Old man needs new advice

[WarPiggParticipant 21]

So, in a nutshell…married an 18 yr old when I was 25 , mainly because she got pregnant. Struggled because we were poor, but worked my ass off to progress up the economic ladder, have two sons, now grown and through college…so at the ripe old age of 52, my 45 year old wife tells me that she wants out, that she hasn’t been “happy” for the past few years, she’s not in love with me anymore, yada yada yada. Now, I have never suspected her of f~~~ing around, although I’m not naive enough to think it couldn’t happen but I don’t think it’s the case here. I think it’s more that she feels like she “missed out” on the fun times because she was a mother at 19. Anyway, fast forward a few months. We’re now divorced, sold our house, split the proceeds and I have bought my dream house…a small house on an acre of ground with a HUGE shop/garage and no neighbors. She is renting a bedroom from her female cousin and will be for the next two years unless she snags a new guy. Here’s the advice I need…how the hell do you get on with your life after being programmed for 27 years by the evil contradiction that was my ex? I truly think she s~~~ in my brain so often that I am really finding it hard to get over her. We had a rocky marriage from Day One but I was determined to keep it together, if nothing else than to avoid another man raising my kids…and God knows that I couldn’t count the times I told myself to divorce her…but in the last two years, after a brief separation, I had re-committed to the marriage and actually had fallen for her again. I thought she had recommitted herself too but was playing the old game of “tell you one thing, mean another” It’s been 5 months since our divorce…and for the life of me not a day goes by that I don’t think of her…what can I do to get her out of my head?? I’ve had a couple of “booty calls” (God I hate that term) since but to be honest, none were as good as her. I am under no illusions of getting back together nor would I even want to at this point but I guess 27 years of hardwiring have taken their toll

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

WarPigg wrote:

ow the hell do you get on with your life after being programmed for 27 years by the evil contradiction that was my ex?

WarPigg wrote:

I thought she had recommitted herself too but was playing the old game of “tell you one thing, mean another”

WarPigg wrote:

what can I do to get her out of my head??

I was married for ten years. Technically 13. I moved in to my own house then deployed to Iraq for the last time. Then came home and it took about a year to complete the divorce.

I was told by another divorced man that it takes half the time you were married to mourn the demise of your relationship. I doubt that it will take that long.

For myself, I was filled with ‘what if’s’ and ‘why couldn’t she haves’. After this I turned to analyzing her behavior during our marriage in an attempt to analyze her motives. I have to be honest. MGTOW.com and the archives and associated youtubers have educated me more and any research study.

Getting a divorce after a protracted marriage is difficult because the person is no longer in your life. For better or for worse (much worse in your case) this woman was your life partner for 27 years. The attitude, opinions, and facts expressed here in now way take away from this particular fact about your life. Do not feel belittled or denigrated when realizing that your ex may have manipulated, taken advantage, or extorted you in any way.

Be careful. About now is the time that a man rebounds. About now you may be thinking you have the chance to be happy with another woman. Be wary of this desire.

How do you get past all of this?

The first suggestion that I will always give is to seek counseling. Find a psychologist or a Social worker. Do not see a counselor that has less than a master’s degree.

The second suggestion is to set about fulfilling as many of your dreams and ambitions that you had either before or during your marriage. Success is a powerful balm.

Third suggestion is to stop seeing her for ‘booty calls’. If you are having issues about your divorce then stop reconnecting with her for any reason. She has chosen to go her own way. You have the opportunity to be a MGHOW. Take it! The injury will not heal if you don’t stop picking the scab.

