need some advice or input from the brotherhood

[ManyNamesManyTitlesParticipant 24]

ok i guess this is as best a location for asking for advice as i am going to find. i am considering how to ask for advice reguarding my life. forgive the bad grammer that may come up due to the writting of the following PTSD triggering events of my life i am going to express after reading i hope i can receve some good brotherly advice. forgive me in the event that anything i share triggers bad memorys for any of you such is not my intent.

i have been to hell and back and then some. i could sit here for hours even days and type away expressing in every possable detail the whole of my lifes story. i doubt most of you would be intrested in hearing all the details suffice to say i have not had a joy filled happy life. but hoping i am in good company that seeks to tell me from a MGTOW perspective what i might do i am going to share the story of my life. again hopeing that at the end i can get some real help and advice for what i should do next in my life. i hurt inside with so much pain and suffering most of you will not be able to relate or so i assume you will not. any who on with story.

From the earlyest age my body was attacked by my mothers drinking befor i was even born i was under attack. from birth to around age three i was in and out of a few foster abuse homes from my sisters account i was thrown out of a two story window into a pool at or around the age of three around this same time being in and out of foster abuse homes and going to them and back and forth to my birth mothers house once back in my mothers house i was extreamly sexually abused…. i was beaten with 2×4 wood and again this is all befor the age of 5.

around the time i was turing 5 i recall some of my memory starting to work or at least what i mean is at around this age i recall more detail then befor this age. again around this time i was at my mothers there was drugs prostatution and violence. i recall the house i lived in at this time was like some run down crack house with horrable insolation mom sucked dick and for the most part was a whore selling her body to any one having kids like crazy and useing such for money more then likely. some bulls~~~ happend not sure what all i recall was people screaming in house and all madness had broke loose i didnt want to be near that s~~~ so i walked out frount and so all the commotion went out there where i was some old boy friend came over and the new one had words and then guns came out and the loud boom of a pistiol was shot. 5 years old beaten sexually raped and having just seen my first death. it wasnt long th police came and famly destruction service came and took me away. i know it wasnt the best setting per my decribeing but even still that was my mother they took me away from. i recall i the police man gave me a teddy bear and him and the case worker told me everything was going to be ok. i found out as you shall by reading there words where empty. i was taken with my young brother and older sister and placed into a long term foster abuse home.

at this time i am 5 i recall the woman very fat and large meeting us at the door she said oh well better get these dirty children into the bath we looked like the dirty trailer trash children or the ones you see rummaging threw trash piles in thrid world. so off to the bath i went and clean i got. this woman was a seven day advenest christain. i can only guess this is how she was raised. she was fat and over weaight and her action upon hearing me speak of sex or romantic attraction showed she was a prude. being a child that liked to explor my world i did so. in my innocents i sot out to find out what the world was all about. i recall going to school and not enjoying it the kids always picked on me. for about 4 years till the age of nine i went to public school and came home to a very lonely exsistance when i say i had no friends i mean just that i had none. i had my imagination i climed the trees played in the dirt and tried to enojy my self. i was labled hyper active and drugged and thus began one of the many other forms of explotation over my life.

while in this house i recall fighting a lot with my little brother for some reason i hated him not sure why but i did. i recall many times i needed to use the bath room and feared the dark hallway i had to walk down i feard the boogy man i had been taught to fear at age three was going to reach out of the darkness and hurt me. tho eventually under threats of violence to my body i ran down the hall and to the bath room. many times i would be standing in the kitchen or else where and a hand or arm would go up into the air to reach for cubberd or to come down to strike me. every time i was hit aka beat i recalled if in nothing more then my bodys memory the 2×4 wood of earlyer years. this went on dayly for 4 years. also in that time i heard the word “pervert” not knowing what such was. i was called such after i saw a tv show deliveing a baby and i tried in my innocents to deliver a baby from my young brother. many other simular situwations happpend like this one time i came home from school after year book pics where taken i got a picture of a girl i liked child hood at that time and upon annoucing that i thought she was beatyful i was smacked across the room i never used that word again. i guess in this fat old religous bitchs mind such was only adult talk. the bad out weaighted the good in this home and many other settings befor and after as youll read.

