I am sure many of you fellows have a similar background to my own… strong willed, independent and accepting of very little BS when it comes to business, friendships and our personal lives… yet somewhere deep inside still holding on to the believe that the measure of a man’s worth is the value he can provide to society in the form of a wife, children and those less privileged than himself.
This narrative has been my script since it was passed to me in childhood and underscored every day since by parents, teachers, clergy and the media… that no matter what I did, no matter what I became or what I made of myself, I was essentially worthless until I got married, had children and made a meaningful contribution to the health, wealth and well being of other people. Although I have done well financially, built my own business, developed my own personal taste and style and crafted a life for myself that exceeds my every youthful expectation, I am still looked down upon by others for the sole reason that I remain single at the age of 46. Despite achieving successes I coould never have imagined, I am seen by society as a loser… a “Peter Pan” who is afraid of growing up and committing. I have never been married and so I am told there is something wrong with me.
As it turns out, all this time there was nothing wrong with me, I was simply MIGTOW and had yet to realize that it was not me that was broken but rather society’s expectation of me. It took almost getting married for this truth to come home… the truth that society does not value me for what I can do or what I can become, but only for what value can be extracted from me to sustain a woman, her children and some strangers who are unwilling or incapable of sustaining themselves.
The marriage story I will tell another time (I journaled the experience, something which I highly recommend to you if you do not already do it) but suffice to say that I look back at my younger self with amusement and no small amount of pity that I had bought so fully into the idea that my life could never have meaning without a partner, “soul mate” and, ultimately, wife and kids. What I used to see as “purpose” I now see as economic slavery… and the notions of “love”, “romance” and “chivalrous/gentlemanly/good man” behavior that I once believed in are revealed to be nothing more than self-subjugation and a set of blinders and a yoke/saddle which society very nearly convinced me I should not only bear willingly but proudly.
Yes, I still desire to consume the beauty, company and sexuality of women… I have not attempted to reject my nature or condemn women for acting in accordance with their own… but now I do so in fairness to myself, eyes open and fully aware of the value I am offering and that which I am receiving. In the past I allowed myself to be bound by social rules under which the only way I could achieve the fullness of my potential was to sacrifice myself for others but women have, I fear they are beginning to realize to their chagrin, enforced upon us a new set of rules. They have demanded the right to sit down at the table as our equals and negotiate for what they want and now, fully aware of our individuality and its intrinsic value, so can we. The fog of war has been lifted and we can see the field clearly… an advantage to us that we no longer have to feel bad about taking.
It’s not easy to undo a lifetime of conditioning… I still struggle with making sure I am not giving too much for what I am getting and reminding myself to not see women who make poor life choices as victims of society or other men… but by reading the experiences of and sharing my own with like minded men, I am strengthening myself and my position while maintaining my positive perspective that this social revolution is not the disaster that radical change often appears to be but rather a golden opportunity to create value for myself for my own sake and exchange it fairly for the goods, services and experiences I desire… and to be able to feel good about doing so.
If society wants my value, it’s going to have to sit down across from me and trade fairly for it… or go without. Having realized that I no longer need a partner to produce value for myself, I am perfectly happy to stand up from the table and go my own way.