Last. Realize that you are a man that is alive and whole. You have value in this world based on that fact alone. You have emotional, spiritual, and intellectual depths that are worth exploring, and can be shared here.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[Anonymous 42]

Hey WP, I usually kick bad thoughts out on entry, ERASE ERASE ERASE. and ERASE again! Scrub the thought of her from your mind by replacing it with something you’re currently interested in, You have big garage/shop with no neighbors! ERASE the female program tapes that keep popping up. Rewiring your brain is not an easy task, but never the less a critical part of of your own personal becoming. You’re talking to the right person, I got real good at rewiring my mind like some sort of supper computer scientist! Every circuit I cut and redirected eventually revealed it’s self as absolutely the right thing to do! If you’re the slightest bit introverted all the answers have already been gathered and stored deep in your subconscious. It’s that annoying itch in the back of your mind telling you something’s wrong, you need to explore these areas of your mind and extrapolate their signatures. Introspection is a good skill to develop, It gives you some ability to view your own mind from an impartial and external position.
You need to start “controlling” these random inputs at the source (the countless recordings of memory) I train my mind to process these tidbits of drama and stress to activate momentum, A s~~~ thought enters my mind and immediately I’m taking a positive direction. For example: A depressing thought enters my modified processor (MGTOW brain) I’m immediately washing some cloths, doing some repair. I’m activating the to-do-list and switching to auto pilot. But that’s the real bad stuff… The regular pitfalls I easily step over with the flick of a neurotransmitter. I never get depressed anymore, It’s dwelling in bad thoughts that get you depressed, not merely having them. It’s sort of like Neo (MATRIX) when he gained the ability to stop bullets in flight, the bullets will never stop coming, that’s for sure! Stopping them immediately on arrival is key to my sanity and how my mind works…. Never be complacent in your thinking, there’s things in your head only you can see, only you can fix! The work is mentally exhausting but builds your mind up and consolidates your thinking, it becomes an automatic function that erases the negative impact of emotional trauma and accepting the memory. It isolates the negative energy while giving a tangible positive every time.
Many times outside advice is TOXIC and deadly to introspection, Get in touch with your own mind, investigate the mental itches that have never been scratched, sometimes it’s a voice of logic deep in the mental asylum of TOXIC thinking, it screams out for attention to address it’s particular grievance. I hear these voices clearly now, their the voices of reason…

[KeymasterKeymaster]

WarPigg wrote:

I think it’s more that she feels like she “missed out” on the fun times because she was a mother at 19

Target sentence there.

She “feels like”…. is pretty predictable. But that doesn’t mean anything and she hasn’t figured it out. If there is one thing women are consistent on, is thinking because of YOU, she “missed out” on something else. Something totally intangible – entirely in her imagination.

But. because of YOU …… she HAD something she wouldn’t have had without you.
And even if you were George Clooney, she would think she was “missing out”.
(A bird in the hand, and all of that.)

That makes me feel a whole lot better – to understand hypergamy and accept it.
You could be a basketball star and she would say she was “missing out”.

This is Men Going Their Own Way, so saving the marriage (or making the relationship it work) is not the majority of recommendations you will get here. But I’ve been with a solid and wondered if any girl would measure up to her…… until the day that I accepted “everything is temporary”.

“EVERYTHING is temporary”. It was a great day I accepted that.. It was the day I forgot about her and it didn’t even hurt. And you can’ really celebrate 27 years looking forward either. It’s only* 27 years* when you’re looking back.

Oh she has a place in my heart and memory but I’m not deflated about it – at all In fact, I’m thrilled she married someone else because it wasn’t me, and I got to do other great things.. But she also contacted me – on Valentines Day and my birthday for many years after the wedding. Imagine being the husband of that woman. STILL contacting her old flame- on Valentine’s Day.. I would say HE should be deflated.

Nobody will expect you to reprogram yourself after 27 years, but maybe, you can have the confidence to know that you’re IT. There’s rocky road and there’s chocolate mint….. but you’re her vanilla and you were open 24 hours. Not too many men will be open to her as she has come to expect you to be — for 27 years. NOBODY can compete with that kind of history. You’re in her DNA.

She’s 45. The time to tell you she was “missing out” was 20 years ago.

So perhaps now is a good time to turn off the tap to some of that attention and willingness she has thought she could do better without. You don’t have to get her out of your head. Just adjust your outlook.