in the story line i am now 9 years of age and me and my siblings are about to be adopted by the devil her self. this is potenutally where my grammer is going to suffer the most i type this out as best as i can. i might even spell check the whole damn thing and repost it in the event i feel like it.

at around this age i had grow to hate my siblings for all the interaction we may have had i was not connected to them. tho they where every thing i had for years i had cried over being taken from my mother. oh dear good how i cried. any who moveing on with this story. i was not sold on the notion of getting adopted by this woman and i guess you could say my gut told me she was a bad apple. i told the case workers at this age that is 9 i wanted to be a only child. for years i had sat and looked at books used words bigger for my age then most… been what many would call a problem child but can you blame me i wasnt even give a f~~~ing chance. i wanted to be a only child. some how in my intelagent child mind i knew that if i could be a only child then i could have a mommy and a daddy. not that couldnt have that in another home but i wanted to loved and give the attention affection and many other things i have come to find are hard to give to many children.

i didnt get my wish i was placed in the same home with my other siblings….. once in this home of hell i was abused and used for 6 months the abuse i had done to me was evil and the so called treatment and help i got after such was no better. i was removed from the home and placed into a child mential ward with stupid people that cant seem to connect behavour to abuse. these people in this settings are f~~~ed in the head i told them i wanted a home i told them for christmas i wanted a mommy and a daddy. they put me into a house with two f~~s and thus at around the age of 11 i was placed with two gay daddys. public school being as feminized as it was. wasnt any better of a place for me. it wasnt long befor i was a problem child and was carted off to the behavour class room with feminist bitch teachers thinking they knew better. suffice to say the gay daddys didnt work out…. i requested to be moved back to my siblings since they where at least of some support and famluraty to me then any one else. drugs drugs drugs pills pills pills. mential disorder lables out the ass and thus more fedural funding could be extracted in the name of care for the child.

back into the house of hell i went. this time around i guess it was another 6 months in the house of hell. starvation being forced to eat my own s~~~!!!! being made to eat out of the toilet beatings and tourture evil lived in this house. things unspeakable and evil……………. suffice to say i found away out of this f~~~ing house. but not any better. i was locked up in more so called helping locations…. people pumped me full of drugs called me crazy told me in so many words i was a bad child. i recall many times over the next 9 or so years being told i was bad the focus of attention was on my behavour and not on the inner workings of my lived experince…. when i spoke up to tell people i had been VIOLATED TO THE CORE OF MY BEING!!!!!!!!!!! i was labeled attachement disorder or oppasitional defiant disorder or some other bulls~~~ excuse for adults to blame the child and get away with explotation of fedural funds. all the people involved got a peice of the f~~~ing pie. i wasnt stupid in fact many times i told foster parents that they where taking care of me just for the money and i knew it and they knew it as well. but not just them the case workers got some pie….. and so did so many others. i recall calling the therapist on there s~~~ i recall them playing mind games with me thinking i wasnt paying attention. they didnt like that a child of my age and intelagence was able to call them on there s~~~. i bet in the circles of child abusers they knew there was no daddy and no mommy to come looking for me so they had me till i was 18 and they used every chance to make a buck off of me. a little short side story befor i get back on track here the other day on facebook i saw in a ex foster care group some one had shared a document that told how foster children aka children of the state where exsempt from being given informed consent to drugging that means that foster children where seen as disposable and fair game to being drugged and used as ginney pigs for big pharma.

