Pain

[jay278Participant 8]

Heya,

Before I start, let me begin by saying this won’t be lighthearted or funny. This is a form of therapy for me, a way to vent and find support. This is a story about a chapter in my life, a relationship I had with the mother of my child, and the family court process that I’m still fighting today. I’m fully aware of my own major f~~~-ups that you are about to read about. I hope you can read this entire post. Excuse my bad spelling and grammar, it will get worse as I write on.

I’m Jay, 27, father, laborer, bartender, student, truth seeker.

When I was younger, still a virgin and never kissed or done anything with a girl, I moved into a place with my best mate and his girlfriend. All was fine for a long time, until they started to fight. Disagreements turned into full blown shouting matches over things like overdue dvds.
Long story short, one day my best mate breaks it off with her, says she’s crazy and can’t deal with her anymore (first red flag). All 3 of us stay living in the same place, as we had all become very close, a mistake all 3 of us would soon come to regret.
Months pass, my best mate begins dating his current wife and father of his kids, and is as happy as Larry. His Ex is distraught, I see her crying and moping around everyday, sleeping too much etc etc. During that time, I consoled her, I was there for her. We would sit on the porch, drink and smoke together while she would cry and express regrets and mistakes about her relationship with my bro.
I felt so sad for her, usually a passionate happy fiery bubbly beautiful girl had been reduced to a pile of ashes while my bro seemed to move on so quickly and into dating.
We became close during this time, just as friends. But, my feelings for her started to shift at a certain time I can’t pinpoint. About 6 months after they had broken up, I was completely and totally head over heels in love with my best friends ex-girlfriend. Remember, I was still a virgin and totally inexperienced with woman at this point, she knew this all to well but she did not know I loved her.

A group of other friends and I rented a cottage at a mountain village for the weekend to go to a concert. My best mate chose not to go because she was going.
I had no intentions to express my feelings toward her, my loyalty to my bro was much stronger then that. Anyway, we had copious amounts of alcohol, weed and ecstasy for the weekend.
On the night of the concert, we got plastered beforehand, took our E and off we went.
When we arrived, happily drunk and close to peaking, I said I was gonna go on the theme park rides and if anyone wanted to come. She decided to come with me. We laughed and chatted about random crap as we waited in the queue, buzzing off of the e. On the ride, she started to feel ill, she grabbed my hand and held it tight. I talked her through it, my heart racing.
When the ride stopped, we walked to the concert, it was extremely muddy and people were wasted and falling everywhere. At one point, a person fell into her, I caught her before she hit the ground and put her back to her feet. We looked at eachother and started kissing passionately and it felt like we had kissed before. This was my first real proper kiss.
We danced together, occasionally kissing.
When we got back to the place we rented, I rubbed one out and then settled in my bed alone and tried to sleep, of course getting nowhere. She came in and asked to talk, she questioned me about what happened, about what we would do about my bro (her ex) and I said we would tell him straight up. She asked what would happen between me and her, I said I didn’t know, she said she didn’t think that we would ever kiss again as I would be to scared because of my virginity and my bro, wanting to prove her wrong, I sat up and passionetly kissed her again. After the kiss, she said “you’re a dick” and ran away to her room. Nothing further happened that night.