I know all “advice” is useless, but these are thoughts that sprang to mind.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[John Woods 13Participant 2855]

I’m going to be you in 15 years, not now because:

WarPigg wrote:

from Day One but I was determined to keep it together, if nothing else than to avoid another man raising my kids

The difference is that I know it ahead of time and I’m preparing for it.

So, there is little advice I can give you. What I can do tho, is ask you for something.
You have that garage, the house you wanted with no neighbors, I’m guessing enough money to get by well and two grown sons.
Well, I want you to tell me, and us here about my probable future. Will you use that garage to restore/build your dream car/motorcycle? Will you get to travel, go fishing, hunting, having all kinds of never before ‘allowed’ activities by yourself or with your sons? How is the relationship with your sons?
You lost so much time, why not help others avoid the same?

You have been committed to your family from day one up until your divorce. I am sure there are many, many desires you swept under the rug, many things you wanted to do, many things you wanted to have, but couldn’t. Well it’s about time you give yourself all of those things.

The answer is NO. “I could but I won’t”. Memini murum!

[XSDBSParticipant 3598]

Keymaster wrote:

So perhaps now is a good time to turn off the tap to some of that attention and willingness she has thought she could do better without. You don’t have to get her out of your head. Just adjust your outlook.

This is key…(pun intended)

She WILL want something from you in the future. Whatever it may be, your answer should be a firm “No.”
It will be very difficult to say no to her because you value your past history and years of commitment to her.
Sadly, it has NO VALUE to her, because she selfishly divorced you.
She “feels” she missed out on “fun times” and can do better without you?
Fine. Let her. Just don’t let her back in, because your life is MUCH BETTER without her.

[heads-upParticipant 320]

Soldier-Medic wrote:

The first suggestion that I will always give is to seek counseling. Find a psychologist or a Social worker. Do not see a counselor that has less than a master’s degree.

Can I be so cheeky to add to this excellent advice that you get counselling from a Male professional,I have known female psychotherapists socially and they cant trust themselves to ever see the situation through male eyes.Its hardwired into the female to always bias towards the Female Collective,not hating on them its just their nature.Good luck and hang in there:-)

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

heads-up wrote:

Can I be so cheeky to add to this excellent advice that you get counselling from a Male professional,I have known female psychotherapists socially and they cant trust themselves to ever see the situation through male eyes.

Ever so true. Was seeing a female counselor for my PTSD. It was like telling an orange what it was like to be an apple.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[Up yours, Cupcake!Participant 27]

Warpigg, think for a moment about the time you have left. How much of it are you going to allow her to consume? That’s really what it comes down to. You have a choice to make. Do you move forward, consigning her to the past where she belongs, or do you waste precious seconds and mental energy on a woman who will in all likelihood be jumping back on the carousel as fast as she can? I would assume that’s why she left…the kids are gone and she sat down and made a cold calculation that at 45 she was still young enough to do “better.” She might even have the next victim in mind. It’s going to take an act of will to move on.

My avatar = average twat discovering MGTOW

[HitmanParticipant]

hey warpigg , lots of ways to free your mind brother-man , books
porn
sex
friends
new goals
exercise
realizing she lied and used you
realizing you got FREEDOM !
ROAD TRIP !
ON YOUR OWN !
WAKE UP 1000 MILES FROM WHERE YOU LIVE AND GET SOME BREAKFAST !

[The_reality_factorParticipant 211]

WarPigg wrote:

It’s been 5 months since our divorce…and for the life of me not a day goes by that I don’t think of her…

At 52 you are not old and if you get or keep in shape, you can look and feel awesome.

5 months is not a very long time, brother! I think you are being a little too hard on yourself.

From what I’ve read, it takes people a certain process to get over significant events in their life. Divorce is a huge negative factor….so trying to get over it and her, is probably not the answer. Most people go through an emotional roller coaster, from sadness, anger, regret, happy then back to sadness and anger etc. This kind of process is normal and apparently the emotional process become less intense overtime. You will eventually revert back to a normal or “base” level of emotions – one day in the future. The length of time for this process differs between individuals – so try and chill out and understand this is normal and you are just going to have to go through it.

