Should I find my long lost father?

[007 (Reborn)Participant 1672]

Hey guys,

Darth Gents recently brought up a topic about not dating single moms. The discussion that followed made me reconsider my opinion about my father.

I’ve only seen him about 10 times in my lifetime. We last met when I was 11 or 12 years old. I’m 23 now.

My memories of him were actually fond. He was alpha as f~~~. A really tall and muscular guy who dominated every situation. He was a no nonsense type of dude. My mom would always tell me what I should say to him when we met up. I think he picked up on that. I was a proxy for her hate speech. A puppet.

I remember him telling me to call HIM if I ever wanted to meet up. My mom trained me that I should never call him and instead wait for him to contact me instead. So no wonder he didn’t contact me.

I guess my mom and pops were never really together in a relationship. According to my mom, they were friends with benefits. She told him she was on the pill and bam she got pregnant. He told her to get an abortion, but she refused. He paid child support for 18 years.

My mom’s stories about him have changed a lot over time. Her inconsistency has led me to believe that there is more to the story than she is telling me.

I just did a people search on him for $2. I have his phone number and address now. Plus his nuclear family’s contact info.

Weird, my mom said he was 10 years younger than her, but it looks like he is actually a year older. Damn. They are both aging so fast.

I’m thinking that I should just say f~~~ it and call him. What do I have to lose? I’m so emotionally detached from everything in life now, that it doesn’t matter if this yields positive results.

I’m just curious to hear his side of the story. I missed out on having a father figure and it f~~~ed me up. I perceived him to be such a strong dude. If he was in my life, those traits might have rubbed off on me. It would have been nice to not be a mangina for 23 years.

Do you guys think it will be worth it to call him? WTF should I say?

Pursuing Happiness and Freedom.

[AutoliteParticipant]

I went looking for my biological father many years ago. It turns out that he was a total asshole and he was already dead.

If you do this thing, just be prepared for whatever you might find. Best of luck…

[KeymasterKeymaster]

007 (Reborn) wrote:

Darth Gents recently brought up a topic about not dating single moms. The discussion that followed made me reconsider my opinion about my father.

Good to hear.

You’re 23 and that’s “young”. But you’re way ahead already. I didn’t understand my own father — and all the things he did NOT say — until years after his death. This takes time, and you may be well into your 30s having navigated the world as a man yourself before you understand him.

If you’ll permit me to speculate here…..

007 (Reborn) wrote:

I remember him telling me to call HIM if I ever wanted to meet up

That’s not surprising at all, and VERY smart of him. It’s as if he already confidentally knows when the time comes and you are ready, he will be well received and you will walk into that situation equipped to understand.

He’s letting you navigate the world as a man of your own…. and trusts that the day will eventually come. He knows there’s nothing he can do in the mean time to “explain” or make you understand.

007 (Reborn) wrote:

My mom trained me that I should never call him and instead wait for him to contact me instead. So no wonder he didn’t contact me.

I don’t agree with your Mom on that, because your father really shouldn’t contact you until YOU are ready. In doing so, he’s treating you “like a man”. This is paying you a courtesy, even though it may not seem like it today.

In his position I would do the same and deflect it to you. It’s being gracious, and he may not be interested in INFLUENCING you – like a mother is more likely to do.

Would you want to contact someone who really doesn’t want to hear from you – or who isn’t ready to hear from you? Wouldn’t you leave it up to them?

007 (Reborn) wrote:

She told him she was on the pill and bam she got pregnant.

There is no such thing as “oops”.

She allowed herself to get pregnant on purpose. And you know this because she wanted it. Have you asked her? Would she tell you? Women lying to get pregnant on purpose is a goddam epidemic.

They don’t give a S~~~ about the man’s consent – and it’s MOST of them.

007 (Reborn) wrote:

I’m thinking that I should just say f~~~ it and call him.

007 (Reborn) wrote:

Do you guys think it will be worth it to call him? WTF should I say?

Why force it or put the much pressure on yourself to do it “today”. When the time is right, you’ll know, and it won’t be a question anymore. He was clear about calling HIM when you were ready. When you’re ready, I imagine you wont’ need to look for the words.

Again, I’m only speculating.

Best of luck to you, and wish you all good things.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[AwakenedParticipant 35212]

It appears to me from your post that you REALLY want to contact him. Maybe, I’m wrong, but that’s my overall impression.

You are a FREE MGTOW Man !!

So, You should do WHATEVER the f~~~ YOU want to do !!

Isn’t that what being MGTOW is ? Doing What You Want do.

Are you looking for Men to convince you to contact him ?
Alright, I’ll bite, Contact him !!

Or, Are you looking for Men to dissuade you from contacting him ?
Alright, I’ll bite, don’t contact him !!

My point is YOU must make the DECISION because YOU are the one that has to live with it for the rest of YOUR life !!

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Awakened wrote:

So, You should do WHATEVER the f~~~ YOU want to do !!

Emphasis that ^^

That’s the beauty of it all. Making the decision yourself (and your own choices) means you can congratulate yourself for your own successes, and berate yourself for your own mistakes. Best place to be.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Anonymous 0]

You probably should. I don’t guess it would hurt anything. However, if you wait around until after he dies, you could feel guilt or regret for not doing it.

[007 (Reborn)Participant 1672]

Awakened wrote:

It appears to me from your post that you REALLY want to contact him. Maybe, I’m wrong, but that’s my overall impression.

You are a FREE MGTOW Man !!

So, You should do WHATEVER the f~~~ YOU want to do !!