ok back to the story i was placed into many settings after this second failed adoption that came out to be blamed on me being a bad child and all lol. lables lables and pills out the ass. this placement and that i was moved near damn every f~~~ing 6 months one setting after the next these f~~~ers all got some money. they never sat me down and belived my story they always thought i was blame shifting as they call it. they told me left and f~~~ing right that my behavour was the issue… so eventually i just played right along after all the facts and the truth never mattered to these pricks any how all they cared was getting there next pay check. and making sure my out ward actions aka behavour was what they wanted it to be. i was never allowed contact with others my age. no hugging to touching no affection nothing at all. this means no girlfriend…. no rough houseing no play fighting nothing….. many times i opened my mouth to share and all they did was tell me i wasnt makeing sense. years of people touching me agasint my will after my exclamations of DONT TOUCH ME!!!! violation after violation of my personal space they broke me after some time they had me beliveing i was a bad child that i was to blame. no birth days no christmas nothing but alone and lonely. no bonding with any one was allowed. i raised my self short of food cloths and shelter no one gave a f~~~ about me. i became of age and wanted to leave these f~~~ed up settings that i should not have ever been abused in nor been abused befor. i romed the usa found my sister wasnt long and she kicked me out. was i perfect in her home no hell no…. did i have reason for my actions yes look at my past i have been shaped to have a horrable end. i romed the streets homeless and broken i joined a religous cult that seemed to promise me famly i lived under bridges and in abandon wearhouses i ate out of the trash when i had to. i saw that unless you have money no one gives a f~~~ about you. they can give all the lip service they want to the notion of caring but the facts are they dont give f~~~ about you. not at all. this cult exploted me and used me for slave labor. after two years around the age of 27 i left. shortly after i found out that i was able from the age of 18 to have a ssi check. i went and saw a lawer got a check and now after a number of years while i was homeless i read warren farrels book and many other bits of information i wanted to kill my self many times i still do. i moved around here and there because i can in search of where i fit in. i moved out to the city i am in right now because i thought i was going to connect with good people. people who as i thought where into mens rights…. since being here i have found that people are f~~~ed in the head and that again most people dont give one flying f~~~ about you unless you have money. i would homeless on the streets right now!!! with out a job if it where not for this money i have. i dont get much just enough to live by. but i feel i deserve more a hell of alot f~~~ing more!!!!!!! after the hell i have been threw I WANT F~~~ING JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from what i hear i dont have faith that ill ever get such. this man hating world i live in mocks my pain and my suffering and millions of other men as well.

some might say go talk to a thrapist they might help you lmao!!!!!! i have had enough of the helping professions rape my life. it seems like too much to ask to have a little peice of land to live on to grown my own damn food and to live in peace and happyness…. well there you have it all of that up to this point of me typeing i have seen all sorts of things i dont have a lot of hope and i dont have people around me that care. not that such is what i want but then again what is life with out meaningful relationships? i know i have lot of healing to do a lot with ptsd and so much more…. i have hate and hurt and pain and i need a male friendly help sorce… i need justice i need legal advice and i need to be able to take down these f~~~ers who think its ok to abuse children. more then anything i just want to live my life in peace and happyness thats hell of a lot to ask after haveing my life and joy robbed of me. i dont trust any one and for good reason. if you have any words of advice fire away. thanks for listening INTJ out.

[Gone SurfingParticipant 216]

Holy f~~~ing s~~~! I cannot begin to imagine the pain and suffering that you feel. I don’t think the words or advice i can give will help very much but i think you are very brave person for even sharing your story.

My advice to you would be to start to love yourself for being you just as you are. Every day telling yourself that you love yourself and that you matter, start working towards your goals slowly one step at a time. As time goes by the more you give yourself love the more you will believe it and the better you will feel.

Try to concentrate on what you can do in the future and not the past. Maybe find people you can help in your local community as you can not only help someone in need like you were/are but you could start making some meaningful human relationships as well. It will take time and heart to change the way you feel but being MGTOW is to do what benefits you one day at a time.

good luck with your future i hope you find some peace.
just remember your in charge of your life one decision at a time.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Its always sensible to assume any advice (esp online) will lead to long-term negative outcomes. That attitude will protect you at all times, and forces you to make your own choices. Advice is just collected from years of one’s own personal meandering experience. Everyone is free to wear sunscreen. Baz Luhrman talks about advice in this entertaining clip:

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[ManyNamesManyTitlesParticipant 24]

