Permanent Vacation

[AntaresParticipant 208]

My story isn’t particularly bad nor interesting, and I’m grateful for that, although it makes this less than exciting. But sometimes it’s a simple mundane detail which makes a story relateable, and perhaps a guy like myself will read it and start his journey to freedom. Although not much happens here, I feel like typing so this will be long.

So my story. I didn’t have a male role model (aside from TV). Like many in my situation, I filled my head with what society told me. This set me up for failure as I put women on a pedestal, but right after high school I went through military basic training. As a non combat specialty, my training platoon had many women, and this drastically changed my perception of them – they came right the hell off that pedestal. But the basic programing from growing up remained.

My college days were spent in rocky relationship which died out after years, as neither of us were mature enough. Later I found another woman, we fell in love and so on. This went on for years as well. She was however a foreign national. I figured I’d go gun-ho and marry her and things would work out. Long story short, I had “government assistance” breaking up my marriage. We hadn’t gotten to the part where we have kids, so I got off clean in the divorce. However near the end I spent a period of two years torturing myself trying to salvage the marriage as it went wrong, exhausting myself physically and emotionally. I was determined to make it work, even if it killed me. But then I failed. I felt I lost everything and wanted to die.

I’d always struggled with depression, but things got VERY bad. I planned to kill myself but procrastinated so long I never got around to it (yeah, seriously). I felt so hurt I became numb to all emotion. This went on for years, but it was easier than the excruciating pain I felt before. Everything I held dear was crushed before me. Anything I cared about could be taken from me, and I may be powerless to stop it. So I embraced my numb feeling, transforming it to apathy, which changed again to… something else.

I just didn’t give a s~~~ about anything anymore.

It was similar to the movie Office Space, after the guy visits the hypnotherapist and is freed of social restraint. I was free from something but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I reflected on why my relationships went wrong, and found common problems I caused (choosing bad traits in women). I decided to take a vacation from chasing relationships and pull myself together. Since then I’ve noticed the dating situation has become vile and I continue to see how bad things go for men in divorce.

An odd thing happened when I dug through some older belongings about two years after my divorce: I found my dog tags from my time in the national guard. Looking at my name on them, I thought about who I was back then, and about how I’d changed. I was one of those guys a woman tries to change, then becomes unhappy with what she’s turned him into. My marriage ended before the process completed, but it was going that way fast. I decided I’d never again forget who I was, I put the dog tags around my neck and I’ve worn them ever since.

I’ve become so disgusted with society in general that I’ve isolated myself from media, and to some extent society. I bumped into the term MGTOW a few weeks ago and I’m amazed there’s a term for what I was doing. I’m also surprised there are men like me intending to become ghosts and check out from society altogether.

I’m mid 30s, fit, good looking, with a good job, etc. I’d say I’m a good catch, but I’m starting to doubt that considering the stories I’m hearing about unrealistic expectations from women. Reading stories from guys having marriages go to s~~~ after 20 or even 30 years really put things in perspective. It’s like even the “good” *cough* marriages can explode at any time. But for me, I mostly remember how miserable I was when married (and in relationships in general), even if occasionally happy. The ratio of BS to “worth it” is just not high enough, and these days I just have too much to lose (financially, time wise, as well as my own interests).

My vacation from relationships is becoming a permanent one. A woman at a branch office I work at was doing the usual relationship quiz. I said I was still single. She said “just let us know what kind of woman you want, and we’ll find her for you. Any woman you want.” That got my head spinning with the visions of my ideal woman. But I know she doesn’t exist, and my resolve hardened. I know the right woman for me is no woman.

I find it interesting so many men are coming to this conclusion independently. It makes me wonder where it’s all going, and I admit I’m very curious about that. On the other hand I dread the day society will wake up and “discover” MGTOW is happening. I’m sure it will explode, and then society will attempt to shame us back into submission. It wont change our minds, but it will be a pain in the ass. Like that girlfriend clinging to your ankles on the way out the door, but when you finally wave your last goodbye starts spitting insults at you. It just confirmed what you already knew and didn’t change anything, but it was just more bulls~~~ at the end you didn’t want.