When we got back home from that trip, we told my bro that night what happened, he laughed and seemed fine with it, he said “yeah I thought you guys might have a thing”. He seemed completely ok with it, and gave us his blessing but nothing further happens between me and her for awhile, we were best friends me and her so it was a little awkward.
Time goes on, she and I slowly start to pursue our feelings for eachother, she doesn’t know that I’m in love with her yet, but she is returning my affections.
One night, we are talking in the living room the 3 of us, my bro is drunk, I say im tired and decide to go to bed. But really, I wanted to leave them alone to see what would happen, I listen through the thin walls to there conversation. My bro is trying to get her to come to bed with him, she sounds conflicted and hesitates to answer but eventually says “I think im just gonna go to jays room and talk”. She does so, we start talking and she offers me a back rub.
My bro becomes understandably furious, my bed is creeking because its crap, and he thinks we are having sex.
He starts walking up and down the hallway banging the walls and shouting, we get up.
My bro is drunk, but he is hurting, he see’s his virgin best mate and his crazy ex-gf who he apparently still has feelings for hooking up and it hurts him. Drama unfolds for the next couple weeks, which includes me being punched which I took on the chin and purposly didn’t fight back, them two having sex behind my back and her trying to get my mate to lie to me about it saying it never happened, that must have hurt him. But we are good friends and he tells me the next morning. I felt heart broken, but I didn’t show it. I should have seen this second red flag. I was blind, I loved her.
Long story short, my bro moves out and continues to date his current wife, he gives us another blessing before moving out.
Her and I pursue a bf gf relationship.

My bro and I are no longer best friends but are still good friends and we still talk from time to time. I understand I broke the bro code and betrayed his trust. He understands he gave his blessing when he didn’t mean it and how badly I wanted to be touched by a woman. He is supportive of me and not her in my current situation.

For months after that, things are heavenly. She and I writhe in bed with one another, me trying to lose my virginity and her trying to save it for a special time. The sexual tension is immense. One time, after yet another long foreplay, mr stroodle finds its way into the poontang pie, despite my complete inexperience, I last a good long time and give a bloody good performance. During this, my very first time in her heat she blurts out “cum in me”, which is the 3rd red flag. I don’t, I control myself and blow on her. My cherry is popped. Days after this, I tell her I love her and for how long ive loved her, she says “yeah I think I love you too” (bulls~~~).
Just weeks after this, we are driving home from a friends party, she randomly says out of nowhere “jared I think we should break up”, my heart slumps down and ask her why, she doesn’t give an answer and later that night retracts and apologizes for that statement. Odd but great things happen, like me waking in the night to her giving me a blowjob, then jumping on when she thinks im about to cum (4th red flag, she wants my seed).
We make plans to move to Australia so I can make more money and spend some time with my estranged father. We do so, and suddenly we are in a new country living with my father who I hardly know, this is when cracks really start to show. We both know noone over there.

In Aussie, I am working hard, I would come home and smoke to much weed and play to much video games. We talk of having a child.
This goes on for awhile and she has had enough, this is when she began to physically and verbally abuse me. I impregnate her. She decides after that she wants to move back to New Zealand while I work and save for our child in Australia, we start a long term relationship, I work hard and all seems ok.
She comes back over for a couple months during her pregnancy to be with me, my behavior of smoking weed and playing video games doesn’t change. We fight all the time and at one point she bloodies me with her celphone (red flag).
We go to find out the gender of our child, she doesn’t want to know, I do. She leaves the room and the doc tells me I’m going to have a baby girl. I ring and tell my mother the good news, this makes my partner go into a fit of rage, jealous that my mother knows the news before she did. She hits me (red flag) and shortly after, leaves back to New Zealand, I stay to work. I save up and buy her a car, I struggle with my relationship with my father, but thats a story for another time and I end up wasting money on weed, computer parts and video games.

The 9th month of pregnancy comes. I move back to New Zealand and start working as a Milk Merchandiser, a job I hated from start to finish. Her and I are fighting constantly and the relationship has turned toxic. She starts to say things that mess with my head (red flag), she uses her pregnancy as victim mode which turns people around us against me. I start to resent her.
My daughter is born, natural home birth, 45 minute labor. One of my proudest moments in life and one of the only times I was truly proud of my partner and her inner strength.
We have a newborn and I hate my job and resent my partner, the strain on me is to much and the inbalance in our relationship is not fair. I cope with smoking to much weed, playing to much video games and spending to much time at my friends place down the road. She tells me everything thats going wrong is my fault and I agree.
I quit my job and go for a failed 2 week stint in a stupid rediculous christian rehab (im not religious).