Like most of the crew have stated here, immerse yourself in healthy interests. Intense physical exercise, as long as you’re fit and healthy is an excellent way to deal with stress, anger and/or problems. Avoiding alcohol is good practice also.

As they say; time heals or wounds…..

……or is it; time wounds all heals ? 😉

Hope this helps mate!

[WallyParticipant]

I don’t have any advice to tell you but my father told me close to his death that he regretted getting married and the only thing that made it worth it was his two kids ( he also told me “don’t get married!”). I basically see you in the same situation as my father with the exception being you have time on your side. Like everybody has been saying, go and do the stuff that you were not able to do while married, get busy on those projects and it will amaze you how your thoughts and feelings clear up.

"what a waste of a life, to marry, give up your freedom, just for the hope of not dying alone. Don't get married Son."

[WarPiggParticipant 21]

WOW!…WOW! I am floored. I am flabbergasted, I am speechless! My faith in humanity has been restored.
Being new to this site, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I posted my request for advice. I figured I would have to sift through a lot of bulls~~~, snarky and crude responses to maybe glean one nugget that may help….what did I get? An overwhelming amount of good advice and if I may be allowed to read between the lines, some compassion and empathy to boot.
EVERY post was helpful and full of good advice. I’m sure I will refer back to this post in the coming weeks and months to lift my spirits, if they need lifting.

For the record, my ex is/was a pretty good one…low maintenance, never bitched when I went fishing, etc. BUT we fought like cats and dogs mainly because she wanted to be in charge. She was raised in a “Mother is boss” household and I was raised in a traditional household. They say women turn into their mothers…BELIEVE IT!

Couple of things…I’m didn’t see HER for a booty call, I hooked up with a semi-attractive woman my age, just for sex. And trust me, all you young bucks out there, sex is not always going to be top priority. Now, at this point in my life, it is definitely not top of the list, you know? Besides, I think I no longer want to be under the spell of the pussy…it’s kinda empowering to NOT have to be chasing it all the time…which is what every one of my buddies suggested I do after I got divorced. That may have worked well if I was 30 or 35 or even 40, but at 52 going on 53, I would much rather work in my shop.
For those of you who asked or encouraged my to work on hobbies, I am a graphic artist by day but a sculptor the rest of the time.
I have enrolled in a class at the Kansas City Art Institute to learn sculptural welding, I also do a lot of wood carving and painting. (That was one of our “sticking” points when married…she complained I “loved my hobbies more than her”…even though I was ready to drop them and go do somethiing with her whenever she wanted. She, on the other hand, had no creativity and ZERO hobby interests)
Anyway, thanks again guys, I truly appreciate all your help and am glad I joined!

[Anonymous 42]

WarPigg wrote:

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I posted my request for advice. I figured I would have to sift through a lot of bulls~~~, snarky and crude responses to maybe glean one nugget that may help….what did I get? An overwhelming amount of good advice and if I may be allowed to read between the lines, some compassion and empathy to boot.

It’s not that we aim to please, you’ve entered a woman-free ZONE! Free from their toxic influences and endless hypergaming.
I made a perfect copy of a tigerlilly using a plasma cutter to cutout and detail the leaves, a little shrinking and stretching was all that was needed to copy the peddles, I used automotive polyurethane clear and the burn scared details came to life.
Do you do log carving with a chainsaw? If so, do you use a right angle grinder with a “chainsaw disk”? I’ve poked around with log sculpturing a few times, the chanedisk I recommend, but like the chainsaw, one mistake, your flesh is gone, you’re all done!

[XSDBSParticipant 3598]

WarPigg wrote:

she complained I “loved my hobbies more than her”…even though I was ready to drop them and go do something with her whenever she wanted. She, on the other hand, had no creativity and ZERO hobby interests

Ugh… I can hear it now… “You’re not paying 100% attention to ME”

Always remember: from now on, she gets ZERO attention from you…

[Author]

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