My introduction is a repost because of economy. I was responding to a post about why & how guys can let themselves be completely ruined by women (Great Gatsby film as an example) & it turns out the comment had a lot of bio information so I will just save myself the trouble of writing a second intro. Thanks all for having me here. I have always felt this way about it so its a bit like coming home.
My intro in response to “define white Knights”
This one is possibly going to be difficult for me to give up on. When I was young I was very unsympathetic to women generally & felt no desire to protect them. I had been jumped & had fights & proplems a lot of times because of women either getting guys after me, or mouthing off to guys who then because they weren’t going to hit her, put a beat down on me/ I would gladly have watched a girl take verbal abuse or even a smack & thought it was funny.
But any more nowadays, Especially since my mom died; there are women who I work with in the charities I am involved with & one of them, one time a guy accosted her in parking lot & I was after this guy. I am not even violent but I just when I heard what happened was like; where is this f~~~ing guy & I was ready to throw down. I ran outside to find him. I never used to be this way. And it really isn’t, you know like she is an older lady like my mom’s age & I respect her charity work & that was what someone accosted her about/it wasn’t someone in a dating situation or anything.
I think in some of the same ways I feel protective of my older sister. Most of my worst female hyprocricy stories from an early age were actually caused by having a slightly older sister; she beat my ass until she couldn’t any more & suddenly when I was the bigger one, I didn’t even get to win one fight; it was: you don’t hit girls (this is like 10 or 11 & she was 13 or 14). Anyway she raises my Nephew now Ethan who has Asperger synndrome & she makes a f~~~ton of sacrafices & I just can’t help feel protective of her. Its funny because my mom was a mjor source of my dehumanization as a kid as well, but I just think she just didn’t know how to deal with a boy; wasn’t equipped.
But by the time she was on her deathbed I was going through my divorce & she was on my side about it & I really connected with my mom. And honestly I know where most of this comes from because its family. Also my dad emotionally disconnected from my sister & I when he remarried after my mom died so I feel a strong, strong link to actual women in my family. But rreally that’s like the source of white night-ism isn’t it (Moms & sisters)
So no big conflict really except in the psycho analyisis. I was raised thinkign women were superior to me in the chivalric tradition by my dad who is a pussy whipped slave. My mom was good to him, fathful to him & he loved her until she passed away. But I always resented the fact women in the ciscle & class I grew up in seriously expected to have s~~~ carried for them & doors opened where they would clear their throat & not get out of the f~~~ing car if the guy didn’t walk arouind & open the door. So that was the last thing I would ever have done. In fact my resnetment of women is really what was the catalyst for me to find the version of myself which women were interested in dating & having sex with.
Later (20 years later)I developed the habit of openeing the door for everyone – men or women – like if you get to the door first, hold it open – gender neutral it’s just polite. So I still resist chivalric bulls~~~ liek that & I always thought flowers were bulls~~~. I even had girlfriends who used to really buy s~~~ for me all the time. I actually managed to sidestep a lot of that bulls~~~ being taken advantage of crap when I was younger. But I digress.
I am trying to decide to what extent I disconnect from all women, & how much i really need to re-evaluate where these protective feelings come from & what they mean. I think its important to not especially in dating/romantic situations ever, ever be chivalrous – so no more being the shoulder to cry on when she gets her abortion & a billion other times I have held the bag for other dudes & stuff just from niceness & empathy. Its just I am such a different person now because the stakes of life are so deifferent. Women don’t deserve it & they don’t deserve me. I think the main thing is like with getting mad & wanting to punch guys – that is so f~~~ed if I am so ass backward & f~~~ed up & frustrated in my life by my experiences with women & then I am going to go & get agressive with some dude over it??? It’s just difficult to sort out.
New to the community. Kinda purging here.
But yeah I would hate for it to turn out that in a roundabout way I wound up becoming the white night my dad always was indirectly. He used to always be putting me last after my sister & mom, like protecting them from me. My sister got him to kick me out of the house for instance. And I always felt so betrayed. And now in my 40s those protective feeling I always thought were the drippyest most bulls~~~ things, & I am tending that way myself.
Voidraithe 4 years, 11 months ago.
