My story , my confession.

[Stan1192Participant 178]

Hello to all who is reading this !

We all have our own stories and reasons and this is how I got here…

I did not have a “safe” childhood. It consisted of growing up with my grandparents and moving between them and my mom and stepdad for at least 3 times, changing schools quite often. My real father was never there for me and my grandfather could not show me how a man is supposed to behave as he intrusted “the pants” to my grandmother…

At the age of 13 I permanently moved from Estonia ( where I lived with my grandparents ) to Finland and lived there with my mom and stepdad. I was never able to connect with my stepdad unfortunately. It is all better as I am older but he was never a “father” to me.

I could write a lot more to give a better picture but that would just be too long of a read.

During my childhood, ages between 9-13 , I was never really pushed to do my best or motivated enough to excel at something. My grandma actually was almost forcing me to do homework by sitting there with me until it’s done. Though it was the right idea but I fear there might have been a better way for me to become more interested in school work. The way she was doing it was actually teaching me to submit to her,a female, without question instead of learning to motivate myself.

Then later, in Finland I had no motivation to study either and my mother was busy with getting an education and looking after the younger ones to give me attention. Though I am not even sure if I could have been helped at that point ,being a troubled teenager already. Then came the drugs and alcohol , dropping out of college and the rest is history.
The only thing that kept me going and still is , is sports: Gym, running, games. I’m sure if it weren’t for those things I would be in a lot more trouble.

After failing college, I spent 3 years living and working in a few different countries. Those 3 years did a lot for me to grow and become stronger as a person.

I will highlight only this one and latest experience with a female. The only serious one, I actually shared a flat with this woman who is 2 years older than me. We had a relationship for almost 2 years and lived together for over a year altogether. At first it started out good, I knew my role and she knew hers but then it just turned in to me becoming a doormat. I was losing my personality, I was getting physically abused and manipulated and kept coming back for more. There are memories of that period that are quite traumatizing and cause me anxiety to when thinking about them.

I am not with her anymore, and here I am at the flat of my grandparents, in Estonia, thinking to myself : how the hell did I get here ? Why am I so insecure ? Why don’t I respect myself ? I realized that it is all connected… Starting from the unsafe childhood, not having any male role models, buying in to all those tv shows and media where it’s taught that men are supposed to be these “gentlemen white knight princes” trying to please girls or die trying, not finishing, not EVEN TRYING TO finish school, basically doing NOTHING for myself in the past – that was it.
I was faking this alpha self confidence to this day, even though inside I am just a broken little boy. I have realized this, and I have accepted this and decided that it is time to REALLY man-up and unleash all my potential that has been wasted to this day.

I am enrolling in a school now, to start in September. I want to become an engineer and even though it may take quite some time, I know I can do it.
I have decided to go my own way , to find the strength I need to let go of all the childhood trauma and become the best I can be and not let anyone hold me back or beat me down. This is my life and I am not wasting it. I am doing it for me.

Thank you for reading this, I look forward to getting to know you brothers, share stories and advice as we are shooting through space-time in this thing called life.
Peace !:)

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

Welcome to The Source, Stan.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[WallyParticipant]

Welcome to peace, it only gets better from here.

"what a waste of a life, to marry, give up your freedom, just for the hope of not dying alone. Don't get married Son."

[Truthseeker82Participant 6406]

Welcome my friend. You’re on the road to happiness.

[Truthseeker82Participant 6406]

Welcome my friend. You’ve found the road to happiness.

[xlrsnbrgParticipant 1786]

Welcome, and good luck in your future career.

A man shouldn't make his life's objective to be on the side of the majority, but to avoid finding himself in the ranks of the insane. (Marcus Aurelius)

[NeroParticipant 1466]

I logged in just to respond to you and welcome you. Welcome! I too had a rough upbringing with a mother, stepfather, and absentee bio father. It’s rough, man. I also grew up as an alpha (real, I guess) male, but in a shell form. I was very insecure concerning women and constantly sought validation by meat curtains. It’s an awful experience living like that. I’m here for any support I can provide.

[Stan1192Participant 178]

Thank you everyone, much appreciated. I am looking forward to this journey of mine. The only way is up !

[Stan1192Participant 178]

Yeah , sounds familiar indeed. Ah the things I used to do for the approval of my “girlfriend” at the age of 15-17. Begging and kissing ass and just being a complete wuss. Urgh. I did not know any better. Not that all in all my previous relationship was much better.
Did you get any better man ? Did you gain more self respect and REAL confidence ? if so , how did you start and how long did it take you ?

Cheers brother !

[NeroParticipant 1466]

Stan1192 wrote:

Yeah , sounds familiar indeed. Ah the things I used to do for the approval of my “girlfriend” at the age of 15-17. Begging and kissing ass and just being a complete wuss. Urgh. I did not know any better. Not that all in all my previous relationship was much better.
Did you get any better man ? Did you gain more self respect and REAL confidence ? if so , how did you start and how long did it take you ?

Cheers brother !

Assuming you are talking to me, the answer is yes. I did get better. Much better. In my younger days, I was never a pussy-whipped wuss. I never let them control my me-time or time with friends. However, I did let them control my mind quite a bit. I didn’t take rejection very well. It didn’t happen often, especially up front, but it did happen (at some point). It hurt way worse than it should have. I took great pride in the being able to secure the most beautiful women around, but it became expected of me and somewhat of an addiction. I was chasing more often than I should have been, instead of not giving more f~~~s. In an effort to mitigate the disappointment or fear of rejection, I would create somewhat of a harem of chicks I was talking to. I would go down the pecking order at times to satisfy my validation needs. If one was busy, it was down the line to the next. That was me at my worst, though.

I started to get real confidence after I joined the Marines and noticed that I was in the top 5-10% of my comrades around me in just about any type of event. Yet, I was still seeking that female validation to complete my ego. I would say that within the past year, I started to realize this weakness of mine and get some control over it.

Yet, during this same period, I have gone back and talked to a few exes of 20+ years past and have found that I had a lot of real power of those women. I have been married 19 years and have recently filed for divorce. It was an interesting experiment, and I still talk to two of them currently. However, I can still guarantee NAWALT with the three I talked to. Late night convos with wine they start engaging in line crossing and flirting. The next day, the want to friend zone and recant the s~~~ they said the evening prior. One of them, my high school sweetheart, I engaged with a nearly full-blown affair with while married. That happened last year. I don’t talk to her anymore because of attraction and history we have with each other. I need to cut that loose.

I don’t really care. I do think it is interesting the perma-bond I have with all three and how powerful those youth relationships can be. I haven’t seen or talked to the three girls in over 20 f~~~ing years. With basically no effort at all, you go right back to where you left off and resume like no time has gone by. They all look great for their age, which is surprising.

So, the difference between now and before is that I can go days without talking to them and they get butthurt. I have no f~~~s to give. I don’t worship vagina. In a way, I kinda just enjoy the social experiment of it all. I can say for sure, though, this site is what really helped me to heal that weakness. I see women for what they are. I don’t need to be validated by them any longer. I would prefer to be alone, but having kids complicates things greatly with getting divorced.

[Stan1192Participant 178]

Yes Nero mate you assume correctly.

Great read , setting up an example. There’s loads of work to be done but I will get there.

Good luck !

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