thank you both for commenting…. i am taking some baby steps to redefine who i am and what makes me a good boy got to reraise the little boy in me the right way. thus my intj child develupment post else where as well as loving the man that i am…. the sick thing is at times i want to kill the little boy inside me some part of me sees him and a weak little cry baby that i want to smash into bits i know upon deep consideration thats not the correct thing to do so slowly but surely i am staring with setting boundrys and telling people NO means NO now is my time in life i am going to get my healing and happynes and joy one way or another. i have some hope for the future but that means s~~~ is going to be done my way both in respect to my life and others or else others are not welcome.. being an intj i strive to be correct and compatent in everything i do i hate incompatence in others and might come off a bit of an ass hole when seeking to correct others but i can assure you that if and when i raise my voice i do so for a good damn reason seeing the interconnected aspects of harm or good any action might cause. any who bla bla bla at this point. its hard being responsable to fit the world or feeling as tho many things rest upon your shoulder. i really look down on people i think to be stupid but any who i am just ranting at this point. ill slowly improve and all the haters can f~~~ off i dont care what bitch ass feminst want to claime oh look your just angry lol yah duh!!!! you think??? haha go threw what i have and come out not angry ill call you none human. i seek to live by a simple rule that beyound the notion that there is a god or is not a god or there is all sorts of moral ideals that people seem to espouse i say simplfie all that s~~~ with one small phrase and after reading and understanding such you should have no more confusing to what to do. HARM NON DO AS YOU WILL. good day to you both cheers and blessings your way.

[ManyNamesManyTitlesParticipant 24]

good video share by the way

[KeymasterKeymaster]

My pleasure. And thanks to @GoneSurfing for stepping in too.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[VileNordParticipant 766]

@thomas johnston MGTOW

A HUGE thank you for sharing! We are a lose group of strange men in this forum and you have opened up your heart, raw and bare. You’ve got b~~~~ so I don’t want you to think that your effort has gone unnoticed by me. I too am weary of giving advice for I fear that the seeker is often too eager to receive and will take my words for gospel rather than simple consideration. But you seem like a man who has had it with people telling him what to do. Good for you brother! Instead of advice, let me offer you some simple words of encouragement.

You have bested the crucible that fate bore you into. You were at every conceivable disadvantage and yet you endured. The fact that you are still here is a testament to your strength, your spirit, and your character. You have been victimized by many and yet you are not a victim, you are the victor. At the end of the day, you have survived because you know that no matter how cruel the world is around you, there is warmth and comfort here too. You have lived through it, it was not strong enough to kill you. You walk on a crowded street full of people who will never know what you know, and this gives you power. You have terrible scars that mark your battles and you have shown them to us. May you wear them with honor, for you are still here, they are badges of victory over your oppressors.

Lust for comfort suffocates the soul

[NewFunnyMoneyParticipant 54]

Thank you for sharing your story, I found it very moving. As others have said you can’t change the past but everyone’s future is unwritten and full of endless possibilities. It’s very clear you are a fighter and have the strength to keep getting up no matter how many times the world kicks you down, this is a huge asset you have developed within yourself and will lead you to success in anything you set your mind to in the future. You may disagree with me but I generally find most people out in the world today just don’t have the level of drive in them to keep fighting, keep getting back up and chasing the dreams they have. In my experience most people just give up after a few set backs, put things on the back burner or place them in the “too hard basket”. Use this power to your advantage, invest in yourself. Spend the time to think hard on your situation, where you are now and where you want to be with life, career or anything at all. Prioritize and focus on one area at a time and be relentless in the pursuit of getting it to where YOU want it to be. Don’t let anyone hold you back or push their dreams onto you at the expense of your own. Thanks again for sharing, it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and lay it all bare. Look after yourself mate.

[jack reacherParticipant 751]

That is an intense life, you have great courage for putting that out there. My only suggestion would be for you to focus on organizations that advocate for child welfare and think about helping them out somehow – volunteer, financial contribution, send letters to politicians and media on their behalf.

I am not talking a CPS or another government agency since you know how flawed that system is. But there are some groups that do also recognize where the gaps are for children and how the system is failing them. I can think of the National Association to Protect Children, and I know in my province in Canada there is a very vocal child welfare advocate that challenges the government regularly on the treatment of at risk kids in my area.

You are also not alone in your pain and experience, and some cities have male survivor of sexual abuse organizations that may have some resources for you without the negative therapy experiences you have already had. I can tell you I have been through group sessions with men who have experienced similar betrayals by their mothers.

Good luck and thanks again for sharing your story and showing your strength in coming through it.

