New Here – Looking To Find Myself

[WestwardLordParticipant 1]

 

I was in my first and only relationship with a girl for 4 years, long distance. I had zero self esteem, I was constantly jealous of her, I felt emasculated all the time, I had perpetual sexual frustration and anxiety, and I was dealing with depression all while trying to be a “good boyfriend”. Nothing worked out the way I wanted. We rarely saw each other, and when we did I always felt compelled to serve her, provide for her, and put her on the highest f~~~ing pedestal you can imagine. I always felt shame for being a man and showing even a modicum of masculinity. We both come from a cultural background which puts traditionalism, marriage, and the family unit above all else, so I believe much of my self-imposed slavery comes from that. I thought I wanted marriage, kids, a house in the suburbs, etc. Only recently have I realized that for years I’ve been confusing what was expected of me for what I wanted. We broke up in 2012, mostly because I never felt good enough for her, and my depression worsened immediately. I contemplated suicide daily, and I was going through cycles of existential crisis. I was constantly questioning my professional motivations as well. I still believe she’s a good person; she never took advantage of me (at least not obviously) and she believed in me more than I believe in myself. However, I more or less “beat her to the punch” when it came to being self-destructive and my own insecurities were essentially my downfall. I suppose I had been taught to live a certain way and when I applied that approach to what I thought was a real relationship, it made me miserable.

Three years later, I’m still confused about things, but I’m actually making an effort to understand myself. I’m still a virgin, but I feel much less shame about it. I’m still confused about my sexuality, as I’ve been attracted to both women and men, but I’m sick of throwing myself onto the train tracks for female or male sexual attention. I still think there are some more intrinsically feminine aspects of myself that will likely never go away, but I’m slowly learning how to embrace being male. I’m still in the same profession, and I will soon have a doctoral degree in May of 2016. It’s really the only thing that has kept me sane, because it’s something I enjoy doing and something that will allow me to follow my dream of having my own private practice.

But … I could use some guidance. I tried learning about PUA s~~~, but it didn’t help. I’ve heard about The Red Pill, but I’m still not entirely sure what it is, and I don’t know how valuable it would be for me. I’ve been parts of movements before – feminism, LGBT rights, some political issues – and after eschewing them I’m hoping this isn’t just another phase. I mean, It doesn’t feel like a phase. It feels like I’ve been under water for every second of my 25 years and I’ve finally found the surface. If anything, learning about MGTOW was like the lightbulb moment of my life. Maybe I come from a place of privilege or exception compared to other MGTOW, because I’ve never truly been with women, never been married, and I’m still quite young. I suppose you could say I’m a transitioning MGTOW, still in this weird limbo between being a gynocentric nice guy and … whatever is the opposite of that. In a lot of ways, I feel I haven’t “earned my stripes”, but I’m here and I’m hoping to learn what I can. I’m dealing with a lot of issues, and believe me when I say I’m not here for a therapy session, but in spite of all the things in my life that seem insurmountable, the idea of “going my own way” is attractive to say the least. I’ve spent so long trying to figure out what I want, and I really think simply being my own person and finding validation solely through myself is the answer.

If you took the time to read this, I sincerely appreciate it, and I’m equally appreciative of any advice on where to begin.

Thanks.

 

[RoyDalParticipant]

Welcome! I’m glad you found this site.

To me, red pill means facing and accepting reality as it is, and disregarding social pressure to act against your self interest.

Let me make some suggestions: Sample the videos and books in the archives. Start with /video/mgtow-advice-for-the-younger/
In addition, there is much to be learned by reading others views. How do they agree? How do they differ? How do they apply to your life?

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[Anonymous 42]

Welcome Westwardlord, although you’re new to the philosophy I can see you’re intrigued by what you found. You found “yourself” now you need to link that to “self ownership” then “self adore”.

As you start treating “yourself” better and better, you’ll have no tolerance for the slightest amount of emotional or physical abuse. You have the “engine” just keep adding all the cars and pick up speed, eventually you’ll be an unstoppable freight train with a cowcatcher where women like the one you had will be deflected off your cowcatcher in the blink on an eye, and sent into the cactus of reality for impalement, while you deliver all your cargo on time and proper destination… While she bleeds out her life impaled by her cactus of destiny. FAIR IS FAIR!

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

This is about YOU and every man here wants nothing but the best for you.

You won’t be asked for money, won’t make banners, won’t go on protests.

In fact … the guys here want nothing from you …. except …

You being the person you want.

Some of us are just starting that journey, some are already there and others are trying to improve further.

We can guide and point paths … but we won’t push you …. that’s your job ☺

We don’t give a s~~~ if you’re straight, gay or bi ….. it matters not.