It’s worth noting that her brothers grow weed fulltime. She would encourage me to go work for them to earn money and weed, she would come over and help us prune from time to time. She would smoke weed herself on occasion, but she always preferred her drink. She always encouraged me to smoke “in a more balanced way” rather then constantly.

Time goes on, our relationship gets worse and worse, I become depressed, I stay unemployed for over a year. I become convinced im a useless piece of s~~~. I try my best for my daughter, but am totally depressed. I smoke far too much weed and play far too much video games to cope. We both now deeply resent eachother, we stop having sex and I become nocturnal. Friends and family try to get me to break up with her, but I love her to much and am blind to the red flags and feel stagnant in a cirle of pain and love.

At one point, during an arguement in bed, she is verbally abusing me again, I turn around and punch her on her hip. The only time ive ever hit a woman. She had a big bruise there the next day. I apologized for it and she apologized for her provocation. I must admit, I wanted her to know what it felt like to be hit by someone you love, considering how often she would hit me. Assuming she ever did really love me.

Our relationship draws to its final close. My birthday comes around and her brothers shout me a night on the town which includes copious amount of alcohol, gambling strippers, weed and at the end of the night, a brothel.
I cheat on her, we all cheat on our girlfriends that night. An act that I regret to this day, I loved her but at that point, we were done anyway. Hooker was my 2nd ever woman Id slept with.
After an arguement about a month after I cheated, I blurt out that I had been with a hooker. I start crying and say im sorry. She sits there for a moment and then says “oh yeah well **** has a bigger c~~~!” referring to her ex bf my mate from above. Who know’s if its true or not but it hurt like hell. She pieces things together, and figures out her brothers were cheating on there gf’s also, fallout. I lose her brothers as friends.

Our relationship officially ends, we cling to eachother for a little while, and I come to visit our daughter as often as she will let me, but she starts using breastfeeding and control games to inhibit my time with my baby.
She starts dating some new guy, they go on a date and I babysit, she tells me she had some form of sexual interaction with him but i dont want the details. She has sex with me that very same night. I’m disgusted in myself. My heart is breaking badly, but im not letting it out.

Around this time, she manipulates me into signing a parenting order by saying “ill never get back with you unless you sign this”. I do so, the parenting order seems ok. But theres one line in there that she pushed to its fullest extent. I reads “contact can only be made through pre arrangement”. Well how can pre arrangement be made if she doesn’t communicate?

I became badly depressed, more depressed then ive ever been. She is being difficult with letting me see my daughter and it hurts. I smoke weed to cope, but its not helping, the weed is making me worse.
I go to her place, I try to reconcile, she rejects me.

I leave her place that day, my heart is broken and im full of regret, her hurtful words ringing through my head, issues with my father pop up. Issues of feeling weak, useless, pathetic, negative self talk etc etc.
I make my decision, Im going to kill myself, I tell noone. I start up my car, I dont put on my seatbelt. I smash myself into a power pole at 120kms. I knock the powerpole over, the car is totalled. The airbag deploys I emerge with only bruises to my rips and knees, I was very lucky.
I’m fully aware how selfish that was of me being a father, I know, trust me I know. Ive spent countless hours kicking myself for this fact. Nobody can punish me harder then I punish myself.

So.. I spend a couple of weeks in the looney bin, a couple of days after my crash Im still wanting to finish the job, but the staff and nurses are amazing, and the sedation is effective. I calm down after a week.

Im released from the looney bin and my path to true healing begins. My ex partner refuses to communicate and offers me only supervised contact at a supervised contact center with my daughter.
For a time, I refuse as I believed I don’t need to be supervised with my daughter as I would never hurt her. But I can see her logic nowadays. After awhile, I just want to see my baby, so begrudgingly I accept supervised contact as it is my only option.

