My dream, before becoming a MGTOW, was to be a father. I wanted to be a father because I knew that they shape the men of the future and my father did a half ass job. I wanted to develop a strong son and be a better father than mine was. I got a glimpse of this dream on my first date, at the age of 18. Yeah, senior year of high school. I tried to get girls in freshman through junior year, but it never went far enough for anything more than some blows to my confidence to occur.
My date was with this girl in my art class, we’ll call her Hotel, at her house on their New Years family celebration. Yeah, I thought it was weird too, but I was mindless blue pill, at the time, so I said “f~~~ it, why not”. Anyways, the weird date actually went well. We were talking a lot, laughing, we had fun playing/baby sitting her cousins while their parents got drunk and watched mindless bull crap. It felt like what I’d been dreaming of. I also thought it was going well because her family really liked me, hell they even got me a present. And at midnight, Hotel kissed me, and you guessed it, first kiss, and I was just going to go for a kiss on the cheek and a hug or something. Well out of nowhere she breaks up with me a week later, no real reasons why.
I felt devastated. I’d been trying to get a girlfriend since the beginning of high school, I get her and do everything that girls say is right, and bam, dumped. So I went to the internet for answers… after some porn and self loathing, of course. I ending discovering the red pill and MGTOW through Sandman, Tom Leykis, and Turd Flinging Monkey while searching for PUA and relationship knowledge.
At first I didn’t want to fully believe everything. I tried to purple pill for awhile. I actually did improve a little and I definitely fixed my confidence. The problem with that was there were very few girls I actually saw as worth any efforts. They were either ugly and a bitch or hot and a bitch. Very few between those categories. No NAWALTs at all, not even at the time period where a girl is most likely to be anything near one.
This issue really came up at prom. I was f~~~ing looking spiffy, dancing better than 90% of the other f~~~ers, and socializing all over. I looked around and easily see that I had female attention. Hell, one girl in my friend group broke up with her boyfriend because he wasn’t dancing and socializing as much as me and one of my other friends who found themselves in the 10% group; he wasn’t an “alpha”, that day. But anyways, the slow dance songs came up and I looked around for a girl to dance with, but I couldn’t find any of them worth it. Not f~~~ing one. Like 100 single girls and 50 that would probably ditch their date and I found zero worth it. Not after knowing female nature and witnessing female nature. I went home afterwards just feeling empty and defeated.
I watched some more videos and finally accepted it the truth. There is no NAWALT and my dream of being a father was comparable to russian roulette. I became a red piller and accepted that my dream was dead, that it needed to die for my own good.
Then after a relatively uneventful semester of summer college, I left home for army basic training (I enlisted prior to all this, but high school delayed ship date). The main thing to note there is that my fellow trainees were mostly blue pill manginas and many of them got burned through the infamous Jody or “Dear John” letters while there. I also find it interesting to note that they praised me for my virginity and abstinence (not by choice lol), yet none of them said they’d go abstinent when they got back. Blue pill weakness? Stupidity? Probably both. At least most of them were decent at our job.
I’ve recently got back from training and have spent my time working out, playing video games, squaring s~~~ away for college, and thinking of ways to achieve new dreams. The death of my old dream still haunts me from time to time with sleepless nights and endless questions about my future that I have trouble answering. I guess I felt that writing this would help me find some peace.
Thank you all for your time and good luck in your endeavors.
FNG
Slingshot 3 years, 10 months ago.
