Lurker Coming Out

[Lazarus DreamingParticipant 26]

Hello,
Just introducing myself, as I have been lurking here and reading for the past 7 months or so and it has been a painful process realizing the truth.  For the most part I am coming to agree with most of the fundamental truths that are discussed here.
I am 45 never married and no kids.  I had many opportunities with women trying to have kids with me but I had some innate inner voice that told me to not do it…seriously man don’t do it will be the worst mistake of your life.  So I successfully dodged all of those mortar rounds and thank God every day I didn’t end up in a situation like I read in here so many times.  But that’s where my good judgment ended.

I spent my life chasing women and placing every last bit of my worth and value as a man and as a person on my success or failure of those pursuits.  I spent decades pursuing the “unicorn” of relationships and I have let it utterly break me and leave me empty.   I have taken the assessments that they have laid at my feet, of not being in shape enough, financially successful enough, good looking enough…or the worst spiritual enough, and have picked them up and put them on, believing them all.  I have believed that I was worthless, selfish, ugly, stupid and that nothing I could do was ever good enough.  It has left me full of such hate and self loathing I can hardly function at times.  But that same innate voice that stopped me from marrying keeps telling me all those things are not true, to keep going that in reality I am none of things and that the opposite is true.  I just trying to figure out where to go from here.  The hardest thing for me to accept is that I am going to be alone, I am not going to be able to build any type of life with anyone…because they can’t be trusted.  I am ok with being by myself but I don’t like being alone but I will be Goddamed if I am going to be someone’s bitch, wallet, distraction or emotional punching bag just so that I have someone to come home to.

I intentionally didn’t share any of my red pill stories, or relations~~~ stories maybe I will in the future if it serves a purpose.  I just want to move past them, they have kicked the s~~~ out of me long enough.  I am more interested in what it takes to be the type of man that has dignity and self respect.

[RedHeadedStrangerParticipant 204]

welcome, and glad you decided to say hi!

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

Hey man stop beating on yourself.

You’re not a lurker coming out, you a brother coming in ☺

First thing you must do is ‘let go’ ….. of it all. Don’t forget things but just let go of the bile they cause.

Now …. right now …. this very minute …. is your new start. A family that deeply cares but don’t live in each others pockets, are a message away.

It is very tough at first and that’s why I personally thank god (that I don’t believe in) that KM and Co. made this site happen.

They and guys here helped me and now I (we) play it forward ….. that means you bro.

We’re here

[a bananaParticipant 288]

society(women) will never see you differently, you will always be worthless to them

that is why mgtow is growing so fast, we are teaching men that the only worth they need it that they derive for and of themselves

welcome bro.

[mackiavelicParticipant 226]

welcome mate , your among “brothers in arms” now. to some extent i understand how you feel i really do….

[EyeswideopenParticipant 2930]

Welcome my friend;

I too have attempted to not judge myself by the fickle whims of our modern feminist society; I still subscribe to the old school concepts of hardwork, integrity and loyalty – which ironically are a liability rather then an asset when dealing with most women. The superficial fluff that has pervaded the social norm over the last 20ish years has left a desolate wasteland of social relations. When a man’s been socialized to believe that his only worth is to caiter to the whims of the women in their life, that her happiness is paramount and tied to his own, it’s simply agonizing to come to the realization that it has all been a sweet delusion.

Thankfully, you trusted your instincts – I wished I had listened to mine. Yet, the shattering of that illusion is like discovering their is no Santa – somehow the shine to life is forever dulled. But, I believe these sweet little lies that society raise us to believe are a huge psychological crutch to protect us from reality at best, and to manipulate actions and decisions at worst.

One of the biggest logical fallacy to enduring a dysfunctional romantic relationship is that at least you will not “die alone”; this one is championed most by women when you are not in a relationship. Simply put this is a fear tactic. Well, we all die alone. I work in the emergency department; almost everyone dies alone in the context of being separated from family. This is assuming your “family” can even be bothered to attend your deathbed. I have seen it all over the years.

These shaming and blaming tactics are hard to overcome. I still struggle with a focus in my life once the great delusion is dispelled. I think the key is finding value in things, causes, and beliefs that add value to <b>your</b> life. No one can make you happy but yourself. This process takes time – you must pass through bitter waters before you reach the sweet.

 

- Marriage is described as an institution. You would have to be crazy to be commited to it. -"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal. Not people or things" Albert Einstein

[cyclesomaticParticipant 137]

Lazarus Dreaming wrote:

I spent my life chasing women and placing every last bit of my worth and value as a man and as a person on my success or failure of those pursuits.

You worded in your post what I have done my whole late-adolescent/adult life far better than I could word it myself.  I did that same thing.  No more.  It feels good to say enough is enough!!

[MendokusaiParticipant 256]

Welcome and I’m 47 and have never been married or have kids either and yes people wonder WTF is wrong with me too.

Usually it is the “Oh he must be gay” routine which I guess in a strange way is better than being tagged a womin hater.

With me though I have never chased womin,couldn’t be bothered till they came to me and even then I still prefer the

company of a professional-more honest.

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