lie in wait.

If you’ve not seen it… head to Netflix and watch “Divorce Corp.” Scarier than any horror film I’ve ever seen.

Family court is to be avoided. You have to make it your life’s goal.

Mostly, I needed to spare pain and suffering for my son. A bats~~~ insane, angry, vindictive and vengeful soon to be ex WILL harm your children. They will be affected by that s~~~, and its terrifying for the younger ones. My 5 year old son knew something was wrong. And as he put it… when I asked him why he was crying, he said: “I’m afraid for everything.”. That killed me. An icy cold spike right through my heart.

I felt I was a failure… I’d not protected him… and I suppose it’s 100% true. This is an area where there are no excuses. I did fail to protect him. But I swore that to the absolute best of my ability, I would from that moment on.

Now this was the driving force behind my life, and for those guys that don’t have children… all of this can still apply to you… because you need to protect yourself from pain and suffering if you can.

At this point, know that life is not fair. It was never supposed to be. And the laws are the laws. If you are focusing on the injustice of it all, you are focusing on the wrong thing. This is not the time for that. No pity parties.

I absolutely knew that the only way to prevent my son from being hurt, was to make sure that my wife was as happy as I could possibly make her, during the transition. This means being the best you can be… swallowing the largest mounds of s~~~ you can imagine. Never losing your composure. And your composure will be tested.

Job number one: Keep her happy. This means she gets what she wants… and you agree. And you do it with the right attitude. As f~~~ed up as this sounds, let me explain what this earns you. You want your tools? So does she. But ONLY because you want them. Understand that your “stuff” is meaningless compared to your life… and the life of your children. It’s absolutely disposable. Look at it as an excuse to get all new f~~~ing tools six months later! I was all Zen at such moments. The idea is to be strong, but flexible, so that the punch never really hits you. You bend around it. “Well, I sure could use them… but if you think you need them, then it’s fine by me.” And it was not a lie. I was NOT thinking about the tools. I was thinking about the goal. Some weeks or months later, you’ll get the tools back… because she sure as hell doesn’t want them, and having the garage filled with your s~~~ is only a hassle for her. But because you kept her happy, and kept your integrity, she’ll likely come up with an excuse to change her mind… and you will have never fought over it for a single moment.

Key step: Sleeping arrangements. You should not be sleeping together… but you should be in the home while everything is settled. Suggest “Perhaps it would be better if I slept in the guest room for now while we go through this process…” Pick the right time for this… when she’s most receptive.

Now with this example in mind… you need to keep her close with respect to the details of the legal aspects of all of this… and be feeding her good information about how the process can be done with a paralegal (check your state… was true in California). Find a paralegal outfit that does divorce assistance, and when you guys can talk, and there are no sparks flying (and they shouldn’t be… because you are a f~~~ing Zen Master, right?) she needs to hear things that comfort her… that help keep her defenses from going up. “I found these people… they seem real helpful, and say we can take care of everything through them. A few forms… and they make it happen.” Become the helpful expert on the process… and if she is not receptive to you… simply suggest that she contact them herself… and continue to extol their virtues.

In my case, there were fortunate circumstances… we had two homes… the one she was in before we married, and the one we lived in at the time of the divorce. At first she said that she wanted the new house… and I should take her old, smaller house. “Ok… that sounds fine to me.” Notice I’m not saying “if you say so” or elevating her decision making power… I’m saying that *I* think it sounds like a good idea… I’m simply agreeing… NOT ACQUIESCING. The idea here is that you are not losing station… and that she will start seeing you as a dog which she will automatically despise… Take the high road. Assume your rightful station, and then simply agree after considering what she said. “I can make that work… sounds good to me.” Not “whatever makes you happy”. She will hate that condescending s~~~… and you’re going to be in trouble fast.

If she starts to not trust it…. “why are you being so nice to me”, that is the time to be Mr. Cool “Look, I don’t hate you… you’re the mother of our children… you’re important in this situation… as much as me and as much as the kids. I can’t see a point in choosing to fight when it’s not necessary, and will only hurt our son… because no matter how hard we try to hide it, he’s going to feel it… he’s a smart kid. He can sense when something is wrong…. so what’s best so far as I am concerned, is to make things work as well as they can be… and he’ll not go through so much pain through all of this. He doesn’t deserve it. So I wan’t whats best for everyone… including you.”