Thanks for emphasizing that. I still have a tendency to seek validation sometimes.

I’m going to call him when I get home in a few hours and will provide an update.

Pursuing Happiness and Freedom.

[narrow road travelerParticipant 1680]

You should contact him. Be prepared for any eventuality though. Have zero expectations and things will unfold as they will.

I’m the son of a deadbeat dad. He fits the cartoon characature. Not having resentment in your heart helps. In my situation they were both married. So the resentment was in me until I was in my mid twenties.

In your situation it appears that you’ll at least know how things panned out. You also have time on your side. He’s human just like you, and you’ve got a lot in common already because your genetic makeup is half him.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. --Sun Tsu

[Prefer Peace to PieceParticipant 10809]

007-

My vote would be yes, with reservations.

I would contact him with the idea of helping him or being a blessing to his life. I wouldn’t go with the idea of expecting anything from him. Don’t go with the idea of finding love, acceptance, or family.
Families are often a disappointment- but we love them anyway, warts and all. Good luck.

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

007 (Reborn) wrote:

My mom’s stories about him have changed a lot over time. Her inconsistency has led me to believe that there is more to the story than she is telling me.

Weird, my mom said he was 10 years younger than her, but it looks like he is actually a year older.

(A) You’ve noticed your mom has had “inconsistency” regarding your Dad
(B) You’ve already busted her on a critical fact (his age)

Those two things alone would be a great reason to contact him. Find out his side of things. And then decide for yourself who you believe.

[Anonymous 54]

Yes.
As long as you are syphcologicly prepaired for what ever it is you find.

I think one of the worst things in life, are the questions left unanwsered.
There is a time factor involved with this.

[Faust For ScienceParticipant 22576]

If you require to find your long lost father to find closure, then yes. Go find him.

[cj023Participant 723]

I did the exact same thing that you’re going through.. pick up the phone dial listen to the ring tone.. You will hear hello.. respond with the exact same thing as “hello” It unfolds from there. It’s scary, your heart will race so fast but no worries he’s your father! He’s red pill, and alpha, and mgtow (he doesn’t know what it means), there is no hate or judgment.. just call it was so hard for me haven’t seen my father in 10 years and I’m in my 20’s… So now that YOU KNOW. And I guarantee he knows it won’t be hard

[Anonymous 54]

“Hello”.. Hey , this is 007, I hope you dont mind me calling, I just wanted to say hi.

See where it goes from there.

[Anonymous 3]

007,

I have been thinking lately about divorces and how men always are the bad guys.
It works like this: the women spread stories through their social circles, everybody gets to “know” what happened, but only her version.

People may talk with the guy, but they will tell him nothing. Sometimes he never ears what he is accused off.
So, imagine what it is to have people looking at you, talking about you, acting strange, and even being hostile, without you understanding why…

Then, years after, the truth is revealed and people realise the guy was right after all.

He never had a chance, and he was right. I have seen this happening.

I learned not to care about what “people” say. It is stored as information, and only what I see for myself is a fact.

So, as others said, your attitude must be neutral. You cannot have expectations, because you have no direct knowledge.

And another thing, that others have already said. He may be your father, but you owe him nothing and he owes you nothing.
You are two men, strangers if not for a shared genetic and some history.
You do not HAVE to establish a relationship if you do not want.

So I would think of this as a new friendship.

[Puffin StuffParticipant 24979]

What if you wait and it’s too late? Then you will have missed out on knowing your father for good or bad. Treasure your family.

Believe me, my father was there everyday and he was good and bad, just like everyone else. He never showed us love. Be prepared for that, it’s normal. Men show their love differently. My father worked his ass off for his family.

I didn’t talk to my son for two years when he moved to his mom’s. It has created a distance that is difficult to bridge.

Your dad has left the door wide open.

#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.

[bladeParticipant]

Bro you know what i will say . Don’t be left wondering for the rest of your life .

THE PLANTATION HAS NOW TURNED INTO THE KILLING FIELDS . WOMAN ARE NOW ROLLING CAMBODIAN STYLE .

[Repulsive RalfParticipant 356]

If you don’t, you will never know.

Best thing about finding mine was the siblings I never knew I had, international ones at that, Mother was right to call him a “Womaniser”, but my sisters are the best, as are my beautiful nieces who call me their favourite uncle.

[sparcsParticipant 130]

I would want to if it was me. I wouldn’t want to second guess myself years from now.

I’ve never been in that situation, from either end, but I can imagine it taking place.
His mind will be racing, his emotions will be very powerful so the first call or meeting may not go as expected. He may need sometime to think things through, what he wants to say etc … You may not have the discussion/meeting you expect until the 2nd or 3rd time.

I remember years ago, a guy I worked with. He was also alpha and a no nonsense sort of guy. Never saw any emotion from him.
Talked to him one morning and he said that in the afternoon he was meeting with his teenage daughter that he hasn’t seen since she was a kid. They were going to be meeting at a diner and have a coffee.
He was so nervous he couldn’t think straight. You could tell his mind was not on anything else and we could barely converse.
The next day I asked him how it went and he had a grin from ear to ear. You could tell he was just plain old happy.
I don’t know the details of the “separation” or who contacted who for the meetup but it sure seemed to help him. I’m sure his daughter must have felt great too.

I know you’ll find some answers.

[guiParticipant 825]

Yes, you have nothing to lose from it. Go without raising expectations and you will be fine.

I really think from reading your post that you sound like you want it. Grant yourself that closure.

Pity and contempt are siblings. You only feel pity for those you consider weak.

[Author]

Posts