Home › Forums › Introductions › New member intro: The Road Forward (Cautionary tale?)
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Akanbi 3 years, 3 months ago.
- AuthorPosts
Bear with me. This will go on for a while.
Many of you may view this as a cautionary tale, and it may well be one. But I’m actually here at MGTOW in the hope of advice and counsel. So please try to refrain from responses along the lines of ‘sure sucks being you – I won’t let that happen to me.’
I got married when I was 34. I wasn’t a virgin at the time, but I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, either. It was probably my second serious relationship. The lady was smart, attractive, and thought sex with me was a good idea. So did I. She also had two kids, and was wrapping up a divorce.
After about 18 months, we tied the knot. That was her schedule, but I actually thought it was a pretty good idea at the time. The first inkling that it might not have been came on the honeymoon, where on our first night she turned into a creature from hell. Maybe it was the seasickness, but still. I rolled with the punches, and this became a major theme moving forward.
Back home, she and her ex sold their house and she banked half of the money, while I paid the bills, with her and the kids moving into my place. For reasons I really can’t justify or explain, I put my house in our names. (Like I said, this reads well as a cautionary tale.)
Things didn’t go well. We actually didn’t share very many interests or goals, and we didn’t agree on lots about child-raising. It felt to me like I was the victim of a protracted home invasion. I attributed all this to growing pains, and the need for getting used to a major change in lifestyle. I tried to adjust.
After about 2.5 years of trying to adjust, I clandestinely hunted down a shrink. (It took about four tries; there are a LOT of charlatans out there, but that’s another long story.) After about 3 months, the shrink pointed out that not much was going to get accomplished if my wife wasn’t participating. So I ‘came out’. Shocked the hell out of her – she thought that everything was going swimmingly. We did a bunch of couples therapy, and then I did a bunch more on my own. And then I told her I wanted out.
I’ll skip the specifics, but she convinced me to try to fix things. I agreed… and I’ll admit that part of my reason was that I didn’t want to put two more-or-less innocent kids through a second divorce. So we did the shrink thing for a while, and eventually settled back into day-to-day life.
This time it lasted about six more years, before I felt so friggin’ alone that I *had* to do something. We did some more counselling, and this time it got to the point where I clandestinely interviewed a few divorce lawyers. One of them gave me a piece of advice that, while accurate, almost certainly sent me off in the wrong direction – she said “You need to decide whether you have the b~~~~ to go through with this.”
I took a long, hard look at my life, my home, my assets, my stepkids, and my wife, and decided I didn’t. What I *did* decide was that my married life wasn’t painful enough to end it, and I could achieve my satisfaction in life from places other than my marriage. I’m not talking about finding a mistress; but rather engaging in various activities that I won’t bother to enumerate here that my spouse was either indifferent or hostile toward).
Skip ahead another bunch of years. Life went on, the kids moved out, one got married and has a few kids of his own. We built and moved into a new, nicer house in a different state, and money kept trickling into the 401K. My money that is; after we moved she decided she was retired, though she didn’t express it in exactly those words.
Last year was a rough one, for me. I lost two friends (one to suicide), had several other people in my life pass away, and a museum I’d been wanting to visit for years burned to the ground. It all underscored the idea that life doesn’t go on forever. Which gets a man introspecting.
And one of the conclusions I came to was that the majority of the memorable, positive, experiences I’ve had over my 28 years of married life were ones that I enjoyed alone. And I’ve got years of journals (yes, they’re password-protected) in which I’m either lamenting my married life, recounting my disappointments, or planning divorce.
So here I sit at the age of 62, wondering. Do I continue the façade, pretending to be happy, and enjoying what bits and pieces I can, eking out what satisfactions I can? Or do I pull the ripcord, lose half my assets, probably delay my retirement, possibly estrange myself from my stepsons, and very possibly wind up as the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady. Basically, take a giant step backward, when there aren’t that many years forward to step.
Part of the problem, also, is that I actually like the idea of sharing my life with someone. And I fantasize about sharing it with someone who actually has similar desires, goals, ambitions, and interests. But I sense that I’ve got to accept the possibility of the worst-case scenario, which is what has me posting a rambling message on MGTOW. Because here are a bunch of guys living my worst case scenario, and they actually seem to be pretty happy about it.
So, your thoughts and comments are hereby solicited. No ‘you poor b*stard’ comments, and no sympathy letters either. What I’m looking for his hard data to push me off the fence I’ve been teetering on for the last three friggin’ decades.
Welcome to our journey! I think you will find that while we all have disparate opinions – we rarely differ on a the concept of free will. For many of us, that would be impossible to accomplish tied to a women. But for others it might work so long as they remain in control of their lives.
