Sometimes I *HAVE* to be alone

[ResParticipant 542]

Maybe this thread doesn’t belong in relations~~~s but it doesn’t fit anywhere else either. Apologies for the long past and rambling a bit, just need to vent some.

As I’ve posted elsewhere I have two disabilities one of them being schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. One of the symptoms is it makes me paranoid. As you also are aware, the US is currently facing some of the worst hurricanes in history, and as it happens to be, I live in Central Florida where the projected path of Irma will skip right over. I’ve been through 4 hurricanes living here over the past 16 years, but this one is different. With my mental health having declined, this one has me scared. I’ve not noticed paranoia in general since starting meds over 3 years ago. I have visual and auditory hallucinations too (even while on meds occasionally). Imagine things like seeing cars on the road with people yelling at you (which aren’t really there). To me those cars and people are *REAL*. There’s no other way to describe it. I’m feeling genuinely scared right now. The stress is affecting me in ways I’ve never experience before. I feel comfortable talking about this to you, as I feel comfortable discussing issues here that I wouldn’t (even on mental health support forums). I don’t feel comfortable talking with this to family. I know they don’t understand.

Anyway, I felt compelled to make this post while getting back from smoking a cigar at a busy cigar bar here in Orlando. For me, going my own way is something I take to heart. I was sitting right up at the bar and business picked up as the football game came on. That paranoia… it’s like suddenly the whole world is talking about you. Someone scored a touchdown (I don’t know or care which team; Bronkowski was the first score) and I generally lacked interest or concern but it was like the guys behind me were mocking me. I was also being mocked for drinking a coffee with my cigar, and then later for not smoking another cigar and vaping instead! I was happy to finish my coffee and leave and left without a word. This is my way. I’m not a confrontational person, and that’s a good thing in this case. I do know how to recognize the signs of my illness, but it’s still confusing. It’s unexpected that it would happen now and with such intensity though.

I hope I don’t lose my mind, because it trumps all 5 of the senses. It’s one thing if you can’t see or hear and have to wear glasses or a hearing aid; having no mind could mean not having ANY of it. All reality gets distorted into oblivion. I’ve never tried hard drugs before, but I’d guess the experience is similar and I know I would never want to experience that horror.

Going my own way is still a choice. I’ve had opportunities come and go for relationships. Mostly they aren’t meaningful and it’s just pointless. Just having a few good friends in life makes all the difference to me and I have that. My dad is a jerk and I’ve not heard a word from him since my last post on the subject, but I don’t need him with the support I have. For now I want to work on being happy and focusing on myself and establishing a career.

However, I’m rambling a bit and getting away from the topic. Coming back from the bar, I got back to my apartment and sat at the outside lounge with my phone and talked to family and friends. I was glad to be alone. It takes all the pressure off and I can just let my mind wander. I experience my emotions through thoughts. If I’m happy, I think of happy things, like a baby smiling. If I’m scared, like I am now, I *feel* sad, but I think of scary things like having a seizure or hallucinating. Even my sexuality is through thought. I don’t know how else to describe it, but for me this is true. It also puts me at a disadvantage when dealing with certain personalities. I’m an introvert, and proud of it.

I’m going to my mom’s house for hurricane Irma. She has work tomorrow if you can believe that, and the 3 day cone of the storm is now right on top of us. We should start seeing rain bands on Saturday evening with the ginormous size of the storm. I am going tomorrow morning to put plywood on windows, but at least I don’t have to wake up at 6am for work 😀 I will be helping mom take care of 2 large dogs and 4 cats (if not more).

Thanks for reading this and have a good evening, and if you’re in the path of Irma be safe and God bless.

Mr. Boats: "'Avoid the reeking herd! Shun the polluted flock! Live like that stoic bird, the eagle of the rock!' You know what that means, son?" -American Splendor

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Relax–you’re a man and you are going to make it. We will survive this–we have survived others. The first thing is don’t panic—If you do I’m not sure what the second thing is—anyway we’re going to make it through this. Just remember who and what you are.

[Anonymous 18]

Brother, you made the right decision to spend time with your mom. Halfway through the post I felt like writing the same- that you should spend time with family and preferably at a different location that what you call home.

I hope sharing the experience has helped you feel somewhat better.

Personally, I can’t pretend to know the complexities of mental well-being or illness for that matter. It’s important that you recognize your own symptoms and take steps to alleviate them.

For everything else you got a kickass band of bros here – feel free to drop us a line at anytime man.

Be safe out there. And do keep us posted 🙂

[hmskl’dParticipant 6406]

Living in north and can tell cold weather system here moved thru with real speed, .. that jog which is dependent on this weather system might be made off the peninsula and hook to far side of accepted cone zone. jmo. All the best.

[NomadicExpatParticipant 1785]

Fellow Introvert here, I know exactly what you mean by your thread title.

I HAVE to be alone, or have alone time, at least once every 48 to 72 hours. It’s akin to being a smoker; You don’t have to smoke every second of every day, but you have to know when your next smoke break is to feel “okay”.

For me, I equate it to ‘Good Mental Housekeeping’. Tonight is my introvert night. I got off work around 7:00, and won’t speak or interact with another soul (other than you all here) until about 4:00 tomorrow.

