HOW HOT IS TEXAS?
We had to feed the chickens cracked ice to keep ’em from layin’ hard-boiled eggs.
“A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.”
Don’t corner somethin’ meaner than you – Keep skunks and bankers at a distance – Don’t name an animal you plan to eat – Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
Worry is like a rockin’ horse. It’s something to do that don’t get you nowhere.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. “I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy’s side and let him go. The last one is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I’ll tell you right now you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires
This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said, “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.” “Tell me, tell me,” said the young Cowboy. “Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” “Definitely,” said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?” “Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.” “Will that make me a better gunfighter?” “It sure will,” said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?” “One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”
The young Cowboy didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No, the whole gun, handle and everything,” said the old man.
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” “No,” said the old man, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much!”
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at those who misunderstand me. Kind mockery at the well intentioned, but unfettered cruelty towards those would be prison guards of my creative possibilities. This so as to learn as much from misunderstanding as from understanding. Taking pleasure in worthy opponents and making language fluid and flowing like a river yet pointed and precise as a dagger. Contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful linguistic dance, A verbal martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.
Rat_Rod_Russell 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