Seems like you have a lot invested in your marriage and any decision will not be easy. If you can find peace staying put – by all means do so. If not – you’ll have 18,000 plus men on your side.
Thanks for sharing, it’s hard to make a comment either way.
What did she do with the money from her first divorce ?
Welcome DavdN
If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.
So here I sit at the age of 62, wondering. Do I continue the façade, pretending to be happy, and enjoying what bits and pieces I can, eking out what satisfactions I can? Or do I pull the ripcord, lose half my assets, probably delay my retirement, possibly estrange myself from my stepsons, and very possibly wind up as the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady. Basically, take a giant step backward, when there aren’t that many years forward to step.
– 62 is not that old today, plenty of time for you time find someone you are happy with – if that’s your need.
– if you do feel the need for a woman in your life, you can do it on your own terms after you are divorced.
– if divorcing the mom after 28 years would estrange you from your stepsons then how close are you to them really?
– at 62 with even a little bit of money you’ll find women 20 years younger knocking down your door.
WELCOME OH SCARED AND WOUNDED TO THE FOLD .
LILITH IS THE HEAD SUCCUBUS AND SHE LIVES ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
Welcome! And may all those young enough to be saved and smart enough to heed your words reflect upon the lessons you are trying to teach them.
Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?
Welcome DavidN. This may be a bit different than others feel, but after reading your tale, I think you should do whatever is right for you. If that means staying married and doing what you can to enjoy your life, then that is going your own way. Personally, I am trying to find ways out of a similar situation because it isn’t the way I want to go, but if it works for you, you are going your own way, no matter what others say.
No longer can we walk away, we must run. Remove the motive power.
Welcome home after a long and miserable journey…but truth is truth and sadly you knew the truth way way back when and didn’t trust your own instincts. After all this time how about giving yourself a break and going with what YOU think is right for you—my humble opinion pull the cord…because if you don’t SHE WILL. Just wait if you want.
Welcome sir. I will never tell someone to continue doing something just to make someone else happy. It sounds like the kids are grown up. You are at the threshold of going your own way. Your looking out from the plantation window to the distant horizon and wondering about the possibilities of what life would be like if you didnt have to do things her way. I don’t care how old you are, if your still breathing you can still be true to yourself. I do reccommend consulting the best lawyer you can get before ever mentioning any of this to her. After 28 years your probably going to get f~~~ed pretty hard. Inform yourself legally and make a plan based on that. Do anything you can ahead of time to help yourself because few if any will help you later on. Going your own way is a tough path to take, especially at the beginning of the trail. Despite its difficulty its a path that most of us would not want to detour from. Because at the end of the day even if it is tough or s~~~ty its YOURS.
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "save us!"....... and i'll look down and whisper "No."
Welcome brother,being you’re 62,why not wait till after you are retired and your income is less to make that decision?
Or if she’s not that bad,you could still GYOW and pursue interests even if she decides not to participate.
That way you have a compromise to the situation.Lifes a bitch,but you don't have to marry one!
DavidN – unfortunately your tale is a common one:
– Stuck in a marriage where if you leave you lose half your assets and rock the boat with the kids.
– Unhappy, but not miserable enough to pull the trigger.
– Looking to outside activities/hobbies to find happiness b/c you have a disconnected couch potato bitch wife.You are like me and a lot of others here. Some of the braver souls here have either made the split and are currently dealing with divorce hell, or are over the hump and living happily free.
To your lawyer’s point, I haven’t had the b~~~~ to do it yet and like you I’m in the strategic phase.
Think hard, research, read and seek counsel and please share with us. I’m 47 and if I cannot get liberated I can very easily see myself in your shoes in a few years.
Keep us posted and stay positive. Don’t let her defeat your spirit.
welcome!
life is just too damn short to stay unhappy.
i think you have to choose…
the discomfort you know so well,
or an adventure.
.
i would talk to a lawyer and figure how to time it so you are financially best off..
good luck !DavidN, reading your story made me think of my Dad he was married till the day he died to my mom but was miserable with her, he told me to never marry. He was only 64 when he passed and missed out on so many things he enjoyed just so he could please his wife and not upset his children.
You only get one life brother, won’t say divorce or stay, ultimately it’s your choice as it is for all of us. But reading your story and how you may want to have someone in your life, I leave this question- has she ever once had your back?
"what a waste of a life, to marry, give up your freedom, just for the hope of not dying alone. Don't get married Son."
First of all, welcome brother.
You bring up a few points that have been widely discussed here, but it’s always a hard red pill to swallow when someone new says them. So, at the very least, you might have convinced a few men who are on the fence to avoid your mistakes:
Stay away from single mothers!Sign a prenup and give them nothing!Actually, do not get married!