For me it feels like a vacation. A GLORIOUS vacation from the constant “me me me me me, look at MEEE mee buy, buy this BUY THIS BUY BUY BUY!!!!”

I don’t understand how extroverts can swim through this toxic garbage 24/7 and not need a break from it. Everywhere I turn outside of these walls I see a form of manipulation. Whether it’s a sexy looking flirty girl, an advertisement, a political slogan, someone with their hand out, or the dreaded “free advice”, it’s always SOMETHING trying to manipulate me. Take from me.

When I’m alone, with no cable and only books and an internet connection, my brain finally gets to unwind. I can let down my mental screens and guards. I can actually hear myself THINK for a change. I can reflect upon my day, decide the best course of action for MY life in the coming days, and identify troubles that are out of my control, therefore I can positively DELETE them from my conscience.

Tonight, I am free of all the noise and clutter. I am free to let my mind explore, and to deep dive into philisophical pursuits. Tonight I’m reading further into Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations.

I will not worry about what time it is, or when I go to bed. I will not set an alarm. I will wake up whenever my body decides to. I will wake up to a squeaky clean house, with coffee ready to brew, and all the ingredients for my favorite breakfast set aside. I will leisurely enjoy breakfast while reading for at least an hour, maybe two. I’ll take a shower for a half hour after that. Then I’ll listen to music or informative lectures on whatever topic I’d like, for now Stoicism.

Then I’ll be off to work again, and I will feel like a million bucks. I will look (as people have told me) like I just got back from a week-long vacation. I will be chatty, extroverted, fun to be around and helpful. I’ll manage to do that for about two more days… Then I need an introvert night/day again.

Hence, I will NEVER, EVER cohabitate with a woman EVER again.

Women HATE a man enjoying time by himself. That’s why I’m here.

Enjoy your solitude Brother. Let your mind unwind, uncoil, relax. Take joy in the silence. It’s Bliss.

[RusskyParticipant 13503]

Sometimes??
I have to be alone most of my time
Alone is the wrong word – by myself is the better term, or – on my own – is even better

proud carrier of the 'why?' chromosome

[Anonymous 42]

Alone is sovereignty. I can’t surrender it to the state via the company of a woman, the two are now seamlessly in one body called the state.

I choose Sovereignty until the day I die!

I’ve seen all that the state can do and it’s TERRIFYING!

[Anonymous 5]

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” Arthur Schopenhauer

Before MGTOW and Schopenhauer, I used to think the Hikikomori of Japan were some of the most tragic people on earth. I now know otherwise.
I now know they’re a very special group of intelligent men who’ve dared to escape their incredibly sociopathic, toxic society, regardless of the inevitable shaming.
This is despite shaming or “loss of face” having a much greater significance in their culture. I’m in awe of Hikikomori.

Women think they’re on a winner when they shame men for needing their own space.
They’ve evolved to be hard wired to NEVER be alone. She can only exist if there are others to project an image. Solitude for a woman is torture and a slow death.
Women use all other forms of shaming tongue in cheek, especially masturbation, but with solitude they think they’re on a winner.

Try to desensitize yourself to a life time of being shamed by Blue Pill society. Accept that you’re hard wired to thrive in solitude and embrace it.

Res wrote:

for not smoking another cigar and vaping instead

I know what you’re talking about. Around here hardly anyone vapes and I get weird looks every time I vape in public.
It’s been nearly 5 years since I stopped smoking so I thought everyone would have caught on by now.
Perhaps “A Billion Lives” might enlighten people. It’s certainly changed government opinions around the world.

[DocParticipant]

Nomnadicexpat

You sum it up nicely there brother.

I am most definitely introverted and need a lot of solitude.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger’s.
Man that helped me make sense of a heck of a lot of the ways I think feel and act. My then wife couldn’t handle the downsides of the Asperger’s.
I knew I was a loner at heart. Not a loner in that I need to totally alone all the time but a loner who needs periods where I see nobody.
I am 45 now and returned to studying in my 30s. I would spend days on end alone and realised I enjoyed it more than anything else.

I have two young children who I have half the time since my divorce. My son shows early signs of Asperger’s and is waiting for assessment.
He and I are line clones.

I digress however. Once the dust settled after my divorce I took stock of my life and reflected back on the years I spent in relationships and the years I was single. I realised I was always happier single.
Single means I total control for me. Answer to nobody but my boss who sadly is a f~~~ing woman.
More on that another time. There is enough there for a conference if you catch my drift.

Yes solitude, space, and me time. Never to be given up again for nobody except my children.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape, finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. Marcus Aurelius

[DocParticipant]

I forgot to say that having the diagnosis of the Asperger’s was on the whole a good thing but my confidence took a huge hit because whenever I interact with people I am always wondering if I come across as ok.
Even when I contribute to the threads here I am deep down wondering if what I contribute is properly in context with what others have to say.
It’s difficult to explain what I mean.
It’s like I see absolutely everything just that little bit differently to most people so can often be completely misunderstood.
I often completely misunderstand people too.
Result is I often retreat to my cave and leave the world too it.

I think I have been more confident in the threads here because I feel in safe hands with you all.
Being a single white Christian heterosexual man with many scars.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape, finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. Marcus Aurelius

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