So I take her to court to vary the parenting order. Still in love with her, I stupidly make my affidavit totally passive and make it only about contact arrangements for my daughter. I stupidly tell the truth about all the mistakes ive made written here.
She replies all guns blazing, she attacks me about everything and uses my own pain against me, she lies through her teeth.
She tells the truth about:
*my depression
*my unemployment
*my issues with my father
*my cheating on her

She lies about:
*drugs and alcohol and having zero tolerance toward it during our relationship
*my ability to parent and her never leaving me alone with my daughter
*her family and there issues (her mother has schizophrenia)
*her own abuse and violence toward me
*my one violent punch to her hip
*my issues with my mother and how that relates to her (weird)
*her issues with my mother
*my mother not caring about her grandaughter (my daughter)
*a fight that she herself instigated with a friend
*my suicide attempt
*a friendly drunken playfight/brawl I had with a friend
*something im forgetting

Now, interestingly enough. She submitted her own mental health history to the court. She has in the past been diagnosed with Acute Psychotic Disorder, Egocentricity and Grandiosity. This was a huge revelation to me, and explained her anger, outbursts, selfishness and irrationality. Also, upon talking with her a couple of her ex-bf’s to figure out wat the f~~~, it all became clear, I was dealing with a highly manipulative, totally insecure, highly damaged cold hearted actress the entire time, this was great closure for me.

Ok, so these days. I’m still in court fighting to vary the same parenting order. I’ve stopped smoking weed and have passed my first hair follicle drug test, I have another coming up soon. I work and go to the gym. I’m studying addiction and mental health studies as I eventually want to become a suicide prevention councellor. I’m doing a parenting course to improve my chances of success in court. I’m seeing a councellor who just happens to be a beautiful woman. I practice mindfulness regularly and am eating healthy. I’m still in supervised contact with my daughter as there is no other way around it currently, but it will change soon.
My lawyer and I are crafting and compiling all of this stuff to help my case, my lawyer is confident in being able to prove my ex’s lies for the judge.
My daughter is still being raised by my ex who is the day to day caregiver, and this worries me bigtime. If you have read my entire story, you will know why. But really though, my daughter seems to be progressing just fine, in fact the supervised contact center tells me she is advanced for her age, which makes me very proud. My ex has always been a good mother at least when she’s not stressed.

My experience with the New Zealand family court is one of extreme bias toward the mother. They have continually ignored my ex’s evidenced issues and focus entirely on me and it’s incredibly and unfair, not only for me, but for my daughter.

If you have gotten this far and read the entire thing, I applaud you. You might be thinking im some sort of crazy. I can promise you im perfectly sane, I have been in love with a deeply disturbed woman who seems to have deep issues with men and it has profoundly effected me, im stronger for it.
Take it with a grain of salt, this is therapeutic for me and somewhat of a vent and it would be great to hear some opinions of these traumatic experiences in my life. It would be great to hear that im not alone from other men.
I’m a kindhearted, gentle, sensitive, compassionate bloke who wears his heart on his sleeve and loves his daughter very much. I apologize if its a bit long winded.

Thankyou for your time,

Jay

Woman are collectivly no longer our opposite in polarity, This is a huge problem.

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

Merciful F~~~, dude. I have nothing to offer you apart from my deepest sympathies & prayers for healing.

In order for you to come anywhere close to resolving this, you need to be as healthy as possible (mind, body, and spirit). A healthy mind involves not polluting it with chemicals (THC, alcohol, nicotine, etc). A healthy body includes a balanced diet, plenty of water, fresh air, and sunshine, consistent sleep (7+ hours/night), and exercise (aerobic/strength training). A healthy spirit is the most difficult. Several studies show that 15-20 minutes of meditation on a God whose character is Love results in lower blood pressure, decreased inflammatory hormones, and improved memory. Conversely, meditating on a punitive, angry God had the opposite effect.
I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else in the forums in the existence of God, just reporting the science.
You’re among friends and brothers here.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[Anonymous 54]

Keep digging ,keep climbing.What was it about her that you loved?

[Anonymous 5]

Wow, what a positive outcome. You’ve started learning!
It’s probably more a need now as well as a distraction but it’ll turn into a passion.
Never stop reading! You’ll be seen as some sort of magician in whatever field you’re attracted to read about.
It doesn’t matter if it’s addiction, mental health, fishing, cooking, mechanics or any other human endevour.

