My push to become a MGTOW-er.
I was the baby born to keep a man(my biological father) controlled in a relationship. That didn’t really work out for my mother who eventually moved on to my 1st step father. An alcoholic whom I am sure drank to drown out my mother. Non-the-less still no better than my mother. A rage filled and vengeful woman. When she divorced him, I became the focus of her rage. I see now that I became co-dependent because of childhood.
My first girlfriend, at the age of 17, became everything to me. I had found my soulmate… because high school sweethearts always workout…. When she had cheated on me my life was over. I had never felt anything like that. I trudged through to graduation. I was awarded a full ride scholarship to college. And lucky me :/ , she was able to go to the same one after I had tutored her in math while we were in ‘love’. She invited me to her dorm every so often because she wanted sex. I was 18, my libido and heart overruled my inexperienced brain. I offered to pay for the morning after pill and anything else needed but she said ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to get pregnant’… I will never forget those words. She got pregnant. Good bye college and hello military. I spent 4 years enlisted (starting in 2001) so I could provide for my child out of wedlock while she lived with her parents and re-ignited with old boyfriends. I returned from over seas after 4 years to discover she had moved across the continental US with an ex. She then went for welfare where the state of AZ took me to court for child support. She didn’t even have to show up. The state provides her a lawyer. She then moved and kept it a secret to keep my daughter from me while extorting child support out of me. I had to quit school and gave plasma twice a week to pay child support. I found where she was and gave her the ultimatum; I get my rightful custody or the other guy that she says she is marrying will complete a step parent adoption( this is the abridged version). My ex would have screwed my daughters life so the adoption I feel at least gives my daughter a chance at a normal life.
I have no ill-will to my 2nd girlfriend.
My 3rd. I have experienced first hand what BPD is. I have never fought with anyone so much in my life. Someone who could lie straight to my face to the point where I’m confident she believes it. I questioned my own sanity. Was I causing her to be like this? I began to even lie to myself. I could catch her in her lies and she would ignore it. I held on to far too long to hope. Near the end I developed an defense mechanism that still exists in me when a girlfriend wants to fight over illogical issues. I fade into the background. I become dissociated and see things from the outside. Fighting in a relationship is a pointless endeavour of a bruised ego lashing out.
My 4th. A nerd. Someone who can play a video game, go to the gym with me, and even indulged in D&D with me. Her family loved me and were good people. According to her father I was the best thing that has ever happened to her. We never fought. Surely this is who I was always meant to be with. I would have moved heaven and earth for her. I would have paid for her college and encouraged her to succeed. She didn’t want kids and I am not keen on children after my first encounter with fathers in court. So she convinced me to go forward with a vasectomy…. who cares right? She said she wanted to get married all the time… Then she cheated on me with an ex she worked with. Furthermore then she said 2 months after my vasectomy she decided she wanted children.
My 5th. By now reality has purified by fire my delusions of the loyal trustworthy woman that society has brainwashed young men to believe. She was diagnosed BPD (this is how I know my 3rd had it.) When she fought I never fanned the flames. My ego doesn’t motivate to fight when a woman is throwing a tantrum anymore. I just stayed back and observed the illogical behavior of emotions she is powerless to control. I feel sorry for her. It ended and no tears. No rethinking my life. Just a sigh. Part relief, part sadness of the thought of going through it again one day.
Trusting a woman with your happiness is trusting Madoff with your retirement. I wish I could tell my younger self to protect yourself and diversify your happiness.
I hope someone can learn from my mistakes.
Jan Sobieski 4 years, 1 month ago.