If your gut tells you it’s over, it will NOT get better, no matter how much therapy and counselling you pay for.My opinion in your case is this:
Try and set your feeling aside for a while and produce a Weighted Pro-Con list. Draw the line, add the percentages and make your decision on the spot. Then, plan in as much detail as you can and execute your exit plan. Yes, EXIT will probably be the likely outcome of the list.
So, yes, if you have been and continue to be miserable, you should get out, no matter the possible losses. And I would give you the same advice if you were 72 not 62. In fact, the older you get the less you have to lose by getting a divorce.
Let the old hag stay and be miserable in the “Big house”. You go and travel the world and enjoy your retirement! For god’s sake man. You spent most of your adult life raising HER children and making HER life go by “swimmingly”. What about you?Take your time, read the posts and forums and possibly contact some of the members here that went through the same thing. I’m sure they will be more than happy to help.
The answer is NO. “I could but I won’t”. Memini murum!
Brothers,
Wow. Sure sounds like what I said resonates with more than a few other minds. I’m thinking that hanging out here might be rather healthful for me.
In answer to a few questions posed…
Some of the money from the first divorce helped put the two kids through college. Some of it is sitting in the bank in her name. We maintain separate bank accounts – have from the start. So at least I didn’t f*ck that up 🙂
Obviously I need to talk to a lawyer. Somewhere I heard that in the case where the divorce happens late in life and one partner was the major wage earner, the split is typically 1/3 – 2/3. Fingers crossed. It’s way to late to even try to unravel the who earned what puzzle, and I’m not sure any court would particularly care. And we all know its never going to get that to court. If I jump ship, I’ll surely value expediency over grabbing every last possible penny.
One writer suggested that maybe staying is following my own way. Maybe. But if in my heart I though that was viable, I wouldn’t be here posting long missives on MGTOW.
Another talked about the “couch potato bitch”. Something of a mischaracterization. She’s actually a pretty pleasant person, its just that we don’t have anything in common, and lately I’ve been thinking that if I’m going to be alone anyway, I might as well do it in a lifestyle where I have more options.
I suppose I could wait until I’m retired. But I don’t see how that would change anything, except I’d have four fewer years in front of me. Life is short.
I don’t think the weighted pro-con list helps much when comparing the devil you know to the one you don’t. I can plan and rationalize up the proverbial wazoo. But ultimately there will come a day when I need to make a blind jump into the abyss. And part of the reason I’m here on MGTOW is to hear the voices saying “C’mon in, the water’s fine.”
If I just packed my bag and said keep the (mostly paid for) house, that’d be close to the 1/3-2/3 split. So the suggestion of “let her keep the house” is not an unreasonable one. Not sure where I’d go, and there are a some non-financial assets I’d need to either put on ice or dispose of first. But it could go that way.
Someone else asked “has she ever once had <my> back?” Good question. I sense that in an honest-to-god emergency (tornado, cancer, earthquake, zombie attack), she would. But most of life isn’t an honest-to-god emergency. And in the day-to-day stuff, well, no, not really.
Maybe I’ll put that attorney meeting on the front burner. And I might possibly hire a shrink as well… But this time to help me maintain my resolve.
Dave
Welcome sir.
This is one story that got me.
@davidn The other men have commented quite well. I just want say that if you feel you won’t loose much after the divorce, take a shot at it (with the help of a GOOD lawyer). All that matters is YOUR happiness and peace of mind.
,
My parents had a heated argument this past sunday (one of the many I’ve witnessed them having throughout my life) and then my mom went out to a religious gathering. After she had gone out, my dad called my elder brother to his room and started venting. I didn’t hear him clearly but he said things along the lines of “…if she frustrstes me too much, I’ll just leave the house for her and live my own life…she won’t see me again. I can’t kill myself….” Now that I think about it, I don’t hear my dad talking about passions/hobbies outside work or dreams such as travelling to so and so place- things he would have achieved in his twenties if he didn’t get married then. Marriage has “eaten away” most of his enjoyable years. Now he’s quite old and nearing retirement probably regretting certain decisions he made earlier in life. Sometimes, I even feel tempted to introduce him to MGTOW.comA lot of men have lost the fruitful parts of their lives (by giving up their hobbies, passions and many other life goals) to marriage. They fall to the pressures of society telling them that “married men are RESPONSIBLE men” and basically, all in the of being “responsible”, a man should sacrifice his happy living just to feed a parasite(s).
I thank the universe for giving me the red pill to swallow at quite an early stage in my life. Now I know not to give a f~~~ about what society says and also not to make the mistake of jumping into marriage too early.
Hang in there Dave. I don’t think its too late for you to make the best out of life.
My brother make you no follow sheeple o. Look them and Go Your Way.- AuthorPosts
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