When you can deliver this… you will have laid a foundation of trust and respect that will be what keeps her from calling a lawyer. You’re sad, but solemn. It’s quite like a funeral. So treat the diseased with respect. Be warm but not too warm. Comforting, but not too comforting.

If you’re really amazing at this, she may even decide she want’s to try keeping the marriage. It’s your call… but f~~~ no, “I think this is for the best… it’s unfortunate, but things happen for a reason.” Here you are invoking destiny. Hard to argue with destiny.

For me, in the weeks and months that followed… she changed her mind about which house she wanted. I said “OK… do you need help getting the renters out of the house and getting it ready?” Indeed she did. She wanted new carpet, new paint, a new garage door, fresh lino in the kitchen. My job was to make that happen. And it did. With the carpet and colors she wanted. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Good thing I had tools…. which of course she would be taking.

About then, I hear the words: “I don’t really think I need the tools… I think the garage it too small for them. You should keep them.” Bam. Still have my tools.

All through this, you’re explaining things to your kids… with her present. You present a united front. “Your mom really likes the other house, and wants to stay there… and your room will be there… with your toys and everything… and of course your room here will always be here too, so you can stay in either one you want to.”

This is important as well. You are outlining the absolute equality of his situation… two rooms, two sets of toys, and two places he can be when he wants… NEVER “You’re staying with you mom… but you can come visit me a lot!” Even if true… don’t ever think of it that way, and never say it that way. “visit” should be stricken from your dictionary.

What we ended up doing, is having him stay during the school week where he was closest to school… and when he went into high school, it was actually closer to her… so his school week were with her following that.

But one brick at a time… you lay a foundation of trust, and reasonable behavior that she can model. You’re never acquiescing… but are instead agreeing with her judgement and ideas… and steering her toward yours as necessary.

Do as she wants to be happy… and be sure to offer help in all matters.

If you do this right, everyone wins big in what would otherwise be a terrible losing situation. You may lose a house. You may lose some of your s~~~. She may take advantage of how reasonable you are. Just *know* that all of that is worth it…. but when you are doing it right… you should be able to negotiate a “split” of things… and you are certainly claiming what you can… and what she agrees to… But you are always graciously agreeing with her sense of “fair”. If she tests you “Well then how about I just take everything since you are being so agreeable”…. that’s when you stand up for yourself…. “Look, I’m trying to be reasonable, and not sweating the small stuff… but there’s a limit to that… just be fair about things and I’ll know when you’re being fair… and I’ll try to be as agreeable as I can be… but honestly, what is the sense of fighting? We all need “stuff” to get on with our lives, and there’s no reason why we can’t divide things in a way that makes sense… right?”
So you’ve stood up for yourself when tested… no anger. No defensiveness. Just being a reasonable man, and setting the bar high for behavior… in every interaction you have with her. ALWAYS take the high road, because just one call to a lawyer on her part due to a minor frustration could derail everything.

At the end of it all, you should be coming out saner, and with more of your s~~~ than you would have otherwise (again, see Divorce Corp. I mean it). And if there is a child in the mix… they should come out better as well.

Thank God we had two homes… and that I NEVER mixed our finances during marriage. Just don’t f~~~ing do it. Use any excuse you want “I’m used to having my own finances… it’s better that way for me… ” and “I think it’s best that we each have totally separate accounts on everything just so that if some ID thief hacks yours or my info… and they steal our savings or something… at least it will be only one account… it’s safer to have two that are unconnected…” Use your imagination.

Sorry for the meandering and rambling style… I’m just off the cuff here, remembering things from a decade ago…

Fire away with questions… here to help.

Ryder

I wash my Ferrari with the tears of lonely feminists.

[RyderParticipant 28]

PS, If you are Donald Trump… and have mega millions at stake… then obviously you’re going to have lawyers in your corner… but forgodsakes… keep them under control and out of sight… while you try to charm her through an amicable process. Call in the big guns as you see fit.

BTW Mr. Trump… I seriously want to bang your daughter. Damn.

I wash my Ferrari with the tears of lonely feminists.

[WallyParticipant]

While your story is not horrific in a physical sense it is psychologically and seeing everything you had to jump through to keep her happy so you could protect your son is reason enough not to marry. Your advice about money would be of benefit as well for those younger men who will marry and some will no matter what we tell them. I probably would have gone insane dealing with a divorce.