Right now I find the philosophical aspects fascinating. I had already quit women because they’re not worth it, but never wondered why things are the way they are. I think reading up on the realities behind the situation gave me closure, like “oh, that’s why everything (including my life) is so f~~~ed up”.

I feel a little bad for the younger guys here, like they never had a chance. Then again I realized I never had one either. I was only under the illusion I had one and put up with years of bulls~~~ for my effort.

Price is what you pay, value is what you get. -- Ben Graham

[GoneGaltParticipant 361]

“I just didn’t give a s~~~ about anything anymore.”

First, welcome, I too had no idea that MGTOW existed until several weeks ago and that I had been one for a lot of years. Second, your comment above is exactly the point of the following article – give it a read and you’ll see what I mean:

http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-f~~~

“On the other hand I dread the day society will wake up and “discover” MGTOW is happening. I’m sure it will explode, and then society will attempt to shame us back into submission. It wont change our minds, but it will be a pain in the ass.”

The answer is simple – you said it in your first quote above, and so does the article: you deal with this by not giving a f~~~. Period. Someone doesn’t like the way you live? F~~~ them, why should you care what they think? The women where you work are clucking like rabid hens because you’re not showing interest in one of them? F~~~ them, who cares what they think? Your parents and/or relatives trying to guide you back to the herd? Why should you give a f~~~, it’s your life, not theirs – they may have brought you into this world but that was their f~~~ing decision, not yours, and you need to live your own life the way you see fit, not your parents, not your relatives, not your friends, not society – nobody.

It’s great that you survived your trauma, you’re obviously stronger for it, you’re thinking for yourself and most importantly you seem to be well on your way to self-awareness and independence. I was older when I face-palmed myself but all the time I was saving money for my future, not some future ex-wife’s, and I hope you’re doing the same.

Again, welcome. Just remember not to give a f~~~ about anyone’s opinion but your own unless, and this is important, you yourself agree with their opinion based on your own values.

[Anonymous 42]

@Anteres, @GoneGault, well said, I relate to every word including “self termination” I’m like you guys, I’m only a couple of weeks in MGTOW. I lived life on the fringes of society for many many years, I walked around wondering what was wrong with me, and why I felt this way? I observed all the carnage over decades of my life’s observation. I was a “NICE GUY”, a “WHITE-NITE-FOOL” and for all efforts, no reward. I fell in “LOVE” 4 times, and like Velcro, I became filled with the dirt of deception and can no longer adherer to a woman. It’s not our fault society is a septic-pool and we don’t want to “test the waters”. Key master said words to this effect: “By all means, you go search for that diamond in the land fill”, I say that diamond has been crushed under the weight of all that garbage. It’s only right that we walk away. AWALT!

[…Spectator 1165]

Antares! you made it back. awesome. welcome and have fun at mgtow.com

[AntaresParticipant 208]

@gonegalt – It’s interesting that article ended with the death bed scene. I thought about something similar a while ago. When I’m about 30 seconds from finally kicking the bucket, what will I get for all those years of being a model citizen, for being a “real man” or what society wants? Nothing. No pat on the head, no cookie, no one will give a s~~~ that I spent my entire life living the rules of society and making myself miserable in the process. So I decided not to do that. But what I referred to as far as how MGTOW will be shamed in the future, I’m already seeing this world getting unreal in hostility towards men. Like being in the wrong place at the wrong time will get you put in jail kind of stuff. So to kind of world I say, they can have it and I’m out of here. I 100% agree with saving for the future. That’s a top priority of mine: financial safety. At any time I can say screw everything, and live out my years in peace.

@listenUp – Yeah, thanks for your reply yesterday. I briefly skimmed it before I got a call on the bat-phone and had to leave the computer I was at. When I got home everything was already reset so I never got a chance to properly read it. My depression problems are mostly past tense now. I’ve identified and fixed some problems I have with chemicals in my head (without drugs), and finding contentment with my situation means it should be smooth sailing from here on out.

Price is what you pay, value is what you get. -- Ben Graham

[…Spectator 1165]

@antares: thanks for the update. yeah, i was bummed that my response got nuked but it’s all good man. I like what gonegalt said as well

because he’s right: it is your life. f~~~ them. let them figure it out. You have other s~~~ to do.

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