Why Im here:
I throughly reject the notion that the culturally patterned, fascist furnishment, is a lot to be accepted or any path to success or good, for anyone. Its a squandering of human potential. The dehumanization program is nearly complete. Beginning with schools, which have been called propaganda camps and rightly so, but are more of a Pavlovian sensitization/desensitization program, complete with a class system (cliques & social acceptance hierarchy [even venerated by educators]), and currency (grades).
This is reinforced at home for a number of reasons, generally one of escape in terms of the child (from abuses, from the parents lack of recognition of maturation/individuality or an attitude of weariness toward it, etc), and a sense that, on part of the parents, the child needs to “become their own” (which is true though in its conventional practice, IMO, a lack of recognition of our inner-dependence, and most certainly what it means to have integrity as a person), the aim of which is an “americanized” (though more global in scope, better said as corporatized or monetized) sense of individuation.
This desensitization, self and familial reinforcement is carried over into the “real world” when a child is thrust in to the chaotic heartlessness of the day-to-day. Generally speaking, somewhere in a persons 20’s they begin to despair of their dreams. The desensitization making the transition/sensitization to the “real world” less painful, and “normal” when everyone is caught in its swing and its enforced by law. This despair carries over perpetually throughout ones life and is a point of grief until acceptance is reached where the program is complete.
Aptness/intuition are nonsense too. Just as a person learns to drive and those scripts become intuitive, so too can a person become creative and critical. Creativity begins as an introduction to innovation and its progression throughout the epochs. Its final expression is novel recombination of those existing discoveries pragmatically. Criticality comes into play when trying to engineer to spec. What is here, what do I want/need here, what am I trying, or what needs to be accomplished, how do I best reach this goal, is this correct? Criticality is nothing more than the installation of thought, or thinking systems. These things can, do, and will all become intuitive. Its called intuition because it becomes subconscious and generally we are unaware of its precise origin. The point here being, this whole thing is nothing more than a spending of human lives.
Call it what you will the bottom line, Satan, greed, lust of power, whatever, its nefarious.
What I want:
I feel terribly inadequate most of the time. As if trying to reach for something thats not there… then I look to someone to fill those inadequacies. I figure, what else can, or should I reach for? Money, at the end of the day it comes and goes. Yet we live by it. So I use it, but try not to be used by it. If I need it, Ill get it and work my ass off, if I need to… but not if at the end of the day there isnt any intimacy… Status? For what? Im going to die one day… I just want to live first… In a word: Im “codependent” by choice. But Im a codependent who wants go explore the world and do amazing things and really use my time with wisdom… I only get one shot… I want to spend it with another exploring. I want to be so close; I can look at a girl, tell her “you are beautiful” and somehow she knows shes good with that. She can tell me what she likes about me and Im just good with it… no one else matters… just the 2 of us are there; in that space… I want someone who will push me to become a better person, just by… being there. And with just a look I know what shes thinking, and Im there for her just when she needs me to be… I want someone who will call my s~~~ and keep me accountable to my humanity the same humanity in them. I mean isnt this what we all want really?
My identified issues:
Its not just a fear of intimacy, but also a fear of abandonment. (Im afraid to be and express myself: for various reasons.) So I try to maintain a facade; my expression of intelligence and creativity have significant inclination toward whats most socially advantageous. This is why I tend to be reserved in group settings, unless I can find thematic orientations, or feel dominate, and from there generate conversation. If or when someone sees through my facade, or I perceive: the possibility of disclosure, or the slightest sense of distance/abandonment; I push them away as a threat (sometimes with detachment, others with combativeness, or overbearingness) Historically, Ive also [very rare, I cant think of a recent example] latched onto someone else (alienating the threat, creating a sense of security). Or I create distance from the topic of discussion, or maintain my position while repressing my knowledge of its falsehood, or inadequacies. My fear of abandonment (heres where the overbearingness comes in) is also why I try to press into romantic relationships quickly, and push for a sense of security by asking for concrete terms of the relationship but only after I feel a sense of distance or a lack of reassurance.
AussieBloke 4 years, 11 months ago.Where’s all the good men?