"what a waste of a life, to marry, give up your freedom, just for the hope of not dying alone. Don't get married Son."

[RoyDalParticipant]

Ryder wrote:

Perhaps by sharing the story about how I did this, will save someone a lot of pain, especially kids. And you. And yes… your ex. (and hopefully make it that much harder for a couple of goddamed lawyers from sending THEIR kids to college).

Thanks, good info!

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[Biggvs_DickvsParticipant 3725]

Ryder wrote:

So treat the diseased with respect.

Lol I know what you meant to say, but when think about it, perhaps this is even more accurate?

"Data, I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." --Captain Picard,

[Anonymous 18]

Very informative post Ryder. It is truly like how they teach in clinical sciences ‘How to deal with an angry patient’. Be calm, mirror patients concerns, be polite.

A woman is a forever on the defensive entity. Give her a sense that she is the majority shareholder and play her with her own mind games.

As they say the easiest one to be manipulated is the manipulator.

Another good reason to not marry.

Is she cordial to you? How close is your son to you?

[pharmerParticipant 407]

I gotta respect the steady grip you had on the situation Ryder. S~~~ty thing to go thru and you handled it well.
Taking a guys tools FFS, didn’t surprise me a bit when she went back on that, just trying to twist the knife. Sick evil bitches. Good save bro.

Never fuck a crazy chick.

[Anonymous 5]

I handled my divorce pretty much the same.
It’s not a time to get personal or think along the lines of, right or wrong, fair or unfair,,,and certainly not “Justice”
It’s about making the best of a bad situation and avoiding a contested divorce at all costs.
If you don’t keep your head, you’ll lose it.

Women are basically insecure and will over-react rather than under-react to the fact they’ll be on their own.

You won’t realize how you’re just something she exploits till she knows it’s her last chance to exploit you.
It becomes chillingly obvious.

She knows she has her family, friends, society and the state behind her but if you can get her to realize she won’t get nearly as much out of you if you can’t work it out together, (the legal system will effectively be taking her wealth too) then she’ll get greedy.
I made it crystal clear I was going for, and would get joint custody. She knew I’d get it too.
She had my son for about 6 months after, with me on weekends, then I had him full time with her visiting after that.

Of course, being the real self-centered child in the relationship and knowing she’s got the power to destroy,,,,,she’ll cheat in the division of assets,,,,and be a delicate bitch to boot whenever she can.

You wouldn’t be out of the woods yet here where a divorce separation can be easily contested for a year after, so, you’d still have to play the cheerful customer relations guy.
After that, you don’t have to be her pseudo servant but strangely enough she’ll know the law in that respect better than you,,,and she’ll severely reduce her s~~~-testing.
My Ex tries NOTHING on me now, apart from trying to monkey branch back to me once ,,,I wasn’t silly enough to f~~~ her.

It’s a small price to get her out of your life.

[RyderParticipant 28]

Biggvs_Dickvs wrote:

Ryder wrote:

So treat the diseased with respect.

Lol I know what you meant to say, but when think about it, perhaps this is even more accurate?

LOL!!! I’d change it… but I can’t edit the post anymore…. hahahaaaa…. but yes, deceased.

I wash my Ferrari with the tears of lonely feminists.

[RyderParticipant 28]

Anonymous wrote:

Is she cordial to you? How close is your son to you?

We’re not close… but we are perfectly amicable. For example, I’ve had a key to her home (that she presented to me) for many years, just to help with working together to raise our son.

We have respect for each other, probably because we didn’t destroy each other in family court.

However, we probably talk once or twice a year… on the phone.

But at the same time, we have attended his graduations and such… together.

I wash my Ferrari with the tears of lonely feminists.

[QuietlyquietlyParticipant 728]

Well it didn’t happen that way for me, despite trying.

I should have known I had lost when she said, “the kids are going to be destroyed [by this]….”

I said, “They won’t be unaffected, but they won’t be destroyed. The kids look to us for their security, and if we’re polite with each other…..”

“THE KIDS ARE GOING TO BE DESTROYED!!!!”

Yeah, I should have understood that she meant she was going to destroy our kids lives.

I takes two people to make things work out okay. If one is intent on destroying stuff, ain’t nothing you can do about it. I haven’t had any communication back from either of my children for over 7 years now.

Anyway, glad to hear yours was okay.

[Author]

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