[ManyNamesManyTitlesParticipant 24]

i dont trust many and for good reason…. as my history shows people have treated me like s~~~…… in my life these days most people suggest i go see some one to talk about all of this…… i am not sure how to do that…… i dont even trust the so called helping professions…. i feel as if my whole life my voice has been oppressed and silenced…… i find it hard to stand up and say no to others but i am starting in little doses to say no to people and to say i have every right to be happy to live a life free of harm and abuse i have a right to smile and to feel joy…. PTSD or complex PTSD i dont know which i have and i dont care to some dagree what i do know is that i deserve happiness.

my voice will be heard in life thats a goal of  mine now is my turn now its my time………….i sit here day in and day out and think about how i can fix the world how poverty is connectd to crime and some crime is child abuse and if i could only figure out how to grow enough food and teach enough people maybe just maybe i could prevent the next child from being abused…….. i hold way too much weaght upon my sholders……… all i have every lived under is fear and terror and pain and suffering in silence i have been told to many times to count that my pain and suffering doesnt matter. that i dont matter that i am here to be used and abused and thats all i am worthly of…….. i hate this world full of jackasses and bitchs that think there lives are all that matter men and women that would rather bitch about this or that then to think about how we all could come to gather and help end world hunger or world any thing……. at this point i am just ranting i needed to get some stem out……. have had a stressful life so far. i dont understand how to deal with the rage and anger inside for the abuses i have had to endure. i have been patted on my hand and told to hush now there there. i also feel numb any who this rants over peace the f~~~ out people.

[Crazy CanuckMember 4215]

Hello I was abused when I was younger but in different ways.  I was sexually abused once by one person but my father abused me physically, emotionally and mentally.  Not only did my father beat me I also got beat up by other kids.  My father can be very abusive just by speaking, I have seen several men cry after he spoken with them for a few hours.  These are full grown men not boys.  I have dealt with his abuse since I was around 7 years old.  I had a very low self esteem .  I saw the world as a cold dark place.  I guess I was lucky my grandmother was there for me somewhat but I never told her what went on.  Later on she told me that my grandfather abused her.  She was forced into marriage when she was around 16 and he was in his late 40’s.  This was after his recent wife have died.  My grandfather told me grandmother, marry me or I will hurt your family so my grandmother married him.

 

What is shocking to hear is that my grandmother tried to save his life when he was of old age.  She spent pretty all the money that was available to save his life.  My grandmother told me this a few years before she died.  She didn’t talk bad about him just what really went on.  She obviously had the capacity to forgive, to truly forgive.  Since she was able to forgive she led a happy life.  For all those people think you have hard times it’s really nothing.  My grandmother went days at a time without food during the Korean war.  Since children they got to eat and she didn’t.  My grandmother never told me this, it was my aunt.

 

Anyways I had a terrible life.  Teachers telling me I couldn’t learn and my father told me I was better off dead since I was useless.  It was his way of controlling me so I wouldn’t leave him.  It’s true manipulation.  He did give me a hard time that’s for sure and during high school it was like hell.  I was pretty mentally insane, I honestly don’t know how I pulled through it.  Eventually one day after my father’s businesses went bankrupt I was watching late night television and watching this infomercial.  This guy named Tony Robbins showing you how to succeed in life and make yourself happy.  I order the product and bought the books.  At first I didn’t really believe what is in it.  But over the years I realized that I need to forgive all the people who have harmed me.

 

To this day I still see my father, as long as I feel well enough to give him a visit.  The thing I learned  is the power to forgive.  It lifts the heavy burden of pain.  Some of you may wonder why would I do such a thing?  To me the past events are tests of my character.  Only strong character person can actually go through rough ordeals and being to forgive.

 

 

What dictates my life is not my the events but the meaning associated with the events, good or bad.  When you change the meaning you change your emotional feeling to those events.

 

 

Anyways I suggest you go and buy these two books I recommend or you can borrow them from your local library.

 

Awaken The Giant Within

Unlimited Power

 

Here is a link for Awaken the Giant Within, it’s a legal link it’s owned by Tony Robbins I hope KeyMaster won’t delete the link.  The book only provides the first 100 pages of the original book.

 

 

http://www.tonyrobbins.com/ebook/referral-form.php?source=legal

 

Also you can watch tv videos on youtube and you can see changes people with his techniques.  I suggest you watch them several times to let it sink in. You do not have to talk to anyone to do this.

 

 

 

"If pussy was a stock it would be plummeting right now because you've flooded the market with it. You're giving it away too easy." - Dave Chapelle

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