Try and slip these two quick reads in that’ll help you realise exactly what you’re dealing with so it can help you deal with what you’re dealing with now,,, and help you to not to repeat it
“The Manipulated man” Esther Vilar
“The Predatory Female” Rev. Lawrence.
Both are very quick reads, look for them online and if you like them enough you’ll get a copy to keep forever as well.

Congrats on still being here. In your case, every day is a bonus now. Kia kaha!

[jay278Participant 8]

Thank you.

Solomon’s Wisdom, thanks. Yes, I do try my best to stay healthy, it’s not easy being dudly doo right. But I am doing well, I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in, and have been sober for quite a few months now. I found, Weed was easy to give up when I removed myself from the negativity. Alcohol, I was never really a big drinker so was not a problem. Nicotine I’ve given up cold turkey, don’t believe the hype, it’s all in the head and is just an illusion.
I don’t meditate to a specific god, my research indicates that consciousness itself is god and everything in the universe is connected through consciousness. I meditate in the hopes of achieving oneness with what I like to call the infinite one (universal consciousness).

Old Sage, thankyou. Oh man, well the fact I’m able to answer your question without feeling emotional is pretty cool.
So she was my first lay, my first intimacy, my first kiss and my first real experience in being touched by a woman, so this is to be factored in. A level of naivety is also apparent here. We have a child together.
Physically, well when my daughter came out (her first child birth) she had a 45 minute labor, so think of what type of body type she is. Tall, small waist, big wide hips, big beautiful arse, long sexy legs small t~~~ with sexy nipples that turned into c cups from breastfeeding. A bit of a masculine face (strong pronounced chin and jaw). Small mouth and smallish lips and bright green big beedy staring like a nutcase eyes. So not the prettiest face, but her body was bangin.
Personality, well she was a horrible cruel unpredictable emotional cold hearted bully bitch at times, and other times a loving warm kindhearted generous affectionate passionate sexy woman. She would switch, it was crazy, and interesting/exciting. But crazy.
Our emotional connection, we connected big time through our pain, long talks etc etc, she knows everything about me and she has seen me go through alot of s~~~, she knows how strong I am because of it, she really has a full view and understanding of my being and I dont think another woman will ever reach her vantage point. We are both passionate people at heart but I was self destructive and she was outwardly destructive. So yeah.
I hope that answers that question, in short im strongly physically attracted to her, the good side of her personality is beautiful, the bad is repulsive but fascinating to me in a contradicting way. And our connection feels karmic, i believe ive known this soul before. She understands me more then any other woman and we have a child together. Also, I have a need to protect them both, but she won’t let me.

Ordinaryguy, thankyou sir. That means alot. Yes, I will give them a read. I appreciate that.
I won’t lie, sometimes I get very lonely and sad and miss my daughter terribly, sometimes the odd thought of “f~~~ my life” does slip through, but im getting better and watching my thinking and this is important.
Sometimes, I want to call my ex and talk or write an email, but I don’t. Sometimes, when going through court stuff, i want to f~~~ing choke her! I would never do such a thing, but we all have these thoughts.

Edited: I was thinking, don’t hold back! If im putting my ex on a pedestal in my mind, tell me so! Please, if there is something that im missing, tell me so! Constructive criticism is most welcome. If you read my full story and are thinking, wow this guy really f~~~ed his best friend over, tell me so! I want to hear these things so I can work on it.

Thankyou for your thoughtful replies all.

Jay

Woman are collectivly no longer our opposite in polarity, This is a huge problem.

[ShinyParticipant 2307]

Great story, you have an admirable amount of self-awareness (finally) going on. Hope things work out with your daughter.

[jay278Participant 8]

Thanks Shiny, yes it took some time for me to learn. But I have grown in strength immeasurably from it.
Love really is blind, it took me years to be able to see the forest for the tree’s.

Woman are collectivly no longer our opposite in polarity, This is a huge problem.

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