What you must do is … go your own way.

Need help with that …. just ask.

Welcome

By people that give a s~~~ ☺

[Ned TrentParticipant 4894]

Hi there WeswardLord and welcome to this place. You and only you alone can make a decision to either try to move forward in here or as you put it “earn your stripes” and certainly you should have that chance like every other man, who comes in here with a decent proper and thoroughly plausible introduction like you did, or to pull back and do anything else you please. So yeah, it will be up to you, it will be your call in the end.

Since there isn’t any obligation to stay in the manosphere, you may also leave again at any time, if you chose to do so, which widens your options further…

The invitation is in front of you out there to try and continue to find yourself through all the means you see fit for achieving it including all the out of real life examples featured on this forum and beyond ie. on youtube about the subject…

Now, feel free to make your choice and all the best …

 

Ned T.

I'd rather die a natual death with a clear MGTOW conscience somewhere off the grid than one within "modern" civilisation with a big stress mark on my forehead and a couple of dozen tubes plugged into my body. Back to the plantation..? Me..? Hey, literally: I won't ever fucking kid myself...YZERLMNTSIC

[PhantomParticipant 3328]

@westwardlord hey man, and greetings.

WestwardLord wrote:

It feels like I’ve been under water for every second of my 25 years and I’ve finally found the surface.

This is one of the diamonds in your intro.

When I was able to pin my own down, very similar to yours….it gave me a solid foundation, base if you will, to build/rebuild myself upon.

WestwardLord wrote:

I suppose you could say I’m a transitioning MGTOW, still in this weird limbo between being a gynocentric nice guy and … whatever is the opposite of that.

And like so many of us, this is one of your first (if not first) really big questions…

You have your whole life ahead of you, (about 21 yrs ahead of you here). What I wouldn’t give to be your age with this site for me to gleam from.

WestwardLord wrote:

I always felt compelled to serve her, provide for her, and put her on the highest f~~~ing pedestal you can imagine. I always felt shame for being a man and showing even a modicum of masculinity.

This too, was why I wasted so many years of my life.

I can only imagine where I would be now, had I spent the past 20 yrs doing that to myself, instead of the women throughout my life.

I will leave it here…I tend to go over board with this stuff, but it costed me most of my adult life.

In truth, only the last 4 yrs have been on track….can you imagine it? You being over 40, before you can say that about your life.

A role model of what not to do I am…don’t be me. Yeah, better late than never…best is being on time or early. welcome home, glad you made it.

Cheers

[FrankyParticipant 2338]

WestwardLord wrote:

I’m still in the same profession, and I will soon have a doctoral degree in May of 2016. It’s really the only thing that has kept me sane, because it’s something I enjoy doing and something that will allow me to follow my dream of having my own private practice.

I got me thinking about something.This is was the case with me when i was blue pill too.The dream i had and the dream i never got around to tell anyone about saved me.Perhaps men in relationships with women should always guard a small part of themselves, because after you brake-up and she is gone you wont connect the idea of your dream with her.You will have the option to say:  this was me before her and this is still me after her.

[The ShrikeParticipant 147]

Congratulations and welcome to the forum!

You are very fortunate to have begun investigating the red pill before being forced into wage slavery via alimony and child support, or being incarcerated due to false accusations.

Best of luck to you in your search for your own path!  It may helpful to you to think in terms of creating yourself rather than finding yourself.  You have your freedom, there is no greater treasure.

[RebaneParticipant 215]

Glad you’re finding surface after rough times.

Women can be flattered even by your depression and suicidal thoughts, as long it circles around them. Give them nothing. I knew a woman who told me several times how she had 2 admirers who attempted suicide because of her. I sensed her pride every time she told me this. How sick is that. You can find many threads here about women being indifferent to male suffering. With this red pill information much confusion and hurt can be avoided in the future.

[WestwardLordParticipant 1]

I appreciate all the very valuable advice and the guidance here. It’s nice to know there other guys out there who can understand at least part of what this is like.

Thank you all

Also, I started watching some videos by Spetsnaz and Barbarossa today – very interesting stuff. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of information here and on YouTube, but it’s refreshing to hear stuff that isn’t just constant male deprecation.

[Sessna12Participant 119]

WestwardLord wrote:

I appreciate all the very valuable advice and the guidance here. It’s nice to know there other guys out there who can understand at least part of what this is like. Thank you all Also, I started watching some videos by Spetsnaz and Barbarossa today – very interesting stuff. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of information here and on YouTube, but it’s refreshing to hear stuff that isn’t just constant male deprecation.

 

welcome aboard my friend

Sebastian

"We can no more stop him from marrying than we can stop him from making a well researched decision to poke his eyes out with a stick."
-Sidecar

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